Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Best Job in the World

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

The one fear that I have about cooking in my apartment…is that the ventilation isn't the best. There's an antique fan on an antique microwave above the stove…which upon the "hand in front of the grill" test only seems to suck in the bad way…and then there's the 8" by 36" slit window on the far corner of the living room about twenty feet away that opens about four inches (so nobody tries to jump out the windows from the 34th floor apparently). Now, when I'm making cookies or baking a pizza or something, this isn't a concern because there's no smoke or anything…but when I'm frying up a wok or grilling some turkey burgers, I'm always freaked out that I'm going to be that dumbass that burns the popcorn in the microwave and causes the entire building to evacuate…and just because a little cooking oil fell on the stove top. Hopefully that never happens…but if it does, then I'll recommend to the apartment complex that they change out the fans in the kitchen…because I'm gonna learn to cook better dammit!!! It's a New Year's Resolution…or at least it should be.

I also watched "Definitely, Maybe" last night starring Ryan Reynolds, Elizabeth Banks, Isla Fischer, Kevin Kline and Rachel Weisz. It's one of those romantic comedies from the makes of "Love Actually" (which I really like) and "Notting Hill" (which I didn't care for) so there was about a 50-50 chance…but usually anything with Ryan Reynolds is pretty good…and Rachel Weisz is easy to look at (I have a thing for brunettes with horn-rimmed glasses too). Basically the story is that a young girl just had sex education day at school (she's in like 5th or 6th grade) and her parents are going through a divorce…but it's her dad's (Reynolds) day to pick her up…so he gets to field all the questions that she has. Anyway, the daughter insists that he tell her the story of how he & mommy got together…in hopes that it rekindles the flame of their romance…or at least answers a few questions. The story involves three women, several proposals, Bill Clinton, a lot of breakups & screw-up's, Jane Eyre, and a few hilarious moments…but yeah, it's a chick flick. I liked it though. For a chick flick, it was watchable…because it was rated PG-13 for language, adult situations, and SMOKING. I kid you not. I think it's funny that Smoking is a negative thing on MPAA ratings. Not even smoking of the herb, just smoking. They discuss how expensive cigarettes are…and that's apparently pretty evil for children. Anyway, I'd say check it out…if you like these kind of movies.

I seriously can't wait for that day with my niece Kairi. "SEX IS EVIL & WRONG & PAINFUL & YOU SHOULD NEVER DO IT EVER!!!" "So why did I hear you talking with that lady on the phone about...?" "Because ugh...I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON, OKAY? I'M MASOCHISTIC!!! A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT…AND SHE'S MY THERAPIST!!! I'm sorry that you had to find out this way, sweetie!!! Want some ice cream?" I don't care if she has a different opinion of me in that respect. If she comes to me at ten years old asking about that stuff, the next stop on my errands list is the school to pimpslap the teacher…and maybe a few students while I'm at it. Another reason I liked this movie…was because I had a similar situation. No, I didn't go to my parents on Sex Education Day and ask them all the questions, my dad had been telling me about that stuff since I was about eight years old. However, it wasn't until well into my teens that I heard the back stories about my parent's relationship. If you haven't had this discussion with your parents before…and really want to see them squirm, then I suggest asking them…but do yourself a favor…and ask them separately…and see if their stories match up. Now, with my parents being divorced when I was 13, that part was easy…but it took them a few years to tell me the truth about it. Interesting. I'm gonna spare you the details…but yeah, I would recommend it. You may just find out that your parents were average people just like you once…and it was probably a good thing that kids mellowed them out. Anyway, enough about that stuff…here's the news...

Crazy Christmas - A New Hampshire couple accused of assaulting each other over an unappreciated Christmas gift have been ordered to stay away from each other. 24-year old Randi Young and 26-year old Heath Blom were arrested on Christmas day. Police said the pair argued after Blom complained about getting a Wii game system from Young instead of the remote control airplane he asked for. When Young started to leave, Blom allegedly grabbed her by the hair and she turned around and hit him. In court Monday, Young asked that the no-contact order be lifted, saying they just had a bad Christmas…but the judge denied the request. I'm not much of a gambling man…but I'll bet there was alcohol involved. Look, you got a Wii…and from what I understand, that's super sweet. (I have never played the Wii) Sure, it's no PS3…but still, you had something even better than that…a girlfriend who braved the Christmas craziness to go to Wal-Mart, buy you a video game system, which would detract attention from her for YOUR benefit, and cares about you. What more could you really want? Apparently you just don't appreciate the gifts you've been given…and I feel a little sorry for your dumb ass, Mr. Blom. Oh well, enjoy the cold winter weather by your lonesome. Maybe you still have a buddy that'll play Mario Tennis with you.

Drunk Driving PSA - Police in Covina, California said a man has been arrested on suspicion of drunken driving after he crashed head-on into a hearse taking a body to a funeral with a sheriff's deputy watching. Sgt. Ray Marquez said the Los Angeles County deputy pulled up behind a car Saturday and said the driver appeared unconscious as he sat idling at a green light. The deputy tapped on the driver's window...and the car immediately surged through the intersection into oncoming traffic and hit the hearse. Marquez says no one was injured. He said an 18-year-old was arrested, cited, and released later Saturday. Marquez then said a replacement hearse arrived to take the body to its destination...a funeral at a nearby church. Where to begin with this story? The kid was eighteen, either drunk or narcoleptic, spazzed when the officer tapped on his window, slammed on the gas, through a red light, into an intersection, into a hearse, on its way to a funeral, fully loaded…and most surprisingly, he was arrested, cited and released in time to get some pancakes. Ladies & gentlemen, PLEASE don't drive drunk. I mean…think of the people following the hearse watching this go down. "Poor Uncle Jimmy. He died too young. I told him he should've jogged and stopped eating all that bologna…what the f**k? It's a green light. GO!!!" "It looks like somebody crashed into the hearse up ahead." "(Moment of shock) Or Jimmy's come back for the money I owe him. LET GET OUTTA HERE!!! THE DEAD'S RISIN' FROM THE GRAVE!!!" Okay, so maybe that's just me…but still, don't drink and drive…either consecutively or simultaneously. It's just not safe…and I love you guys & gals too much to see something bad happen to ya.

