Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Babies Are Mocking Me

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First & foremost, a most sincere apology to Bone Junior for not watching the Oscars the other day. You see, had I been invited to your fabulous Oscar party (some 500 miles away) and had the pleasure of both your company and your moist, delicious Oscar Cake, I would’ve surely witnessed them. However, watching them alone in my winter wonderland apartment with nobody to b**ch with about the Eagles cutting Brian Westbrook and how “I can’t believe THAT was nominated” would’ve proven too heart-wrenching. So I apologize…and I’m glad that you had fun watching them. How’s that for Love?

The other day at work, we started doing a few “getting to know you” things to…well, get to know one another. We’ve been really busy the past few months and now that the office is set up, we figured that we might as well get to know the people we’re working with. So one of the things was the True Colors Personality Test. Basically it’s one of those where you rank groups of words in order of how they describe you…add the rankings up…and it spits out a color of Orange, Gold, Blue or Green that apparently is your personality. Though a lot of the groupings were like “Well, at home I’m more like that…but I’m like that at work…and in Vegas I’m more this…” so it was really odd to rank them…but I did. Well, I took this…and it came out Green (GO EAGLES!!!). What does that mean? I’m Curious. Or according to the paper, I seek knowledge & understanding, live life by my own standards, value intelligence, insight, fairness & justice, and am a cool, calm & collected problem solver. Some other adjectives were analytical (not anal), conceptual, inventive, logical, hypothetical & perfectionistic. It even went to break it down like this…

At Work, I am conceptual and an independent thinker. For me, work is play (I thought it was a typo and meant “pay” too…but it’s actually play). I am drawn to constant challenge in careers (or have change of residence forced on me) and like to develop models, explore ideas, or build systems to satisfy my need to deal with the innovative. For the most part, it’s true. I don’t like to do repetitive tedious stuff. I tend to think outside the box & like to be on my toes and in the middle of things. I like to find out why we have certain procedures…and then maybe improve on them if possible. That’s one reason why everybody loves me here in Tahoe…but didn’t so much in Denver. Denver already had their routine & procedures in play when I came in…so for me to question them might’ve been seen as a threat or something…but I was just curious…as the paper says.

In Love, I prefer to let my head rule my heart (which head depends on the situation, I guess). I dislike repetition, so it is difficult for me to continuously express feelings (yeah, I have a real problem with opening up…he said sarcastically). I believe that once feelings are stated, they are obvious to a partner. Well…not exactly. I’m much more of an “actions speak louder than words” kind of guy. If I say that I love you, I f**king mean it…and I’ve thought long & hard about it for longer than you know. Believe me, my mind’s always going 100 miles an hour…and it’s usually thinking about stuff like that. It’s not the same level of “Mmm, I love bacon” (though I do), it means something to me. That being said, if I’ve confessed that Love to you, I may not repeat it to you every single time that I see you. I’m going to let you see with every action I take, every decision I make, (this isn’t a creepy Sting song either…) everything that I do…is for you (not Bryan Adams either…) and more importantly, us. I’m usually not one for overly cheesy sentiment and all of that…but I mean what I say…well, when I put on the serious or sexy face. That’s another reason I let the actions do the talking…because you can say whatever you want & it doesn’t mean a thing. What you do though, that’s what’s done. Anyway, so it’s kinda right…and it’s not like I have anybody to really explain this to who would be interested anyway.

In Childhood, I appeared to be older than my years (not just because of the height) and focused on my greatest interests, achieving in subjects that were mentally stimulating. I was impatient with drill & routine, questioned authority (f**k the police), and found it necessary to respect teachers before I could learn from them. This one was right on. As a kid, I bored easily and turned to learning (and basketball) to fulfill my insatiable appetite. Like I’ve said before, I was a dinosaur geek, knew all the NBA stats I could find, was writing Batman stories when I finished my assignment in five minutes and had an hour to wait for the next lesson, and was learning Calculus in 6th grade. I wanted to learn it all. To be honest, I think junior high & high school kinda killed that thirst. I mean… how many times can you go over the same stuff in English (which will never make sense) & History classes? And we never made it past WWII. Ever. I wonder if it’s still the same…and the only history that high school graduates know past WWII is what the internet has to say about JFK, MLK & 9-11. Okay, why did the Berlin Wall come down? “Because Rocky beat Drago.” I’d still give the kid a B+ but it’s just what they’ve seen in movies. Anyway, now I’m off point again...but yeah, that’s what it means to be Green, I guess. Wanna take the quiz too? Find out what color you are? Here’s the link. And here’s the news…

