Friday, March 19, 2010

Anaconda Malt Liquor

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

IT’S FRIDAY!!! Beautiful weather for the weekend, not a damn thing to do. I’m really considering making a run out to the coast and get a preview of San Francisco for my trip next month. It’d be a lot easier decision if I had somebody to share it with (ladies…) but hey, I can have fun all by myself too. Maybe I’ll leave in the morning…and by lunchtime, I’ll be at Fisherman’s Wharf and can have some crab cakes or popcorn shrimp or fish tacos or halibut or whatever, with Ghirardelli chocolate for dessert…and then lose my delicious lunch when Vicki” tells me the story about inmates at Alcatraz urinating into the b**ch’s ocular cavities…but luckily there’s another cafeteria on the island as well. Oh it should be amazing. My only hesitation…is that it’s a little expensive for just a weekend getaway when it’s just me. Even parking is f**king ridiculous, plus hotel, food, activities, gas for Gretchen, it adds up…but hey, it’s a gorgeous weekend & I’d be a fool to just sit at home and do nothing...by which I mean laundry. Then again, the tournament’s also on all weekend. Hmm, next weekend should be gorgeous too. Ah, we’ll see how I feel in the morning.

This past week, I’ve seen a few movies. I’ll get the bad one out of the way first. It’s called “Hell Ride” and stars Michael Madsen, Vinnie Jones, Dennis Hopper, the late great David Carradine, and writer / director / star Larry Bishop but the reason I gave it a chance was because it was produced by Quentin Tarantino & the Weinsteins. It’s basically a biker movie about the story of Pistolero (Bishop), Comanche & the Gent (Madsen) as they seek revenge in a gritty homage to the biker movies of the 60’s & 70’s. If you really like those movies…then it’s okay. Plenty of nudity, peyote trips, sexual innuendo, unshaven faces & other places and special guest stars like Dennis Hopper (“Hell’s Angels”) but for the most part, I just wasn’t feeling it. Luckily it’s only about 80 minutes long…and the hot girls make up for it. You’ve seen it all before though…and if you haven’t, and aren’t a fan of the genre, then you probably don’t want to see it.

However, another homage movie, “Black Dynamite” this being of the blaxploitation movies…is just about the funniest f**king movie I’ve seen in a while. Former CIA agent & overall badass Black Dynamite (Michael Jai White from “Spawn” fame) is on a mission to find the sucka who killed his only brother. However, he soon finds out…that the conspiracy leads all the way to the top. Enough about the plot though, seriously, if you’re a big fan of “Shaft”, “Dolemite”, “Superfly” and all the other classics…then you absolutely need to see this movie. It’s a satire of them of course…but it’s not in an incredibly over-the-top way. It’s trying to be funny…by being a serious movie in the most ridiculous of circumstances and situations inspired by the classics. The cast is simply amazing too. Michael Jai White was born to play this role (being a martial arts badass and all in the first place) and there’s guest stars including Tommy Davidson, Mykelti Williamson, Cedric Yarborough, Bokeem Woodbine, Brian McKnight, Miguel Nunez jr, John Salley, the ghost of Captain Kangaroo & even Arseniooooooo Hall. It really is just hilarious…and the timing was just perfect with the South Park episode that I mentioned yesterday. Can you dig it? If you can, I strongly suggest that you watch this movie and laugh your ass off. Oh…and if you want to watch the classics, I’ve got them of course. I’d be happy to introduce you to the Game. Now here’s the news…

The Sexting 2: Tiger in the Rough – Oh…and I may try to introduce the news with horrible movie titles, so be warned. Oh yes, after the little ditty yesterday about sexually explicit texting (sexting) landing people in hot water in Dubai, now the Tiger himself may be in for more than he bargained for with this electronic paper trail of extramarital evidence. A former porn actress says she may reveal more potentially embarrassing information about Tiger Woods after releasing sexually graphic text messages that she claims prove her affair with the golfer. Joslyn James (yes, that's her...and I had no idea she was Chinese. Look at the tat where my hand should be) told The Associated Press on Thursday that she disclosed the messages because she wants people to realize that she was honest when she came forth earlier this year and said Woods had avidly pursued her. "I just wanted the public to know and the truth to be out there for me to have people see what I was being told and not just judge me for being with a married guy," she said. James posted more than 100 texts on her Web site Thursday, including some in which arrangements were made for her to meet with Woods at hotels where he was staying. Others stated a desire for rough sex, including messages dated August 29th in which a person James says is Woods tells her he wants to slap her and that she should beg the next time he sees her (kinky). James, whose real name is Veronica Siwik-Daniels, said she met Woods when she was working at a Las Vegas nightclub he frequented (sigh… I miss Vegas). She said he led her to believe she was the only woman in his life other than his wife (How’d that work out?). "If I would have known everything that was going on, and wasn't being lied to, I would have done things differently." (Like ask him to wear a condom?) A request for comment from a Woods spokesman was not immediately returned. She has saved more than 1,000 texts Woods sent her (dang, I need memory like that on my cell phone), James said, and plans to release more in the days ahead. She posted the first batch just two days after Woods announced he was ending his four-month, self-imposed exile to play at the Masters at Augusta National in Georgia. They could be a distraction to golf's greatest player as he prepares for his comeback. The final three texts James released Thursday were dated October 4th and indicate the sender became enraged with her, apparently after their relationship was nearly discovered. "Don't (bleep) talk to me," the final one said. "You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there..." She said the relationship didn't end, however, until several weeks later. James is only posting messages she says are from Woods and none from herself to the golfer. She said that's because her cell phone quickly overwrites outgoing texts and she wasn't able to save them (ah-ha, she does have my network). So there you go. I must admit, I’m a little curious what the text messages say…but at the same time, I can kinda guess. “I just got back from the salon…and the greens have been tended. If you hurry, you can get a quick nine in before lunch back at the clubhouse.” Hey, what do you expect? I’m trying to make golf exciting.

