Mostly Sunny & Snowing

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It's actually completely sunny outside right now...yet snowing. It's quite funny. You see the snow hit the ground...and then immediately disappear, like not even a little water residue. I've been trying to take a decent picture of it but to no avail. Anyway, hella busy day at work today…but hey, that’s what happens when you spend half of your day in managerial training and then the other half catching up on a full day of work…plus learning new duties to help out the team. That’s what I like about the job though, it allows me to grow & learn new things and have new opportunities (except my paycheck stays the same…for now). Other than that, not a whole lot going on. My first softball game is on Wednesday. There’s a chance of yet more snow over the next week. I’ve been a little ill the past few days, basically just a runny nose…but I’m over it now. I think my mom’s on her way back from Alaska…but because she has no idea what a cell phone is for, there’s really no way to find out. K-Fish may be visiting this week…but same thing with the cell phones. I hope she’s not expecting a timely ride from the airport if she’s not going to tell me when it is. Sigh… women. Am I right? No? Okay, maybe not. So yeah, since there’s really not a lot of news concerning me…here’s some about the rest of the world…

Laser Reaper - Death need not be a grim affair, especially for the living, and at a new columbarium in Singapore, the deceased can depart, rock concert style (No, not drug overdose, stage dive malfunction, or being burned alive at a Great White concert...and RIP Dio). Unlike most traditional Buddhist funeral ceremonies that follow cremation, there is no incense and no monks offering prayers at the Nirvana Memorial Garden columbarium, where the urns holding the remains of the dead are stored. You read right. The Nirvana…Memorial Garden. That’s just coincidence though. Instead, curtains draw automatically to reveal the deceased's urn which is placed atop a pedestal, machine-generated smoke fills the prayer hall and a booming recorded voice, accompanied by chants, speaks words of comfort and talks about death. (I was hoping for “Are you READY TO ROOOOOCK???”) The columbarium boasts a $2 million sound and light system. Its resident Buddha statue pulsate gently with LED lights and, as a final touch, a ray of bright white light shines on the urn of the deceased symbolizing the ascent to heaven. "This is just 60 percent of what we can offer," said Jessie Ong, who works for Nirvana Memorial, the company that runs the columbarium. "We are still fine tuning the laser lights." Most columbariums are dark, eerie places, with floors littered with incense ash and urns piled high to the ceiling in tiny pigeonholes, each adorned with a picture of the deceased. But in Nirvana Memorial, luxury and space are aplenty. "This is not a place for people to come only once a year to visit their parents or relatives, we want to create an environment to encourage them to come as often as possible," Jeff Kong, director of Nirvana Memorial Singapore, told Reuters. The so-called "six star" columbarium is Singapore's first luxury final resting place and the brainchild of Malaysian-based NV Multi Corp which has other similar projects in Southeast Asia. Buddhism is the most followed religion in Singapore, with over 40% of the population declaring themselves believers, according to the latest census. Most of these practice a form of the religion that incorporates elements of Taoism and traditional Chinese faiths. The 11,200 square meter (120,600 sq ft) columbarium is fully air-conditioned and carpeted, with a skylit lobby and an indoor car park. After it is fully opened in 2011, the $22 million facility will host up to 50,000 niches for urns spread across 11 suites designed with feng shui elements in mind. Each of the suites also feature lounges furnished with sofas and rosewood furniture for families to rest when they visit. To access the niches, families are given electronic keycards. The company plans to open a restaurant in the columbarium as well as set up a system to send electronic reminders to families to pay their respects to their relatives on death anniversaries and birthdays (Grieve-mail?). The price of such luxury, however, does not come cheap. Compared to a state-run facility which costs close to $360 for a single niche, prices here start at $22,000 for a double niche in the Royal Suite and $93,000 for a cubicle that stores up to 32 urns in the Family Suite. There are also "economy" class niches that range from $2,200, and the facility accepts payment in installments. Madam Goh, a woman in her 60s who only gave her family name, bought a niche for herself at the facility and said the investment was worth it. "This place is clean, comfortable and much less eerie than the traditional columbariums," she said. Yes, because the last thing you want in a place where the charred remains of your ancestors are…is an eerie feeling. Wow, $22,000 for a niche. Oh…and a b**chin’ stage show complete with fog lights, lasers & a eulogy from the Buddhist equivalent of Alice Cooper. I assume that’s included too. I like the thought. You know, basically being a fancy hotel for ashes and all…complete with restaurant, lounge area…and probably a full-service spa since it is Singapore…but it’s just a little out of my price range. The Family Suite seems like it would be a great bargain though.

Panda Update – Speaking of things dying in Asia, China plans to build a center where giant pandas born in captivity will be trained to survive in the wild, state media reported Thursday. The $8.8 million (60 million yuan) center will be located in Sichuan province's Dujiangyan city, according to Zhang Zhihe, the head of the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding. The facility is expected to house three to five giant pandas when it is completed within five years. The center will include 21.5 acres of an experimental zone, along with 2,800 acres of woodlands, Zhang said. Groundbreaking for the new center starts at the end of the month, Xinhua said. Giant pandas are among the world's most endangered species (because they apparently won’t have sex). Some 1,600 pandas live in the wild, while more than 300 pandas are raised in captivity in China. Zookeepers hope to slowly train pandas to reduce their dependency on humans. In the initial five to 10 years, they will still live in cages in the experimental zone. After that, pandas that adapt well will switch over to living in caves and be trained to forage for food, but they will still receive frequent checkups and participate in artificial breeding (bow chicka bow wow). From there, they will transition to living in a largely "natural" zone with little human contact, before being released into the nearby large natural reserve, Zhang said. The entire process would require a minimum of 15 years, he said. China had started a giant panda training project in 2003 to teach the animals to live in the wild, but that project suffered a big setback. Xiang Xiang, a male panda who had been trained for three years, was found dead in a remote part of the Wolong Nature Reserve in 2007, a year after he had been released into the wild. Why? He was never taught Wuxia, the martial arts!!! Seriously, do I have to do everything myself when it comes to saving pandas? I already gave the world Panda Porn five years ago. I taught them how to f**k, now I have to teach them to fight too. I’m guessing Judo would probably be the best technique given their short legs and…we’ll say “dense” figures. Get the opponent to the ground, then go for the jugular. No mercy. Apparently it’s up to me to turn these super-sized plush toys into rockin’, sockin’, f**kin’ animals that are going to last into the 22nd century. Well China, I need moving expenses, a steady paycheck, a place to live & a few lovely assistants. Send me an email when you’re ready to receive me.

Green Card 2 - Prosecutors say the marriage of a couple at Fairy Tale Weddings in North Dakota was a fairy tale fraud. Federal court documents released Wednesday say 23-year-old Jeffrey Goble agreed to marry 28-year-old Alma Numic for $15,000 so the Bosnian woman could obtain U.S. citizenship in 2008. Goble is now charged with marriage fraud (that’s seriously a charge?). He could face up to five years in prison and a $250,000 fine if convicted (I guess so). A message left for his public defender wasn't returned. Numic has since moved to Bosnia (that b**ch!). Court documents say the pair met through Goble's co-worker but parted ways after the wedding. Fairy Tale Weddings didn't return messages. The Grand Forks wedding business’ website encourages couples to "Let your imagination create your wedding day." Okay, so…why am I mentioning this? Sheer surprise. I had no idea that there was such a thing as Marriage Fraud. Seriously. I know there’s the whole movie comedy thing like “Green Card” and “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry” where there’s apparently some government body that checks to make sure you guys are really in love or whatever…but seriously, I’ve known many a marriage that could be considered fraud & there’s no jail sentence (unless you count spousal support…which I do). Look, a respect the sanctity of marriage. I really do. I may sound cynical about it…but hey, I’m single. Always have been. That being said, there was one time that I briefly considered doing something like this. It’s true. $teve almost got married to help out a friend who faced deportation when her student visa expired. Then again, it was an extremely cute Italian girl so…win-win, baby. Anyway, she chickened out (and I think her boyfriend wasn’t fond of the idea) so it never happened…and I think they’re in Ireland now. Now, if a cute 28-year-old Bosnian girl was facing deportation…and needed a superhero to step in and save the day…and grant her the American Dream, would I do it? Reno’s only 30 minutes away and there’s a variety of chapels for me to choose from. Of course for legal purposes as well as protecting the sanctity of marriage, I have to say that you should only marry for Love and you should have a strong, healthy relationship with your partner before getting married…but I’m also a huge fan of legal loopholes, speed dating & drive-thru weddings ministered by the King. Besides, my brother’s marriage was a f**king joke from the beginning…and there was no investigation into whether it was so that some heartless c**t could sap my brother & mother dry. I guess the main thing was that they agreed on the money exchange beforehand or something…as opposed to in a court of law at the divorce. Love the legal system. So if any of you Brazilian girls out there are looking for a free pass to dual citizenship… call me.