Sex For Sale – What’s in a name? Everything. Sex.com, often touted as one of the most valuable Internet domain names, is due to head to the auction block next week. DOM Partners LLC, a New Jersey lender that backed a 2006 purchase of the domain name for a reported $14 million, is foreclosing on the Internet property, and is due to auction it on March 18th at New York law firm Windels Marx Lane & Mittendorf LLP, according to legal notices. Bidding for the Internet property, the tumultuous past of which includes several lawsuits and two books, is due to start at $1 million. The auctions of simple domain names are seen as rare opportunities for Internet entrepreneurs. An auction for the http://www.pizza.com/ domain name in 2008 attracted bids above $2.5 million. But if it is true that sex sells, sex.com may be the most valuable domain name in the world. (And it also explains why there was never a porn knock-off of “Fear.com”) At one point, the website was making at least $15,000 per day, according to a 2008 book, The Sex.com Chronicles (not to be confused with “The Kwyjibo Chronicles”), by attorney Charles Carreon who has represented a former owner of the site. In January 2006, Escom LLC acquired the domain name from Gary Kremen, founder of dating website Match.com and chief executive of Grant Media. Kremen registered the sex.com domain name in 1994. A press statement announcing the 2006 sale said it was "believed to be among the most significant domain sale transactions in history." Terms of that deal were not disclosed, but it has since been reported that the deal was worth about $14 million. DOM Partners' loan to Escom for the deal has been in default for over a year. "The loan was in default and DOM partners is foreclosing pursuant to its right under the security agreement," DOM's attorney Scott Matthews said. Attempts to reach Escom and sex.com for comment were not immediately successful. But Richard Maltz, an auctioneer at Maltz Auctions who is running the sale, said on Monday there was considerable interest in it. "We don't know who's serious and who's not, but prospective bidders need a $1 million certified check. It should be interesting." Maltz said his firm was arranging for potential buyers to also be able to bid online. So if you’re looking for a popular website to start your business, you savvy entrepreneurs out there, here’s your chance. It’s not too wise to go to an auction with a St. Patty’s Day hangover though…

Sex NOT for Sale - Authorities say D'Angelo was caught in New York City trying to pay $40 for sex with an undercover cop posing as a prostitute (damn sexy lady cops, you brought the handcuffs!!!). Police said Monday that the 36-year-old R&B singer was arrested early Saturday while behind the wheel of his Range Rover. D'Angelo's real name is Michael Archer (who knew? I thought only rappers used fake names). He says in a statement that he pleaded not guilty and plans to fight the charge. The statement says the singer hopes the public will "allow the American justice system to resolve the matter before jumping to any conclusions." Good luck with that. Man, who would’ve ever thought that D’Angelo would have to resort to the professionals? You would think he could just walk into any bar, club, restaurant, library, sorority house, whatever (even though he’s apparently overweight now) and just say, “Hey there, I’m D’Angelo” and start singing a few lines from “How Does It Feel?” and he’d be set. Apparently not. Well, there is one good thing about this story…and it’s that we can listen to the music, watch the video with the painted-on abs, and reminisce about better times. Good luck, Mike.

