Monday, March 1, 2010

Batman or Superman?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So yesterday was a fun day…what with going to the gym for a few hours, playing basketball, going on a little hike to overlook a foggy Donner Lake, etc. So after that wonderful day of activity, I go home and decide to cook me up some dinner. I’m gathering up the ingredients, no big deal, then all of a sudden, I feel like I get tasered in the lower back. “What the f**k?” It was just a quick jolt…but the damage was done. Apparently I had done something to my back. There was no awkward twisting of the spine, no lifting of furniture, no passionate and torrential thrusting motion like I have in the past, not even as much as a slouch in posture. I was grabbing a nearly-empty box of Uncle Ben’s rice off the countertop, directly in front of me, with a measuring cup in my other hand. GINK!!! Now, it’s not that bad. Nothing a good rub down with the hands of a loved one wouldn’t cure…but since there’s nobody like that within 500 miles, I’ve just been gently massaging it myself (yes, I’m aware that it looks like I’m doing something with my bunghole…but I don’t care) and it’s doing okay. It’s just weird that it happened at that moment…as opposed to say, going for a two-handed tomahawk dunk or doing a 300-pound squat or something like earlier in the day. Weird.

While chillaxing, I watched a movie called simply “9” from director Shane Acker. It’s a CGI flick about a post-Apocalyptic world where basically the only things left…are these nine robot sock puppets. (Just go with it) Basically, it’s the whole Terminator thing where technology is built, becomes intelligent, then self-aware, then kills all the humans…but a scientist makes these sock puppet robots to carry on the human spirit. They reactivate “The Machine” and it goes from there as they try to save what’s left of the world. Now, I don’t do a great job of selling the story…but the movie really isn’t that bad. It’s kind of a standard story…but told in a different and visually stunning way. So yeah, if you’re looking for something like that, then I’d say check it out. I think it was only like 75 minutes anyway.

Hey, quick question. Do you like violence? Like, lots of gore and blood splattering all over the place? How about nudity? Lots of nudity, both male & female? How about orgies? Composed of guys on steroids & girls with artificial enhancements? How about cursing? Like…lots of cursing? Like every character has the vocabulary of Jay in the Kevin Smith movies? How about ancient Rome? Really? All of the above? Well then, there’s a show for you called “Spartacus: Blood & Sand” on Starz. It’s a series based on the tales of Spartacus (like the Stanley Kubrick movie) but it’s really just a whole lot of dirty, sweaty, oiled-up guys & women walking around in loose-fitting bedsheets having carnal relations and then stabbing one another…and killing whole families…and there’s gladiator fights thrown in…and slow-motion CGI stuff with crimson blood going everywhere and just…it’s a lot of stuff that you thought wouldn’t be allowed on TV. That’s why it’s on Starz. Anyway, it’s okay so far…but yeah, it’s R-rated. And Xena (Lucy Lawless) is in it. Now for the news…

This Week in Nudity – Speaking of orgies, about 5,200 naked people embraced each other on the steps of Sydney's iconic Opera House on Monday for a photo shoot by Spencer Tunick. Tunick, who is known for his nude group photos in public spaces, posed participants for more than an hour in a variety of positions. "It was difficult to get the straight participants to embrace the gay participants and vice versa. So I was very happy that that last set up finally got done and everyone came together (in a) united, friendly kiss, a loving kiss in front of this great structure." Tehehe, ‘came together’ nice. Nineteen-year-old student Art Rush said he was thrilled to participate. "I'll never get a chance to do this again; it's not worth being inhibited. It doesn't feel sexual, it just feels tribal, a gathering of humanity," he said with a raging totem pole. Tunick has made a name for himself with his works featuring hundreds of naked people at unusual venues. Tunick, who is shy and adheres to mostly black dress, prefers to be called an artist, not a photographer and refers to his work as installations. That’s great. I wonder if I refer to my blog as non-profit organization (which it most certainly is non-profit) if I can get some kind of tax cut. Anyway, congratulations Mr. Tunick on turning the Opera House into something exciting and new. That would’ve been an interesting event to be a part of. Then again, in my current situation, it may not be the safest to be standing near me. “Oh, sorry mate. Thought it was a marble banister. Glad you’re finally able to get some sun on that thing. Sorry for leaning on it the past while.” “Not a problem at all, ma’am. Would you mind taking your beer mug off though? It’s terribly chilly.”