Milla Update - British actress Juno Temple (“Year One”) is in negotiations to play the royal highness in Paul W.S. Anderson's upcoming 3D version of "The Three Musketeers" for Summit Entertainment says The Hollywood Reporter. Yes, another 3 Musketeers reboot. There’s only been like a thousand of those. The actress joins Logan Lerman, Ray Stevenson (“Beowulf”), Luke Evans, Matthew Macfayden, Christoph Waltz (“Inglorious Basterds”), Mads Mikkelsen and last but certainly not least, my baby mama Milla Jovovich who also star in the film. Shooting kicks off in August. It could be a pretty good movie. The cast seems solid…and it’s the timeless tale of Alexander Dumas (IN F**KING 3D!!!). Best of luck to you Paul W.S. Anderson (who is…in actuality, Milla’s baby daddy).

Dangers of Viagra - Tokio Hotel guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper on Friday he fell ill after taking too many Viagra tablets and could not see straight for days (and walked with a limp). Kaulitz, 20, told Bild newspaper that someone offered him a Viagra tablet during a concert tour of Asia. After first turning down the offer, Kaulitz said he decided to try one. He said a little later he took a second one and fell ill. "I first asked the seller 'Do I look like someone who needs help with that?'" said Kaulitz, whose brother Bill is the group's lead singer. "He said 'no' -- but that I should nevertheless try it out. I popped one in." Kaulitz, a member of the German rock band that has sold millions of albums around the world, said he took a few more tablets used to treat impotence when he got back to his hotel. "I popped a few more pills, probably too many. The next morning my head was pounding and everything in front of my eyes was blurry. It wasn't fun anymore. It was pretty bad." Kaulitz said it took two days for the effects to wear off. "Unfortunately there were situations where it just wasn't appropriate." Is this what rock has been reduced to? Guitarists OD’ing on impotency pills? Also, of all the pills to be handed out on an Asian rock tour – Viagra? Not some mystical sh*t from Bangladesh or some glowing orange pills out of the Golden Triangle…but a tiny blue diamond that some kid probably stole from his dad? However, there are other side effects to Viagra other than blurred vision, raging erections & public ridicule.

Viagra & Hearing Loss - Men who take Viagra could be at an increased risk for long-term hearing loss, a new study suggests. The results show that, among 11,525 men over age 40, those who took Viagra or other drugs that act in a similar manner, called phosphodiesterase type 5 inhibitors (PDE-5i), were twice as likely to also report hearing loss as were men who had not used the drugs. The findings suggest that the current government warning regarding hearing loss and the use of PDE-5i medications, which include Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, is warranted, said study researcher Gerald McGwin, a professor of epidemiology in the University of Alabama at Birmingham School of Public Health. In 2007, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced labeling changes for PDE-5i medications so that the risk of hearing problems was more prominently displayed. This action was taken after several case studies that linked PDE-5i use and sudden hearing loss were reported. The current work is the first epidemiologic study to evaluate the relationship between PDE-5i drugs and long-term hearing loss. Epidemiology is the study of the distributions of diseases or health problems in populations along with the factors that might affect those problems. However, the study only shows an association, and not a direct cause-effect link, and more research is needed to back up the findings. The work also has several shortcomings, including the fact that those who took these drugs could have pre-existing conditions that might also contribute to hearing loss. Also, older individuals, whom the study is based on, are already at risk for hearing loss. "Though there are limitations to this study, it is prudent that patients using these medications be warned about the signs and symptoms of hearing impairment and be encouraged to seek immediate medical attention to potentially forestall permanent damage," McGwin said. The results are published in the May 18 issue of the journal Archives of Otolaryngology-Head and Neck Surgery. The relationship was strongest for men reporting use of sildenafil (generic form of Viagra) over those who used tadalafil (Cialis) or vardenafil (Levitra), a finding McGwin attributes in part to a small sample size for both of the latter drugs. McGwin said the findings indicated an elevated but not statistically significant increase in hearing loss for users of tadalafil and vardenafil. PDE-5i drugs were originally designed to treat pulmonary hypertension and are now used extensively in the treatment of erectile dysfunction (ED). McGwin said it is important to consider whether there really could be a plausible biological mechanisms for how these drugs might cause hearing loss. "PDE-5i medications work in ED patients by their ability to increase blood flow to certain tissues in the body. It has been hypothesized that they may have a similar effect on similar tissues in the ear, where an increase of blood flow could potentially cause damage leading to hearing loss." The FDA originally decided to feature warnings about hearing loss on labels for PDE-5i drugs after 29 cases of the problem were reported between 1996 and 2007. The hearing loss was reported to occur within hours to days of taking the drugs. The FDA urges those who experience hearing problems while on the drugs to stop taking the medications and call their doctor. See, I knew about this years ago…because that’s exactly right. The increase in blood flow can cause damage to the fragile ear tissues. Also, another reason for the hearing loss could be that they’re just old dudes…who like rock music at high volumes…but my favorite explanation – The joyous screams of their boisterous lovers. Having never taken or studied Viagra, I can’t begin to make a scientific correlation…but I’m pretty sure that’s what happened to my hearing.

Fox Update – Speaking of hotties & screaming, in a surprisingly sudden axing, Megan Fox will not return to star in "Transformers 3," which began shooting this week in Los Angeles. The actress last year likened franchise director Michael Bay to Hitler and Napoleon, and said he was "a nightmare to work for." (Yeah, my boss would've fired my ass too) Still, it is unusual to eliminate an actor or actress so closely associated with the movie, not to mention a key character in the movie, just as it begins production. The move is also unusual since word around Hollywood talent agencies was that Bay and writer Ehren Kruger were planning on creating a female nemesis for Fox (mmm... catfight). Bay and company now plan to take the story "in another direction," according to insiders, and will cast a new love interest. The third installment of the popcorn blockbuster had been amassing a higher level of actors, with John Malkovich, Frances McDormand and Patrick Dempsey being new additions. Fox returns to theaters next month in "Jonah Hex." Her non-involvement in "Transformers 3" was first reported by Deadline.com. There were rumors of her being sacked, but Fox's publicist released a statement saying "Megan Fox will not be starring in 'Transformers 3'. It was her decision not to return. She wishes the franchise the best." Deadline added to the story saying the decision was ultimately up to director Michael Bay and that Ehren Kruger's script gives Shia's character "a new love interest [which] makes more sense for the story." Really? That's what you were worried about? Making a movie that made sense? Did you see the 2nd one? Seriously, they teleported all over the world. In fact, I remember one scene in particular where they were in the Air & Space Museum in Washington DC, walked through a hole in the wall, and were magically teleported to a field of abandoned aircraft that, I believe, is located in the Arizona desert. In the few hours since then however several potential replacement names have already emerged with actress Gemma Arterton ("Prince of Persia", "Clash of the Titans" & "Quantum of Solace") said to be the leading candidate according to The Wrap. Also in the running are Brooklyn Decker (Andy Roddick's girlfriend), Bar Rafaeli (DiCaprio's girlfriend) and Aussie supermodel Miranda Kerr (Orlando Bloom's partner) with the latter two having apparently already read for the role. Filming kicks off this month. Sigh... good. Now I don't have to give a sh*t about Transformers movies anymore. Seriously, I don't even think Dinobots could peak my interest now. After how horrible the sequel was...and now not even a few obviously constructed scenes to show off Megan Fox in jean undies, spray-on tans and/or running around with her mouth open and chesticles flailing? Yup, done. Best of luck, Michael Bay. I hope Megan wins an Academy Award now. Then again... I do fancy Gemma Arterton... Damn it, I'm so torn. Oh wait, no I'm not. The Fox always wins.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I'm gonna go stand in the solar snow outside for a bit...then maybe cook up some delicious dinner. I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend full of magnificent adventures. Keep me posted on them okay? Have a great weekend!!!

