Yet another busy day at work…but I got through it without a scratch. Well, other than that, not a whole lot going on except tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day (big ups to the Mad Scientist for last year’s adventures that I vaguely remember) and I’m sure that I’ll find something around here to do. There’s always the Bar of America, the Tourist Club, a microbrewery and more all within a mile of my house. Pair that with the beautiful weather that we’ve been having…and that could be a little dangerous. You’re all free to join me, of course. You may want to hurry though. I plan on being faded in less than 24 hours. Hmm, I wonder if the office will come down with a case of “strep throat” like last year. Anyway, here’s the news…
Peter Graves - Peter Graves, whose calm and intelligent demeanor was a good fit to the intrigue of "Mission Impossible" as well as the satire of the "Airplane" films, died over the weekend. Graves passed away Sunday just a few days before his 84th birthday outside his home in Los Angeles, publicist Sandy Brokaw said. Graves was returning from brunch with his wife of nearly 60 years (wow…) and his family when he had what Graves' doctor believed was a heart attack, Brokaw said. Graves first gained attention of many baby boomers with the 1950s TV series "Fury," but remained best known for the role of Jim Phelps, leader of a gang of special agents who battled evil conspirators in TV's "Mission: Impossible" and as the pilot of the “Airplane!” movies. He noted during an interview in 2000 that he made his foray into comedy somewhat reluctantly. Filmmakers Jim Abrahams and David and Jerry Zucker had written a satire on the airplane-in-trouble movies, and they wanted Graves and fellow handsome actors Lloyd Bridges, Leslie Nielsen and Robert Stack to spoof their serious images. On the one hand, he said, he considered the role a challenge, "but it also scared me." "I thought I could lose a whole long acting career," he recalled. Graves was also a champion hurdler in high school in Minnesota, as well as a clarinet player in dance bands and a radio announcer (no doubt where he honed that smooth delivery). After two years in the Air Force, he enrolled at the University of Minnesota as a drama major and worked in summer stock before following his brother west to Hollywood. Whenever I think of Peter Graves, I think of the timeless question, “Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?” We will miss you, Mr. Graves. Always cool, classy and dignified…even when you’re outside your comfort zone. My condolences to his family.
Shortest Man Dies - The world's shortest man has died in Italy, where he was to take part in a TV show, the program's production company said Tuesday. He Pingping, of China, who was 2 feet, 5.37 inches (74.6 centimeters) tall, had become a recognized figure across the world, often taking part in shows, photo shoots and other events, Guinness World Records said. Craig Glenday, the Guinness World Records editor-in-chief, said He (the name, not the capitalized pronoun referring to God) was "an inspiration to anyone considered different or unusual" and "showed us that, despite the challenges we face, we can still make the most out of life." He died Saturday in Rome, according to the TV production company Europroduzione. Guinness World Records said in a press release He was born in 1988 with a form of primordial dwarfism. He was officially measured in March 2008. He was taken to a hospital March 3 after he fell ill while rehearsing the Italian program "The Record Show," Marco Fernandez de Araoz of Europroduzione said. After two days, He was transferred to intensive care, where he was found to have a heart condition and high cholesterol. He said the hospital, where he died, has so far given as his cause of death the heart condition (okay, so the name He & pronoun he in the last sentence was a little confusing). The man's body will be flown to China soon once the paperwork is ready. It’s truly unfortunate. And you can be sure that I’m going to try to Google what TV show he was on in Italy. Dare I imagine… an Italian version of Austin Powers? “Si baby, si.”
Booby Bank – Enough talk about death, let’s get back to what this blog is about, which today, like most days, includes breasts. A fraud bust, indeed: Spokane County sheriff's deputies said a woman was hiding nearly $26,000 in her bra when she was booked into jail for investigation of theft. Lukeisha A. Harris was one of three Seattle-area residents arrested Friday as part of an alleged fraud ring. Deputies said they used phony Oregon driver's licenses and counterfeit credit cards to obtain cash advances from Spokane banks. Sheriff's spokesman Dave Reagan said the three were arrested after a worker at one bank reported that they tried to obtain money using a stolen credit card. The investigators followed the ring to two other banks before making the bust. Reagan said that during a search at the Spokane County Jail, guards found that the 24-year-old Harris (who is 6 feet tall and 400 pounds, so not shown in the picture) had the cash hidden in her bra, along with bank receipts. It was not immediately known Saturday if Harris or the other suspects had lawyers. It’s a pretty straight forward story…until I mention that the safety deposit box has yet to be found…and I don’t know about you…but I’m not looking for it.
Mugshot of the Week - Iowa City police arrested a woman who allegedly attacked her sister with the lid of a toilet tank. Nitasha Johnson, of Iowa City, was arrested early Sunday and was charged with domestic abuse assault causing injury and interference with official acts (taking a dump?). According to police, Johnson removed the lid and hit her sister during a fight. Authorities said the sister suffered an injured foot and finger (that’s it?). Johnson was taken to the Johnson County jail. She remained in jail on Monday on a $1,500 bond. Jail officials did not know if she had hired an attorney. I just kinda liked the smugness of the mugshot…and the fact that there’s a toilet lid involved in a domestic dispute. Notice they didn’t say what the fight was about. “Nitasha!!! Get outta the f**king bathroom, I’m prairie dogging.” “I’ll get out when I’m damn good & ready.” Oh…and you would be seriously mistaken if you think this is the only toilet humor in this post.
