Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Erin Go Bragh

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, we got what I like to call a “Surprise Six”. What’s that? Well, it’s when you’re surprised with six inches of previously unforecasted snow when you wake up in the morning. It wasn’t too bad. The roads were a little icy because it was like ten degrees overnight but most made it through safely. We’ve seen it before. There’s also supposed to be a chance of snow on Friday, when my mom comes to visit…but hopefully that’s just more meteorologist guestimates because we plan on having some fun. Then again, this bit of snow may be okay as there’s a snowman (or snowwoman) making contest at Kings Beach on Friday that would’ve otherwise probably been cancelled. Wish us luck & send us suggestions. I’m thinking something in a Bettie Page might win over the (male) judges. And if the ladies ask, “It’s Bettie White of course.” “Then why are…her breasts out and she’s striking that pose?” “Oh no, this powdery snow’s hard to form. See, I was trying to get her to appear to be waving but…I guess I’m just out of practice.” Good times…followed by a pub crawl.

Last night, I also watched “Boondock Saints II: All Saint’s Day” which is a sequel to one of my favorite flicks of all time. For those who don’t know the story, it’s about two Irish brothers (Sean Patrick Flanery & Norman Reedus) who basically seek justice by killing criminals, usually involved with the Mafia in their hometown of Boston. That’s the first movie. The sequel picks up about 8 years later…and right off the bat, they’re sheep farmers in Ireland with Grizzly Adams beards. “Okay, I’ll let it slide. They must be on the run.” Yup, apparently right after the first movie ended, they ran off to Ireland to hide from the cops with their father (Billy Connelly). Well, back in Boston, somebody has copycatted them…but killed a priest. So now they have to go find out who did it…and defend their names (which apparently was already good enough to run off to Ireland). Well, they run into this annoying Mexican guy (Chris Collins jr) who helps them out…and then there’s a hot FBI agent with a bad Southern accent (Julie Benz, who I love in “Dexter”) and the mob boss who’s framing them is Judd Nelson from “The Breakfast Club” and there’s a very tiny assassin and…there’s these weird cutoffs with Rocco (from the first movie) where sometimes it’s just him spitting random vulgar quips of wisdom and other times he’s sharing a dream with his buddies…and then there’s special guest stars. Okay, so…it’s not the great movie ever made basically. It’s an okay sequel…but I’m not sure if I’d watch it again…and that’s a bold thing for me to say…because I’ve watched the original dozens of times. If you liked the first one, you may want to give it a gander…but don’t expect to be blown away.

Old Baldy Back in Philly – No, not Terry Bradshaw…and he was in Pittsburgh anyway. I’m talking about a man and his horse. A museum in Philadelphia will once again showcase the head of Old Baldy, the horse Gen. George Meade rode during many of the Civil War's most infamous battles. The warhorse's preserved head was the subject of a battle between two city museums that both claimed ownership (possession is 9/10th of the law, suckah). A deal has been reached that allows the Grand Army of the Republic Museum and the Civil War Museum to share Old Baldy. The head could arrive at the Grand Army museum this month. The Civil War Museum closed in 2008 but plans to reopen in 2015 (so why is this even a problem for the next five years?). Other items in its collection have been sent to several area museums. Old Baldy was considered a Union hero after surviving the battles of Antietam and Gettysburg and soldiering on after being shot in battle many times…and all without saying a word (unlike that whiny prissy Mister Ed). So yeah, I like this story. Why? Because everybody gets head…in the name of history.

Mmm Cheese - Breast milk cheese, anyone? “Yes please.” A Manhattan chef has posted a recipe on his blog for what he calls "My spouse's mommy milk cheese." Daniel Angerer co-owns Klee Brasserie with his wife Lori Mason. A photo on his blog features the cheese encrusted with maple caramelized pumpkin and Concord grapes (but none of the milk’s source? How else do we know it’s fresh?). They had an overabundance of milk for their newborn, Arabella Caroline. When their small freezer ran out of space, Angerer decided to experiment. Angerer said his cooking instincts tend toward things natural. But even he admits: "THIS is a whole other level of 'natural.'" Well, it sounds delicious…and before any of you start thinking “$teve, that’s gross. Why would you want cheese from a woman’s teat? A married woman’s teat even?” Think about what you’re asking. Why wouldn’t I prefer a woman’s milk…over that of a cow? Or a goat? I worked at a dairy for two years. Those b**ches are disgusting…and dumb as a rock. I would think “Why do I do this? Oh yeah, milk.” Then I would have visions of one day in the not-so-distant future…when I would have my own dairy…filled with Cambodian & Brazilian immigrant women (because everybody knows they have the finest breast milk) who would run around free range until feeding time (specific diets for the desired subtle flavor) and then after a quick stop by the milking stations (where teenage boys would pay ME to do the job), they’re back to the fields to play games with their children (not going to go into the studding procedures this time…but I assure you the children are HUGE). Meanwhile I sleep in a huge pile of money with my “pet” Mariella by my side. Not so crazy NOW, is it? I mean… this economy is the perfect climate too. Hovering around 10% unemployment, single mothers out of work and looking for ways to provide for their children, who they’re not able to be with because of their erratic work schedule, maybe the answer’s the simple life on a farm. Man, if only I owned some land… Well, next time I’m in Manhattan, I know where I’m going for lunch.