Souls for Sale - The rare spirits that went under the gavel at a recent online auction in New Zealand weren't aged brandies or hard-to-find liqueurs. Instead, two glass vials purportedly containing the ghosts of two dead people sold for $2,830 New Zealand dollars ($1,983) at an auction that ended Monday night. The "ghosts" were put up for bidding by Avie Woodbury from the southern city of Christchurch. She said they were captured in her house and stored in glass vials with stoppers and dipped in holy water, which she says "dulls the spirits' energy" (Though she didn’t appear to have an Ecto-pack nor a containment grid of any kind). She said they were the spirits of an old man who lived in the house during the 1920s, and a powerful, disruptive little girl who turned up after a session with a spirit-calling Ouija board. Since an exorcism at the property last July led to their capture, there has been no further spooky activity in the house, she said. The auction attracted more than 214,000 page views and dozens of questions before the winning bid, Trademe auction site spokesman Paul Ford said Tuesday. The name of the winning bidder was not released (Louis Cypher?). Woodbury said that once an "exorcist's fee" (to clean vomit and emotional compensation for things said about their mother) has been deducted, the proceeds of the spirit sale will go to the animal welfare group the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (Kiwi PETA?). Proof that you can buy anything online nowadays. And you never know when having an extra soul might come in handy.

A deep gravely voice calls from the shadows, “Hello $teve. Long time no see.” “Oh… hey, Satan. Yeah. Long time. Gosh, I guess it was…” “Las Vegas, several times. Most recently I believe it was your birthday.” “Oh yeah… wait, I don’t remember…” “You don’t remember a LOT of Vegas… or Amsterdam… or Bangkok… or the Sea of Tranquility…” “Wait, Sea of Tranquility? On the Moon?” “Yes, b**ch, the Moon. It’s all here in the contract (appears in a poof of smoke in his hand) with your initials and signature saturated throughout… and now it’s time for me to collect payment. You’ve lived a life of both wonderful deeds for humanity and unspeakable sins of the flesh (documented in my future memoirs) and now, your soul is mine.” “Whoa whoa, hold on there Louie.” “For the last time, call me MASTER!!!” “Sorry, Mister Louie, now if I recall the contract correctly, it says that the payment is one soul.” “I’m not sure how you could possibly remember THAT but…yes, your soul.” “Ah ah ah, it just says one soul. Page 23, paragraph two, section one. I think I put a fingerprint of lobster butter next to it for easy viewing.” Looks it over, “Huh… so it does. I can’t believe all the lawyers in Hell didn’t…anyway, fine. So are you offering to get someone else’s soul for me? Are you going to kill somebody to save yourself? That’s kinda low, $teve. Come on, you’re better than that.” “Not exactly.” The vial is revealed. “What the f**k is that?” “One soul.” “Looks like a shot of snake oil to me.” “I assure you it’s 100% genuine. I bought it on eBay.” “Oh well in that case…” He takes the vial, looks it over. “Hmm, it is unusual.” He opens it up…and out comes the soul of an old man. “Holy crap. It really is a soul…but it’s of an old dude…who was a douche when he was alive. No dice. I’ve got all the lawyers in Hell at my disposal, I want at least a soul of equal or greater value.” “Sigh… you disappoint me Satan. I thought you were a man of your word.” “Why the f**k would you think that? I am the epitome of Evil. This shouldn’t even be a surprise to a sperm. Everybody knows this. The contract’s merely a formality so that I have a hard copy of our transaction. You know, in case I get audited.” “Look, I’m not the kind of guy to back out of an agreement, you know this. I’m just going with what the deal was. One soul.” “That’s like giving me a beaten down Fiat instead of a Ferrari and telling me it’s fair, $teve.” “Fine. I like you, Satan. You’re a hustler…and I respect that. How about this? Does it get a little cold & lonely down there in Hell?” “Well, not cold… but what’s your point?” “Have you been trying to find that special someone that completes you? Someone to keep it hot between the sheets, if you know what I’m saying?” “Not really. There’s a LOT of sluts.” “Ah, but is there…somebody special?” “Well… no.” “What if I were to tell you…that I might have the answer? (2nd vial) Now, she’s a little feisty…but I’m told she’s a real independent thinker & a thoroughbred. And I’ll throw her into the deal BUT… you gotta do something else for me.” “What’s that?” “Let’s just keep it as a future favor for right now… deal?” And THAT’S how you settle out of court with the Devil.

