Thursday, July 15, 2010

Did I Stutter?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So the date last night was…well, let’s just run it down. After work, I drove a HUNDRED MILES to Sacramento to meet up with, we’ll call her Lodi, at Sandra Dee’s for some soul food. We meet up, order a beer & some food, chatting away and having a pretty good time. I ask her about her day off playing golf and some of the places she’s lived. Kid you not, pretty much the only thing she asked me was “So, my roommate and I have a bet. Do Mormons drink caffeine?” “Ugh… I think it’s frowned upon a little bit in the super religious families… but just about everybody I’ve ever met in Utah drinks coffee and/or Mountain Dew. Maybe a Red Bull on occasion.” “Okay thanks. (Text away to her roommate) There was just this guy at work who went on a mission and to BYU and all that junk…and he was drinking a Mountain Dew and we totally called him on it…and he said that it was only hot caffeine that they couldn’t have.” “I’m not an expert by any means…but what I recall from being ten years old in Sunday school is no caffeine…but I remember Jesus being big on moderation from Catholicism too so… yeah. How’s the shrimp Creole?” Still texting away. Anyway, it kinda went from there. After about 45 minutes, we leave the restaurant (I paid for dinner being a gentleman) and she wants to go pick up some smokes, so we walk to a corner store, she gets them…and then we’re just kinda standing on the corner for a second. “So… did you want to walk over to Old Sacramento or we could just hop in my Jeep right there and find a place to park. I know it’s like two miles from here.” “I don’t know, parking is such a pain over there.” “Okay so… did you want to walk it then?” “We should just call it a night.” “(Stunned for a sec while I look for sarcasm) Really?” “Yeah… sorry. Nice to meet you and everything. Thanks for dinner. Really sorry that you had to drive a hundred miles.” “(really looking for sarcasm now, smile to see if she’s playing) Alright. It was nice meeting you. Drive home safe.” Walk away… The funny thing - I’m not the least bit broken up about it…because I knew from about ten minutes in that it wasn’t going to go anywhere (eye contact & the cell phone thing, hell mine was blowing up in my pocket but I wasn’t going to answer it). So really it was just her saying “Hey, this is just a waste of our time…and I know you don’t want to be driving through the Sierras around midnight just to humor this so… bye.” That’s about the most noble way that I can put it…because she probably just wanted a free dinner & to pretty much waste my whole f**king night. Either way, she succeeded. So yeah, can’t wait to forget about her with another date…or just some adult beverages…and maybe Truckee Thursdays is the place to find one or both. Here’s the news…

Oh God Indeed – As you know, I am a huge fan of the “Oh God!” movies with George Burns and John Denver. Well, producer Jerry Weintraub has pitched a remake of 1977 George Burns comedy "Oh, God!" to Warner Bros. Pictures reports Deadline. The big selling point of the new version? The sole surviving Golden Girl Betty White as the title character, while Paul Rudd was pitched for the role of the hapless mortal which John Denver played in the original. Weintraub produced the original and has had experience on this front as he also produced both the original and the recent remake of "The Karate Kid". It has potential. I mean… who else could play the part? Don Rickles? Drugs & time have taken all the other comedians that would be in that age demographic. Sigh… Sam Kinison would’ve made a great God. Burgess Meredith too. Angry Gods…but hey, George Burns had to tone it down about three notches to play alongside John Denver. Ah well, we’ll see how this goes. Still in the works anyway. Besides, you know what they say…

Older the Berry, Sweeter the Juice – Okay, so there reaches a point where we’re talking raisins…but check this out. According to a new study, women in their 30s and 40s are more willing to engage in a variety of sexual activities to capitalize on their remaining childbearing years. The results show women ages 27 to 45 have a heightened sex drive in response to their dwindling fertility. Such "reproduction expediting" includes one-night stands and adventurous bedroom behavior, the research shows. "Our findings suggest that women don't need to necessarily go 'baby crazy' in their 30s or go around thinking they're supposed to be having a 'sexual peak,'" said study researcher Judith Easton, a psychology graduate student at the University of Texas at Austin. "Our results suggest there is nothing special about the 30s, but that instead these behaviors manifest in all women with declining fertility. It may be more difficult to conceive past the age of 35, but our research suggests women's psychology will continue to motivate them to try until menopause." The researchers recruited 827 women from the University of Texas at Austin and from (always a great place to find chicks…er, so I’m told). Most of the participants, 661, had no children. The women were split into three groups: high fertility (ages 18 to 26); low fertility (27 to 45): and menopausal (46 and up). The respondents answered an online questionnaire about their sexual attitudes and behavior. Compared with the other groups, women in the low-fertility group were more likely to experience:

  • Frequent sexual fantasies (giggidy)

  • Thoughts about sexual activities (dream giggidy)

  • More intense sexual fantasies than their younger counterparts (please describe in detail)

  • A more active sex life and willingness to have a one-night stand (“Whatchu drinkin’?”)

