Monday, July 26, 2010

Snatch - It's About Robbin'

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Saturday morning, I was wondering what I was going to do with this lovely weekend. See, I wanted to be a little on the frugal side because of this coming weekend with my mom… so no last minute trip to San Fran or anything (besides, Bubbles already had company for her birthday… and I’m always 3 hours away). So I thought, “Maybe I should call my stepsister and see what her family’s up to. Maybe they’re bored too… and it is Pioneer Day over in Utah, so we should be celebrating… something… right?” Whatever you’ve got to tell yourself, $teve. Well, not minutes after I had the passing thought, did my stepsister call me & invite me to my nephew’s 10th birthday party… and the best part… it was at Wild Island, which is a water park in Sparks apparently. “Yeah, I was just going to call you guys. That’d be awesome.” So yeah, we met up at Scheels first because the kids wanted to ride the FERRIS WHEEL while the parents wanted to check out guns & mountain bikes. You can guess which one Uncle $teve wanted to do. Here are the pictures…

After Scheels, we went across the highway to Wild Island. It was a pretty cool water park… and because it was 103 degrees and a Saturday, the place was PACKED!!! We still had a LOT of fun though with the different slides and of course just being silly in general. After a few hours, clouds started to move in… and then it because a lightning storm… and then a sandstorm, so we basically had to abandon after about 3 hours, but still, good times. Sorry, no pictures of me and my hard, chiseled, bronze body for this part. I had to leave the camera in a locker (not waterproof) but hey, that’s why you should come along next time.

That night, I decided that since it was basically a full moon, I would watch “The Wolfman” starring Benecio Del Toro, Sir Anthony Hopkins and Hugo Weaving. Basically it’s supposed to be a retelling of the Lon Chaney classic Wolfman movie. An actor from London (Del Toro) must return home upon news of his brother’s disappearance. He returns to find his brother has been found… and torn up by what appears to be some kind of a savage beast. Well, he moves back into the family estate until he finds the killer with his father (Hopkins) and now widowed former sister-in-law (Emily Blunt). Well, blah blah blah, he gets bit, becomes a werewolf, Scotland Yard sends in a man (Weaving) to investigate, family “secrets” are revealed, long story short, I didn’t care for this movie at all. It was dull, boring, incredibly predictable, even poor CGI, and believe me… I’m willing to take the leap with believing the whole system of lycanthropy and whatnot… but yeah, this movie was just… pointless really. I say pass if at all possible. Plenty of other werewolf movies out there… and I can’t wait for “Jack & Diane” to this one out of my mind. Here’s the news…

Bank Robbery Monthly: Darkside - Times must be tough back at the Empire after having to rebuild all those Death Stars. A bank robber dressed as "Star Wars" villain Darth Vader made off with an undetermined amount of cash after pointing a handgun at startled tellers inside a Chase bank branch on Long Island. Detectives say the stickup man walked into the bank shortly before noon Thursday wearing a full head mask and a blue cape. The only part of the uniform that was out of place were his camouflage pants. And that handgun — no light saber. Suffolk County police Detective Sgt. William Lamb told reporters at least one customer at the time didn't think the theft was legit. The customer, whose identity was not released, can be seen cowering on the floor in a surveillance camera photo, moments after the holdup man shoved him away. "The customer thought it might have been a joke and not a serious attempt at a robbery," Lamb told the Daily News. The only other description of the suspect was his height: between 6 feet and 6-foot-2. He was last seen running across a parking lot. "I thought it was pretty comical, but I guess this guy was pretty serious about needing some money," Michael Aloisio, who works at a nearby restaurant and saw the bandit run past, told the New York Post. "I think we need more police and more security here," said Louie Lin, 24, who works at a Chinese restaurant in the shopping center where the bank is located and saw the robber. "People need money so bad nowadays ... maybe next time they will come here and steal from us too." Heather Apolo, 36, a Chase customer from Port Jefferson Station, said she was surprised the bank had been targeted. "It really is a good area. They'll probably beef up security and make sure something like this doesn't happen again." Mike Fusco, a Chase spokesman, declined to comment other than to say bank officials were cooperating with the investigation. My grade for this robber – C. I like the whole Darth Vader thing. Definitely would’ve been intimidating because Episodes II & III but still an ominous image. Blue cape? Eh, obviously times are rough & you’ve got to go with what you’ve got. That IS why he’s robbing the bank. Now if the gun were made to look like Han Solo’s blaster or something, definite A- at least… or if there was some sort of Force Chokehold involved… but yeah, a C isn’t too bad of a grade for a nerd in need of some dough. Also, 6’2” is right around the good height to be physically intimidating… but more than 1% of the population can be in the lineup. Anyway, I’m not condoning bank robbing, just to be clear… just judging the methods. The holdup was the 15th in Suffolk County this year; 30 bank heists were reported in 2009. The robbery comes about a week after a so-called bouquet bandit held up a Manhattan bank. Authorities say Edward Pemberton used a flower bouquet to conceal a note demanding cash during a $440 bank heist July 15. They say he used a potted plant as a similar prop in a holdup at another bank earlier this month. There also have been numerous reports around the country of men dressing as women, wigs, sunglasses and all, holding up banks. A New Hampshire man robbed a bank in 2007 wearing tree branches and leaves (damn, hippie thieves now?). Oh wait… it gets better…