Traditional Marriage - Police have arrested a Greenfield, California man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, one hundred cases of beer and several cases of meat. Police said they only learned of the deal after the 36-year-old man went to them to get his daughter back because payment wasn't made as promised. The man was arrested Sunday on suspicion of human trafficking. Officers also arrested an 18-year-old man on suspicion of statutory rape. Investigators believe the girl went willingly with the man but she's under California's legal age of consent and can't legally marry. Police say arranged marriages involving underage girls have become a problem in this small Central Coast farming community. Now, there are two sides to the argument…and allow me to play both. First off, there's obviously the "She's a 14-year old human being and can't be sold by her father to the highest bidder" side which says…well, she's a 14-year old human being…and can't be sold by her father (or anyone). Then again, if you look throughout history, this isn't an uncommon thing. In fact, we're kind of the exception. About three-quarters of the world still practices this form of bartering or arranged marriage. Why? Think about American culture for a second, what does the Father of the Bride get? The BILL!!! He spends at least 18 years of his life working & scraping away to get her everything she's ever desired…except maybe the pony. Raised her, taught her right from wrong, and seen her blossom from a little bud into a beautiful flower…and then some douche with tattoos and a nose ring comes along and coaxes her into marrying him over a weekend in Vegas…then he has to pay for everything at the wedding…including the damn gold shiny napkin rings and a dress she's gonna wear once that costs more than BOTH of his trucks. F**k that!!! I say take the ESPN approach…and see what she's worth on the trading block. Instead of seeing if your star shooting guard's worth a few future draft picks and some cash before he becomes a free agent at the end of the year…it's seeing if your daughter's ring finger is worth $16,000, a hundred cases of beer and some meat before she can legally marry on her own. It's like Eddie Griffin said, "The biggest pimp on planet her mama." Why shouldn't it be her daddy? Also, just out of curiosity, was he REALLY expecting an 18-year old kid to give him the equivalent of about $30,000 (depending on the brand of beer)? What kind of 18-year old has that kind of cash? Anyway, I've said my two sides of the argument…and the law's pretty damn simple when it comes to this stuff…so yeah, I expect the father & son-in-law to get to know each other pretty well while the daughter is raised by the system. Unless of course, the son-in-law can negotiate his way out of jail by offering the judge some beer & sausage…but we'll see.

Best Job in the World - An Australian state has launched a global search for candidates for "the best job in the world" -- earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful tropical island for six months. The job pays 150,000 Australian dollars (about $105,000) and includes free airfares from the successful applicant's home country to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef, Queensland's state government announced on Tuesday. In return, the "island caretaker" will be expected to stroll the white sands, soak up the sun, snorkel the reef, "maybe clean the pool" and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates (hmm, already have experience in that stuff). The winner, who will stay rent-free in a multi-million dollar three-bedroom beach home complete with plunge pool and golf buggy must be an excellent communicator and be able to speak and write English. "They'll also have to talk to media from time to time about what they're doing so they can't be too shy and they'll have to love the sea, the sun, the outdoors," said acting state Premier Paul Lucas. "The fact that they will be paid to explore the islands of the Great Barrier Reef, swim, snorkel and generally live the Queensland lifestyle makes this undoubtedly the best job in the world." Lucas said the campaign was part of a drive to protect the state's 18 billion Australian dollar a year tourism industry during the tough economic climate caused by the global financial meltdown. While the campaign has elements of some reality television shows, a candidate's looks will not be a prime requirement, Tourism Queensland chief executive Anthony Hayes told AFP. "No, I don't think beautiful is what we want, I think charismatic is what we want. The reality is we are looking for a fantastic communicator. What we want this person to do is travel throughout the Great Barrier Reef and just try every experience, every adventure they can find and report back via blogs and video to tell the world why Queensland is a great place to come for a holiday." Tourism Minister Desley Boyle said some people might question whether it was risky to let an unknown person become an unofficial tourism spokesperson for the state. "I think the biggest risk will be that the successful candidate won't want to go home at the end of the six months. This is a legitimate job which is open to anyone and everyone." Applications are open until February 22. Eleven shortlisted candidates will be flown to Hamilton Island in early May for the final selection process (caged death match?) and the six month contract will commence on July 1st. Now, I like my current job…but I'll keep you all posted if I become this spokesperson for Hamilton Island. You'd all come and visit me in Australia, right? Who knows, with an annual salary of $200,000 I think I could fly a few of you out there. Wish me luck, huh?

Well, I'd better get to filling out the application and planning my promotional video, so I'll end it there. Not much on the plate today…but I think I'll do some grocery shopping in preparation for my mom & aunt coming in TWO DAYS!!! Have a great day everybody!!!


A.P. said...

You are watching "Definitely, Maybe" ?!?!? you need a hobby my freind.

$teve said...

Believe me, I know. I need a friend for my hobby...preferably a hottie that's into tall guys. :)

Don't judge me

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