Ooh, Mystery Boxes

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Slept much better last night. Maybe it was the new pillows that I picked up while I was out grocery shopping. Maybe it was the boring lineup on TV throughout the night. Maybe I've regained control over my thought processes (doubtful). Whatever it was, it worked. Quite refreshed this morning…and yet another beautiful sunrise out my window helped to motivate me out of bed too. Have I mentioned that I love the view from my apartment? Okay, I thought I had once before…but I just wanted to make sure. Also, I had a pleasant surprise waiting for me when I got home from work. Three large and mysterious boxes from Bed, Bath & Beyond sitting at my door step. Had somebody heard my cries for new pillows yesterday and instantly anticipated my needs? Probably not. That's crazy, $teve. Why would they be in three gigantic boxes? Come on now. Well, there's only one way to find out…

They were belated Christmas presents from my mom. See, when she came for Thanksgiving, she was actually investigating my apartment to see what I needed to make it chic and stylish and have a good flow to it. What's it called? Feng shui or something? Anyway, she watches a LOT of HGTV so I'm glad that it finally worked to my benefit. Now I have a device that hangs my suit and presses my pants for me, a great three-headed serpentine lamp to light up my living room, a clock with three picture frames set into it and a few hexagon shelves to allegedly hang very small items on the wall (not sure how those'll be used…but maybe a Jesus action figure will be in one of them). Thanks mama!!! Can't wait to see ya next week. I'll try to have my house in order by then. Also, the phone thing is still in limbo. See, I'm on a family plan thing…and if I buy a new phone without getting a two-year plan, it's at least $250. The current plan expires next month…and we may be switching. Oh well, it'll get figured out one way or the other. Now for some news…

Hottie Bugatti - A rare Bugatti motor car, which has been parked in a garage gathering dust for nearly 50 years, is expected to fetch millions of pounds when it is auctioned next month. The 1937 Bugatti Type 57S Atalante was left in the lock-up in Newcastle, northeast England, by its owner Harold Carr in 1960 with just 26,000 miles on the odometer. The car, one of only 17 of its kind, remained untouched and was known to only a handful of enthusiasts until the surgeon's death in 2007. Media reports said it could fetch up to six million pounds ($8.7 million) when it is auctioned at Bonhams' Retromobile sale in Paris on February 7th, which would make it the most expensive car to go under the hammer. The car was originally owned by the first president of the British Racing Drivers' Club Earl Howe. James Knight, the head of Bonhams' motoring department said, "I have known of this Bugatti for a number of years and, like a select group of others, hadn't dared divulge its whereabouts to anyone. It is absolutely one of the last great barn discoveries." No doubt. I'd like to stumble upon a Bugatti going through my spring cleaning one year. Would I sell it for $8.7 million? If I thought that I couldn't get more…and then spread the wealth with the family and peeps. Maybe I'd get a McLaren or something to help with the separation pains of parting with a vehicle like that…but you're not going to find replacement parts for a Bugatti anyway…and you could get a six-pack of McLaren F1's and still have enough to buy a phat crib.

All Baristas Half Off - A one-time motel in a small central Maine town could soon be offering an eye-opening way to start the day — topless coffee shop waitresses. The Vassalboro Planning Board on Tuesday will consider a business permit request for a topless coffee shop on busy Route 3. The one-story building has also been the home to several other business ventures, most recently Mac Daddy's Pub at the Fat Cat Grille, which closed three or four years ago. Neighbors have mixed opinions. Some say Vassalboro is a rural town and that a topless coffee shop would bring the wrong crowd…but others say they'd like to see a business make a go of it there. Donald Crabtree of Ellsworth, who has applied for the business permit, told the Kennebec Journal that he didn't want to discuss his plan until after the planning board meets. I assume it's both a "patent pending" kind of thing as well as better to ask forgiveness than permission. My kind of businessman. "Oh really? I didn't know that was against the rules." Topless coffee shops? Finally a place where I can get a cup of coffee, ask for some sugar or cream and I'm not the only one that sees it as a double entendre. I haven't been to Maine yet. Perhaps this will convince me to make a trip up there when I got to JL Clyde & Filly's wedding in Vermont (still waiting for the invitation). A few cheap tails of lobster and a warm cup of coffee. "Damn it, I seem to have dropped my straw. Could you get that for me? Nice tattoo, by the way. What is that? A nymph perhaps?" Starbucks, you may want to get in on this. Might I suggest several establishments called "Starbucks: After Hours" to at least test it out. Might I also suggest a first location? Right here in Denver. If it works here, it'll work anywhere. More specifically, there's some retail space open across the street from my apartment. I could get you the phone number…and I think I'd make a pretty good revenue manager / bouncer in the late hours. Just saying, holla if ya hear me.