BRM: Clowns - Authorities said a Pittsburgh-area man robbed a bank wearing a woman's blond wig, fake breasts under a sweater and clown pants. Swissvale police said 48-year-old Dennis Hawkins of North Braddock was sitting in a parked car covered in red dye from an exploding packet in a bag of money when he was arrested Saturday. Police Chief Greg Geppert said Hawkins robbed the bank at gunpoint, using a toy BB gun he had shoplifted from a store. Geppert said Hawkins then entered a woman's car. She got out, took her keys and alerted police. Hawkins was found sitting in the car. He is being held on $230,000 bail. It's not clear whether he has an attorney. Obviously this robbery was an F in every single facet other than nobody got hurt, which is like signing your name correctly at the top of the test. If you get that wrong, it’s an automatic zero. Okay, step by step. Weapon – Stolen BB gun. It may look real, so I can’t completely rag on it… but if it’s one of those plastic transparent things from Wal-Mart, I’m holding back laughter if I’m stuck up with one of those. The Outfit – Big-breasted blonde lady clown. Too bad the 5 o’clock shadow probably gives it all away. Perhaps thought of in case an insanity plea was needed later on. I’m trying to give this guy the benefit of a doubt. The Getaway – Jack a lady in the parking lot… but she takes the keys & calls the cops… while you check the money & get blasted in the face with a dye pack. Here’s how it goes down… and keep in mind that the carjackee will be in a completely state of confusion because this is all going down with a giant he-she clown. “GET OUT OF THE CAR!!! KEYS!!! Thank you, here’s a little something for a new car.” Drive off. Moments later, when she is no longer stunned from being carjacked by a clown, she glanced down at her stack of hundreds… and it explodes all over her. Heck, if she’s a blonde with big breasts, you may have a patsy. Anyway, terrible robbery all around… and he’s in jail now. Might be worth it though. At least he won’t have to worry where his next meal is coming from. Just if somebody’s going to make him eat a meat sandwich for dessert. Stay in school, kids.

BRM: Undies – So I’m thinking of renaming my new magazine from “Bank Robbing Monthly” to simply “Snatch” to cover all forms of thievery. However, I’m also afraid that there’s more than likely another kind of magazine out there with that title… and is probably handed upon purchase in a brown paper slip. Anyway, this doesn’t even really have to do with banks… but I had to share. An unemployed woman who said she was desperate for money has been arrested on charges she robbed an Oklahoma McDonald's with a white stretch girdle wrapped around her face as a makeshift mask (probably recently used in an Oklahoma heat wave too). Authorities said 51-year-old Sharon Lain of Midwest City admitted to being the underwear-masked bandit who made off with the contents of a cash drawer from the fast-food restaurant around 3 a.m. Tuesday. A surveillance video captured the woman on tape and was broadcast on local television, prompting several tips (“I recognize those undies anywhere!”) that led police to a condemned home on Wednesday night where Lain was found living, said Midwest City Police Chief Brandon Clabes. Police found the underwear - a white stretch girdle known as 'spanx' (no joke) along with illegal drugs, including methamphetamine (gasp of surprise). "She admitted to her role in the burglary," said Clabes. "And we found the clothes she wore. This was a really bizarre disguise. I wasn't sure what spanx was. I've never seen a woman with one on; now I've seen one on someone's face." Police said Lain was a former night shift manager at McDonald's but was fired about a month ago. Lain told investigators she needed money and suffered from a gambling problem (and don’t forget the meth). She is being charged with second-degree burglary, possession of a controlled dangerous substance, possession of paraphernalia and illegal trespass. So yeah, she doesn’t qualify for a grade because it was a McDonald’s but it’s probably for the better because it was a place that she worked at (unless there was another inside man), she has the drug problem, I admire the spirit with the make-shift disguise but… seriously, putting your undies on your head? I can totally see McDonald’s just giving the cash drawer and being like “See ya when you’re hungry” and getting it right back within a month.