$teve: The Next Brad Pitt

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The snow is still coming down. Basically had to dig Gretchen out of the garage…and my roommate’s truck is basically tucked away in the snow…and we may be able to unearth it with some steady digging…but we’re not going to even try until the parking lot is plowed. There’s about two feet of Sierra Cement all around…so there’s nowhere to put the snow out of the way until then. Sigh… Snow is beautiful…until you’re driving tires deep on top of ice in it. Gretchen’s a champ though. Other than that, not a whole lot going on. My dad & brother went shooting yesterday…and got to witness the fire tornado firsthand on the drive back to civilization. They allegedly have pictures but have yet to forward them to me. I’ll keep you posted. My mom & stepdad are excited for their Asian cruise. Plans are falling in place for my road trip. Zombie Jesus Day is nigh. I’d think about making a traditional Love Family Easter Brunch of corned beef hash, deviled eggs, and assorted chocolates & high fructose corn syrup…or as I like to call it, Carbs & Cholesterol…but I’m pretty sure that my roommate wouldn’t eat any of it…and I probably really shouldn’t, definitely not for a week or so as I would be forced to. I mean…you can’t let that stuff go to waste, right?

Last night, amid the falling snow, I watched the film “Extract” starring Jason Bateman, Mila Kunis, Ben Affleck, Kristin Wiig, J.K. Simmons, Gene Simmons, and overall a pretty good ensemble cast. It’s the latest movie from writer / director Mike Judge who has made such timeless classics as “Office Space”, “Idiocracy” & “Beavis & Butthead Do America” over the years, so it was more of his funny view of everyday life. It’s the story of a man (Bateman) who owns & operates a food extract factory while he deals with a possible sale of the company, lawsuit, & a major case of blue balls thanks to the sexless marriage with his wife (Wiig). Well, his bartender buddy (Affleck) convinces him, while under the influence of horse tranquilizers, to hire a gigolo to seduce his wife, so that he can have a guilt-free rendezvous with a superhot employee (Kunis) who has been showing all the signs. Okay, so that’s a pretty horrible description of the plot…but hey, if you like other Mike Judge movies, this one’s pretty good too. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a timeless classic like the others…but it’s still worth a shot. So now I will continue with the news…

Superman Update – Okay, this is just getting ridiculous now. A few weeks ago, I told you about the bidding war between the most expensive comic purchase in history between Superman & Batman, and Superman just took the lead again in a big way. A copy of the 1938 edition of Action Comics No. 1 sold Monday for $1.5 million on the auction Web site ComicConnect.com. The issue, which features Superman's debut and originally sold for 10 cents, is widely considered the Holy Grail of comic books. The same issue sold in February for $1 million, though that copy wasn't in as good condition as the issue that sold Monday. That number was bested just days later when a 1939 comic book featuring Batman's debut sold for $75,000 more at an auction in Dallas. There are about 100 copies of Action Comics No. 1 believed to be in existence, and only a handful in good condition. The issue that sold Monday was rated slightly higher than the one that sold in February; it had been tucked inside an old movie magazine for years before being discovered. The issue was bought from a private collector and then sold by Stephen Fishler and Vincent Zurzolo, the co-owners of ComicConnect.com. It was bought minutes after being posted Monday at the asking price of $1.5 million by "a hardcore comic book fan," Fishler said. "There's been a lot of attempts to acquire this book over the last 15 years. The recent activity, I guess, did the trick." Fishler speculated that the sudden burst of record-priced sales are due to "pent-up demand." Issues of such prized comic books rarely become available for purchase. Rarer still are issues in such good condition. "I can't imagine another book coming on the market that exists that would top this. This may be the final say — at least for the next 10 or 20 years — for a record price of a comic book." Or at least until next week when I’ll probably be reporting about another sale. Maybe this one will be for a random comic like…Duckman No. 5 or something. Anyway, Superman’s back on top. Your move, Dark Knight.

GENIUS!!! – Who wouldn’t want a million dollars just for being you? Maybe you could use it to buy Duckman No. 5 or something? Well, a 43-year-old unemployed bachelor who lives with his elderly mother in Russia — and who won $1 million for solving a problem that has stumped mathematicians for a century is considering just that. Grigory Perelman can't decide if he wants the money. "He said he would need to think about it," said James Carlson, who telephoned Perelman with the news he had won the Millennium Prize awarded by the Clay Mathematics Institute of Cambridge, Mass. Carlson said he wasn't too surprised by the apparent lack of interest from Perelman, a reclusive genius who has a history of refusing big prizes. In 2006, Perelman made headlines when he stayed away from the ceremony in Madrid where he was supposed to get a Fields Medal, often called the Nobel Prize of Mathematics. He remained at home in St. Petersburg instead. As for the new prize, Perelman (PER-il-mahn) told a local television station he hasn't made a decision on whether to accept the money, and that Carlson's institute will be the first to know when he does. Sergei Rukshin, Perelman's high school math teacher, told The Associated Press on Monday that "I know that this time he is seriously thinking about whether he will accept the prize. He still has some time.” The awards ceremony is in June. Rukshin said Perelman has been without work for four years and has declined all job offers. He previously worked at the Steklov Mathematics Institute. "As far as I know, after there was so much media attention ... he did not want to be a public person and to look like an animal in the zoo," Rukshin said. He said he had encouraged Perelman to accept the prize to provide for himself and his elderly mother. Technically, the award is a done deal. "He has been awarded the prize. That's the decision of the committee," Carlson said. "He may or may not accept the money." Carlson declined to discuss what would happen to the $1 million if Perelman rejects it. Several groups in Russia, including the St. Petersburg Communist Party, have made public appeals to Perelman to give them the cash to fight poverty if he doesn't want it for himself. Perelman was honored for proving the Poincare (pwan-kah-RAY) conjecture, which deals with shapes that exist in four or more dimensions, rather than the familiar three dimensions. The conjecture proposes a test for determining whether a shape in such space, no matter how distorted, is a three-dimensional sphere. Yeah. That’s why the answers worth a million bucks. That was one of seven problems the Clay institute identified in 2000 as being worthy of a $1 million Millennium Prize. It's the first problem on the list to be solved. The Clay institute was founded in 1998 by Landon T. Clay, a Boston businessman, and his wife, Lavinia D. Clay. Tamara Yefimova, a deputy director of Perelman's high school who has known the mathematician since he was a student there, said that once he started working on the Poincare conjecture he became totally absorbed in it. She said Perelman stopped visiting his old school to help students and stopped attending meetings of the city's math society. As a high school student, Perelman obviously was the most gifted student, Yefimova said. The only reason he didn't get a gold medal upon graduation, she said, was that the unathletic scholar didn't get the top grade in physical education. Perelman went on to earn college and postgraduate degrees in mathematics and mechanical engineering from Leningrad State University and Steklov Mathematics Institute. "It could have been only him who would solve the Poincare conjecture," Yefimova said. Indeed, Carlson said, Perelman's solution was "a truly amazing piece of mathematics." We may think this is crazy, to turn down a million dollars…but then again, who are we to question GENIUS? Think about it. He could be the happiest man on the planet. He lives with the Love of his life – his mother. She probably cooks hot meals every day. He doesn’t have a job to worry about. He can rock a beard and there’s nobody to judge him. He doesn’t have that girlfriend bullsh*t to deal with. His only concerns are solving the mysteries of the universe…at his leisure. I was kind of surprised that he even had a phone to contact him…but then I remembered that he’s a bachelor…in Russia. What if he has a fixin’ for a mail-order bride? Or a pizza? Or it’s hella cold outside and he wants some Chinese instead of mom’s cooking? Still, the million dollars might be kind of cool as far as helping out your mama. If she were down, I’d take her on a trip to all the places she’s ever dreamed of visiting and treating her like a f**king princess…but maybe his mom isn’t into all that. Maybe she’s perfectly happy spending time with her baby boy genius. You know what, congratulations on your award…and your sweet ass life, comrade. Do with it what you wish.

