Friday, January 23, 2009

Killface for President

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to start off by wishing a happy 50th birthday to my dad. That's right, FITTY!!! That's half a century!!! He has seen the 1950's…even if he doesn't remember a damn thing about them. I think he's technically a classic now. Anyway, he's the bestest dad ever and is always there for me when I need somebody to talk football or basketball with, need help with standard car maintenance, somebody to talk to, and you know…he's my dad. Last year I took him to Vegas for a Father's Day thing…so I don't know what to do for him this year (or if my stepmom will let him out of her sight with me again now that he's able to walk without crutches). We'll see. I've got a few months to mull it over. For his birthday though, I guess the best I can do today is sing him Happy Birthday over the phone…in my best Marilyn Monroe. Actually, because of the cold I guess it'd be more Barry White than Marilyn...but whatever. I think he'd appreciate it. Happy birthday dad!!!

I'm also feeling better today…because I know you were concerned. Big thanks to Lilie & her mom for leaving me some advice and fasting on water & juices for 24 hours. I did have a little food…but yeah, it's mostly liquids…and I was starving for lunch at work today. I guess that's a good sign, right? Man cannot live on cranberry juice & Nyquil alone. Oh…and I watched Season 2 of "Frisky Dingo" last night…and made it through the first half of "Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas" before struggling to stay awake…so I figured why fight it & went to bed…alone & trippin' balls. I dreamed that I was on vacation for a week…but was all worried about missing work because stuff had to be done…and that I think I missed my flight…but this trip didn't exist so how did I know I was missing my flight…and there was a panda on the loose…and yeah, just a normal run of the mill dream…with a little extra anxiety. I think there was a midget waiter too…but that might've been the movie. Anyway, happy 50th birthday again Dad!!! Sorry, just have to rub it in while I can.

50 Cent Update - Speaking of things that are 50, Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson's new production company, Cheetah Vision, is developing the drama "The Dance" reports Yahoo. The rapper will star as a boxer who goes to a Louisiana state prison and Nicolas Cage plays the founder of the prison's boxing program. Based on the true story of Billy "The Kid" Roth (Cage's character). But back to 50, who also soon stars in the drama/thriller "Streets of Blood" with Val Kilmer, Sharon Stone and the great Michael Biehn. He is currently filming the American remake of French thriller "13 Tzameti" which actually sounds like a pretty cool movie. Why? It's about a naive young man assumes a dead man's identity and finds himself embroiled in an underground world of power, violence, and chance where men gamble behind closed doors on the lives of other men…and stars Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Ray Winstone and Emmanuelle Chiriquí. He ALSO made his directorial debut on the film "Before I Self Destruct" which will be released with his new album in late March. Certainly a busy guy nowadays.

What luck? - A German teenager caught shoplifting tried to dupe police by lying about where he lived...but ended up in even more trouble when the address he gave turned out to be the home of an investigating officer. The 18-year-old from Achim, a town of 30,000 in northern Germany, admitted he had lied when the officer explained that the address belonged to him, said police in nearby Verden. A spokesperson said, "It was complete coincidence. The thief gave that address because he'd once lived in the house. The policeman was the guy who moved in afterwards." I can just imagine the surprise on the kid's face. "Oh yeah, I thought you looked familiar. Did you ever end up repainting the study?" Just be careful who you lie to…or at least have a convincing explanation…or distraction. "Dad, don't you recognize me? I'm your son. I'm come back from the year 2020 with a message." "What? That's impossible." "I know…but you gotta believe me. I know about the videos in the closet, your drinking problem, and everything else (pretty generic guesses) and I have an important message." "My God! What is it son?" "Ich bin Fleidermausman!!!" (poof of a smoke bomb as the 18-year old disappears into the mist of the Black Forest) "Quatsch!!!" By the way, the translation is "I am Batman" in case you were wondering…and "Quatsch" is the equivalent of "That's ridiculous!" according to a German textbook back in high school…but it sounds vulgar…and is pronounced "Kvotsch" or something like that. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

Well, since I spent last night tripping balls to "Fear & Loathing to Las Vegas" and I couldn't come up with a good list for Movies to Trip Balls To (though I may one day), I figured that I would do the next best thing…and Filly, you're welcome…

Johnny Depp Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Ed Wood (1994) - It's my list. Deal with it. This Tim Burton film about quite possibly the worst filmmaker in cinema history, the director / writer / producer / actor / caterer Edward J. Wood jr and his adventures making movies during the 1950's…is just fun to watch…at least for me. So many incredible performances by Martin Landau as Bela Lugosi ("PULL THE STRING!!! PULL THE STRING!!!") and Bill Murray as Bunny Breckenridge ("Call Boris Karloff a cocksucker") and the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker and Patricia Arquette. It's just a good time…and my favorite part…is when Ed Wood (Depp) has an idea…and his face just lights up as he looks skyward. We've all been there, right? I make sure to do that…at least twice a day when I have an idea. It gets me through the day. Not a big fan of the belly dancing scene…but I'm sure the ladies love it. If you haven't seen it, go check it out. Now. You'll thank me. Possibly.

