Tuesday, July 27, 2010

NOT the Whiteman's B**ch

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Softball game in about an hour… if we get enough people to show this week. Date tomorrow night which may include sushi… always a good thing. Got a good feeling about this one… but then again, I usually do. Thursday, my mom & aunt are coming to visit and we’re ready to party something hardy. Or is it hearty? I’ve never really understood that expression… so I’ll change it to we’re ready to party our asses off. There should be a lot of adventures, scenic vistas, adult beverages, and of course… Love. Cheesy enough for ya? Let’s see, what else is going on. Haven’t heard from the new roommate in a few days. I hope everything’s okay (and this is why the ad is still upon craigslist). Not really worried because there have been a few more applicants that I’ve “delayed response” to just in case… but he’s probably just a busy guy. So yeah, that’s really about it. Excited for the Halloween trip to New Orleans… but that’s three months away. Can’t believe it’s already been three months since my 29th birthday in the midst of my Road Trip. Time flies when you’re overworked and enjoying the beautiful summer weather. Heck, really can’t believe it’s already been 3 weeks since 4th of July. That feels like just last week or something. Oh well, must be a sign that I’m getting old. Another sign, I’m reading the news a lot to find nuggets like these…

Penguin Genocide? – It’s kind of a bummer story… but if I start with it, then it can only get better, right? Besides, it gives me an excuse to put up penguin pictures. Hundreds of penguins that apparently starved to death are washing up on the beaches of Brazil, worrying scientists who are still investigating what's causing them to die. About 500 of the black-and-white birds have been found just in the last 10 days on Peruibe, Praia Grande and Itanhaem beaches in Sao Paulo state, said Thiago do Nascimento, a biologist at the Peruibe Aquarium. Most were Magellan penguins migrating north from Argentina, Chile and the Falkland Islands in search of food in warmer waters. Many are not finding it: Autopsies done on several birds revealed their stomachs were entirely empty — indicating they likely starved to death. Scientists are investigating whether strong currents and colder-than-normal waters have hurt populations of the species that make up the penguins' diet, or whether human activity may be playing a role. "Overfishing may have made the fish and squid scarcer," Nascimento said. He also said it's common for penguins to swim north this time of year. Inevitably, some get lost along the way or die from hunger or exhaustion, and end up on the Brazilian coast far from home… but not in such numbers. Nascimento said about 100 to 150 live penguins show up on the beach in an average year, and only 10 or so are dead. "What worries us this year," he said, "is the absurdly high number of penguins that have appeared dead in a short period of time." Tragic I know. Maybe it’s famine on the high seas. Maybe it’s getting lost because of poor directions from a sea turtle. Then again, maybe it was just the dream of seeing the beaches of Brazil after being stuck in the frozen south… and then it just went horribly wrong when they realize that they’re bodies simply aren’t meant for the heat of Brazil. Then again, maybe it’s something more twisted like seals taking back their territory from the penguins, who’ve been poaching their fish for years. So they sent a message to the rest of them, stay off our turf… or else you’ll be sleeping with the fishes, see? Anyway, I hope the scientists figure out the causes.

Zedonk-e-donk – I told you it’d get better. Here’s a heartwarming story of Love beyond interspecies erotica and the bastard offspring that they produce. A zedonk, an unusual cross between a donkey and a zebra, is attracting attention at the Chestatee Wildlife Preserve in Dahlonega, Georgia after being born there about a week ago. The animal, which has a zebra father and donkey mother, has black stripes prominently displayed on her legs and face. C.W. Wathen, the preserve's founder and general manager, said the foal has a zebra's instincts (not sure what that means… but probably that it isn’t stubborn). Wathen said she sits up instead of lying on her side, as if she's staying alert for predators. Oh, okay. That’s what they meant. Donkeys and zebras don't usually mate (usually because they aren’t into long distance relationships like from here to Africa) but zedonks turn up occasionally. Wathen said that in about two weeks, the zedonk will begin roaming the property with the rest of the animals. You know me, I’m all about mixing up the species and turning the world into a melting pot of Darwinism at its finest and/or funniest. Whether it’s Zedonks, Ligers, Elephinos or Nature’s Gangbang – the Platypus.

Tiger Update – Another thing that I hope for in future species are pygmy exotic pets. You know, like pygmy elephants, giraffes, lions, tigers, bears, oh my… that’d be awesome. Why would that be awesome? For one, you wouldn’t have to worry about feeding full size animals… or situations like this. Police are warning residents of a South African neighborhood against approaching a 17-month-old Bengal tiger that escaped from its owners. Police say the tiger named Panjo broke open the canopy of a truck carrying it and jumped free early Tuesday in the Delmas district, 40 miles southeast of Johannesburg. Panjo's owner Rose Farreira told local media Panjo was tame but warned that Panjo may attack unfamiliar people (aka untamed). She says the tiger could turn aggressive if it had been hurt in its escape (or remembers that it’s a tiger & not a kitty). Panjo remained on the run Tuesday evening. A helicopter was deployed after one report of a sighting later Tuesday but as dusk fell Panjo, hand-reared from a cub, had not been found. Tigers are not native to South Africa… but the real news of this story… is that they can be your pet. Yeah, Africa’s an awesome place. You can have pets like tigers, rhinos, all that… but I wonder if their zoos have animals that are pretty standard for us. You know like the big famous staples like bears, buffalo, deer… but then also more exotic and unusual creatures like the opossum, squirrels, beavers & pigeons or something. I’m curious. Anyway, keep an eye out for stray tigers when you’re in South Africa (Jen).