Trim the Hedges - A nudist in Boulder, Colorado who was threatened with eviction last spring for gardening outside wearing only pasties and a thong has caused another stir by gardening topless. At least four callers told police 52-year-old Catharine Pierce (remember her?) was in her yard topless on Wednesday. State law prohibits exposed genitals, but Pierce was wearing a thong and gardening gloves (because you’ve got to protect your hands). Police spokeswoman Sarah Huntley said an officer told Pierce to consider wearing a shirt because children at the school across the street were playing outside. Oh yes, she lives across the street from a school, maybe your child’s. Pierce's husband then complained to police. Huntley said a police supervisor agreed with Pierce's husband that Pierce wasn't breaking any laws. Boulder is considering expanding its anti-nudity law now. Sigh… thanks Mr. & Mrs. Pierce, now you may ruin the annual nudist run of the buffalo girls of CU-Boulder for all of us. And it wouldn’t be a problem if your wife were hot. I’m just kidding, I’ve never met your wife…but I assume because it’s a problem, she’s no Michelle Pfeiffer. Mmm…

F**king Joggers - The attorney representing a jogger accused of yelling at police and citizens during his runs through Portsmouth, New Hampshire said an order barring his client from the city while he is free on bail is unconstitutional. Attorney Anthony Naro argued during a hearing Tuesday that a judge should dismiss a charge that 28-year-old Craig O'Brien violated his bail conditions. But prosecutor Rena DiLando argued that O'Brien engaged in a willful course of conduct, taunting the police department with daily visits for a week while on bail. The judge has not ruled on the dismissal motion. O'Brien is a resident of Eliot, Maine. He faces disorderly conduct charges alleging he yelled profanities or offensive words during jogging outings last May and August. Honestly, I think this guy should watch out when he’s jogging…because if he were talking sh*t to me, he might just get hit by a moving vehicle. I’m not threatening…or implying anything, I’m just saying…it’s a possibility. Joggers get hit by cars all the time…and that’s without reason. I’m sure you jog to relieve stress or whatever…but hey, watch your mouth. However, I have another thought. Maybe he wasn’t just being a douche. Maybe he was just singing along to his iPod. Being a fellow 28-year old, perhaps Mr. O’Brien was just taking a jog down Memory Lane singing, “I’ll serve your a** like John McEnroe, if your girl steps up, I’m smacking the h**” Now that I’ve got that song stuck in your head, please feel free to Jump Around.

Queen Jaguar – No, not another homage to “Foxy Brown” or “Coffey” but rather a new investment opportunity for you. At first sight it seems like just another second-hand luxury car for sale… but this Jaguar included some special extras in its day such as emergency convoy lights and a direct radio link to the Prime Minister of Great Britain. That's because this green Daimler V8 was formerly owned and driven by the Queen between 2001 and 2004. Delivered to the royal family with 2,000 test miles, the queen added 12,000 more miles to the clock traveling to and from Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle. It was specifically built for the monarch and designed to satisfy all her needs. It has a special armrest to accommodate the queen's handbag and the original registration used by her is still in the vehicle. The car which has a list price of 65,000 pounds (about $100,000) was in secure storage at the Jaguar factory until Peter Radcliffe, a specialist memorabilia dealer, bought it. He is now offering it for sale on the website https://owa.marriott.com/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/nm/od_uk_nm/storytext/oukoe_uk_britain_queen_jaguar/35506258/SIG=113l63q17/*http:/www.hmthequeensdaimler.com. "It is in truly immaculate as new condition and has all original paperwork, service book, spare keys and photographs of the queen driving the car," Radcliffe said on the website. Want to drive a piece of history? You’ll have a place to put your handbag…and it’s only get 14,000 miles on it. I was hoping it’d be a little more James Bond-like with ejector seat and rockets and oil slick and machine guns and stuff like that. Who knows? Maybe that red button isn’t for emergency blinkers…