No Surprise Here – Ricky Martin is gay. In other news, Hugh Hefner likes blondes.

Booby Bandito - An Orange County woman's new breasts cost her six months in jail (at least her cellmate will have a good night’s sleep on those pillows). Yvonne Jean Pampellonne was sentenced Monday in Westminster for using a fraudulent line of credit to obtain $12,000 in cosmetic surgery, including breast implants and liposuction. The 30-year-old woman had pleaded guilty to burglary, grand theft and identity theft. She was sentenced to 180 days in jail and was placed on three years' probation. Restitution was also ordered by the Westminster judge, but the amount wasn't immediately clear. Pampellonne used a line of credit established in another person's name to get the September 2008 procedures at the Pacific Center for Plastic Surgery in Huntington Beach. So ladies, if you can’t afford that new rack that you’ve been looking for (God knows I have) and you don’t mind spending six months showing off your goods to cell block Double D, then maybe you just need to fraudulently finance that procedure. Want to know how? Gimme a call. Honestly though, real justice would’ve been to take the tatas back, pump her full of Twinkie filling (not in the sexual metaphor way) again & make her pay for that procedure. Like Repo Men or something. Anyway, kinda funny that your new cans could land you in the can.

Holy Skrit!!! - A Hindu holy man with thousands of followers across India resigned as head of a religious organization on Tuesday after police began investigating his role in a sex scandal, officials said. Hold on, it’s not what you expect when you here holy man & sex scandal in the same sentence here in the states. Video footage allegedly showing Nithyananda Swami, head of Dhyanapeetam, or "knowledge center," frolicking with two women angered hundreds of devotees who tried to ransack his center outside the southern city of Bangalore this month. The 32-year-old has denied any links to the women and said the tapes were doctored (Bollywood is booming…) but the police are investigating and have asked people to come forward with evidence. This month has been particularly bad for India's self-styled holy men with Indian police arresting one for running a brothel involving air stewardesses and college students (Get the f**k out! Where?), while charging another with kidnapping a minor (not having sex with DOZENS of minors). Nithyananda Swami, who has big politicians and movie stars as devotees, announced his resignation in a statement. "I have decided to live a life of spiritual seclusion, for some indefinite time...," he said on his website. Oh yeah, spiritual leaders can have a website. It is India. Whenever you have a problem with your website, who do you call? Nithyananda Swami has spiritual centers in Europe and United States and Dhyanapeetam runs free medical centers and supplies food to the poor. The real news about this is that he wasn’t molesting young boys. Lots of ‘em. It’s kinda silly that a religious leader in India would be shamed into a self-imposed exile based on a few pictures of him frolicking (emphasis on licking) with two women when that’s really not a big deal. I mean… it isn’t. Unless he’s married or something…or my definition of frolicking is a little PG compared to that of other reporters. Now, the brothel thing…that’s not good for a religious leader…but if he’s looking for somebody with a strong pimphand to take over management, I know a guy. That’s actually a great idea if you think about it. Stewardesses & college students? Cheese & rice, I wanna visit Bangalore now. Oh…and a religious cult kidnapping children? That’s normal in Utah. It’s just funny how religious scandal differs when you go to different parts of the world.

We Represent the Lollipop Guild – Ever wonder what amusement parks are like in the People’s Republic of China? Sitting in a valley in southwest China sits an unlikely and controversial theme park -- the Little People's Kingdom of Dwarfs. Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Here, dwarfs perform in fairytale costumes for tourists, drawing both curious crowds and a fair share of criticism. For many of the employees, the park is a rare opportunity to find work, and respect…as unlikely as it seems for men and women doing daily spoof performances of Swan Lake in tutus. The park, near Kunming city in Yunnan province, employs 108 dwarfs from across the country, who twice daily gather on an artificial hillside to dance and sing for tourists. As well as a host of dwarf guardian angels, the fantasy world has a king, an army, a health department and even its own foreign ministry, and all must pretend to live in a miniature hilltop village of crooked little houses. For 80 Yuan (about $11.72 which isn’t a small sum in China) tourists can watch skits, sentimental group dances and acrobatics some may view as more than a little reminiscent of medieval freak shows now deemed politically incorrect in many parts of the world (well, if you call anything a “freak show” it sounds mad). The show's centerpiece, a farcical rendition of Swan Lake, sees performers both male and female dressed in pink tutus and pretending to be little swans (ugh…flamingoes are pink, swans are white, right?). "When I did it for the very first time, I felt a bit embarrassed. I had never worn a skirt like that before," said 21-year-old Chen Ruan, who left his native Hunan province to join the park when it opened last July. "But later, once I got used to it, performing it felt very natural," he added. Chen Ming, a flamboyant Sichuanese businessman who single-handedly conceived and funded the park, made his fortune manufacturing electronics and investing in property, but said he had always wanted to do good for society. And Chen now has bigger plans for his little kingdom. Having already invested around 100 million Yuan in the site, which nestles among nine forested peaks, he is looking for a further 700 million to expand it. While the venture is yet to make a profit, Chen hopes the number of performers employed will grow to around 1,000 within a few years. One day, Chen beams, the navy will have its own reservoir, the infantry a railroad, the air force a cable car, and the foreign ministry employees will serve as tour guides. "I'm very happy with it," he told Reuters. "What I need now is for some people, especially Europeans and Americans, to understand us. Because some people don't get it, they think we are using the dwarfs…but what we are actually doing is giving them a platform to live, giving them worth and the ability to work freely, to exist freely," he added. I’m convinced…but not everyone is. Disabled rights groups and members of China's increasingly vocal online community have suggested the park may only serve to increase stigma. "We need to go and tell him how to respect disabled people's rights, how to help disabled people to develop in their own lives, and not to exploit people's curiosity for commercial success," said Xie Yan, director of Beijing's One Plus One Cultural Exchange Center, an NGO which advocates more equality for China's disabled. The situation for China's estimated 83 million people with a disability has improved in recent years, with enrollment figures for schools and universities increasing dramatically. Beijing's hosting of the Paralympics in 2008 also focused government and public attention on the rights of China's disabled. Yet traditional prejudices against anyone who's not considered "normal," and a lack of specialized infrastructure such as wheelchair ramps (or toilets that aren’t holes in the ground?), means many people with disabilities, or medical conditions such as dwarfism, still avoid venturing out. Li Caixia said it had been near impossible to find well-paid work after graduating from high school, and was tempted to the park by the prospect of up to 2,000 Yuan a month, double what she might get working anywhere else (including brothels). "As soon as employers see us, they know they definitely wouldn't want a small person like us. They have to pay the same salary, so they all want to find someone more normal. But here, staff aren't prejudiced like the people outside." The only qualification for employees, whose ages range from 18 to 48, is to be shorter than 130 cms (51 inches, 4-foot-3) and be fundamentally self sufficient. Living together in a dormitory designed to look like a cave, some residents say life in the park (or Shire) is a welcome opportunity to be around others with similar experiences. Facilities from sinks to light switches are installed for people with a short stature in mind, offering greater independence for people many of whom were once heavily reliant on parents or charitable institutions. Kunming primary school teacher Deng Li, whose students were among hundreds enjoying the show on a recent weekday morning, said it was a positive experience for both sides. "You can see the children have accepted them. I think this will be of great help to the children as they grow up and come into contact with people like them." So what do you think? Is it a theme park exploiting the public’s curiosity of midgetry? Or is it a favorable employer of those with a shorter stature than most? You be the judge. I like the idea…but obviously my point of view is…not normal.

