Friday, July 16, 2010

Mona Lisa Manatees

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I didn’t go to Truckee Thursdays. GASP!!! I know, I know. After the previous night’s waste of money (in which Karma placed a hundred bucks cash back into my pocket a few hours later), I just wasn’t feeling it, so I decided to clean up around the apartment (now that my roommate’s done moving out) and then… I watched the first few episodes of the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” series with Filly over the phone. I had never watched the series. Filly’s a fanatic…and told me that I reminded her of the lovable (but not f**kable) character Xander…and after a few episodes, I can kinda see why. I’d like to say I’m more like Angel where ladies cream at the thought of me…but he’s a little too “Twilight” for me. You know how I feel about moody vampires…and I still think he should hook up with Bones. Sorry, reference to another series a decade later. Anyway, it was pretty fun just chatting and mocking (and basically turning it into a porn in a few very simple steps) with Filly…even though we’re like 2000 miles apart. She keeps telling me that I need to get Skype so that we can webchat…but I’m not sure if I want people to be seeing me late night in this kind of situation. You know, kicked back, watching movies, beer in hand, maybe some M&Ms or an orange, doesn’t sound too bad? How about the pants being off from time to time? Still intrigued? Maybe you ladies should start a charity to save up for a new laptop so that I can make this happen…because my laptop probably isn’t going to cut it…and like I said, I have no roommate currently so finances are a little tight for something I’m barely going to use.

Today at lunch, a coworker and I were watching the Open Championship at St. Andrew’s (don’t feel bad that you don’t know what it is, basically it’s golf on the course where the sport was invented), and we discussed how golf was so damn boring…and then we shared ideas on Extreme Golf. He seemed to really like my ideas…and being a former officer in the Army, he added a few touches that I hadn’t even considered… mostly land mines, distracting crossfire, maybe a few freedom fighters in the trees or high grass, stuff like that. Then he mentioned an idea…that I think has the potential to make us both very rich. Well, maybe not Oprah rich…but at least Girls Gone Wild guy rich. Now, you have to promise not to tell anyone (who would start this up without cutting us a little piece of the pie). Pinky swear? Okay. Here it is. Jousting!!! Wait, think about it for a second. You may be thinking “$teve, that’s an antiquated form of dueling, barbaric, and nobody would be interested in it whatsoever.” Bullsh*t!!! You’re probably thinking about two knights riding on horses. This isn’t the Middle Ages. We’re in the 21st century. 3rd Millennium!!! I’m talking two guys (or girls, because of Title IX) on segways, jet skis, snowmobiles, those mini-motorcycles, zip lines, skateboards, snowboards or skis (half pipe), big wheels, unicycles, the possibilities are endless really. Some of those could be padding optional. I’m picturing the guys on segways, as long as they can hold onto the steering bar, it’d autocorrect and they’d pop right back up like one of those damn punching clowns. Oh…and of course you could still do horseback and all of that too…but tell me that you wouldn’t watch REAL competitive jousting. “But $teve, I don’t even go to the Renaissance Fair to see two LARPers joust for free. Why would I want to watch this?” Because we’re talking about real athletes with big sticks, that’s why. Do you mean to tell me that you wouldn’t want to see Brock Lesnar go against Shaq in a bare-chested joust on mini-motorcycles? The image alone is worth the price of admission. If anybody rich out there is reading this and needs my help in getting this league off the ground, just send me an email and the jet to Truckee Regional and we can iron out the details. I’m talking GLOBAL!!! Go big or go home!!! Anyway, that’s really all of an update in my world at this point…so let’s go to the news…

