Tebow Turns Water to Wine

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I’m a little angry today…but only because I got a bill for $80 for power to an apartment. Why am I angry about it? It's from the hellhole apartment that I haven't lived in for over two months…with late fees and other crap thrown in…during the winter months…when nobody was in there except maybe my landlord (who apparently finally found my forwarding address). Oh well, God-damn the whole lot of them. I'm certain that I called to terminate my services at that place…but whatever. They can all suckiteasy. Besides, I got $250 cash from a lovely lady yesterday…so I'm not stressed over it. Why did she give me cash? Because Dr. Love isn't cheap…and he charges by the hour. Okay, so it was really because we decided to split a $500 bonus check saying that I referred her to the apartments that I live in…but still, I ain't cheap. Still not sure what's going on with the phones yet…but I'm not stressed about that either. Thanks to all of you who have replied to my emails and requests for phone numbers and apparently still want me to be in contact with you. Much Love.

WWTTD? What would Tim Tebow do? Seriously, this guy…is just unreal. Forget that he's a Heisman winning quarterback, two-time National champion (should be co-champ with Utah this year) and amazing athlete. He's also a nice guy, has that Southern charm, is always polite & courteous in interviews, never has a bad thing to say about anybody, even if they're calling him out and trying to get a rise out of him, loves Jesus, has gone on a bunch of missions with his family to Croatia, Thailand, the Philippines, Mars, wherever, can walk on swamp water, and is basically just an inspiring figure to be a better person and do more for others. Oh…and the ladies tell me he's quite a looker too. I don't see it…but that's probably a good thing. You seriously can't say a bad thing about this guy. He's one of those guys that you want to sign a huge multi-million dollar contract to play football…because you know he's just going to give most of it to start schools and hospitals in Afrika and help rebuild Bangladesh or inner-city programs across the U.S. Heck, he's probably a med student and is devoting his off-time to finding a cure for cancer. Maybe there's something to that whole home school thing. Damn you, Tim Tebow!!! You've raised the bar!!! Oh well, guess I just have to step my game up. Congratulations to the Florida Gators for being the 2nd best team in college football this year!!!

Anyway, I'm in a better mood now. A coworker came in with her brand new baby…and the whole department descended upon it in a barrage of goo-goo noises and sighs whenever the baby made a noise because he just made doody in his daipie. When does that stop being cute? If I were to make a little "Ugh…uh-oooooh…" noise and crap my pants, I would be the subject of ridicule and would incur some kind of disciplinary action from human resources, at least a discussion about my health and/or hygiene. However, this kid does it…and the girls are putty in his stubby fingers. When does it stop being cute? Eight months? A year? The first time you have to change the daipie? I don't know. It amused me…and thus put me in a better mood. That and it was Chicken Cordon Bleu, Mahi Mahi & Ice Cream day for lunch at work. Here's some news…

Panda Update - A panda with a record of aggressive behavior attacked a man who jumped into its enclosure at a Beijing zoo to pick up a toy, local media said on Thursday. The nine-year-old panda, Gugu (as in the Sasquatch greeting "Goonie Gugu"), bit the man on his legs but was driven away by a zoo worker brandishing a broom. The man, who jumped into the enclosure to retrieve a toy dropped by a child, was taken to hospital and given a rabies shot, but his injuries were light. This was not the first time Gugu has bitten somebody. Twice before he has attacked people who climbed in to his cage, one of whom was drunk and the other who was simply curious, the newspaper added. Does anybody else consider people that get attacked at zoos a form of "thinning the herd"? "Oh no!!! My daughter Ling Ling dropped her panda plush toy. I'd better jump into the cage containing the GIANT panda BEAR with TEETH & CLAWS to get it. I'm not wasting another hundred Yuan on a new one." I'm also a little concerned that he got a rabies shot. Can you imagine it? A Panda bear with rabies? Then you could promote something like "Who would win in a fight? A Grizzly bear with a broken heart…or a Panda with rabies?" Record pay-per-view numbers in Asia. Anyway, I guess the point of this story is…don't feed the bears…especially yourself. Because if they had the chance, they'd eat you and everybody you care about.