Angelina Update – Speaking of childhood fairy tales, Angelina Jolie is apparently interested in taking on the villainous lead role in "Maleficent" for Disney Pictures says The Los Angeles Times. Last week came word that Linda Woolverton ("Beauty and the Beast") would pen the script which is described as a "post-modern family adventure" centering around the evil Queen who served as the main antagonist in Disney's 1959 animated classic "Sleeping Beauty". Jolie is "very interested" in taking on the project according to the paper's sources. Tim Burton has been linked as a potential director for a few months now (since it is a quirky remake of a children’s classic that goes without saying) but no deals are in place with anyone. However, that doesn’t mean that we can’t dream… Mmm… I may not have a shot at playing Prince Philip… or even King Stefan for a scene… but I’d gladly play one of her minions as long as she calls me her pet…

Fox Update – Megan Fox has apparently turned down the chance to be the next Lara Croft. The Transformers star “reluctantly” said no to the part in the next Tomb Raider movie because she hates being compared to the film franchise’s original star, Angelina Jolie. “The offer has been on the table for Megan for a while but she’s reluctantly turned it down,” says a movie insider. “She’s the logical choice to play Lara and she loves the character but the comparison with Angelina is too much. “It looks like the movie will now star an unknown.” Fox, 23, has previously insisted she’s compared to Jolie because people are desperate to put her “in a box” (the kind of box that’s frequently nominated for Academy Awards and can pick any movie role that the box wants, whether it’s 8-digits for playing a big budget heroine, pairing up with some of the greatest actors & directors of our time, some stupid artsy film to show the box’s range or the retelling of a children’s classic). “The media has to package you and sell you somehow and sell their magazines so everybody has to be ‘the new’ or ‘the next’ someone or something,” she said in October last year. “If I am not a party girl and they can’t sell me as that, and I’m not an Oscar winning actress and they can’t sell me as that, then they have to package me somehow and for some reason they latched on to the Angelina thing because I have a lot of tattoos (mmm… yes, you do… among other traits like vixen eyes, full delicious lips, beautiful curvaceous body & a questionable taste for older men). It was a way to market me and it was a way to sell their magazines or get hits on their blogs — because it makes people uncomfortable if they are unable to put you in a box.”

Look Megan, I know I’m not the one to hand out career advice, especially when it’s something I have as little experience in as the Hollywood hype machine (P.S. Rumors has it, I may be the new host of a late night show soon) but please, think this through logically. You’re right. You’re absolutely right. The media wants to make you the next Angelina or whatever…because they need to promote you as having not only the physical characteristics of this successful actress & activist…but also her talent & raw sexual appeal, despite the fact that you don’t have quite the past as her (I mean…some of the things I’ve heard about pre-Gia Angelina…) and every actress has to go through it. Meryl Streep was the next Hepburn. Sarah Jessica Parker was the next Seabiscuit. The point is… if you have to be put in this “box” as you so put it, I’d take the Jolie box any chance I could get (in more ways than one). Do you think she feels like she’s in a box? Maybe. Do I feel like I’m in a box? All the time. Here’s the thing, they’re not going to hand you super stardom or anything based on your (Jennifer’s) body of work. Also, is this box that they’re trying to put you in the same one that puts your into comic book roles? Sadly, that’s probably a bigger problem with type-casting than any box in playing a former Angelina role that catapulted her from sexy moody chick to international superstar. Do I think that you should be in the Tomb Raider remake? Not particularly (though I do fancy the imagery) but don’t refuse it just because Angelina did it. Yeah, she did…and she did it well. You know what else she did? Won an Academy Award for playing a chick in a mental institution opposite Winona Ryder (who would LOVE to be in Angelina’s “box”). She was also nominated for her role in “Changeling” working with director Clint Eastwood. She’s working with actors like Nicolas Cage, Johnny Depp, Anthony Hopkins, Denzel Washington, Gerard Butler, Antonio Benderas, Jude Law and her husband Brad Pitt. She’s helping the children of Mother Afrika and about to complete her collection of a child from each continent. She’s done a lot of great & admirable things. If you don’t wanna play Lara Croft, good. Don’t. If the script’s horrible, that’s understandable. Even Indiana Jones got REALLY bad by the 4th movie, so why should the sexy female version be any different? If it’s because you don’t want to do any more action movies for a while, good for you. Spread out that portfolio and branch into something like a… Victorian period piece if you can… or a biopic like I’ve often suggested to Hollywood. Ah, the young Mother Teresa. Here’s the thing though, I’ve got great faith in your abilities…but don’t let what the media says about you get you down or make decisions for you. The Media is a bunch of idiots out to say stupid stuff to get people’s attention (sorry…but technically a lot of you are). I’m guilty of it too…but I get the attention of about a dozen people around the world…and it’s not like anybody’s putting this into print or anything. For God’s sake, don’t make career decision based on some stupid sh*t that some idiot like me would say…or even infer that I have some kind of influence on your decisions…knowing full well that I know NOTHING about being a star or an actor on any level. Do what’s best for you. “I turned down the role because…I’m really interested in these other projects & it’ll be a great platform for some other actress that’d be more involved in the role” or “because I want to help bring clean drinking water to the people of Zimbabwe” or “because the script is written by Diablo Cody…and fool me once, shame on you to that f**king hack” whatever the situation may be. Anyway, best of luck to you, Miss Fox…and you know I only dragged this discussion out longer to help you out & give me more reason to post your pictures for my handful of readers (who are probably 80% female surprisingly). I can’t wait to meet you when I visit LA in a few weeks...and I have no doubt that, if needed, you could protect me...

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Sorry to ramble on for a bit there…but not much else to do when it’s snowing outside and you can’t really make a snowman with Sierra Cement that’s worth a damn. May you all have somebody to keep you warm on these cold winter nights (though isn’t it technically Spring now?) and if not, call on Dr Love & he’ll gladly warm you up by the fireplace…and maybe hum a sexy little tune into your ears. You never know. Have a great night everybody!!!

Ek Hou Van Jou

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The snow is back. Last night, I had a few firsts here in Truckee. First, the police were at my apartment complex…and that sadly made me a little homesick of Rose Park…but for like a second because then I had to wonder if they’d found out about mail-order bride. Secondly, I got to experience my first thunderstorm (though rather brief) here. It was awesome. The wind was whipping through in gusts, giant globs of rain were flying sideways like shot out of a fire hose, the rumbling didn’t last a long time…but it was intense when it did. Awesome. Then I remembered that I had told my roommate that I would pick him up at the airport at 11 PM…because too, am awesome. The drive there wasn’t too bad. Sure the rain was torrential…but it was still rain and that’s what’s important. Any moment it could’ve turned into black ice…then it’s too bad. Worse than the rain though was the wind. Driving through that canyon, there were probably 100 MPH gusts easy through there…and you may not be aware of this…but Jeeps aren’t the most aerodynamic creatures in the animal kingdom. Gretchen was a champion as always though…and I did make sure that my insurance payments were up to date. My roommate was grateful for the ride (as well he should be) and we made it home safely. Then it turned to snow by morning…and it’s been going steadily ever since. I’m guessing the weather was different in Florida this past week. Oh well. It’s good for the industry up here…which means it’s good for all of us. Let it snow that white gold.