Cold Blooded – Tuesday, Interfax news agency reported that a Russian couple having sex in a car parked in a tiny garage have died from carbon monoxide poisoning. "A man and a woman retreated to their Volkswagen to have sex... Most likely the lovers turned on the engine to get warm," Interfax reported, citing a source in the Moscow police force. During a moment of "intimate closeness," the pair, in southern Moscow, inhaled the gas and died. Many Russians keep their cars in box-like iron garages near their homes, which snugly encase their cars. Truly a tragic tale of star-crossed lovers…but hey, what a way to go. If I had to die accidentally, this is up near the top. The thing is…okay, I get the whole “intimate closeness” in the back seat of your VW (though they must’ve been midgets) but…why not just take it indoors? It’s freezing outside. Who cares if the neighbors hear? I wonder if there was a roommate situation. “Oh nyet!” “What’s wrong?” “My roommate Vladamir has put a tie on ze doorknob. He with girlfriend.” “You with girlfriend too. Don’t you have separate bedrooms.” “Dah, but if on front door, they probably banging in living room or kitchen. We no want to go in there. Dude code.” “What we do then?” “Back to the car. I have an idea.” RIP Boris & Natasha

Bruce Willis Update – Everybody loves Bruce Willis. Just admit it. Out doing press for "Cop Out" about a month ago, he indicated a fifth "Die Hard" may be on the cards sooner than expected. The actor told MTV News that "I think we're going to do a 'Die Hard 5' next year... It's got to go worldwide. That would be my contribution to it." Willis also added he'd like to see "Live Free or Die Hard" director Len Wiseman back behind the camera for the film - "I would hire Len Wiseman right now". Willis also told the site he'd be up for an "Unbreakable" sequel and director M. Night Shymalan "is still thinking about" the project, which I think would be awesome…because as you know, I loved the first. Not really sure where it would go from the end. Oooh, maybe a giant asteroid is heading towards Earth…and Bruce Willis has to protect us somehow. That would be a sweet movie. Okay, so that really isn’t news, right? Just Hollywood speculation and wishes that have yet to be. Well, how about this then? Apparently, Jamie Foxx (“Ray”, “Miami Vice” & “Booty Call”) is locking down the last elements in a deal to star in the video game-to-film adaptation "Kane & Lynch" for Lionsgate and Millennium Films reports Variety. Ward adapted the script from the 2007 game "Kane & Lynch: Dead Men" which follows the mercenary Adam 'Kane' Marcus (played by Bruce Willis) and aggressive, schizophrenic killer James Lynch (Foxx) teaming to retrieve a dangerous device as ransom payment to retrieve his kidnapped wife and daughter. Foxx would seem to be playing Lynch, a radical choice as Lynch physically is the complete opposite of Foxx in every way (but hey, it worked for Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury & Will Smith in “Wild, Wild West”, right?). Kyle Ward penned the script and Simon Crane is directing (first time director, but was stunt coordinator for classic movies like Titanic, Mr & Mrs Smith, Saving Private Ryan, a few James Bond movies, Tomb Raider, Troy and this summer’s Salt). Filming kicks off in August. So there you go, that might make for a pretty good movie. The video game wasn’t that bad. My brother & I played it one afternoon. I’m also liking the idea of Willis & Foxx better than Willis & Morgan…but hey, what do I know about movies other than what I like?

Red Sonja Remake – So I’ve been updating you every week or so on the progress of the new Conan…but what about Red Sonja? Well, it’s been taking a while to get off the ground. Here, I’ll let the director explain. Robert Rodriguez (“From Dusk Til Dawn” & “Desperado”) explains that it was legal and financing issues more than anything that caused the "Red Sonja" film adaptation to become stuck in development hell. Speaking with MTV News at the SXSW Film Festival, Rodriguez says "If I kept the project myself, we could've just made it, but it belonged to another company that had financing problems... They had to wait until they made a couple of other movies first." In fact one of those movies has just begun production, Rodriguez saying "They're actually waiting until they make the Conan movie before they do that - to see how that works for them." So they’re waiting to see if Conan makes money before they give the green light to Red Sonja. Well, I still like the idea of Rose McGowan or whoever kicked some barbarian ass…and where the hell is that Barbarella remake that I’ve been reporting about (and dreaming of)?

Well, that’ll do it for tonight. I’m really starting to feel this weekend may be a road trip out to San Francisco for a night or so. The more I think about it, I realize it’s a bit expensive by myself… but it’ll also be a lot of fun. AND it’ll give me something to report here on Monday to make you all hella jealous and want to come visit or something. It’s Boss Man K’s birthday today too…so be sure to wish him a happy birthday, okay? Anyway, have a great weekend everybody!!!

3 comments:

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Viagra said...

Anaconda Malt Liqour, isn't this from the movie "Black Dynamite"?

Elliott Broidy said...

Too funny.

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