Baby Caps Sitter - Police say an angry 4-year-old Ohio boy grabbed a gun from a closet and shot his baby sitter. 18-year old Nathan Beavers (tehehe) was hospitalized Sunday with minor wounds to his arm and side after the shotgun attack. Police say another teen was also injured (side split open laughing?). Witnesses told police the child was angry because Beavers accidentally stepped on his foot. Beavers was watching the child at a mobile home in Jackson with several other teenagers and several other children. Jackson County Sheriff John Shashteen says authorities are investigating. The child has not been charged…but I'm guessing somebody's going to have to answer for how a four-year old can get to a shotgun. See? This is why I'm a big fan of spanking…well, one reason...and not just for me…but as a consequence of kids actin' a fool. Think about it. I got spanked a few times, learned my lesson, and I turned out pretty good. You know who wasn't spanked? George Bush. The defense rests. Hmm, I wonder if this kid had Grand Theft Auto IV. Maybe they'll try to blame it on the video game. That'd be sweet. It's been a few weeks since I heard of a court case that brought up video games corrupting young minds. Anyway, keep an eye on those tikes…and lock up your gats…or else…

Jail's Sexual Gorillas - An Australian court has issued a blunt warning about the sexual predators a young driver faces in jail if he does not stop speeding, as authorities struggle to stop teenagers street racing. "You'll find big, ugly, hairy strong men (in jail) who've got faces only a mother could love that will pay a lot of attention to you -- and your anatomy," said Magistrate Brian Maloney. The 19-year-old male appeared in Sydney's Downing Center Court on Monday charged with driving without a license, failing to stop at a police alcohol check point and driving dangerously. It was his third time before the courts for driving offences, prompting the magistrate's warning he would be jailed next time. Maloney barred the teenager from driving until 2013, placed him on a 12-month good behavior bond and ordered him to do 150 hours of community work. Breaching any of these conditions would see the teenager jailed where he would "shower with the gorillas in the mist down at Long Bay jail," said Maloney, his comments confirmed by the court on Tuesday. "Out of control" was the front page headline in Sydney's The Daily Telegraph newspaper on Tuesday for a story on four teenagers either booked for street racing, speeding, driving without a license or crashing their car and killing a passenger. The newspaper's editorial backed the magistrate's warning of life behind bars, saying his comments were "a vision in clarity" and gave the teenager "a reality check of his future." "We can only hope this strategy helps. Hope it ends the slaughter of young innocents on the roads through stupidity...," said the Telegraph. "Road safety has become a war zone and any tactics are permissible..." Police in the southern state of Victoria impounded 42 cars in the past six days after drivers were caught speeding. One driver, aged 78, was clocked in Melbourne on New Year's Day at 170 kph (105 mph) -- 70 kph (44 mph) over the limit. The 78-year-old was the "oldest hoon" in Victoria to have his car confiscated for speeding, local media said on Tuesday. "It is disappointing to see a senior member of our community being so irresponsible," Acting Police Sergeant Carlo Visser told Melbourne's Herald-Sun newspaper. "What example does this set for younger drivers?" said Visser.

Sorry, I read this article…and yeah, I'm not a big fan of street racing at all. Had a few friends pass by driving recklessly and stupidly and you have to be careful out there…but the first image that popped into my mind…was King Gorilla from the Venture Brothers cartoon…and the Monarch's Scared Straight Rant. "THERE! I JUST SOLD YOU FOR A CIGARETTE!" Wanna see it? Click the link. You'll laugh your ass off. So yeah, no street racing you Aussies.

That'll do it for today. Been a busy few weeks so I now I can try to get my house in order. I still haven't fully unpacked all my Christmas stuff yet, there's bills everywhere, my tree's still up, it's gonna take a little work…but it'll get done. I have the weekend off too…so we'll see. Not worried. It's not like I'm hosting any guests yet…though I did announce at work that one of my resolutions is to make Denver my new home now that I'm not out of town or working every weekend, so they've all been invited over for Movie Nights and Free Drinks. We'll see if that picks up business. Have a great day everybody!!!