Denver Update – Speaking of pants-off dance-off, the days when a citizen could address the Boulder City Council wearing only underwear may be over. (GASP!!!) The council will vote on new decorum rules in September, seven months after a resident stepped up to a microphone in his boxers. The rules were already under review, but that incident led to a proposed ban on undressing during meetings. It's not the first time the university town has wrestled with how much clothing is enough. In April, the city barred teens and adults from showing their genitals in public (WHAT???). That could put the wraps (and/or pasties) on two annual traditions that involve running or cycling naked. But the council declined to outlaw topless females, despite complaints about a woman who gardens in a thong and gloves (remember her?). You know, the more I hear about Boulder, the more I think I was probably supposed to go to the party college of Colorado and root for a different new member (GO BUFFS!!!) of the Pac-12 or whatever it is now, rather than the newest (GO UTES!!!). There’s a lot more crazy nudity & debauchery on the other side of the Rockies. Believe me, I’ve had thoughts of going before the Ogden City Council and stripping down to my underwear…but I’m sure they would’ve had police pouncing on me by the time that I was loosening the belt. Traditions of hiking & biking naked, showing genitals in public, topless women rampant in the streets, that’s my kind of place. I dream of a world where people can speak freely in whatever attire they want. Where the morals of Justice can rise up…as if held by suspenders…and not be bogged down by the crushing weight of oppression…and layers of cotton blends. Then, when we can be in a world with nothing to hide, free at last, free at last, sweet tig ol’ bitties, free at last!!! Sorry I ugh… just pictured myself on the steps of the Lincoln monument for a moment.

Mama’s Manatee Update – I like Pandas. You all know this. Sure I think they’re nature’s lazy, sexually retarded, potentially vicious teddy bears… but I’m doing my best to save the species. They’re just not helping much. I think it might be genetic…because my mom’s favorite animal…is the Manatee. It’s a very similar story with these animals. They’re big, slow, rare…and basically nature’s speed bumps down in Florida’s waterways. Well, because I love my mama very much, here’s an update in the world of the Sea Cow. A group of manatees looking for love are safe after being stranded in a shallow canal in Miami. Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission spokesman Jorge Pino said four or five male manatees were trying to mate with a female in the canal (simultaneously?). Pino said the water in the canal may have been too dirty for the sea cows to see through (nature’s bag over the head?). Wildlife officials managed to coerce all the manatees to swim out of the shallow area on Monday. Pino said it's not uncommon to see several manatees in one place during the summer, when mating is most frequent. Last year, ten manatees appeared on the shores of Lauderdale-by-the-Sea to mate. So apparently where pandas are basically un-sexual and prudish, manatees prefer dirty sausage-heavy gangbangs in the shallow end of the pool. Natural selection works in mysterious ways…and I think both species are screwed unless they get their acts together.

Mona Lisa’s Secrets – The works of Leonardo da Vinci are steeped in mystery. What is the meaning of the positioning of “The Last Supper”? Does his flying machine really work? Why does Mona Lisa look like she has a stick up her ass? Is “The Da Vinci Code” just on par with “National Treasure” with respect to historical accuracy? Burning questions all…but French scientists say they have cracked a few secrets of the "Mona Lisa." (She’s actually a dude?) French researchers studied seven of the Louvre Museum's Leonardo da Vinci paintings, including the "Mona Lisa," to analyze the master's use of successive ultra-thin layers of paint and glaze - a technique that gave his works their dreamy quality. Specialists from the Center for Research and Restoration of the Museums of France found that da Vinci painted up to 30 layers of paint on his works to meet his standards of subtlety. Added up, all the layers are less than 40 micrometers, or about half the thickness of a human hair, researcher Philippe Walter said Friday. The technique, called "sfumato," allowed da Vinci to give outlines and contours a hazy quality and create an illusion of depth and shadow. His use of the technique is well-known, but scientific study on it has been limited because tests often required samples from the paintings. The French researchers used a noninvasive technique called X-ray fluorescence spectroscopy to study the paint layers and their chemical composition. They brought their specially developed high-tech tool into the museum when it was closed and studied the portraits' faces, which are emblematic of sfumato (bless you). The project was developed in collaboration with the European Synchrotron Radiation Facility in Grenoble. The tool is so precise that "now we can find out the mix of pigments used by the artist for each coat of paint," Walter told The Associated Press. "And that's very, very important for understanding the technique." The analysis of the various paintings also shows da Vinci was constantly trying out new methods, Walter said. In the "Mona Lisa," da Vinci used manganese oxide in his shadings. In others, he used copper. Often he used glazes, but not always. The results were published Wednesday in Angewandte Chemie International Edition, a chemistry journal. Tradition holds that the "Mona Lisa" is a painting of Lisa Gherardini, wife of Florentine merchant Francesco del Giocondo, and that da Vinci started painting it in 1503. Giorgio Vasari, a 16th-century painter and biographer of da Vinci and other artists, wrote that the perfectionist (or procrastinator) da Vinci worked on it for four years. No wonder she looks like she has a stick up her ass. She’s been sitting in that same spot for four years while he strokes his beard and says in a bad Italian accent (provided by yours truly), “No no no, this simply will not do. Perhaps if I use manganese oxide to bring out the bags under her eyes she won’t look like a harlot.” “Excuse me?” “Ssssh, no moving. You will break my concentration and we’ll have to start all over again.” “My husband will surely have your head for such…” “Your husband told me to keep you here for as long as I want while he’s out f**king half of Roma. Capice?” So you see, French scientists are hard at work on solving centuries-old mysteries…and no just “What the hell did we just eat? Snails? (gag)”