Swiss Crapsmanship – Oh it’s not a typo. A Swiss watchmaker is hoping to raise a stink with an expensive timepiece that eschews the trade's standard gold, diamond or titanium fittings for a more earthy substance — dinosaur dung. Vesenaz, Switzerland-based company Artya says the watch set in fossilized feces will sell for about $12,000 and comes with a strap made with skin from an American cane toad. Designer Yvan Arpa said Monday the coprolite (fancy word for crap) came from a plant-eater that died about 100 million years ago in what is now the U.S. That’s right. There is now a device that you can wear on your wrist wherever you go…that will tell you the exact time with Swiss precision…that is made out of something that a corn-eating sauropod shat out more than 100 million years ago (that’s 8 zeroes) and the only thing separating this prehistoric bowel movement and you…is a strap made of frog skin…and it will cost you about $12,000. Just send me a picture when you buy yours, okay?
Hamburglar - A German woman called the police after she heard someone climbing up to her balcony shortly after midnight Thursday. She was fearful that a burglar was trying to break into her second storey apartment. Police surrounded the house, drew weapons, the man jumped down from the balcony and tried to escape but was quickly tackled by the police…and then they discovered the "burglar" was a man carrying flowers and a bottle of wine who turned out to be the woman's boyfriend. The best part is…they arrested him anyway because of an outstanding warrant. "He was trying to surprise her with the flowers and a bottle of wine but it all went wrong," said Korbach police spokesman Volker Koenig. "He nevertheless gave the police who were taking him to jail the bottle of wine as a gesture of thanks for the friendly treatment after the arrest." I could see that. “Danke schoen for not ass-raping me or making me an unwilling costar in a scheisse film.” See ladies…and you wonder why chivalry is dead. Because most of us nice guys still have outstanding warrants for other stuff (in my case it’s mostly indecent exposure, public urination & trying to pick fights with the Governor of California). On another note, did you guys know that I speak German? Or at least did pretty fluently a decade ago? My boss was sent a German travel magazine earlier today and gave it to me. Should be good practice. Ah, now the children’s book from yesterday makes sense, right? That and the link to Ruben auf Deutsch’s blog. Now you know.
Amsterdam Update – You know what? If my company opens up a branch in Amsterdam, I’m just moving there. Get used to the idea. Hell, if the right job comes around (manager of a chocolate factory in the Red Light District?) then I may just move there anyway. A union representing Dutch nurses will launch a national campaign Friday against demands for sexual services by patients who claim it should be part of their standard care. I’m going to repeat that just so that it sinks in…so please read every word carefully. A union representing Dutch nurses…will launch a national campaign Friday AGAINST demands for sexual services by patients…who claim it should be part of their STANDARD care. The union, NU'91, is calling the campaign "I Draw The Line Here" (of which I’m curious EXACTLY where that line may be) with an advert that features a young woman covering her face with crossed hands (“No blow with your HMO”?). The union said in a statement Thursday that the campaign follows a complaint it had received in the last week from a 24-year-old woman who said a 42-year-old disabled man asked her to provide sexual services as part of his care at home (it’s worth a shot, right?). According to the union, the young woman witnessed some of the man's other nurses offering him sexual gratification (get the f**k out, really?). When she refused to do the same, he tried to dismiss her on the grounds that she was unfit to provide care. "This type of action is not part of the job responsibilities of carers and nurses," NU'91 said. The case has been reported to police, the union added. That’s it. F**k health care reform, I’m moving to Amsterdam where there’s a 50/50 chance that if I ask for an oral exam, it’ll be covered by plan. It boggled the mind to think how happy a nation would be with a plan like that (of course using proper protection). Hell, I wouldn’t mind paying the prison ass-raping price of health insurance if there was a little incentive for staying healthy. “Well Dr. Love, it appears that everything is in order. Your heart rate seems fine, blood pressure’s normal, cholesterol’s a little high but better than your last visit. You’re the image of health. Great job.” “Thanks doc.” “Only one test left…and if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to leave the room while my nurse Camille checks thoroughly for a hernia, any unusual growths and then to make sure all the pipes are working properly.” “Really? Wow, thanks doc.” “Not a problem. Just wait until you reach forty and we have to check your colon too. Which reminds me, I’d better make my appointment. Excuse me.” Do you think people would eat vegetables, work out, get standard checkups, floss, whatever they’ve got to do to be healthy if they’re rewarded like THAT? You betcha. Hell, I do those things based on the thought that I might possibly have the opportunity at some point in the future for consensual sensual activity. At least I would know that my massive deduction from my paycheck was going towards something. Hey Obama, see if you can work this into the plan somehow. By the way, wanna know who told me about this story? My mom. Love ya moms.
Okay, I think that’ll do it for today. I’ll leave you with that thought…of what could be. Be sure to check out Lilie’s blog as she’ll have some sweet pictures of her visit to New Orleans and be safe out there on St. Patty’s Day. Have a great day everybody!!!