Batman / Superman Update – Okay, so remember last week when the Action Comic with the first appearance of Superman sold for a cool million bucks? And that smashed the old record for most money paid for a comic book? Well, somebody like Batman more. A 1939 comic book in which Batman makes his debut sold at auction Thursday for more than $1 million, breaking a record set just three days earlier by a Superman comic, Heritage Auction Galleries said. The Dallas-based auction house said the rare copy of Detective Comics No. 27 sold for a total of $1,075,500, which includes the buyer's premium, to a buyer who wished to remain anonymous. The consigner wanted to remain anonymous as well. "It pretty much blew away all of our expectations and now it's the highest price ever raised for a comic book," said Barry Sandoval, director of operations of Heritage's comics division. A copy of the first comic book featuring Superman, a 1938 edition of Action Comics No. 1, sold Monday for $1 million in a sale between a private seller and a private buyer, with the transaction conducted by the New York City auction site "We can really say that Batman has nosed out Superman, at least for now," Sandoval said. He said the consigner had bought the Batman comic in the late 1960s for $100. With a bright yellow background, the comic features Batman swinging on a rope above city rooftops. "That cover is just one of the most famous of all comic book covers," Sandoval said. J.C. Vaughn, associate publisher of The Overstreet Comic Book Price Guide, said most people had predicted it would be the comics with the first appearance of Superman and Batman that broke the $1 million barrier. Both comics that sold this week were in great condition — scoring an 8.0 on a scale that goes up to 10, he said. "I think that you can greenly ascribe this to a real comfort with the liquidity of rare, high grade vintage collectibles," Vaughn said. George Pantela, owner of Melbourne, Australia-based GP Analysis, which tracks sales of certified comics from more than 20 auction houses and dealers, said the previous record was about $317,000 paid a year ago for a lesser grade Action Comics No. 1 than the one sold this week. So apparently somebody’s making good in this market. And the eternal question continues? Are you a Batman…or a Superman? It’s up there with Elvis or the Beatles? Magic or Bird? Sex or Violence? I’m assuming that if you’re reading this blog, I know the answer to the last one…but still, Batman or Superman? Are you the ultimate human using all your extensive resources to be stronger, smarter, faster, better equipped, all in the name of justice (and maybe vengeance)? Or are you a super-powerful alien raised on a primitive planet that you must constantly save from its own destruction? Are you the billionaire playboy who doesn’t have time for a relationship due to your secret identity? Or are you an inexplicable pansy who can’t even hook up with a coworker for your secret identity? (Seriously, I never understood that part of Superman. “Oh I can’t let people know who I am…because it might put them in danger.” You always end up having to save them anyway. You might as well just let it out of the bag…literally. Same with the Spiderman movies) So there you go. Batman beats out Superman…but for how long? Might Wonder Woman #1 beat out both gentlemen this month? Only time will tell…

Angelina Update – Speaking of the super-powered super-hotties, there’s yet another Angelina update. Apparently the reports last week that she dropped the “Wanted” sequel for the sexy space thriller “Gravity” were only half right…because she passed on BOTH projects. So what is she doing then? Looking to adopt another baby? Looking to make another baby? Save the world? Chat with me on Facebook for hours every weekend? (Brad thinks I’m hilarious too) Who knows? But the latest reports say that she and director Darren Aronofsky ("The Wrestler," "The Fountain") are in discussions to team for a film adaptation of Ron Rash's 2008 novel "Serena: A Novel" says The Hollywood Reporter. The "There Will Be Blood"-esque story is set in 1929 North Carolina where a man and his new bride Serena (Jolie) build a timber empire and she pushes him into increasingly ruthless acts to maintain. Upon learning she's unable to conceive, she sets out to murder her husband's illegitimate child. Sounds heavy, right? Chris Kyle ("The Weight of Water," "K-19: The Widowmaker") is adapting the script while Nick Wechsler will produce. The project is still seeking financing so it may not be Jolie's first post-"Tourist" project which is looking more and more likely to be the Kay Scarpetta film (apparently a thriller about a medical examiner). So why would I shovel more hearsay through the Hollywood grapevine? Well, for one, I’m kind of enjoying the image of Angelina going cheek-to-cheek in an Aronofsky flick…but most just because it gives me an excuse to post pictures. You know me.

