Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Are You Cussing With Me?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So last night, softball was cancelled. Well, we had to forfeit…because only like five people showed up. That’s one for each base and a pitcher with no outfielders or shortstop. Batting & base coaches would’ve been awkward with that scenario as well. I’m not saying it couldn’t have been done… but I’m pretty sure major leaguers couldn’t put up a real fight with five players in softball. Fast pitch maybe. Other than that, I’ve got a few prospective roommates stopping by to check out the apartment later today, which could prove interesting. I’ll be sure to keep you posted. Happy birthday to Bubbles!!! I’m sure she has an entire week of fun & debauchery already planned in celebration of this glorious event (as well as searching for apartments) in San Fran. Really not much else to elaborate on personally. Gorgeous weather the past few days have led to a few wandering walks around the neighborhood and such…but yeah, overall just pretty lazy the past few nights.

The other night, I watched a great kids movie called “Fantastic Mr. Fox” starring the voice talents of George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Bill Murray, Willem Dafoe and others. Basically, it’s the story of a chicken thief Fox (Clooney) who finds out that his wife (Streep) is pregnant…and so he retires to raise a family and become a journalist for the local paper (he’s a fox by the way, did I mention that?). Anyway a few years down the road, he starts to feel mediocre…and decides to get back into the thieving game by robbing three local farmers of chickens & alcoholic apple cider (mmm Hornsby’s). Well, this pisses the farmers off…and they declare war on Fox and his home…and start digging up everything around him, putting his friends & family in danger. So yeah, that’s the story…but it’s full of quick wit, quirkiness, and it’s PG despite a lot of “cussing” going around, which is awesome. Director Wes Anderson (“Life Aquatic”, “Royal Tenanbaums”, etc) does a great job…and it’s actually a kid’s movie that I enjoy watching. Can’t wait to show it to my niece & nephew when they come visit. If I can get Kairi and Vinny to say “Don’t cuss with me, daddy” to my brother, I could seriously die a happy man. Anyway, do yourself a favor and check out this movie. Blame the kids if you don’t want to feel judged for renting it.

Why Bill Murray is Awesome - Talking with GQ Magazine during promotion for "Get Low", a forthright comedic legend Bill Murray gave refreshingly blunt honest answers to questions about his past work and upcoming projects. Asked if a third "Ghostbusters" film was still in the works, Murray says "It's all a bunch of crock" and went on to explain: "Harold Ramis said, Oh, I've got these guys, they write on The Office, and they're really funny. They're going to write the next Ghostbusters. And they had just written this movie that he had directed. "Year One". Well, I never went to see "Year One", but people who did, including other Ghostbusters, said it was one of the worst things they had ever seen in their lives. So that dream just vaporized. That was gone. But it's the studio that really wants this thing. It's a franchise." Lame. Though I like the fact that he’s willing to say that another movie sucks… it’s sad that there won’t be a third Ghostbusters. It probably would’ve been ruined somehow anyway… and we always have the originals. He was also asked about doing the "Garfield" movies and said that he took the job for three reasons - the money (of course), the challenge of doing voice work, and a script he thought was co-written by Joel Coen (of the Coen brothers) but was actually co-written by Joel Cohen. When it came time to record though, "the lines got worse and worse". I get the two writers mixed up from time to time myself. It’s like Nick Nolte & Gary Busey, or any of the other Baldwin brothers, it happens. Glad somebody can finally say that they did it for the money. Next one to do so, Robert DeNiro for Rocky & Bullwinkle. Write it down. “$teve, why did you agree to star in the big screen adaptation of Tetris when your only previous experience was writing the script for the action-adventure mega blockbuster Jenga?” “Because they paid me a sh*t load of money. I made more from that movie, even after taxes & paying off that hooker, than I would’ve made in over a decade at my old job. You would’ve done it too. Gladly.” Now for something dirtier than children’s flicks…

