Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Ek Hou Van Jou

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The snow is back. Last night, I had a few firsts here in Truckee. First, the police were at my apartment complex…and that sadly made me a little homesick of Rose Park…but for like a second because then I had to wonder if they’d found out about mail-order bride. Secondly, I got to experience my first thunderstorm (though rather brief) here. It was awesome. The wind was whipping through in gusts, giant globs of rain were flying sideways like shot out of a fire hose, the rumbling didn’t last a long time…but it was intense when it did. Awesome. Then I remembered that I had told my roommate that I would pick him up at the airport at 11 PM…because too, am awesome. The drive there wasn’t too bad. Sure the rain was torrential…but it was still rain and that’s what’s important. Any moment it could’ve turned into black ice…then it’s too bad. Worse than the rain though was the wind. Driving through that canyon, there were probably 100 MPH gusts easy through there…and you may not be aware of this…but Jeeps aren’t the most aerodynamic creatures in the animal kingdom. Gretchen was a champion as always though…and I did make sure that my insurance payments were up to date. My roommate was grateful for the ride (as well he should be) and we made it home safely. Then it turned to snow by morning…and it’s been going steadily ever since. I’m guessing the weather was different in Florida this past week. Oh well. It’s good for the industry up here…which means it’s good for all of us. Let it snow that white gold.

Today at lunch, I sat down next to two coworkers in the cafeteria…and after a few seconds, I realized that…I think they were speaking German. See, they were in a conversation, so I just kept to my chicken cordon bleu & broccoli soup and…yeah, I kinda eavesdropped. See, for those who don’t remember, I took German in high school. Why? F**k you, that’s why. Basically in the decade since, I haven’t had many opportunities to use it…so I’m a little rusty. I was really just trying to see if I could understand real German…being spoken by real Germans. There’s not a Telemundo for German. So anyway, I was picking up a few words I thought…but I was awfully disappointed in myself…so I figured that I’d just plunge in and introduce myself…and ask them if they were from Germany or Austria or what. “Oh no, Dutch sounds a lot like German.” “Oh sorry, I was trying not to eavesdrop but…I was a little.” “It’s okay, I would’ve done the same thing.” “So you’re from the Netherlands then…or?” Trying to include the cute girl into the conversation…but she was on the other side of the dude. The guy answered, “No, we’re from South Africa…but the language there is Afrikaans, which is similar.” “Africanese? Did you just make that up to mess with me? (luckily we both laughed a little) I’ve never heard of that before. I had no idea. Well, how are you two liking the weather here in Tahoe?” So we chatted for a bit…but yeah, Afrikaans (not Africanese) is a real language, derived from Dutch settlers in the 17th century (yes, the slave traders) and is the official language of South Africa, who will be hosting the World Cup this year. Now we both know. In fact, I’m gonna share with you a few Afrikaans phrases…that maybe I might butcher in trying to get to know these two coworkers (especially the sexy female one):

“Hallo! Hoe gaan dit?” – Hello, how’s it going?
“Baie good, dankie” – Very well, thank you
“Wat is jou naam?” – What is your name? (der…)
“Ek hou van jou” – I love you (oh yeah…)
I’ll let you know when I’m able to effectively translate pickup lines…

Let’s see. In other news, remember BW? From my Going Away Party? Chatted with her for the first time in a while. Apparently she & her mom may be coming to visit the area in May, so if I’m in town, we may have to go get sh*t-faced together…and let her mom drive us…just like at the party. Okay, so I’d be the designated driver (since I’m the only one driving Gretchen) but either way, it’d be a great time. She deserves a vacation. She’s been through a lot these past four years (my first infamous celebrity that I personally knew…and it all happened on my 25th birthday). So yeah, we’ll see if that happens. Either way, we’ll probably meet up in Utah when I visit there. Other than that, not much going on personally. My mom’s getting ready for her journey to Asia. I’m getting ready for my road trip. So without further ado, here’s the news…