Silver - Pirates of the Caribbean (2003) - Only the first one, the other two just got really stupid…but I was incredibly surprised with how good the first one was…seeing as it was based on a lame Disneyland ride. Still waiting for Space Mountain the Movie…or It's a Small World...or the sequel to Captain EO. Anybody else remember that? The original 3D adventure? It's just a good pirate adventure…and you can't not like pirate adventures, where there's swashbuckling, hard R sounds, gallons of rum and more booty than Beyonce & J-Lo combined. Geoffrey Rush is awesome in it too as Barbosa. The two sequels just sucked…but hey, they made money…which is a thousand times better than what "Cutthroat Island" did. You can't hate on that.

Bronze - Don Juan DeMarco (1995) - Again, my list…so deal with it. This is one of my favorite romantic comedies…because it's just a fun movie to watch…and I like to think that I'm as smooth as Don Juan when I want to be…and throw on the Spanish accent. I may not look like Johnny Depp (because they won't let me grow out my goatee at work) but still, I'm charming…and that goes pretty far. Anyway, great movie with Marlon Brando. This just beat out "Edward Scissorhands" (1990), "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" (2003) and just barely beat out "Blow" (2001) mostly because I didn't like the ending…and I would've "misplaced" Penelope Cruz like in the middle of Act Two. Learn from your gangster movies, women always bring you down in the end. See? Now you know why I prefer Don Juan over Blow…because Dr Love is all about the ladies.

Suggestion - Nick of Time (1995) - I'm pretty sure that most of you haven't seen this one…and that's why I suggest it. It's about a CPA (Depp) whose daughter is kidnapped at LA's Union Station by two mysterious people (Christopher Walken & Roma Maffia) and told that in about 90 minutes, he's going to assassinate the Governor of California (not Arnold) or else his daughter will be killed. What does he do? What can he do? Who does he go to for help? Great little flick. That's why I suggest it. Also, I would suggest "Benny & Joon" (1993) for the cool Charlie Chaplin tricks…and he doesn't talk much, "The Ninth Gate" (1999) for dealing with the Devil, "Finding Neverland" (2004) for a heartfelt tale of an eccentric (much like my blog), "Donnie Brasco" (1997) for undercover cop action with Al Pacino, and "The Astronaut's Wife" (1999) for one line - "Yeah, I killed your husband…and then I f**ked his wife." He's just been in a lot of great movies.

Flush It - Charlie & the Chocolate Factory (2005) - It just didn't need to be made. How is it any better than the original? It's not. In fact, I would say that Gene Wilder was a better Willy Wonka. That's right. I said it. Gene Wilder didn't dress like Freddie Mercury…and I like Freddie Mercury. That's all. It was hard to find a movie that I hated that he was in. It was either that…or the original "Nightmare on Elm Street" and there's no way that I'm flushing that horror masterpiece. I mean…the bed ATE him. What's Eating Gilbert Grape? The bed is. My apologies to Tim Burton as well…but at least you guys got paid to make this movie.

Future Watch - Public Enemies (July 1st) - Michael Mann directs the tale of legendary gangsters John Dillinger (Depp), Baby Face Nelson (Stephen Graham?) and Pretty Boy Floyd (Channing Tatum) and how the FBI hunted them…I'm guessing "Heat" meets "The Untouchables" style. Who are the Feds? How about Christian Bale as Melvin Purvis and Billy Crudup as J. Edgar Hoover? Also starring Giovanni Ribisi, Leelee Sobieski and Stephen Dorff. Should be a good one. Also out this year is "The Imaginarium Of Dr Parnassus" (2009) where he and half of Hollywood it seems stepped in to help play Heath Ledger's character after his untimely death. Also gonna admit, I'm excited about Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (2010) where Depp's gonna of course play the Mad Hatter (wait for the Batman sequel announcement too) and about "The Rum Diary" (2010) where he's rumored to play author Hunter S. Thompson as he chronicles the adventures of lost souls in the Caribbean bent on self-destruction…but what a way to go. Sounds like "Fear & Loathing" meets "Pirates" so it can't be bad, right? Oh yeah…and on the whole rumor mill there's also the alleged "Sin City 3" (2012?) but I'd settle for Sin City 2 before any of that happens. Damn it Frank Miller, make it happen. It's gonna be great…and you'll make me and most of America happy.

That'll do it for today. We'll see how I feel later if I'm gonna make it to the gym for the first time in a week or so…but I may just pack it in for the night and make sure that I get better. Apparently it's a cold that's been going around the office for a week or so…and it was my turn. Oh well, don't want to waste the weekend being miserable, you know? Maybe I just need to sleep in tomorrow morning and that'll do it. Hope you enjoyed today's entry. Oh...and I may have a Movie Night this weekend because some of my coworkers wanted to see "Saw 5" and it was next on my Netflix (don't judge me) so they wanted to check it out...on the projector with surround sound...and a full bar...for free. How is this so hard to see to these Coloradoans or Coloradoites or whatever they're called? Have a great weekend everybody!!!


JLee said...

Sorry you haven't been feeling well :(
I love Johnny Depp and the roles he picks. Did you like The Ninth Gate? That was pretty good. Anyway, I MIGHT be coming to your town soon, so I'll let you know and maybe visit!

$teve said...

Thanks Jlee, yeah, I really liked the Ninth Gate. Frank Langella's one of those creepy guys that can really pull off a Satanist.

Let me know if you make your way to Denver, it'll be a meeting of blog awesomeness. :)

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