Playboy Update - Mad that you can't see stuff like this at work without yet another sexual harassment class? Finally, something for those guys who say they read Playboy for the articles: a chance to prove it. Playboy Enterprises Inc. launched a website Tuesday that it swears will be safe to browse while at work, eliminating the need for men to throw themselves over their computer screen when the boss walks by. TheSmokingJacket.com will contain none of the nudity that makes Playboy.com NSFW — not suitable for work. Instead, it'll rely on humor to reach Playboy's target audience, men 25 to 34 years old, when they are most likely to be in front of a computer screen. "A lot of our audience logs on (to Playboy.com) after work and we saw that we were missing a golden opportunity to reach guys when they're online the most: when they're sitting at their desk, not working, sending e-mails to their friends," said Jimmy Jellinek, Playboy's editorial director…and apparently he has a lot more free time during his job than most of us. The site, named after one of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner's favorite pieces of clothing (silkpajamas.com yourmomsundies.org were taken), won't include the long interviews or in-depth articles found in Playboy. Instead, it's meant to be decidedly un-serious. Or, in the parlance of its audience, ROFL — rolling on the floor, laughing. And cool, "basically a juke box of cool," said Jellinek. Among the original content visitors to the site will see is a list of signs that show a man has given up trying to attract women. They include wearing Velcro sneakers and pants with elastic waistbands — clothing Hef wouldn't be caught dead in, if he thought of wearing anything but his trademark jammies. The site will dip into the Playboy archives with photographs like those from the 1983 Playmate Playoffs, in which bathing suit-clad women competed in games such as a tug-of-war. There will be links to the kinds of things people are already e-mailing their friends, from funny moments on television shows such as "The Colbert Report" and "The Daily Show" to a Korean Parliament brawl that's been a big Web hit recently. "It's all about social currency," Jellinek said. "You want to be the first guy of your friends to send the funny joke, the crazy video ... You can be the coolest guy among your friends if you're the first person to circulate this information among them." "The ideal is to be ... the go-to site for those who are bored at work," said Matt Gibbs, the lead producer of the site. Because "Playboy" is just the kind of word that has companies putting up firewalls to keep their workers' minds on their jobs, the only thing in the name that suggests Playboy is behind the site are the bunny ears inside the 'o' in "TheSmokingJacket." The site will be updated continually in the hopes that men will return to it throughout the work day. Tim Hwang, who runs ROFLCon, an annual conference on the Internet culture, said it makes sense for Playboy to create a site for those who may not read the magazine or look at Playboy.com. "They're trying to craft another pillar for their business. This is a kind of effort away from their core audience to see if they can broaden their appeal." Playboy spokeswoman Theresa Hennessey said Playboy.com gets about 6 million unique visitors a month, and Jellinek said he will be pleased if TheSmokingJacket.com receives 1 million unique visitors a month. "The Playboy brand doesn't do small. (Amen!!!) Everything we do has to be big, has to be successful, has to be cool." So am I going to be checking this out at work? Hell no. I like my job… and I read them for the articles (my place of business was mentioned recently) so if they’re not going to be a part of this site, what’s the point? I crack myself up anyway. Then again, I kinda have an idea for my own magazine now… based on some interests of mine that could branch off from this blog (if people actually read magazines as opposed to were distracted by shiny pictures of hot women…right, Lilie?)

New Local Business Opportunities – Oakland, California has moved closer to becoming the first city in the nation to authorize wholesale pot cultivation. The Oakland City Council voted 5-2 with one abstention late Tuesday in favor of a plan to license four production plants where marijuana would be grown, packaged and processed. The vote came after more than two hours of public comment, with speakers divided between those who opposed the measure (largely on the grounds that it would put small medical marijuana growers out of business, not conservative types) and those who said it would generate millions of dollars for Oakland in taxes and sales and create hundreds of jobs. The plants would not be limited in size (one potential applicant for a license wants to open a plant that would produce over 21,000 pounds of pot a year) but they would be heavily taxed and regulated. Those vying for one of the four licenses would have to pay $211,000 in annual permit fees, carry $2 million worth of liability insurance and be prepared to devote up to 8% of gross sales to taxes. Proponents of the measure also touted the possibility of Oakland becoming the nation's cannabis capital, especially if California voters approve the legalization of recreational marijuana in November. "Do you want to be the "Silicon Valley of Cannabis?" said Jeff Wilcox, a local businessman who wants to build "AgraMed," a 7.4-acre plant with a bakery (oh yes), a lab and 100,000 square feet of cultivation space. But Stephen DeAngelo, executive director of Harborside Health Center, the largest medical marijuana dispensary in the world, said small growers were coming to him terrified that the ordinance would mean the end of their livelihoods (and private stashes). One of the co-sponsors of the ordinance, Rebecca Kaplan, said the ordinance would not take effect until January, giving the council time to come up with a plan for medium-sized growers. Councilwoman Nancy Nadel said she worried about quality of the product (sticky icky), wanted environmental protections and questioned why the council was voting on the measure now if it wasn't going to take effect until January. She must be new & unaware of how slow, tedious & completely retarded the whole of government bureaucracy is. The measure will go before the council one more time for a final vote, but the outcome isn't expected to change. So what do you think? Could Oakland be the new Silicon Valley of Cannabis? It’s conveniently located in northern California where they pretty much have the infrastructure already established (though illegally) and plenty of out-of-work potheads and entrepreneurs ready to work. They’d be taxed the hell out of to allegedly help the rest of the state. It could be a good business… depending on certain other legislations down the road. Don’t get too excited just yet though, stoners. Even if all this goes through, AND they legalize recreational use, AND you can afford their uber-taxed product… your job will still have drug tests and that probably won’t change, even if years down the road there’s a national referendum or something. It’s like saying you can’t show up to work drunk. Hmm… maybe this industry needs an entrepreneur like myself that is only satisfied with a superior product and doesn’t get high on his own supply. Then again, there are a few other ideas that I’m batting around to get me into that upper echelon of taxation…