Real Banana Hammock - Australian underwear company AussieBum has been monkeying around and the result is a range of men's underwear made with bananas. The new eco-friendly banana range of undies incorporates 27% banana fiber, 64% cotton and 9% lycra, AussieBum's Lloyd Jones said on Friday. He said the banana fiber used in the underwear is made from a bark weave from the banana plant and makes the underwear not only lightweight, but also very absorbent (ugh…okay? Just in case?). "Naturally you can't really add anymore banana fiber than that because it might be a bit squishy," said Jones, adding that wearers did not have to worry about real monkeys, as the underwear does not smell (nor I assume taste) like a banana. Yes, I live in constant fear of monkeys craving my underwear…but only after they’ve had a few drinks. Thank you for clarifying. So now you can have a real banana hammock…which will also swell up when it’s a little wet. You may never have to find a urinal again…and your junk will look better because of it (probably still smell bad though). Oh the possibilities. Sorry, still thinking about my farm.

Chocolate Racecar – Wow, this is turning into a pretty tasty entry. Fuelled by leftover chocolate and with components made from carrots, potato starch and flax, the world's first sustainable Formula 3 racing car has a top speed of 135 miles per hour and can go from zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds. Sound nuts? “Sounds like Mr. Fusion from Back to the Future.” Wait, there’s more. Brake pads made from cashews are still under development. Meet Lola, the University of Warwick's blend of muscle and eco-friendliness and the world's first racing car retrofitted with renewable and sustainable materials. Researchers from the university showed off their prize possession at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's (MIT) energy conference in Boston. "She's incredibly green, taking materials that would otherwise have ended up in a landfill. It lets people engage with recycling without the finger-wagging," said Kerry Kirwan, one of the car's designers at the university. "The public has really taken the car to its heart, because she's fun." Many of the car's components would more usually be found at a farmer's market…or in a rubbish bin, since most of the materials are actually industrial waste. The 2.0-litre BMW engine has been converted to diesel from gasoline and configured to run on fuel derived from waste from chocolate factories (pure imagination?) or other plant-based oils (fossils were plants once). Among Lola's other unique features is a radiator that converts ozone back to oxygen. "It's a racing car that cleans up as it goes along," said Steve Maggs, another member of the design team. The WorldFirst Formula 3 racing car took the university more than nine months to develop and cost around $200,000 (man, that IS green). Kirwan said that the thinking behind the project was to find a way to really put recycled materials to the test. "A lot of these technologies were a huge leap of application, something that shows the material under a really demanding application." A racecar that runs on chocolate & leftovers. You’ll never look at your wife’s cooking the same. “Oh honey, it was delicious. I love it when you try new things. But I’ve gotta drive around town tomorrow with a client from work and…it would just save us a lot of money to use it for fuel instead. Mmm delicious though.”

On another note, I was flipping through the channels the other day…and stumbled upon “Back to the Future Part II” and it peeved me off. It’s 2010, which means 2015 is just around the corner. Where the hell are my flying cars? Hoverboards? Insta-dry jackets…er, life preservers or whatever? Electro-hypno knock-out rays (aka Jackpot Machine)? Arcade games where you don’t use your hands? (Big ups to pre-pubescent Elijah Wood - “You use your hands? That’s a baby’s toy”) Not only that…but unless there are about a dozen other Jaws movies in the works right now, I don’t think we’re going to get up to number 19 in time for the holographic 3-D theatre display. AND I STILL WANT AN AFFORDABLE DELORIAN (with flux capacitor option)!!! Granted, we do have a few things that were predicted in the movie…like the ability to watch six TV channels at once (sports fans know what I’m talking about), entire meals that almost magically appear out of microwaves (still working on the exact dimensions & speed for the public), for some reason we still use fax machines, and now we’re just starting with cars that run on trash & flat beer…but still waiting for all the cool stuff. As with most things, I blame Bush. And of course I mean the President (though the other HAS distracted many a great men from their studies since time was time). I’m just saying…get on the ball, scientists (and movie directors with those Jaws flicks).

Well, that’ll do it for tonight. By the way, since I know that you’re all thinking about it, Weber State IS my upset special pick for the NCAA Men’s Tournament next weekend. I’ve gotta represent for my team from the city of Ogden…being one who still has a number of academic AP credits there. Go Wildcats!!! Less than two days until my mama comes to visit. Ooooh happy daaaay!!! Have a great night everybody!!!

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