Just Plane Robbin’ Folks – Yes, it’s a bad pun. You should be used to them by now. French police have arrested an Air France stewardess (not pictured) on suspicion of stealing thousands of euros in cash, cards and jewelry as passengers slept on long haul flights, a newspaper reported on Tuesday. Police investigating thefts over several months on flights between France and the Far East picked up the 47-year old attendant identified as Lucie R. after she landed from Tokyo on Friday, Le Figaro said. "Her bank accounts showed an absurd gap between her lifestyle and her declared income," the newspaper quoted a police investigator as saying. Police launched an investigation in January after about 4,000 euros' ($5,170) was stolen from five passengers. The robber took advantage of sleeping passengers, taking euros, yen, and Swiss francs as well as watches, jewels, credit cards and even checkbooks. According to the newspaper, the woman, who worked mainly in business class, began her spree in March 2009 to ease financial problems and has confessed to 26 thefts (so obviously done a LOT more). Since January, there have been about 140 thefts, the newspaper said (see?). "The Japanese were ideal prey because they travel with lots of cash -- euros and yen -- instead of paying with credit cards," a police source said. Police found travelers' checks, blank checks and bank card numbers at her home. Just goes to show that you can never trust the French, especially at 35,000 feet.

Crappy Gig – American rock band Kings of Leon (great band, by the way) said they were forced to abandon a concert in St. Louis at the weekend after three songs because pigeons kept pooping on them from the rafters. The band left the stage at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater on Friday after bass player Jared Followill was hit in the face by one dropping. "Jared was hit several times during the first two songs. On the third song, when he was hit in the cheek and some of it landed near his mouth, they couldn't deal any longer," the Nashville band's publicist, Any Mendelsohn, said in a statement. "It's not only disgusting - it's a toxic hazard. They really tried to hang in there." Drummer Nathan Followill apologized on Twitter to fans of the Grammy-winning band which is made up of three Followill brothers and their cousin Matthew who plays lead guitar. "So sorry St Louis. We had to bail, pigeons s****ing in Jared's mouth and it was too unsanitary to continue. Don't take it out on Jared ... Sorry for all who (traveled) many miles. "The band was to continue its U.S. tour in Cleveland, Ohio, on Monday to promote its fourth album "Only By The Night" before heading to Canada and Britain. The country duo Sugarland was scheduled to play the venue on Sunday night. Now I want to go home and listen to their album… but yeah, it was literally raining sh*t on them as they played. It just goes to show how “rock bands” nowadays handle these kind of things. Just think, what would Ozzy have done? Oh yeah, he would’ve bit the heads off a few pigeons… placed their heads on a few drumstick spits… and then yelled, “Let that be a lesson to the rest of you f**king winged rats!!!” Then Oswald’s cousin Louis steps in to keep the peace and lead the pigeons off to a different perch to watch the concert. Apparently watching over others is in their genetic code.

Lettuce Help the World – Okay, last pun of the day I swear. An animal rights activist has caused a stir in Jordan's capital by covering herself in lettuce in a quirky attempt to persuade Middle Eastern meat lovers to go vegetarian (good luck changing anything over there). Crowds quickly gathered to gawk at the lettuce lady, but police were not amused. Officers briefly arrested the Jordanian activist, Amina Tarek, and a colleague from PETA (of course, I KNEW they would be involved with this story… but I didn’t think they allowed them into that region). The pair stood in a square along one of Amman's trendiest streets and held a placard reading "Let vegetarianism grow on you." Tarek says she wanted Jordanians "to turn over a new leaf." Police held them for three hours, saying they had not obtained permission for Sunday's protest. The activists say they had approval. The police responded with “Yeah? Well I burned it, so you’ll agree with whatever I f**king tell you. You’re in Jordan now, hippie scum.” Okay, that last sentence was made up… but seriously, you could see that, right? Yeah, once again, I mention this more for the picture than anything else. Do I think the world needs to go vegetarian? Of course not. I love meat. I think it’s part of a healthy diet. Has been since the times of the caveman. Do I think they should’ve been arrested? Hey, if you don’t have permission to protest, the law steps in. Be happy that you have the right to request permission to protest. Wait, that does sound a little weird now that I think about it. Permission… to protest? “Sure you can get on your soap box or speak out about some injustice… but make sure you fill out the proper paperwork no less than 7 days in advance so that we can anticipate the kind of adverse effect this will have on traffic & parking through that region.” Yeah, kind of silly to get permission to go against the status quo but hey… it’s Jordan, right? It’s not like there’s stuff like that here in the States (unless you look).

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Hopefully you enjoyed these tales of snatching… and if not, tomorrow might be different. Maybe there’s more hot chicks. I know you love those stories. Tomorrow’s softball (unless we forfeit again), Wednesday’s a date (oh yeah, can’t wait to see how this one goes), and then Thursday my mom & aunt come to town for the weekend which should be epic. Still plenty of time to take a road trip out here to join us. We’ve got a LOT of activities planned… and even more that we’ll stumble upon along the way. Have a great day everybody!!!

1 comment:

Matt L. said...

Great pictures of the store, thanks for sharing!

Matt L.

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