  • A greater willingness to have casual sex (“Or we could just f**k…”)

Contrary to their predictions, the researchers found that both low- and high-fertility women (excluding menopausal women) who were in relationships fantasized equally about their current romantic partners and other people. According to a 2010 report from the Pew Research Center's Social & Demographic Trends, mothers of newborns in all race and ethnic groups are now older than their counterparts 20 years ago. 14% of births in 2008 were to women ages 35 and older, and 10% were to teens. With more women having children past their peak childbearing years, Easton says the research will have implications on reproductive and sexual health issues, such as fertility, sexual dysfunction and marital development. The results will be published in an upcoming issue of the journal Personality and Individual Differences, so go cop that. See ladies, life isn’t over past thirty. Hell, I keep hearing it’s the new twenty or whatever. Besides, I know of at least one 29-year old stud that’s interested in helping you with your frequent sexual fantasies. You gotta keep the mind & body active, otherwise you get Alzheimer’s. I read that somewhere, I’m sure…in a magazine, definitely didn’t just make it up on the spot.

Sex Drive – However, you just have to remember to be careful out there with your sexual exploration. For example, authorities say a New Jersey woman told them she was carjacked to cover up the fact that her car crashed because she was having sex. The 23-year-old had initially told police she got lost on Sunday and asked a man for directions, then the man pulled her out of the car at gunpoint and threw her to the ground. Police say she later admitted she picked up a man and let him drive, and the car crashed into a tree while they were engaged in a sex act. Officers say the car had been set on fire (burn the evidence a.k.a. “Love stains”). The woman is accused of filing a false police report. She has refused to identify the man…or probably just can’t. “I didn’t ask the dude’s name. I picked him up on the side of the road, gave him a ZJ, and his stupid ass ran into a tree. I hit my head…and when I came to, he was gone. Then I burned the car to cover my tracks.” “What’s a ZJ?” “If you have to ask… look, all I can tell you to help you find this man is look for somebody in Newark with a limp like he had an avocado up his (edit) while somebody (elaborate edit) and then hit his head on a steering wheel when he ran a Hyundai Sonata into a (edit) tree cuz there was noooo way we could get the seatbelt in there. Oh…and he may have waffle iron burn marks on his nipples too.” “Wow. That was… amazingly unhelpful. Thank you.” All it really means it this 23-year old is freak mature beyond her years. According to that study, the ladies don’t get that adventurous until they hit 27, right?

Study in Stereotypes – Have you ever wanted to do a scientific study of stereotypes? Me too. Why isn’t there sufficient funding for this stuff? Do all African-Americans like fried chicken? Of course they do. Everybody does. Are Asians the worst drivers? Why can’t white guys dance? Are all French people pricks…or just the ones that still talk to us? Burning questions raised by comedians around the world…yet no basis in reality, thereby furthering the stereotypes. Well, ladies & gentlemen, because I feel so strongly about this stuff, I present to you one such study. Have you ever wondered why the fastest people in land in track & field are consistently of African descent? While a swim meet looks like a Merle Haggard concert? Well, scientists have found the reason why blacks dominate on the running track and whites in the swimming pool… and according to a study published on Monday, it's because of their belly-buttons. Surprised? Keep reading. What's important is not whether an athlete has an innie or an outie but where his or her navel is in relation to the rest of the body, says the study published in the International Journal of Design and Nature and Ecodynamics. The navel is the center of gravity of the body, and given two runners or swimmers of the same height, one black and one white, "what matters is not total height but the position of the belly-button, or center of gravity," Duke University professor Andre Bejan, the lead author of the study, told AFP. "It so happens that in the architecture of the human body of West African-origin runners, the center of gravity is significantly higher than in runners of European origin," which puts them at an advantage in sprints on the track, he said. Individuals of West African-origin have longer legs than European-origin athletes, which means their belly-buttons are three centimeters (1.18 inches) higher than whites', said Bejan. That means the black athletes have a "hidden height" that is 3% greater than whites', which gives them a significant speed advantage on the track. "Locomotion is essentially a continual process of falling forward, and mass that falls from a higher altitude, falls faster," Bejan explained. In the pool, meanwhile, whites have the advantage because they have longer torsos, making their belly-buttons lower in the general scheme of body architecture. "Swimming is the art of surfing the wave created by the swimmer. The swimmer who makes the bigger wave is the faster swimmer, and a longer torso makes a bigger wave. Europeans have a three-percent longer torso than West Africans, which gives them a 1.5-percent speed advantage in the pool," he said. Asians have the same long torsos as Europeans, giving them the same potential to be record-breakers in the pool. But they often lose out to whites because whites are taller, said Bejan. Many scientists have avoided studying why blacks make better sprinters and whites better swimmers because of what the study calls the "obvious" race angle. But Bejan said the study he conducted with Edward Jones, a professor at Howard University in Washington, and Duke graduate Jordan Charles, focused on the athletes' geographic origins and biology, not race, which the authors of the study call a "social construct." (Nice cover) Bejan is white, originally from Romania, and Jones is black, from South Carolina. They charted and analyzed nearly 100 years of records in men's and women's sprinting and 100-meters freestyle swimming for the study. Kudos for being bold and finding answers to these questions, gentlemen. Now you know at least one scientific theory. Next up, how the hell is the tallest guy in the NBA Chinese? The shocking answer, coming soon…