No Takesy-Backseys - A Long Island surgeon embroiled in a nearly four-year divorce proceeding wants his estranged wife to return the kidney he donated to her, although he says he'll settle for $1.5 million in compensation. Dr. Richard Batista, a surgeon at Nassau University Medical Center, told reporters at his lawyer's Long Island office Wednesday that he decided to go public with his demand for kidney compensation because he has grown frustrated with the negotiations with his estranged wife. He claimed he has been prevented from seeing their children, ages, 8, 11 and 14, for months at a time. "This is my last resort; I did not want to do this publicly," Batista said. He said he gave his kidney to Dawnell Batista, now 44, in June 2001. She filed for divorce in July 2005, although he claims she began having an extramarital affair 18 months to two years after receiving the kidney transplant, his attorney Dominick Barbara said. Douglas Rothkopf, the attorney representing Dawnell Batista, did not return telephone calls seeking comment. Matrimonial attorneys were quick to shoot down any possibility Batista would succeed. "I've been in this business over 40 years and I've never heard of that," said Seymour J. Reisman, a Long Island divorce lawyer. "It's not marital property, not a marital asset you can put a price tag on." (Tell that to a surgeon!) Manhattan attorney Susan Moss said, "The good doctor is out of luck and out a kidney. This is similar to cases where a husband wants to be repaid for the cost of breast implants and the such. Our judges are not willing to value such assets, so to speak." Batista, 49, said he has no regrets about donating the kidney, only about the failed marriage. The couple was married in 1990 and lived in a million-dollar home in Massapequa. They met while he was working at a hospital and she was training to be a nurse. He still recalls the day after the surgery took place. "There is no greater feeling on this planet. As God is my witness, I felt as if I could put my arm around Jesus Christ. It was an unbelievable; I was walking on a cloud. To this day I would still do it again." But probably just give her the bad kidney this time. It's horrible to see Love go awry…and children kept from a parent for months at a time merely out of spite…and all that divorce nonsense…plus throwing in a kidney transplant. By the way, my brother & sister-in-law are off again. Have been for a few days…but I don’t have a phone. See? Sometimes it's nice not being reachable. Just kidding, I hope you guys work it out…or whatever.

Could the Cure for PTSD be Tetris? - Tetris, one of the most popular video games ever, could help reduce flashbacks among people with post-traumatic stress disorder. A study of healthy volunteers who played the falling-blocks game for 10 minutes a half hour after viewing traumatic images of injury, including advertisements highlighting the dangers of drunk driving, showed that 20 game-playing subjects had significantly fewer flashbacks to those scenes in the following week than the 20 subjects who saw the images but didn't play the game. The game may disrupt the memories that are retained of the sights and sounds witnessed at the time, and which are later re-experienced through involuntary, distressing flashbacks of that moment, the Oxford University researchers say. No conclusions can be drawn more generally for computer gaming and its effects…but other research has shown other benefits of playing video games: Playing action video games can improve your eyesight. Also, some teachers are using the video game "World of Warcraft" to help challenging students improve their communication skills. The finding could help clinicians find ways to intervene right after trauma to prevent or lessen the flashbacks that are the hallmark of PTSD. Currently, treatments are only provided once PTSD has become established. The study results are detailed in the online, peer-reviewed journal PLoS ONE. "This is only a first step in showing that this might be a viable approach to preventing PTSD," said Dr. Emily Holmes of the Department of Psychiatry at Oxford University, who led the work. "This was a pure science experiment about how the mind works from which we can try to understand the bigger picture. There is a lot to be done to translate this experimental science result into a potential treatment."

Have you ever wondered how memories are retained? Well, the Tetris approach relies on three elements, Holmes said. First, the mind is considered to have two separate channels of thought: one is sensory and deals with our direct perceptual experience of the world; the other is conceptual and draws meaning and narrative from our experiences to give them context. For example, we would use one channel to see and hear someone talk and the other to comprehend the meaning of what they were saying. Second, there appear to be limits to our abilities in each stream: it is difficult to hold a conversation while doing math problems, for example. And third, there is a short time after an event in which it is possible to interfere with the way our memories are retained in the brain. The Oxford team reasoned that recognizing the shapes and moving the colored building blocks around in Tetris soon after seeing traumatic events should compete with the visions of trauma to be retained in the sensory part of the brain. The narrative and meaning of the events should be unaffected. There's more in the article…but yeah, this is pretty common knowledge I would think. I mean…have you ever tried to ask somebody a question while they're playing video games? "Hey dude, what kind of pizza do you want to get?" "I ugh…I don't know. Orange chicken?" "What? Dude! Pizza!" "Oh yeah, hold on a sec, I can't pause. I'm online. F**k you, biaaaaatch!!!" "Well, f**k you too I'll just order my own damn pizza then." "No man, I just totally capped this guy who was posted up in a corner. You're cool." Yeah…and I'm sure parents have plenty of tales where they tell somebody to take out the garbage…but it just doesn't get comprehended. It's kind of the same thing. The only thing that you have to be careful about is the selection of video games. Yeah, Tetris and Ms. Pac Man may work out pretty well…but I wouldn't recommend Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare or Halo or Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Vegas or anything like that. Might have an undesirable effect.

Well, that'll do it for today. Guess I'm going to be paying $80 to some douche because another douche didn't cut the power to a douchy tenement that some douche was renting out while I was living the sweet life here in Denver. Oh well, at least they can't get a hold of me by phone. Again, please send me your phone numbers and/or addresses and/or birthdays. I've decided that I'm going to make a real life phone book so that I can avoid this stuff if I lose my phone in Amsterdam or something once I get my passport renewed. Have a great day everybody!!!