Bank Robbing Monthly – For the last little while, there have been a number of bank robbing updates. What if there was a magazine with step-by-step breakdowns of both successful & disastrous attempts, in-depth interviews with legendary thieves & actors who portray them, elaborate workout routines to keep you limber and adaptable to any situation, lock-picking exercises, new & surprising non-lethal techniques, and of course I throw in a bunch of three-quarter naked women to keep everybody entertained? Would you subscribe? Of course I can get retired criminals to meet for interviews…or at the very least webchat from a country with no extradition treaty. You don’t think so? Well, that’s like… your opinion, man. Anyway, in the meantime, I’ll just have to settle for my own admiration. New York City's bouquet bandit has a green thumb. Police said Tuesday that a man wanted for robbing a Manhattan bank while armed with a bouquet of flowers has struck before — using a potted plant. On Monday, police released a security photo of a man holding fresh flowers that were neatly bundled in pink tissue paper and plastic. Hidden inside the arrangement was a note demanding $50 and $100 bills and a message for the teller, "Don't be a hero." On July 10th, police say the same man appeared at another Manhattan bank, holding a threatening note under a leafy plant and handing it to a teller. He reached over the counter grabbed the cash before he fled, leaving the plant behind. He is still at large. Not a bad setup. You distract the teller with the guise of a special delivery from a loved one…or at the very least a great smelling error in their favor. Simple note: Don’t make a scene because I’ve got gardening shears and a wicked weed killing spray, big bills, non-sequential, enjoy the flowers as a memento, thank you very much. I’m wondering if the pot or the flowers or even the note can be traced back to a place of purchase, or where he works…but I’m sure he’s thought about all that ahead of time. All in all, I give it a B+. For one, he is still at large, nobody got hurt (except maybe a few wilting hearts broken), simple plan, small crew, and he got the money. Really, just great execution. Sure it doesn’t have the flash & pizzazz or the serious monetary value worthy of a big budget Hollywood movie…but did you ever notice that most of those movie that are based on true stories, they get caught? Maybe not in the movie… but the real life version, they get caught…and they write a book about the experience while in prison…and that’s why it becomes a movie. Anyway, at least he leaves behind a little something to help with the emotional nature of robbery – a pretty plant for some lucky lady to take home.

BRM: Part Deux - A man wearing a surgical mask and medical-style latex gloves robbed a bank in Central Falls, Rhode Island. Police said the man entered the Bank of America branch Saturday morning, jumped the counter and grabbed some cash. Police said the man didn't show a weapon and apparently fled on foot. Police haven't said how much money was stolen. The man was described as white, wearing a green polo shirt, tan shorts and black shoes… in addition to the surgical mask & latex gloves. This… gets a D+ from me. He did get away… but it was basically a snatch-and-run. He probably made away with $34 in ones & fives. Strippers make more in two T-Pain songs’ time & at least use a fake name like Sapphire and distracting gyrating movements when they rob you. This gentleman approaches the counter dressed like a golf-playing tourist paranoid of SARS and just lounges at the counter, grabs for what he could, and then runs off. It could’ve been worse though. He could’ve tried to take everybody hostage or something. “(loud muffled jibberish)” “What?” “(louder muffled jibberish)” “I can’t hear you through the mask, sir. Do you have an account with us?” Lifts up the mask negating any reasoning behind bringing it along for the ride, “I said put the money in the bag.” “What bag sir?” “This f**king bag.” “Sir, that’s a bandana.” “What? Dammit!!! Wrong pocket. Dammit!!! The other one’s empty. It must still be back… never mind. Just put the money in the bindle and nobody gets hurt. Damn gloves… all they do is make my hands sweaty.” “Here you are sir. Anything else?” “You only put like a hundred bucks in there.” “Sir, if you want your ‘loot’ wrapped up in a bandana there are certain limitations to what…” “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN TH… (thunk)” He’s pistol whipped from behind by the security guard who’s had enough of his crap. No pizzazz, no flare, may end up on Funniest Police Videos or something like that with narration like “Look at this character!” and a few stupid puns thrown in. D+ all the way…