Tink Update – Since I did an update for my mom earlier with the manatees, now I have to go with my niece favorite thing in the whole world (besides her daddy maybe) and that is Tinkerbell. You’ve seen the pictures. She has the bedroom sets, the table, the toys, even of her multi-cultural fairy friends, all that Disney produced crap that’s peddled to kids. She loves her Tink…and I think to this day, won’t go anywhere without her Tink blanket. Well, guess what. Elizabeth Banks ("30 Rock," "Slither") is attached to star in "Tink", a live-action film starring Peter Pan's fairy friend Tinkerbell in development at Disney Pictures says Variety. Banks and Max Handelman came up with the idea which will play on "the mischievous nature of the Tinkerbell character". Elizabeth Wright Shapiro ("Miss January") penned the script. Adam Shankman, Jennifer Gibgot and McG will produce. What’s that? You don’t think that you could see the star of such classics as “40 Year Old Virgin” and “Zach & Miri Make a Porno” as your daughter’s favorite nymph(o)? (“Wow, that’s graphic!”) Yeah, think about that for a second…if you dare. Speaking of Tinkerbell’s mischievous nature, I’ve often wondered what the hell girls see in her? Oh yeah, I wonder about stuff like this all the time. Don’t act surprised. As a guy, yeah, she’s a cute little fairy with a tight little body with magical powers and doesn’t talk much or whatever… and that’s cool… but that’s kinda like thinking about trying to get with some pixie tramp stamp or ankle tattoo, which oddly enough if you think about it, is definitely more realistic. However, the thing that bothers me about it… is Tinkerbell is pure f**king evil. Didn’t anybody watch Peter Pan? That jealous b**ch tried to have Wendy killed. Why? Because the preteen boy that she had a crush on (don’t even try to work out the logistics of anything happening, by the way) like her more… and gave her a thimble, I think. It’s been a few years since I’ve seen the show…but even as a kid, I knew she was evil. What’s her response? Well, after straight-up assault a few times with hair pulling and whatever else her diminutive body could do, she helped f**king pirates to not only kidnap Wendy…but all of her alleged friends, the Lost Boys too. Oh yeah! You know I’m right. This is what Disney is teaching your daughter (and generations before) and you’re enabling them. Now she’s going to be portrayed in a live-action movie by the “do-it-yourself” enthusiast / amateur porn star actress. Yes, I know in real life Ms. Banks is probably salt of the Earth good people… but I’m just saying, I have the mentality of a child, so I know how they think. Do you want to be the one answering questions like “What is Tinkerbell doing with that tub faucet, daddy?” “She’s ugh… thinking happy thoughts, sweetie. Bedtime!!!” All that said, I fully support this movie… but shame on all you ladies out there for supporting Tinkerbell’s behavior. You know who you are.

So yeah, that’s going to be it for me today. Leave on a high note with evil slutty pixies, I guess. Welcome to my blog. Speaking of my niece Kairi, she’s kinda bummed that I won’t be visiting her for my brother’s birthday barbecue this weekend…but I’ll get to see her soon. I miss her… and that little munchkin Vinny too (who before I know it will no longer be a munchkin). What am I going to be doing this weekend? Don’t know. Probably cleaning the house, looking for a roommate, maybe another date (with somebody else), plenty of stuff going on in the area too… and there’s always trails and other relative free stuff around the lake. I’ll keep you posted. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

1 comment:

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