RIP Chef

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,


Did anybody else catch the Spurs / Lakers game last night? Great game…and the Spurs won. That's all. More excited about my mom coming to town tomorrow, my new phone that she'll be bringing, a weekend of adult fun with her and my aunt, the possibility of T.O. being released by the Cowboys because he's a douche…and the Eagles going on to the Super Bowl. Super excited about all of it. Also did some more cooking, mixed vegetables and chicken with teriyaki sauce (hadn't been used yet). Pretty good if I say so myself. I'm starting to get a knack for this cooking thing. Did I ever mention that I took one of those personality tests my sophomore year of college (almost 8 years ago now) that matches your personality with what occupation would be best for you. At the time, I was an Engineering major…and just wasn't feeling it. Yeah, the math and stuff was easy to do…but I just didn't have any Passion for it…and didn't want to do that for the next 40-50 years (though the money wasn't bad). So I took the test…and basically, the Bottom 5 occupations for me…were basically Engineering, Physics and Accounting type occupations that I was studying for…even beating out jobs like Assistant Crack Whore, oddly enough. However, the Top 5 occupations that matched my personality were…

1. Chef


2. Travel Agent


3. Teacher


4. Psychologist


5. Gigolo / Man-Whore
   

Okay, so #5 was a lie…but still, I was surprised at the time that Professional Basketball Player, Game Show Host, Movie Director and Bank Robber weren't among them…because that's what I really wanted to be at the time. Very surprised that Chef was #1 because…well, I could do a few desserts at the time…but you can't really screw those up. I was living off microwave pizzas and my stepmom's cooking at the time (swung by after work to pick up leftovers…and they basically just started cooking extra for me). Now, I don't know. I'm liking the cooking thing. It's not going to ever be my profession (unless I’m forced to work at Burger King in this recession) but definitely a hobby…especially if I have no friends to fill my free time. Anyway, here's the news…with strippers, Steve McQueen and bank robbing…like a movie I would make...




Stripper Idol - "American Idol" wants an Austin, Texas strip club to take it off. Oh yeah, I went there. The company that owns the popular television show sued in federal court to stop the weekly "Stripper Idol" contest at Palazio Men's Club. FremantleMedia North America also wants to seize Palazio's profits from the amateur stripping contest. In its lawsuit against Palazio, FremantleMedia calls "Stripper Idol" a trademark violation that could mislead the public to think the TV show sponsors the event (See? Proof that they think you're simple). Advertisements for the stripping contest use a logo with a "color scheme, design and font" similar to the TV show's. Waitresses at the club also wear T-shirts emblazoned with the logo, according to the lawsuit, which alleges "Defendants are infringing upon FremantleMedia's trademark rights. There is a substantial likelihood that consumers will be confused, misled or deceived as to the sponsorship ... of the defendants' stripper talent contest." Palazio managers initially thought the lawsuit was a joke…but they don't plan to end the Thursday night strip-off. The club's managers said their contest doesn't resemble the TV show. In "Stripper Idol" the women have 60 seconds to dance topless, then are ranked by audience applause to win $500. "Fremantle can't lay claim to the word Idol," said "Kinky" Kelly Jones, a club manager and the show's master of ceremonies. "It's shocking. We're just a local company it's not like we're some big threat," said club operations manager Scott Stevenson. In fact, the lawsuit has brought the club national attention. Club managers say its contest is in its 12th week and has a growing popularity. The best part of the article was when Mr. Stevenson said, "I didn't know they could copyright an oval." Well, yeah, they kind of can. It's similar to the copyrighting of golden arches. Now I’m thinking…if I’m FremantleMedia…and I have this alleged copyright and franchise built on the word Idol and a blue oval…and seeing the success of this small-time promotion for Stripper Idol…then I may have the next big hit on Fox during the American Idol off-season. You heard it hear first. Stripper Idol starts this summer…on Fox. Now those are some talented individuals that I would watch.



Feeling Pretty? - On a stretch of a segway…and feeling that I need to balance out the medical research between men & women from a few days ago, a new study reports that women with high levels of oestrogen not only look and feel prettier -- but they may act on those feelings by moving from man to man. Oestrogen, the so-called female hormone, affects fertility and has been shown to make women dress more provocatively and show more thrill-seeking behavior. Dr. Kristina Durante of The University of Texas at Austin (home of Stripper Idol) and colleagues found that young women felt more attractive when they had high levels of an oestrogen known as estradiol, and they acted on those feelings. "Women with higher estradiol reported a greater likelihood of flirting, kissing and having a serious affair with someone other than their primary partner and were marginally more likely to date another man," Durante's team wrote in the Royal Society Journal Biology Letters (which I'll bet are really steamy). "Results provide support for the relationship between physical beauty and fertility and suggest that women high in reproductive health engage in opportunistic serial monogamy -- being open to affairs and moving on to a new relationship if a higher-quality mate becomes available." Durante's team tested 52 female undergraduates aged 17 to 30 who were not taking hormone contraceptives. They took two estradiol samples from each, as hormone levels fluctuate from week to week. They had the women rate their own attractiveness and showed their photographs to others to rate, as well. "High-estradiol women were considered significantly more physically attractive by themselves and others," Durante and colleagues wrote. The high-oestrogen women also reported more sexual behavior -- especially outside of a relationship, although it was not linked to one-night stands. "Our results are consistent with the possibility that highly fertile women are not easily satisfied by their long-term partners and are especially motivated to become acquainted with other, presumably more desirable, men," they concluded. The findings fit in with many other studies showing that hormones influence the behavior and success of both men and women. Earlier this week, U.S. and British researchers showed that male financial traders whose finger lengths indicate high testosterone levels in the womb made more money. We're all just rushing hormones, I guess. It's science. It has to be true. This may not be breaking news to many people out there though. Like I said, I just had to balance it out.


