Good Afternoon Ladies &
Gentlemen,
It’s been a busy few weeks… but it’s leading up to the
Utah vacation… and of course, Bacon Day before that. By the way, apparently the Academy of Science has read my posts and is trying to steal my thunder mere days before my event… but I called dibs, b**ches! That’s why my event is going to be
even grander… just without dinosaur bones & bio-domes. Let’s see what’s been
happening…
I’m sure you don’t want to hear about my job… and
frankly, I don’t wanna talk about it… but it’s been taking up a long of my day
as you might expect. In the evenings, we had a test run on Bacon Day last
Tuesday and sampled five of the features… bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers
(cheddar filled), bacon wrapped red pepper & garlic sausages, BLT, bacon
grilled cheese… and a small version of… DA BOMB!!! Basically it’s Italian
sausage mixed with cheddar, chives & various other ingredients, weaved in
bacon strips, covered in a BBQ rub & BBQ sauce, slow cooked over a few
hours… and then covered in sauce again…
BEHOLD!!!
All were delicious and fantastic… and most other nights
was catching up on TV and playing the video game that my brother sent me
“Assassin’s Creed Revelations” which is the latest in the AC series, this time
set in Constantinople (pre-Istanbul) around 1510 AD or so. I REALLY enjoy the
series… and anxiously await AC3 coming this Halloween set in the American
Colonies circa 1775. Anyway, for those who may have not played these games
before… the story is modern day people are using a machine that can relive an
individual’s ancestral memories in a virtual reality environment. So like if you
went back a few generations, you could theoretically live out your
great-great-grandpa banging your great-great-grandma… but when they were both
teenagers. Obviously that’s not the use they put it to into this game, rather
they go back into the memories of a bartender, whose lineage includes assassins
back to the time of the Crusades (original game) and they’ve been trying to find
answers to the location of some powerful objects that could shape the fate of
the world. So that’s the story… as for the gameplay, it’s pretty amazing with
how your character can jump and move about the city environments… and the detail
of the environments if really good too. It’s kind of one of those things that
you’d have to play to understand (or I’m just a sh**ty writer) but I highly
recommend it.
Over the weekend, I hung out with Dizzy… and get this,
my ladyfriend had one goal this weekend… and that was to watch “Showgirls” with
her gentlemanfriend. How many guys out there can say that? Allow me to elaborate
before you inquire about my ladyfriend having a penis. You may or may not know
this… but Dizzy is a HUGE fan of comedian Adam Carolla (again, she doesn’t have
a penis, I’ve checked extensively) that you may remember from “The Man Show”,
“Drawn Together”, “Family Guy” or maybe the world’s most successful podcast.
Well, he has this thing that he does called “Basic Cable Commentary” where he
& a few guest comedians watch movies that they saw on basic cable (others
include “The Karate Kid Part 3” & “Road House”) and basically watch them
with the microphones on… and have hilarious comments. Basically it’s like
watching bad movies with your buddies… if your buddies also happened to be
millionaire celebrities with fixations for classic cars. Anyway, one of these
commentaries was for the classic horrible movie “Showgirls” starring Elizabeth
Berkeley & Kyle McLachlan… and the commentary featured Adam and comedian
Dana Gould portrayal of PBS legend Hule Howser (if you don’t know how that is…
google him, he’s the host of “California’s Gold”). Ergo, she wanted to watch it
with me… and Adam… and Hule. Good times were had… and I had almost forgotten how
horrible a movie it really is… especially the last ten minutes. By the way, you
may be privy to a similar concept of commentary one day when I watch bad movies
with the roommates… or maybe another entry in my live football commentary…
you’ve been warned.