Today at lunch, I sat down next to two coworkers in the cafeteria…and after a few seconds, I realized that…I think they were speaking German. See, they were in a conversation, so I just kept to my chicken cordon bleu & broccoli soup and…yeah, I kinda eavesdropped. See, for those who don’t remember, I took German in high school. Why? F**k you, that’s why. Basically in the decade since, I haven’t had many opportunities to use it…so I’m a little rusty. I was really just trying to see if I could understand real German…being spoken by real Germans. There’s not a Telemundo for German. So anyway, I was picking up a few words I thought…but I was awfully disappointed in myself…so I figured that I’d just plunge in and introduce myself…and ask them if they were from Germany or Austria or what. “Oh no, Dutch sounds a lot like German.” “Oh sorry, I was trying not to eavesdrop but…I was a little.” “It’s okay, I would’ve done the same thing.” “So you’re from the Netherlands then…or?” Trying to include the cute girl into the conversation…but she was on the other side of the dude. The guy answered, “No, we’re from South Africa…but the language there is Afrikaans, which is similar.” “Africanese? Did you just make that up to mess with me? (luckily we both laughed a little) I’ve never heard of that before. I had no idea. Well, how are you two liking the weather here in Tahoe?” So we chatted for a bit…but yeah, Afrikaans (not Africanese) is a real language, derived from Dutch settlers in the 17th century (yes, the slave traders) and is the official language of South Africa, who will be hosting the World Cup this year. Now we both know. In fact, I’m gonna share with you a few Afrikaans phrases…that maybe I might butcher in trying to get to know these two coworkers (especially the sexy female one):

“Hallo! Hoe gaan dit?” – Hello, how’s it going?
“Baie good, dankie” – Very well, thank you
“Wat is jou naam?” – What is your name? (der…)
“Ek hou van jou” – I love you (oh yeah…)
I’ll let you know when I’m able to effectively translate pickup lines…

Let’s see. In other news, remember BW? From my Going Away Party? Chatted with her for the first time in a while. Apparently she & her mom may be coming to visit the area in May, so if I’m in town, we may have to go get sh*t-faced together…and let her mom drive us…just like at the party. Okay, so I’d be the designated driver (since I’m the only one driving Gretchen) but either way, it’d be a great time. She deserves a vacation. She’s been through a lot these past four years (my first infamous celebrity that I personally knew…and it all happened on my 25th birthday). So yeah, we’ll see if that happens. Either way, we’ll probably meet up in Utah when I visit there. Other than that, not much going on personally. My mom’s getting ready for her journey to Asia. I’m getting ready for my road trip. So without further ado, here’s the news…

Bank Robbing Update – This story is great. Actor Rip Torn (“Men in Black” & “Dodgeball”) pleaded not guilty Tuesday to burglary and firearms charges stemming from his January arrest inside a Connecticut bank after hours (what?). State police have said the 79-year-old Emmy award winner was so intoxicated on the night of January 29th (“How drunk was he?”) that he broke into the Litchfield Bancorp branch with a loaded gun, thinking it was his home in Salisbury in northwestern Connecticut. Torn is charged with criminal trespass, carrying a gun without a permit, carrying a gun while intoxicated, burglary and criminal mischief. Superior Court Judge James P. Ginocchio allowed him to remain free on $100,000 bond, under the condition that he stay away from alcohol (and probably banks while brandishing unlicensed firearms). Torn said he was more than happy to comply. Torn's attorney, A. Thomas Waterfall, said the actor, who is currently appearing in the movie "Happy Tears," has moved from an inpatient to an outpatient rehabilitation program. "Today we established with the court the excellent strides that Rip has made through his treatment," he said. Torn received probation last year in a Connecticut DUI case and also had alcohol-related arrests in New York in the past. He told reporters that he had been through rehabilitation before, and had been sober for some time before the night he was arrested. "I've never missed a day's work in my life," he said. He is due back in court on April 27. Waterfall declined to say if Torn is currently working (so as not to spoil the surprise of the “Men in Black” sequel). Sigh… Okay, here’s an experiment…and please remember that bail was $100,000. Get wasted, I’m talking world’s spinning in a fishbowl wasted, break into your local bank, with an unlicensed firearm…and see if the cops react with the same level of courtesy…or if they just open fire after screaming out “He’s coming right for us!!!” Go ahead. I’ll wait. Here’s the thing, what if he was really trying to rob the bank? I mean…let’s say, you’re robbing a bank…and you f**k up…and the cops pounce on you so fast you’re trying to figure out who squealed…but then realize it’s an operation of one. What do you do? Step one, stagger like a drunken idiot. Throw in some sayings that don’t make a whole lot of sense in any context. “The cats!!! They’re brown!!!” Step two, keep the firearm. It’ll look too suspicious if you just leave the gun in the bank after claiming to be supremely intoxicated. Why would you bring a gun to a bank that you broke into…if you were drunk…and claiming it was your home? If it’s still in your hand, there’s always the insanity plea. Important sidenote, don’t point it in the general direction of anybody. Probably best just to slouch and keep the gun as low to the ground as possible…yet still in your hand. Draw some pictures in the grass. Again, it’ll help with your plea. Step three, continue to make ridiculous and illogical comments like “I thought this was my house. I was wondering why my vault was so small.” It’ll throw the cops off your trail…and give you ample time to consult with your lawyer…and anything you say CAN be used against you…but again, will probably only be admissible for a plea deal. Step four, don’t take a breathalyzer. If you have to, picture your grandparents having kinky sex in the middle of an unsanitary slaughterhouse, then vomit all over the arresting officer. If they find out that you’re not drunk, the jig is up…and not in the sexual way. Or…you could also be a pro about it…and do it this way in the first place…

Bank Robbing Done Right - Robbers tunneled their way into the vault of a Parisian bank over the weekend and cracked almost 200 private safes, police said. The gangsters tied up the security guard at a Credit Lyonnais branch on Paris's Avenue de l'Opera on Saturday night, before digging through a series of cellars to reach the vault, police said late on Monday. They spent several hours opening the safes and set the place on fire as they left to destroy any evidence. The value of the stolen goods is still being estimated. French media were quick to compare the case to the "Spaggiari Affair," a heist masterminded by Albert Spaggiari more than 30 years ago in Nice. Spaggiari's gang dug into the vault of a Societe Generale branch, spent two days and two nights there and made away with booty worth some 24 million euros ($32.42 million). Now THAT’S how you rob a f**king bank. Subdue the guard, make a back door, take it to where the REAL money’s at, maybe throw out a few French one-liners, take your sweet ass time to find all the best stuff, don’t worry, banks are closed on Sundays, maybe even copycat a fellow thief who’s been out of the game for a while, then skip away with eight digits to spread amongst your team. Am I forgetting something? Oh yes, torch the place afterwards…so the cops have to devote more time to containment of the fire, finding out exactly what was lost, destroying traces of your presence, and you hope on your boat in the French Riviera and make your way to Morocco. Rip, I hope you’re taking f**king notes for next time.