Auction Superfind – Have you ever found something REALLY awesome at a yard sale or an auction or eBay? Not just something that you think is cool and really holds the room together… but something like… I don’t know, a Babe Ruth rookie card among a box of them that some widow was selling off? Or an antique candy tray that ended being worth a bundle on Antique Roadshow? Well, a Cherokee County man found a hidden treasure in a painting he bought at an auction: four pounds of marijuana. Gordon Clement, 80, discovered the pot stashed inside of the painting, which he bought at a post office auction about five years ago. He found the drugs last weekend when he tried to sell the artwork at another auction (pay it forward). Clement planned to ask $25 for the piece. Police said the marijuana was worth about $4,800 (or $75 an ounce by that math). Alarmed, he called his lawyer and turned the painting over to authorities (too bad there was originally 5 pounds of it… but your secret’s safe with me, Mr. Clement). So don’t be afraid to check out local auctions and yard / garage / estate sales. You never know what you may find, especially in artwork. I mean… why do you think Bob Ross is always so f**king awesome & happy? Must be the positive lifestyle… THC positive.

Politics Update - A legislative candidate from Wisconsin can't use a profane, racially charged phrase to describe herself on the ballot, an election oversight board decided Wednesday. Ieshuh Griffin, an independent running for a downtown Milwaukee seat in the state Assembly, wants to use the phrase, "NOT the 'whiteman's b**ch.'" But the state's Government Accountability Board voted to bar that wording, agreeing with a staff recommendation that it is pejorative (having a disparaging, derogatory or belittling effect) and therefore not allowed. State law allows independent candidates to have five words describing themselves placed after their names on the ballot as long as it's not pejorative, profane, discriminatory or includes an obscene word or phrase (so to recap, the ruling was that it was pejorative… and not that b**ch is an obscene word). Griffin, who is black (and apparently NOT the whiteman’s b**ch), argued her case to the five white, retired judges on the board that regulates elections. She said the phrase was protected by free speech (of course). "It's a freedom of expression. It's not racial. It's not a slur." She convinced three of the judges that the wording should be allowed, but two said it should not. One judge was absent, and Griffin needed four votes to succeed. Griffin said she intends to seek an injunction in federal court. Board member Thomas Cane, a retired state appeals court judge, said he didn't find the wording to be "particularly offensive." Fellow board member Thomas Barland, who spent 33 years as a circuit court judge in Eau Claire, agreed. "She says a lot in five words. It wasn't pornographic, it wasn't obscene and I didn't interpret it as racial." Judge Gordon Myse, the board chairman, cast the third vote in favor of Griffin. "Isn't she saying, 'I'm not under the white man's direction? I'm independent of that.' Isn't that what she's saying?" Myse said in a complete state of confusion, not sarcasm (“I thought we were in America. Isn’t this America? Oh I’m sorry, I thought we were in America…”). Roxanne Dunlap, a white woman from Sussex, felt compelled to speak up in the middle of the meeting, saying she was offended by the statement. She said if a white candidate wanted to have the statement "not the black man's b**ch" put on the ballot, it would be soundly rejected…and she’s absolutely correct. I tried. Griffin said her statement wasn't directed at any one individual but the government as a whole. The b-word was referring to a female dog that rolls over, she said. "I'm not making a derogatory statement to a group of people or an ethnic group," she told the board. "I'm saying what I am not. Everyone I spoke with, elderly and young, understand my point of view." The phrase was included on nomination papers Griffin circulated to get the 200 signatures needed to be on the Nov. 2 ballot. Griffin, who described herself as a "30ish" community activist, will still appear as an independent candidate. The Assembly district she hopes to represent covers the east side of Milwaukee and parts of Glendale. It's currently represented by Democrat Annette Polly Williams, who is retiring. Three Democrats and Griffin are seeking to replace her… and Milwaukee is the only major American city to have elected three socialist mayors (thank you Alice Cooper, we’re not worthy). So what do you think? Should they have allowed her to describe herself as “NOT the whiteman’s b**ch”? How would you describe yourself on a ballot in five words or less? Here’s just a few of my favorites… but I’m sure that you can top them.

  • Dr Mookie Love - Daaaaamn right

  • Pronounced with an –umpty

  • Ask your mama about him

  • He’s got what plants crave

  • With special guest Angelina Jolie

  • It’s all good baby BABY

  • Comes in five different flavors

  • Winner - As foretold in the Prophecy

Well, that’ll do it for today. Better get ready for softball here in a few. Wish me luck on my date tomorrow. Hopefully it goes over extremely well… but I wouldn’t hold my breath for the streak to be over quite yet. At the very least, I get some great sushi and pleasant company on the shores of Lake Tahoe. You really can’t hate on that. Have a great night everybody!!!

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