X-Men Update - Jennifer Lawrence, the star of the Sundance-winning indie drama "Winter's Bone", has been cast as a young Mystique in Fox's "X-Men: First Class" says Heat Vision. Kevin Bacon is also confirmed to be playing the villain, but details of the role are being kept secret Rumor has it that it might be Sebastian Shaw. Don’t know who that is? Sigh… then why are we talking? Anyway, Lawrence joins confirmed cast members James McAvoy (Professor X), Michael Fassbender (Magneto), Nicholas Hoult (Beast), Alice Eve (Emma Frost), Caleb Landry Jones (Banshee) and Lucas Till (Havok). Filming kicks off late summer in London. Hey, I like it when young up-and-coming actresses get their chance to make some mother f**king money with comic book & video game flicks. She can even pull off the young Rebecca Romijn-Stamos with eyes like that. Remember Angelina before Lara Croft? All those little indie flicks. You never watched “Gia”! Even when you found out that she was naked in it! And yeah… she’s totally naked too. You still haven’t seen “Girl, Interrupted” and she won a f**king Academy Award for that… AND Winona Ryder’s in it. When did you find out about Angelina? Tomb Raider!!! You probably watch “Gone in 60 Seconds” and “Mr & Mrs Smith” whenever they’re on TV (and they’re ALWAYS on TV somewhere). I kid you not, I'm watching her & Brad on FX RIGHT NOW. Admit it, you are too. Are you going to see “Salt” this weekend? I’m just saying, sometimes actresses like this hit it big after a few indies. Do I think Jennifer Lawrence is the next Angelina? Haven’t seen anything she’s done. Won’t even speculate. I’m just saying… she could be huge. Absolute worst-case, she’s probably be on the cover of Maxim soon in blue body paint… and I refuse to hate on that.

Lesbian Werewolf Update – Speaking of indie flicks with hotties, so remember how a few years ago I told you about this lesbian werewolf movie called “Jack & Diane” that was going to star Ellen Page & Olivia Thirlby from “Juno” but then… it didn’t happen that way? Yes, interest was waning in this project that was loaded with sweet, sticky, funky potential (but would probably get ruined somehow by an overly artsy director or something) until I read this. The Aussie singer who I just can’t get out of my head, Kylie Minogue (Cammy in “Street Fighter”), has signed on to play a heavily tattooed lesbian in the teen romance drama "Jack and Diane" reports The NY Post. The story follows two teenage girls in New York City - the charmingly innocent Diane (Juno Temple of “Year One”) whose affection manages to pierce the heart of the tough and closed off Jack (Jena Malone, who was raised her in Tahoe, played a young Jodie Foster in “Contact” and played the sister in “Into the Wild”). About to leave the country, Diane struggles to keep their love alive but hides the fact her newly awakened sexual desire has given her werewolf-like visions. Riley Keough also stars. A source tells the paper "Kylie does have one love scene where she kisses a girl. Her fans will be surprised to see her in this role, but her performance is good." Giggidy! Bradley Rust Gray ("The Exploding Girl") directs and shooting aims to kick off this summer. Minogue's last major role was in the "Doctor Who" 2007 Christmas special "Voyage of the Damned" and I’m pretty sure she still tours. Anyway, while we wait for the movie (it has at least two of my ten key words), just enjoy the pictures. I plan on it.

On that note, I think I’ll call it a day. Gotta get ready for visitors that may move in. Again, I’ll keep you posted on these interesting events… and others that seem to pop up unexpectedly. Again, happy birthday Bubbles!!! I’ll be sure to sing you a little song later. Have a great night everybody!!! Oh...and tell me one thing, do you have any idea why I love this picture so much...and want it hanging in my home, just as a conversation starter... and to see if anybody notices... Thank you again!!!

1 comment:

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