Google Earth: Peepin’ It Real - A Florida Panhandle deputy was able to track down and arrest a man on charges of illegally dumping a boat near his home with a surprising tool: satellite pictures provided by Google Earth. Deputy Gregory Barnes used the images after finding an 18-foot boat dumped in an undeveloped subdivision about 15 miles north of Pensacola. Google Earth shows archived satellite and aerial images of communities across the world. Barnes used it to look at the surrounding area and saw a fuzzy image of the vessel at Dwight Everett Foster's home. Authorities say Foster admitted dumping the boat and his son later removed it. Police say it cost $18 to dispose of the boat at a landfill. Foster faces a $5,000 fine and up to five years in prison. Okay, so let’s forget about this whole crime thing real quick and get to the point of the matter. The cops used Google Earth…to find him. Why hasn’t this been done before? Could you imagine if brought up Google Earth at the O.J. Trial? “Your honor, as you see, when we compare these images outside of the Brown home…to similar images taken from the Goodyear Blimp during the Rose Bowl, you can see the similarities of the overhead angle of Mister Simpson. We’re still not sure why he was wearing the helmet during the attack.” “Come on coach, I had to get my Game Face on.” “Mister Simpson, please sit down.” All this time I thought that Google Earth was just a way to spy on sexy sunbathers on South Beach from my apartment in Utah…but then I discovered that there’s porn on the internet. Now there’s a real application for it. Security camera didn’t catch anything? Witness testimony is sketchy at best? Let’s Google that sh*t!!! While we’re at it, let’s see if Kim Kardashian’s working on her tan again.

Wrong Turn – Do you hate it when Mapquest or your GPS gives you horrible directions? Well, it can be frustrating…but it’s probably still better than your natural sense of direction. For example, police say a motorist fleeing officers in Cleveland abandoned his car and jumped a fence — landing in what turned out to be a prison yard. Garfield Heights police say the chase started in that suburb early Monday over a traffic violation and reached speeds of 90 mph. Police say that after a race through several communities, the driver and a passenger bolted from the car and headed for a fence. They apparently did not realize it was on the outside the state women's prison in Cleveland. Based on what I’ve seen on TV, my response would be “JACKPOT!!!” Then again, I’ve only seen a few of those late night Showtime movies over the years. The two were arrested along with two other passengers who also tried to flee…but apparently went in a slightly better direction. That’s really all there is to this story. It always interests me as to why they would try to get away if it was just a traffic violation like a speeding ticket or something. I wouldn’t be surprised if further inspection of the vehicle revealed something…or there was some powder substance gently sprinkled in the grassy areas as they ran away. Anyway, I’m sure the helicopter video will be on Spike or Tru TV soon enough.

Idle Hands – Then again, maybe they were just bored and wanted to see if they could get away with it. A man who has been charged with making a naked dash through a Tennessee supermarket told police he was "bored and didn't have anything else to do." Yes, that was a quote…and no, I did not say it. The Kingsport Times-News reports that a man entered an IGA store Friday night, wearing nothing but a face mask (not even shoes), and ran around the aisles. A police report says officers found the suspect in the bathroom of a nearby Hardee's restaurant. Employees say he entered the fast food outlet wearing nothing but an orange hooded sweat shirt (so the top half was covered) and asked if anyone could lend him clothes. An employee gave him a pair of athletic shorts (hopefully a spare pair, otherwise that would just be awkward to go back to work). Kingsport police arrested 22-year-old Daniel R. Lee of Church Hill and have charged him with indecent exposure. I can’t wait until they do the lineup. “Ma’am, can you identify the man that you saw at the supermarket?” “Well, it wasn’t Number Two. He’s too chubby. Sorry, it all happened so fast…and my eyes aren’t what they used to be.” “It’s okay ma’am, take your time.” “He was average size…so Number One’s Vienna sausage and Number Five’s kielbasa can go. Oh my, did you line them up in order of…? Maybe I should take a closer look at Number Five again…” “Thank you gentlemen, that’ll be enough.” See what happens when people get bored? They start making mad dashes through a supermarket wearing nothing but a smile. I don’t know, sometimes I think that I was meant to be in Tennessee. I’ve been there a few times…and love Memphis…but they just seem to be my kind of people. Jazz, sexy accents, beautiful scenery, laid back attitudes, good eats from barbecue to Jack Daniels, I get the Dukes of Hazzard, and most importantly, southern girls love me (and let’s not forget, Megan Fox is from Tennessee). Who knows? Maybe my journey doesn’t end in Utah… or California… or even in the States… but one thing’s for sure. No matter where that destination might be… they’ll have no problem picking me out of a lineup after a Supermarket Spree. Hell, I’ll probably have my phone number written in marker across my abs.

ID4 Sequels - Will Smith (aka The Fresh Prince) is rumored to have signed a deal with 20th Century Fox to star in two "Independence Day" sequels says IESB.Net. Roland Emmerich, who helmed the original films (as well as “The Day After Tomorrow” & “2012”), said in the past Fox wasn't willing to move forward with any ID4 sequel due mainly to Will Smith's costly $20 million plus first dollar gross salary. Now the site claims that Smith is locked for two sequels to be shot back-to-back with filming to kick off as early as late next year. Emmerich is currently set to direct the William Shakespeare thriller "Anonymous" while Smith is currently deciding between "The City That Sailed" or "Men in Black 3" (See? Rip really was trying to keep it a secret. I wasn’t just making that up) as his next project. Any 'Independence' sequel would not happen until after both of those projects. The site is still awaiting confirmation from Fox and other sources. Also, just to elaborate so that you don’t scurry to find a work of Shakespeare’s entitled “Anonymous” let me explain. The movie that Roland Emmerich is directing isn’t a work of Shakespeare (though I’d picture his take of “Hamlet” as something out of “Last Action Hero”) but rather a political thriller about who actually wrote the plays of Shakespeare (Edward de Vere, the Earl of Oxford) and is a period piece set against the era of Elizabeth I and the Essex Rebellion…so yes, there will probably still be explosions. What was my point? Oh yeah, so keep an eye out for… “Independence Weekend” or “Welcome to Earth” or whatever it’ll be called…if it happens.

So yeah, that’ll probably do it for today. The snow’s still coming down…but again, it’s a good thing. Everybody just play safe out there, stay warm & get over those nasty colds that ruined your weekend. If you get bored, or just need to hear a reassuring voice, you know the digits. Holla!!! Have a great night everybody!!!

Erin Go Bragh

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, we got what I like to call a “Surprise Six”. What’s that? Well, it’s when you’re surprised with six inches of previously unforecasted snow when you wake up in the morning. It wasn’t too bad. The roads were a little icy because it was like ten degrees overnight but most made it through safely. We’ve seen it before. There’s also supposed to be a chance of snow on Friday, when my mom comes to visit…but hopefully that’s just more meteorologist guestimates because we plan on having some fun. Then again, this bit of snow may be okay as there’s a snowman (or snowwoman) making contest at Kings Beach on Friday that would’ve otherwise probably been cancelled. Wish us luck & send us suggestions. I’m thinking something in a Bettie Page might win over the (male) judges. And if the ladies ask, “It’s Bettie White of course.” “Then why are…her breasts out and she’s striking that pose?” “Oh no, this powdery snow’s hard to form. See, I was trying to get her to appear to be waving but…I guess I’m just out of practice.” Good times…followed by a pub crawl.

Last night, I also watched “Boondock Saints II: All Saint’s Day” which is a sequel to one of my favorite flicks of all time. For those who don’t know the story, it’s about two Irish brothers (Sean Patrick Flanery & Norman Reedus) who basically seek justice by killing criminals, usually involved with the Mafia in their hometown of Boston. That’s the first movie. The sequel picks up about 8 years later…and right off the bat, they’re sheep farmers in Ireland with Grizzly Adams beards. “Okay, I’ll let it slide. They must be on the run.” Yup, apparently right after the first movie ended, they ran off to Ireland to hide from the cops with their father (Billy Connelly). Well, back in Boston, somebody has copycatted them…but killed a priest. So now they have to go find out who did it…and defend their names (which apparently was already good enough to run off to Ireland). Well, they run into this annoying Mexican guy (Chris Collins jr) who helps them out…and then there’s a hot FBI agent with a bad Southern accent (Julie Benz, who I love in “Dexter”) and the mob boss who’s framing them is Judd Nelson from “The Breakfast Club” and there’s a very tiny assassin and…there’s these weird cutoffs with Rocco (from the first movie) where sometimes it’s just him spitting random vulgar quips of wisdom and other times he’s sharing a dream with his buddies…and then there’s special guest stars. Okay, so…it’s not the great movie ever made basically. It’s an okay sequel…but I’m not sure if I’d watch it again…and that’s a bold thing for me to say…because I’ve watched the original dozens of times. If you liked the first one, you may want to give it a gander…but don’t expect to be blown away.