Bank Robbing Update – This story is great. Actor Rip Torn (“Men in Black” & “Dodgeball”) pleaded not guilty Tuesday to burglary and firearms charges stemming from his January arrest inside a Connecticut bank after hours (what?). State police have said the 79-year-old Emmy award winner was so intoxicated on the night of January 29th (“How drunk was he?”) that he broke into the Litchfield Bancorp branch with a loaded gun, thinking it was his home in Salisbury in northwestern Connecticut. Torn is charged with criminal trespass, carrying a gun without a permit, carrying a gun while intoxicated, burglary and criminal mischief. Superior Court Judge James P. Ginocchio allowed him to remain free on $100,000 bond, under the condition that he stay away from alcohol (and probably banks while brandishing unlicensed firearms). Torn said he was more than happy to comply. Torn's attorney, A. Thomas Waterfall, said the actor, who is currently appearing in the movie "Happy Tears," has moved from an inpatient to an outpatient rehabilitation program. "Today we established with the court the excellent strides that Rip has made through his treatment," he said. Torn received probation last year in a Connecticut DUI case and also had alcohol-related arrests in New York in the past. He told reporters that he had been through rehabilitation before, and had been sober for some time before the night he was arrested. "I've never missed a day's work in my life," he said. He is due back in court on April 27. Waterfall declined to say if Torn is currently working (so as not to spoil the surprise of the “Men in Black” sequel). Sigh… Okay, here’s an experiment…and please remember that bail was $100,000. Get wasted, I’m talking world’s spinning in a fishbowl wasted, break into your local bank, with an unlicensed firearm…and see if the cops react with the same level of courtesy…or if they just open fire after screaming out “He’s coming right for us!!!” Go ahead. I’ll wait. Here’s the thing, what if he was really trying to rob the bank? I mean…let’s say, you’re robbing a bank…and you f**k up…and the cops pounce on you so fast you’re trying to figure out who squealed…but then realize it’s an operation of one. What do you do? Step one, stagger like a drunken idiot. Throw in some sayings that don’t make a whole lot of sense in any context. “The cats!!! They’re brown!!!” Step two, keep the firearm. It’ll look too suspicious if you just leave the gun in the bank after claiming to be supremely intoxicated. Why would you bring a gun to a bank that you broke into…if you were drunk…and claiming it was your home? If it’s still in your hand, there’s always the insanity plea. Important sidenote, don’t point it in the general direction of anybody. Probably best just to slouch and keep the gun as low to the ground as possible…yet still in your hand. Draw some pictures in the grass. Again, it’ll help with your plea. Step three, continue to make ridiculous and illogical comments like “I thought this was my house. I was wondering why my vault was so small.” It’ll throw the cops off your trail…and give you ample time to consult with your lawyer…and anything you say CAN be used against you…but again, will probably only be admissible for a plea deal. Step four, don’t take a breathalyzer. If you have to, picture your grandparents having kinky sex in the middle of an unsanitary slaughterhouse, then vomit all over the arresting officer. If they find out that you’re not drunk, the jig is up…and not in the sexual way. Or…you could also be a pro about it…and do it this way in the first place…

Bank Robbing Done Right - Robbers tunneled their way into the vault of a Parisian bank over the weekend and cracked almost 200 private safes, police said. The gangsters tied up the security guard at a Credit Lyonnais branch on Paris's Avenue de l'Opera on Saturday night, before digging through a series of cellars to reach the vault, police said late on Monday. They spent several hours opening the safes and set the place on fire as they left to destroy any evidence. The value of the stolen goods is still being estimated. French media were quick to compare the case to the "Spaggiari Affair," a heist masterminded by Albert Spaggiari more than 30 years ago in Nice. Spaggiari's gang dug into the vault of a Societe Generale branch, spent two days and two nights there and made away with booty worth some 24 million euros ($32.42 million). Now THAT’S how you rob a f**king bank. Subdue the guard, make a back door, take it to where the REAL money’s at, maybe throw out a few French one-liners, take your sweet ass time to find all the best stuff, don’t worry, banks are closed on Sundays, maybe even copycat a fellow thief who’s been out of the game for a while, then skip away with eight digits to spread amongst your team. Am I forgetting something? Oh yes, torch the place afterwards…so the cops have to devote more time to containment of the fire, finding out exactly what was lost, destroying traces of your presence, and you hope on your boat in the French Riviera and make your way to Morocco. Rip, I hope you’re taking f**king notes for next time.

Google Earth: Peepin’ It Real - A Florida Panhandle deputy was able to track down and arrest a man on charges of illegally dumping a boat near his home with a surprising tool: satellite pictures provided by Google Earth. Deputy Gregory Barnes used the images after finding an 18-foot boat dumped in an undeveloped subdivision about 15 miles north of Pensacola. Google Earth shows archived satellite and aerial images of communities across the world. Barnes used it to look at the surrounding area and saw a fuzzy image of the vessel at Dwight Everett Foster's home. Authorities say Foster admitted dumping the boat and his son later removed it. Police say it cost $18 to dispose of the boat at a landfill. Foster faces a $5,000 fine and up to five years in prison. Okay, so let’s forget about this whole crime thing real quick and get to the point of the matter. The cops used Google Earth…to find him. Why hasn’t this been done before? Could you imagine if brought up Google Earth at the O.J. Trial? “Your honor, as you see, when we compare these images outside of the Brown home…to similar images taken from the Goodyear Blimp during the Rose Bowl, you can see the similarities of the overhead angle of Mister Simpson. We’re still not sure why he was wearing the helmet during the attack.” “Come on coach, I had to get my Game Face on.” “Mister Simpson, please sit down.” All this time I thought that Google Earth was just a way to spy on sexy sunbathers on South Beach from my apartment in Utah…but then I discovered that there’s porn on the internet. Now there’s a real application for it. Security camera didn’t catch anything? Witness testimony is sketchy at best? Let’s Google that sh*t!!! While we’re at it, let’s see if Kim Kardashian’s working on her tan again.

