Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Free Stuff From Dr Love

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Movie Night was a complete success. Even after a last minute business meeting came up, we just postponed it a few hours…and then Boss Lady K & I watched "Saw V" and had a great time. Oh…and in case you were wondering, yes she was thoroughly impressed by the bachelor pad, complete with projector, surround sound, super comfortable couch, fully stocked bar, no visible pornography and of course…she was most impressed with the VIEW. Now, I thought that because she just lived across the hall, it wouldn't be a big deal…but she looked out the window, gasped, swore at me a little…but in a polite manner, and said, "I've gotta talk to Lauren (lady I pay checks to) about getting one of these views when they come open." Apparently, she looks at the tower on the same block…and after hours sometimes, some of the cleaning crew do…things they shouldn't be doing. Oh well, anyway, the view comes through again…and she's already talking about future Movie Nights because I apparently have "The Ultimate Setup" at my place. She doesn't even know about the PS3, massive collection of movies, full fridge or…the bedroom with massive walk-in closet. She's already afraid that when her husband moves here in March that we're gonna be best friends and she'll never see him again. Now if only I could figure out how to get the cable to work with my system in time for the Super Bowl on Sunday…so that I can provide more complimentary entertainment.

So yeah, we watched "Saw V" which…was pretty much what you would expect from the previous four movies…and the dozen or so that they'll continue to do before they get tired of it & it's no longer profitable. Oh yeah…Boss Lady K & I were also big fans of the "Scream Queens" reality TV show that was on VH1 were they had about a dozen actresses trying out for a starring role in "Saw VI" coming out…in probably six months…and while Angela (the superhottie with magnificent eyes & severe emotional problems) was my favorite, though she finished 3rd I think, her favorite was the childhood actress who finished 2nd…but we both didn't like the winner…so we talked about that a bit. Anyway, watching Roman Numeral Five, the reason I mention that…is I've decided that there was an actress in this movie that must've won a contest or something. It's the girl who played an assistant FBI agent or something (I think played by Sheila Shah) and yeah, she's easy on the eyes with her glasses…but she walks in, the dialogue is never more than one line, poorly delivered, and then she exits stage right. I found it quite hilarious. Anyway, now try not to focus on that now when you watch it…because I know you will. As for the story, just watch it…and don't worry if you haven't seen the previous four, it covers them in a haphazardly way…and it has all the gory deaths and twisted mind games that you expect from the series. Or watch "Horton Hears a Who" if you're not into that. There's my free movie review.

Speaking of scary, I got a call from my brother last night before Movie Night started. I know I'm gonna have to hold back laughter whenever the conversation starts, "Dude, I have to ask you a serious question." Now over the past few years, the immediate question has progressed from "Where can I buy faucet filters?" to "What do you think about (girlfriend)?" to "Should I marry her?" to "Where's a good place to stash a body?" but last night's was kind of expected. "If I were to move out to Denver, could I stay at your place until I got settled?" I didn't really know how to react at first, more specifically, what to mention first. Should I start out by showing concern as to why he would possibly be considering a move to Denver, a city he's never been to? Do I tell him that I currently live in a one-bedroom just big enough for a bachelor and a ladyfriend, not two bachelors and two babies? Do I mention that he doesn’t have a job…and I can barely afford to pay for my bills…and there really isn't anybody hiring in the immediate timeframe? Do I tell him that he's already got a sweet gig where he's at (with my mom paying for everything) and to mess that up would seriously kick him in the ass…because he's never had to pay for anything in his 25+ years on this planet? Do I sum it all up by just saying "That's f**king stupid. You haven't thought this through, have you?" Well, that's kind of the path it took…and yeah, it was basically him asking, "If I had to run off with the kids for some worst-case scenario that has a one-in-a-million likelihood, would you help a brother out?" Of course I will…until you make me regret it. Anyway, then I changed the subject to the new Underworld prequel that he saw…and he talked about that for 45 minutes while I texted JL Clyde & Lilie with an occasional "Uh-huh", "Really? That's cool." Anyway, he's not moving out to Denver…and as always, I'm there with a free shoulder to cry on...even though I may multitask at the time if you're just rambling about vampires and werewolves and their spats...and here's some news…

Free NYC Hotel Stay - A London couple visiting the Big Apple have settled into their hotel room…but are under the eyes of thousands of pedestrians and motorists. Duncan Malcolm and Katherine Lewis are receiving a complimentary five-day stay at Manhattan's Roger Smith Hotel in exchange for guesting in a replica of one of the hotel's rooms on the ground floor of a nearby building. As part of the agreement, the couple must keep the curtains on the room's large glass windows open between 4:30 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. until Friday, allowing passers-by to watch them. The hotel partnered with the Real Live Billboards company, which stages live events for advertising and promotional purposes. In December, heavyweight boxer Tor Hamer was featured in the hotel's storefront window exchanging punches with his trainer. "Come to the Roger Smith…for knockout prices." Sorry, I just thought of Rocky II where Rocky does all those corny commercials…but can't talk no good. You really have to be careful with who you select for a free stay like that. This may just be the exhibitionist in me talking…but if I'm traveling overseas…and I'm in a nice hotel room…and part of a couple…and I'm forced to be in a hotel for three hours during prime napping time…then my lady & I may become a little bored…and show passerbys how soft, yet responsive the bedsprings are…or how spacious and versatile the shower is…or how strong the walls and/or windows are…and how the carpet is specifically designed to reduce rug burn. We may leave the room at 7:30 for dinner to a standing ovation. Real Live Billboards, next time you have something like this going on, keep me in mind. Remember, sex sells.