Old Baldy Back in Philly – No, not Terry Bradshaw…and he was in Pittsburgh anyway. I’m talking about a man and his horse. A museum in Philadelphia will once again showcase the head of Old Baldy, the horse Gen. George Meade rode during many of the Civil War's most infamous battles. The warhorse's preserved head was the subject of a battle between two city museums that both claimed ownership (possession is 9/10th of the law, suckah). A deal has been reached that allows the Grand Army of the Republic Museum and the Civil War Museum to share Old Baldy. The head could arrive at the Grand Army museum this month. The Civil War Museum closed in 2008 but plans to reopen in 2015 (so why is this even a problem for the next five years?). Other items in its collection have been sent to several area museums. Old Baldy was considered a Union hero after surviving the battles of Antietam and Gettysburg and soldiering on after being shot in battle many times…and all without saying a word (unlike that whiny prissy Mister Ed). So yeah, I like this story. Why? Because everybody gets head…in the name of history.

Mmm Cheese - Breast milk cheese, anyone? “Yes please.” A Manhattan chef has posted a recipe on his blog for what he calls "My spouse's mommy milk cheese." Daniel Angerer co-owns Klee Brasserie with his wife Lori Mason. A photo on his blog features the cheese encrusted with maple caramelized pumpkin and Concord grapes (but none of the milk’s source? How else do we know it’s fresh?). They had an overabundance of milk for their newborn, Arabella Caroline. When their small freezer ran out of space, Angerer decided to experiment. Angerer said his cooking instincts tend toward things natural. But even he admits: "THIS is a whole other level of 'natural.'" Well, it sounds delicious…and before any of you start thinking “$teve, that’s gross. Why would you want cheese from a woman’s teat? A married woman’s teat even?” Think about what you’re asking. Why wouldn’t I prefer a woman’s milk…over that of a cow? Or a goat? I worked at a dairy for two years. Those b**ches are disgusting…and dumb as a rock. I would think “Why do I do this? Oh yeah, milk.” Then I would have visions of one day in the not-so-distant future…when I would have my own dairy…filled with Cambodian & Brazilian immigrant women (because everybody knows they have the finest breast milk) who would run around free range until feeding time (specific diets for the desired subtle flavor) and then after a quick stop by the milking stations (where teenage boys would pay ME to do the job), they’re back to the fields to play games with their children (not going to go into the studding procedures this time…but I assure you the children are HUGE). Meanwhile I sleep in a huge pile of money with my “pet” Mariella by my side. Not so crazy NOW, is it? I mean… this economy is the perfect climate too. Hovering around 10% unemployment, single mothers out of work and looking for ways to provide for their children, who they’re not able to be with because of their erratic work schedule, maybe the answer’s the simple life on a farm. Man, if only I owned some land… Well, next time I’m in Manhattan, I know where I’m going for lunch.

Real Banana Hammock - Australian underwear company AussieBum has been monkeying around and the result is a range of men's underwear made with bananas. The new eco-friendly banana range of undies incorporates 27% banana fiber, 64% cotton and 9% lycra, AussieBum's Lloyd Jones said on Friday. He said the banana fiber used in the underwear is made from a bark weave from the banana plant and makes the underwear not only lightweight, but also very absorbent (ugh…okay? Just in case?). "Naturally you can't really add anymore banana fiber than that because it might be a bit squishy," said Jones, adding that wearers did not have to worry about real monkeys, as the underwear does not smell (nor I assume taste) like a banana. Yes, I live in constant fear of monkeys craving my underwear…but only after they’ve had a few drinks. Thank you for clarifying. So now you can have a real banana hammock…which will also swell up when it’s a little wet. You may never have to find a urinal again…and your junk will look better because of it (probably still smell bad though). Oh the possibilities. Sorry, still thinking about my farm.

Chocolate Racecar – Wow, this is turning into a pretty tasty entry. Fuelled by leftover chocolate and with components made from carrots, potato starch and flax, the world's first sustainable Formula 3 racing car has a top speed of 135 miles per hour and can go from zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds. Sound nuts? “Sounds like Mr. Fusion from Back to the Future.” Wait, there’s more. Brake pads made from cashews are still under development. Meet Lola, the University of Warwick's blend of muscle and eco-friendliness and the world's first racing car retrofitted with renewable and sustainable materials. Researchers from the university showed off their prize possession at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's (MIT) energy conference in Boston. "She's incredibly green, taking materials that would otherwise have ended up in a landfill. It lets people engage with recycling without the finger-wagging," said Kerry Kirwan, one of the car's designers at the university. "The public has really taken the car to its heart, because she's fun." Many of the car's components would more usually be found at a farmer's market…or in a rubbish bin, since most of the materials are actually industrial waste. The 2.0-litre BMW engine has been converted to diesel from gasoline and configured to run on fuel derived from waste from chocolate factories (pure imagination?) or other plant-based oils (fossils were plants once). Among Lola's other unique features is a radiator that converts ozone back to oxygen. "It's a racing car that cleans up as it goes along," said Steve Maggs, another member of the design team. The WorldFirst Formula 3 racing car took the university more than nine months to develop and cost around $200,000 (man, that IS green). Kirwan said that the thinking behind the project was to find a way to really put recycled materials to the test. "A lot of these technologies were a huge leap of application, something that shows the material under a really demanding application." A racecar that runs on chocolate & leftovers. You’ll never look at your wife’s cooking the same. “Oh honey, it was delicious. I love it when you try new things. But I’ve gotta drive around town tomorrow with a client from work and…it would just save us a lot of money to use it for fuel instead. Mmm delicious though.”

On another note, I was flipping through the channels the other day…and stumbled upon “Back to the Future Part II” and it peeved me off. It’s 2010, which means 2015 is just around the corner. Where the hell are my flying cars? Hoverboards? Insta-dry jackets…er, life preservers or whatever? Electro-hypno knock-out rays (aka Jackpot Machine)? Arcade games where you don’t use your hands? (Big ups to pre-pubescent Elijah Wood - “You use your hands? That’s a baby’s toy”) Not only that…but unless there are about a dozen other Jaws movies in the works right now, I don’t think we’re going to get up to number 19 in time for the holographic 3-D theatre display. AND I STILL WANT AN AFFORDABLE DELORIAN (with flux capacitor option)!!! Granted, we do have a few things that were predicted in the movie…like the ability to watch six TV channels at once (sports fans know what I’m talking about), entire meals that almost magically appear out of microwaves (still working on the exact dimensions & speed for the public), for some reason we still use fax machines, and now we’re just starting with cars that run on trash & flat beer…but still waiting for all the cool stuff. As with most things, I blame Bush. And of course I mean the President (though the other HAS distracted many a great men from their studies since time was time). I’m just saying…get on the ball, scientists (and movie directors with those Jaws flicks).

Well, that’ll do it for tonight. By the way, since I know that you’re all thinking about it, Weber State IS my upset special pick for the NCAA Men’s Tournament next weekend. I’ve gotta represent for my team from the city of Ogden…being one who still has a number of academic AP credits there. Go Wildcats!!! Less than two days until my mama comes to visit. Ooooh happy daaaay!!! Have a great night everybody!!!