Saturday, after a breakfast of donuts, we headed to
Oakland Coliseum (aka O.co Coliseum… or as I prefer, the Big O) to see the
Oakland football Raiders host the Detroit “Why is you” Lions in a preseason
showdown of biblical importance (to atheists). Thanks to StubHub we got some
pretty fantastic tickets on the 10th row right behind the Lions bench for about $20 a pop…
and with the Lions being Dizzy’s favorite team (you thought I was a glutton for
punishment with the Eagles) we had a pretty good time… and the game was even
pretty decent. Interesting little tidbits of the game: The only Pro Bowlers on
the Raiders for the past decade or so have been their kickers & they’ve been
hands down the best in the league. However, punter Shane Lechler is… I don’t
know… 54 years old now? And I think that Polish sports icon Sebastian
Janikowski’s heavy drinking may finally be catching up with him because he
missed a fairly easy kick in the first quarter… almost making him look mortal.
Then they brought out this new kid Carmona who just before the half hit a 58
yarder from the dirt of the 2nd base line (still baseball season so the dirt was out)
so that reign of supreme kickers may not be coming to a close quite yet… and
that’s a good thing because aside from backup quarterback / disgraced Ohio State
alum Terrell Pryor having a few big runs in the second half, there wasn’t a
whole lot to get excited about… but then again, it’s the preseason… and beer
helps with excitement. WOOOO!!!
After the game, we had some pizza at Albany Pizza
Company (decent pizza & giant slices and a soda for $5) then watched
“Hidalgo” starring Viggo Mortensen. Now, this was one of my dad’s favorite
movies… and he watched it a lot when I had first moved out into my first lone
wolf apartment a few years back… but I had never sat down & watched it with
him. It was actually pretty good. From director Joe Johnston (specializes in
period action pieces like “The Rocketeer”, “Captain America” & “Wolfman”)
comes the true story of a man (Mortenson) who joins Buffalo Bill Cody’s wild
west show after the destruction of his mother’s Sioux tribe… and is basically in
a bad place… but with a good horse named Hidalgo & apparently he can ride
with the best of them and has never lost a long-distance race. Well, an Arab
noble graces one of these shows… and basically says American horses are sh*t
& can never ride with Arabians… which I’m no horse expert, but may very well
be true. It might be like the Saudi Arabian national basketball team going
against any average American high school team for all I know, but in reverse.
Regardless, it’s the setting for an underdog story… so they go to this
3000-mile, two-month long race across the barren asscrack of the world known as
the Arabian desert… and you throw in a few plot twists, Bob’s your uncle, and
you’ve got yourself a flick. I liked it. Check it out if you
want.
Fun fact: We were at the local video store picking out a
few selections for the weekend… and I wanted to share the delight of the
wonderful comedy “Hamlet 2” that I’ve shared with you repeatedly. Now… I
couldn’t find it in the comedy section, which you know, maybe they just didn’t
have it because it wasn’t really advertised much & probably grossed enough
to cover Elizabeth Shue’s nurse outfit. So Dizzy asked the checkout guy… and it
was in… wait for it… The William Shakespeare section. Yes ladies &
gentlemen… Hamlet 2… which has an entire act of the movie entitled “Hope is a
Demon Bitch” was located right between the original Hamlet & Midsummer
Night’s Dream. I thought it was hilarious. Wanna know what else was
hilarious?
Something titled “Midgets vs. Mascots” has laughs
written all over it just as a concept. Well, this movie is basically what you
would expect… starring the likes of the late great Gary Coleman and he’s
referred to as “The Shaquille O’Neal of Little People” so that should tell you
right there it’s pretty good. Basically it’s a mockumentary about a deceased
millionaire named Big Red and during the reading of his will, his money is to be
distributed through a competition of his fellow little people… versus his fellow
mascots… coached by his bratty douche son & gold digger wife… oh and did I
mention that Big Red was a midget mascot? Surprise! Anyway, it goes from there…
and yeah, just check it out if you can find it. Ron Jeremy is in it… and he’s
never starred in anything that sucked… well, that sucked the bad way.
HEDGEHOG!!!
Anyway, that’s pretty much it. Bacon Day is this
Saturday… and pictures will be forthcoming… along with the family reunion in
Utah immediately after. So yeah… have a great weekend everybody!!!
Deuces!
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