Wrong Turn – Do you hate it when Mapquest or your GPS gives you horrible directions? Well, it can be frustrating…but it’s probably still better than your natural sense of direction. For example, police say a motorist fleeing officers in Cleveland abandoned his car and jumped a fence — landing in what turned out to be a prison yard. Garfield Heights police say the chase started in that suburb early Monday over a traffic violation and reached speeds of 90 mph. Police say that after a race through several communities, the driver and a passenger bolted from the car and headed for a fence. They apparently did not realize it was on the outside the state women's prison in Cleveland. Based on what I’ve seen on TV, my response would be “JACKPOT!!!” Then again, I’ve only seen a few of those late night Showtime movies over the years. The two were arrested along with two other passengers who also tried to flee…but apparently went in a slightly better direction. That’s really all there is to this story. It always interests me as to why they would try to get away if it was just a traffic violation like a speeding ticket or something. I wouldn’t be surprised if further inspection of the vehicle revealed something…or there was some powder substance gently sprinkled in the grassy areas as they ran away. Anyway, I’m sure the helicopter video will be on Spike or Tru TV soon enough.

Idle Hands – Then again, maybe they were just bored and wanted to see if they could get away with it. A man who has been charged with making a naked dash through a Tennessee supermarket told police he was "bored and didn't have anything else to do." Yes, that was a quote…and no, I did not say it. The Kingsport Times-News reports that a man entered an IGA store Friday night, wearing nothing but a face mask (not even shoes), and ran around the aisles. A police report says officers found the suspect in the bathroom of a nearby Hardee's restaurant. Employees say he entered the fast food outlet wearing nothing but an orange hooded sweat shirt (so the top half was covered) and asked if anyone could lend him clothes. An employee gave him a pair of athletic shorts (hopefully a spare pair, otherwise that would just be awkward to go back to work). Kingsport police arrested 22-year-old Daniel R. Lee of Church Hill and have charged him with indecent exposure. I can’t wait until they do the lineup. “Ma’am, can you identify the man that you saw at the supermarket?” “Well, it wasn’t Number Two. He’s too chubby. Sorry, it all happened so fast…and my eyes aren’t what they used to be.” “It’s okay ma’am, take your time.” “He was average size…so Number One’s Vienna sausage and Number Five’s kielbasa can go. Oh my, did you line them up in order of…? Maybe I should take a closer look at Number Five again…” “Thank you gentlemen, that’ll be enough.” See what happens when people get bored? They start making mad dashes through a supermarket wearing nothing but a smile. I don’t know, sometimes I think that I was meant to be in Tennessee. I’ve been there a few times…and love Memphis…but they just seem to be my kind of people. Jazz, sexy accents, beautiful scenery, laid back attitudes, good eats from barbecue to Jack Daniels, I get the Dukes of Hazzard, and most importantly, southern girls love me (and let’s not forget, Megan Fox is from Tennessee). Who knows? Maybe my journey doesn’t end in Utah… or California… or even in the States… but one thing’s for sure. No matter where that destination might be… they’ll have no problem picking me out of a lineup after a Supermarket Spree. Hell, I’ll probably have my phone number written in marker across my abs.

ID4 Sequels - Will Smith (aka The Fresh Prince) is rumored to have signed a deal with 20th Century Fox to star in two "Independence Day" sequels says IESB.Net. Roland Emmerich, who helmed the original films (as well as “The Day After Tomorrow” & “2012”), said in the past Fox wasn't willing to move forward with any ID4 sequel due mainly to Will Smith's costly $20 million plus first dollar gross salary. Now the site claims that Smith is locked for two sequels to be shot back-to-back with filming to kick off as early as late next year. Emmerich is currently set to direct the William Shakespeare thriller "Anonymous" while Smith is currently deciding between "The City That Sailed" or "Men in Black 3" (See? Rip really was trying to keep it a secret. I wasn’t just making that up) as his next project. Any 'Independence' sequel would not happen until after both of those projects. The site is still awaiting confirmation from Fox and other sources. Also, just to elaborate so that you don’t scurry to find a work of Shakespeare’s entitled “Anonymous” let me explain. The movie that Roland Emmerich is directing isn’t a work of Shakespeare (though I’d picture his take of “Hamlet” as something out of “Last Action Hero”) but rather a political thriller about who actually wrote the plays of Shakespeare (Edward de Vere, the Earl of Oxford) and is a period piece set against the era of Elizabeth I and the Essex Rebellion…so yes, there will probably still be explosions. What was my point? Oh yeah, so keep an eye out for… “Independence Weekend” or “Welcome to Earth” or whatever it’ll be called…if it happens.

So yeah, that’ll probably do it for today. The snow’s still coming down…but again, it’s a good thing. Everybody just play safe out there, stay warm & get over those nasty colds that ruined your weekend. If you get bored, or just need to hear a reassuring voice, you know the digits. Holla!!! Have a great night everybody!!!

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