Little Ditty About Jack & Diane – Okay, so for a loooong time now, I’ve been mentioning this movie “Jack & Diane” that I was a little worried was never going to be made. Oh you don’t remember it? How about Ellen Page & the other chick from Juno as lesbian werewolves in New York? Yeah, I know. The title’s deceiving and I was concerned that it ended up being one of the other movies they did together like the roller derby one…but apparently not. Apparently they just replaced one “Juno” with another. Juno Temple ("Year One" & "Wild Child") has joined Bradley Rust Gray's indie lycan lesbian drama "Jack & Diane" replacing Ellen Page (awwww…) says Bloody Disgusting. The story follows two teenage girls in New York City - the charmingly innocent Diane (Temple) whose affection manages to pierce the heart of the tough and closed off Jack (Olivia Thirlby). About to leave the country, Diane struggles to keep their love alive but hides the fact her newly awakened sexual desire has given her werewolf-like visions. Oh yeah…a werewolf lesbian drama. What could possibly suck about it? Oh yeah, everything. Filming kicks off this May in New York. Temple replaces previously attached stars Ellen Page (“Juno”) and later Allison Pill, who you may recognize from “Milk” and “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” which starred a barely legal Megan Fox and…

Lindsay Update – Yes, former friend of the blog and now long-time stranger Lindsay Lohan is back in the news. Why? She is feuding with the E-Trade babies. Oh yes. And you know why. You saw the commercial. The actress has filed a $100 million lawsuit claiming a television ad for the Wall Street firm that aired during the Super Bowl and Olympics was modeled after her (wait, before you jump to conclusions, please let her explain). Talking babies in the ad engage in chatter that refers to "milkaholic Lindsay." The 23-year-old actress has famously sought substance abuse treatment. Lohan's name was never mentioned…but her New York lawyer contends that "Lindsay" is an equally recognizable moniker for her client — like that of Oprah or Madonna. (Really? Did you just compare Lindsay to Oprah? Really?) Lohan's legal team is seeking an injunction to stop future airings. An E-Trade spokeswoman is declining to comment. Either because she can’t stop laughing or she’s going to consult with E-Trade first (“Sh*t, she caught us. She’s coherent again”). Okay, so remember my little jabs at lawyers from earlier…you know in the whole bargaining with the Devil thing…this is why. Nine-digits in a lawsuit…and based on the assumption that the name Lindsay (spelling not even confirmed, could have been “milkaholic Lindsey”) is a brand that can refer to nothing else other than an out-of-work actress by the name of Lindsay Lohan. That’s ballsy. Besides, we all know an alcoholic Lindsay (some of us know several) and most of the time she didn’t star in a sh*tty remake of Herbie the Love Bug. I want E-Trade to keep airing the commercials…but maybe replace “milkaholic Lindsay” with “narcissistic Lindsay” and you’ll get the same effect. Cheese & rice, just because somebody mentions implied alcoholism, cocaine addiction, carpet matching the drapes, has-beens, child star clich├ęs, or anything of that sort…doesn’t mean they’re talking about you, Lindsay a.k.a. Dani Bonaduce. Good luck with your lawsuit. Maybe you’ll get some of your money back from Wall Street this way. Wait, maybe that’s the reason behind it. Maybe that’s her own personal bailout plan. If so, no more sarcasm, good luck with your lawsuit. But just remember, like $teve, Lindsay is not a name (or obviously a brand)…but a state of mind.

“Well, the hour is up. I think we’ve made a lot of progress this session. We dove deep into your personality (all of them?), discussed your paranoia & narcissism that the Devil is after your soul & Wall Street trying to cash in on your good name, even enjoyed a little smooth R&B while discussing prostitution & lesbian werewolves. Usually it takes a few sessions for a patient to open up like this…but I feel like I interrupted you divulging this information with my secretary while in the waiting room. You’re an intriguing subject, $teve.” Thanks doc. I guess I’d better be heading home then. Have a great day everybody!!!

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