Panda Update – And if there’s one more thing that you should know about me…it’s that if something goes on in the world of the Panda, I’m on it like Blue Bonnet. Hunger drove a wild panda to break into a Chinese farmer's pig pen and eat their food, which was meat and bone, rather than bamboo. (I told you they were vicious animals) State-run China Central Television said the giant panda had apparently descended from the mountains in a region of southwest China's Sichuan province and was spotted in a field before the animal was found inside the pig pen, chewing on bones and spitting out the meat. After eating its fill, the panda quietly left. Although classified as carnivores, the giant pandas' diet is mainly bamboo, but it also eats other foods including honey, eggs, fish, oranges and bananas when available. Or I’m sure small children if they’re hungry enough. Scientists believe there are around 1,600 giant pandas living in the wild in China, mostly in the mountains of the southwest. The endangered species are considered a national icon and its existence is threatened by logging, agriculture and China's increasing human population. I’m just saying…they’re bears…that spend their whole lives doing three things…and that’s eating, pooping & sleeping (apparently f**king isn’t part of their daily routine though). If there’s not enough bamboo in the immediate area, then I’m surprised that they didn’t come out to see a panda taking a few strips of bacon off Gordy. Some may say that the bear was only eating the bone because they thought it was bamboo, what with the tough enamel and softer marrow within…but I think it’s much worse than that. This panda…has tasted manflesh. Sweet & spicy Sichuan manflesh. And once you’ve had a piece of that manflesh, you get the craving. It’s been proven. Whether you’re a tiger, an orca, a cannibal or a great white, you get the Hunger…and there’s just no going back. Sure, pandas are kinda lazy now and only trying to eat the bones that are left in troughs…but one day, they’ll realize the abundant supply of meat in the villages…and then we’ll see how cute & cuddly they are when they’re tearing down your walls and coming after your children like giant hairy zombies.

Hmm, I think I have me an idea for a movie so bad that the People’s Republic of China would call for me to be tarred & feathered. I’m thinking Samuel L. Jackson in the lead role. “Endangered species, my ass.” KERPLOW!!! Shotgun blasts and gory panda special effects by Tom Savini. It’ll do for pandas what Jaws did for sharks. Make them badass. Sorry, drifted off point for a second. So yeah, pandas are looking for bigger game than fish…and as I’ve mentioned before, they’re carnivorous bears. Be careful when you wander the lovely Sichuan hills with your loved one, maybe have a little picnic under a tree, maybe share a joint or two, start fooling around, “Oh come on, baby”, “Wait Li Quan, did you hear something?”, “It’s the wind blowing through the trees. Come on, me love you long time”, “That’s just racist…hmm, okay.” After several seconds of foreplay, there’s a crackle in the nearby bamboo stalks. “What’s that?” “I think it’s…a panda?” “Aaaah, he’s so cute.” “It’s just a little baby pandaaaah…” Four razor sharp claws burst out of his chest…and the daddy bear digs in. “AAAAGH!!!” A blood-curdling scream is the same in any language. She braces herself against the tree, too petrified to do anything else as the bear continues. The baby is now nudging her feet, maybe looking for a little pet or sign of affection. “Go away.” The baby walks away with a pouty expression…and it gets quiet. No more screams, roars, crunching of bone, tearing of flesh & cartilage, just the wind in the trees. She turns her attention back to the daddy bear, now with more red fur than white…and he’s staring her down. She still can’t move. “Please don’t hurt me.” The bear’s eyes soften as the baby goes to his feet, letting out a cute little whiny roar. The daddy then looks at the baby, then back to her, then back to the baby…and they walk off. “Whew… Oh no, Li Quan.” She tears up…but tries to be quiet so as not to rouse the pandas again. She closes her eyes for a moment, opens them…and they’re still walking away. That’s when the other two pandas attack from the sides like raptors as the title sequences starts amid her screams & flailing body parts. Oh yes, they’re pack hunters in my movie…and manflesh is an aphrodisiac to pandas…but that’ll all be explained later in the movie & in the subsequent sequels. Sounds like something you would watch? You bet your ass you would. I’ve seen the opening weekend box office numbers for some real crap horror movies out there. I’m thinking I could turn a profit with this one.

So that’s going to do it for today. I’ve got to start with the script & see if I can get Samuel away from the Marvel contract of his for a few days. Another one to add to my pile of blockbusters that’ll probably never get made…at least with my name on the credits. Have a great day everybody!!!

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