Working for Gratis - Some workers at Mr. B's Pancake House in Muskegon, Michigan found a sweet way to help out their boss and the workplace they love. With customer traffic down a bit lately, lead server Mary VanDam asked co-workers if they might be willing to work a shift without wages to help out owner Dave Barham. The 17 servers, cooks, busboys, dishwashers, cashiers and hostesses who worked the day shift on January 18th received only tips for compensation. "This is a wonderful business. We want to see it succeed," VanDam, 51, told The Muskegon Chronicle for a story published Tuesday. When customers heard about the workers' effort, they tipped a little more. The shift's workers divided the gratuities equally and each took home $51. "Isn't that something?" Barham asked. He said he doesn't want people to get the impression his business is doing poorly, but "it's tight for everyone all over." VanDam said Barham met his payroll more than once by dipping into his own pockets. All 31 of the restaurant's workers had volunteered, but they agreed the no-wage effort would be for one shift. "We wish we could have saved him $5,000. We wanted to give back to him, lighten the load a little." That's a sweet notion. The recession has led to a lot of cutting back…but this is a nice story. I don't plan on volunteering like this any time soon…unless my apartment complex decides to gimme free rent for a month…but still, it's nice. Best part of this story? It involves pancakes. Sweet, delicious pancakes. Stacks and stacks of 'em.

Money for Nothing & Cello Scrotum? - "Cello scrotum," a nasty ailment allegedly suffered by musicians, does not exist and the condition was just a hoax, a senior doctor has admitted. Back in 1974, in a letter to the British Medical Journal, Elaine Murphy reported that cellists suffered from the painful complaint caused by their instrument repeatedly rubbing against their body. Apparently, they really love their instruments. The claim had been inspired by reports in the BMJ about the alleged condition guitar nipple, caused by irritation when the guitar was pressed against the chest…but Murphy, now a Baroness and a former Professor of Psychiatry of Old Age at Guy's Hospital in London, has admitted her supposed medical complaint was a spoof. "Perhaps after 34 years it's time for us to confess we invented cello scrotum," she wrote with her husband John, who had signed the original letter, which was published in the BMJ on Wednesday. "Anyone who has ever watched a cello being played would realize the physical impossibility of our claim." Murphy, who said the couple had been "dining out" on their story ever since they made it up, said they had decided to reveal the hoax after it was referred to in a recent BMJ article on health problems associated with making music. She also said she suspected "guitar nipple" had been a joke. They all sound like side effects from Prescott pharmaceuticals advertised on the Colbert Report. "Vein seizures, monkey lung, brain tooth, wandering genital syndrome, pituitary ferns, involuntary Narnia dreams, and re-emergence of the umbilical cord." Proof that doctors can just randomly make sh*t up and we'll accept it. Attention all you Lying Doctors out there, I'll see you in Health!!! Oh…and apparently the real cause of cello scrotum…and unhygienic cellist groupies. Oh yeah, they're out there. I've seen 'em…and that's why I play guitar. Nipples intact thus far. Probably cause of Guitar Nipple: Nibblers turn Biters. Keep them away from your scrotum.

Free Legal Advice - A San Diego judge has declared a mistrial in a kidnapping and assault case after the defendant smeared excrement on his lawyer's face and threw it at jurors. The judge boosted defendant Weusi McGowan's bail from $250,000 to $1 million after the Monday incident. Prosecutor Christopher Lawson says McGowan was upset because the judge refused to remove public defender Jeffrey Martin from the case. McGowan had smuggled a bag of feces into court ("They're ugh…brownies?") and spread it on Martin's hair and face before flinging the excrement at jurors. No jurors were hit. McGowan has pleaded not guilty to kidnapping for robbery, assault with a deadly weapon and other counts in connection with a 2007 home invasion. Why is this story important? Because poop is funny. Especially when you cross a poop joke…with a lawyer joke. "Habeas corpus? That's Habeas Crapus!!! (Fling)"

Anyway, that'll do it for today's complimentary pleasures. Being a non-profit gigolo, I know a thing or two about them…and I just thought that I'd share them with you…on a pretty consistent daily basis. Tonight, I go to the gym, have a good workout, cook me a nice dinner (that I'll probably eat for the next week), maybe see some of the late night cleaning crew in the adjacent tower if I can convince Boss Lady K to invite me over, we'll see. Have a great night everybody!!!

P.S. Tomorrow is Boss Man J's birthday (just found out). What should I get the Boss Man for a birthday present? Usually the only guys I get birthday presents for are my dad, brother and Wingman…and lap dances seem to be much appreciated…but in this case, that just wouldn't work…nor is it work appropriate. Suggestions?

P.P.S. If you're wondering what to get me for my birthday in three months…might I suggest a lap dance?

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