Bacon Update - Casting talk about the upcoming prequel "X-Men: First Class" continues to rage like a runaway fire with two new names coming onboard and one rumored name departing today. Deadline report that Nicholas Hoult ("A Single Man," "Skins") will play a young Beast, and Lucas Till ("Hannah Montana: The Movie") will play Havok. The 20-year-old Hoult is said to be replacing Benjamin Walker who was involved but left the project. “$teve, what are you talking about? This isn’t a bacon update? Hell, this is more of a Hannah Montana update or Nerddom or something?” Oh really? Then I must’ve forgot to mention that THE Kevin Bacon is in talks to play a key villain in this movie. That’s right. Kevin Bacon. I personally think he would be awesome. One thing though, they didn’t mention which character he was going to play…which got me & my brother’s nerdy minds a going. Personally, I’m hoping for something like Mister Sinister. Pale, evil creepy smile, telekinetic powers, could totally use an actor like Kevin to pull it off. The only thing is…at least in the cartoons, that guy is HUGE. I’ve met Kevin Bacon. Not so huge. Sure, you can get around that with camera angles & CGI…but that’s not his style. I wonder if they’re planning on him being a young Stryker or something (Brian Cox played Stryker in the earlier flicks, this is a prequel in case you didn’t know). Then my brother made a suggestion to me that just about made me sh*t my pants. “You know who I want to see in an X-Men movie? Cable!!!” Oh yeah, the time traveling Charlton Heston of the future. I’m thinking maybe some kind of incredibly ill-conceived time traveling angle with the aforementioned Heston as Cable, Bacon as the arrogant time terrorist Trevor Fitzroy, & maybe throw in Terry Crews as Bishop. F**k yeah!!! That could be it’s own movie. Then again… from a storytelling standpoint, you don’t want to f**k it up with a lot of time travel paradoxes and stuff like that. You might confuse all the kiddies going to watch the movie…and definitely the older people. Anyway, as always I’ll keep you posted with what I learn about Kevin Bacon’s character. Stay tuned…

Why Does Porky Stutter? – We may know why Porky the Pig has had a stuttering problem over the years… and as suspected… it may be a long traumatic history of random assault and abuse. Police said authorities at Six Flags Great America ejected two off-duty employees from the theme park after they allegedly attacked a female colleague dressed as "Porky Pig." Gurnee Police Sgt. Jon Ward says two young men took a photo with Porky on Monday afternoon, and then punched the mascot in the head 10 to 15 times. Ward said park security detained the men until police arrived. He said the men were issued local ordinance citations for battery. He said the suspects denied the attack, but witnesses confirmed the story. The 24-year-old woman inside the mascot costume suffered headaches and a stiff neck. This may be on par with Jay & Silent Bob sucker punching the Easter Bunny…but the question remains – What really led to the attack? Drunken dicketry? Mistaken identity? Did they think it was another coworker in the costume that day? Fit of violent, passionate rage? Is there some kind of love triangle going on between the parties involved? Did Porky say one the attackers had a “pdyeh pdyeh ugh pint-sized pecker”? Demonic possession? We may never know…and probably because nobody else really cares. I’m curious though.

Anyway, that’ll do it for tonight I guess. Don’t really have any plans yet for this weekend…but we’ll see. I’d like to wish a happy birthday to my baby brother out there. He’s 27 years young today…and will be celebrating bachelorhood barbecue style over the weekend. Wish I could be there bro… but yeah, that’s about 550 miles each direction… and I thought my 200 mile radius for random rendezvous was pretty lenient (just ask Lodi who got a free meal out of it). Anyway, happy birthday bro!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

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