Bank Error In Your Favor - A Pennsylvania couple is behind bars after police say they failed to call the bank when a glitch put an extra $175,000 in their account. Authorities say 50-year-old Randy Pratt and 36-year-old Melissa Pratt instead withdrew the money, quit their jobs and moved to Florida. They were buying a house in the Orlando area when the mistake was traced. The two were arraigned Tuesday on theft and other charges and jailed in lieu of $100,000 bail. A public defender was being assigned. A $1,772.50 deposit showed up in their FNB Bank account last summer as $177,250. Police say Melissa Pratt said her husband, a roofing installer, often got large checks and she wasn't aware of any error. Nice try. Oh yeah, I had no idea. I was blissfully unaware. It was all his idea. That's the kind of wife I want right there. Still, I'm a big fan of Monopoly…and if there's a bank error in your favor, I seem to recall that you get $200. Due to inflation from when that game was made, I think that'd work out to about $175,000 today. I mean…where else can you buy the entire Boardwalk of Atlantic City for $400? You guys don't need a public defender, you need a doctor…who is just looking to use the Monopoly Defense in a court case that has absolutely nothing to do with anti-trust laws. Gimme a call. You know the number…and I'll work for a plane ticket out to Philly for the weekend. Think of it this way, you have nothing to lose…because you're going to jail anyway. I may be able to at least confuse them for a second…or there's always the Peter Griffin Defense, "I thought I was like their millionth customer or something."



Steve McQueen Update - Producers Michael Cerenzie and Christine Peters are working on a biopic for my namesake Steve McQueen according to Variety. The project will primarily chronicle McQueen's Hollywood career, which began in 1956 when the Indiana native got his break in the film "Somebody Up There Likes Me". The pair will produce, along with Brian Oliver and Chuck Rock, based on the Marshall Terrill-penned biography "Portrait of an American Rebel". It also examines his three marriages, including his stormy relationship with Ali McGraw, as well as his battle against lung cancer and off-screen penchant for motorcycles, fast cars, fast women and drugs. "The King of Cool" led a pretty exciting life…including convincing THE Chuck Norris to act, training with Bruce Lee, Sarah Tate & Jay Sebring of the Manson Murders were friends of his, and even though he starred in a bunch of blockbusters, he turned down roles in movies ranging from Breakfast at Tiffany's to Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid to Apocalypse Now to Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Anyway, it could be pretty good…but I don't anticipate a summer blockbuster.



Karate Kid Update - In the most predictable casting call possible, martial arts legend Jackie Chan is in negotiations to star in Sony Pictures and Overbrook Entertainment's remake of "The Karate Kid" says the trades. Chan would take on the mentor role of Mr. Miyagi, made famous by Pat Morita in the original. Jaden Smith (son of the Fresh Prince) is set to star as the boy that Chan trains, and the movie will examine the relationship between a martial arts expert and a boy who is picked on by bullies. Harald Zwart ("One Night at McCool's" and the new "Pink Panther 2") has been signed on to helm the feature which will begin shooting this year in Beijing, Chris Murphy (originals) has been attached to pen the screenplay. I hate to say it…but I predicted it two months ago when it was first announced. Still think Sonny Chiba would've been better. More of a straight-face comedy like Pat Morita. Next prediction - Jackie Chan will act like a drunken monkey at least once during the movie. Maybe they'll have bring back a star from the original, like Ralph Macchio as the school janitor…or Elisabeth Shue as Jaden's mom. Oh yeah, the skin tone might not work…or at least need some extra explanation. Fine, a caring school teacher then. There you go Chris Murphy. I'm already helping you out. Any chance I could get a role as one of the bully's friends…who was held back a few years. "Put him in a body bag!!! Yeaaaah!!!"



Anyway, that'll do it for today. Super excited about my mom coming to town tomorrow. I don't know if you realize this…but I really love my mama. Not quite to the point of those guys on that "Momma's Boys" show, which I'm a little ashamed to say, I've seen a few episodes of…and yeah, I want that racist bitch mom to get attacked by sharks in the pool or something…but we'll see how it goes. Hopefully her son JoJo or whatever can find a good girl. By the way, is it just me…or are 90% of the girls on that show centerfolds? Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, mama's coming to town. Gonna be a fun weekend…and I even get Martin Luther King Day off from work so I can spend the day with her. Yippee!!! Have a great day everybody!!!