2012 $tevie Awards

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again… time to hand out the world’s most prestigious awards. Forget the Academy Awards, the Nobel Prize, the Medal of Honor, all those other cheap trinkets out there… tonight, we celebrate the past 12 months with…

The 2012 $tevies

So as you know, about six years ago, I stumbled upon this stupid questionnaire back when MySpace was relevant & have been doing it ever since… but it’s a good little template for self-reflection… and reflection on the year that was 2012. For your viewing pleasure, I’ve also added links so that you can go “back into time” and witness some of these events if you would like. No need to thank me, just pay it forward. Aside from that though, I’m being extremely lazy this year… and once again, I’m not even going to present my own awards. That’s right, I run this b**ch… and I’ve decided to ask some more of my friends to help me out. More like tell them that they’re going to help with absolutely no explicit written or implied verbal consent of using their likenesses or caricatures. Allow me to introduce & turn the festivities over to our host of the prestigious $tevies this year… RoboCop…

“Good evening, citizens. Tonight's prerogative is the dispensing of metallic statutes to winning candidates determined by electoral process. Touch your palms together repeatedly for the first figurehead to distribute said awards, Sterling Archer..."

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: “Hello there everyone... yes, it is I, Sterling Archer, the world's greatest secret agent. SUCK IT, BOND!!! I am here to... LINE!!! Oh yeah... I am here to give this thing to... I don't know, somebody this guy got drunk with I think. Envelope please! What? What? WHAT? Oh sh*t, it's up here on the podium? Thank you, snooty Theatre degree holder who's too ugly for the stage... and the winner is... BUBBLES? Seriously, you have a friend named BUBBLES? What the sh*t? Are you a reclusive king of pop without a childhood? That's great, everybody should have a monkey to drink with. IT'S A WOMAN!!! She had better have ginormous breasts for a name like... what's that? Oh she does... very well then. I assume she will now come up here for the award & complimentary chest massage that goes along with this incredible achievement via the world's greatest secret agent. Oh, she's not here? What the hell kind of awards show is this? Are you sponsored by Blockbuster Video or something? Later Gator..."

 

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): "Hello everyone, I'm Joe Montana. Many of you on the internet know me as that guy from the commercials about the shoes with the supporting arches... but I was once the greatest quarterback to ever live. I'm here tonight to give due to a good friend for many many years... Isaiah. Now that his friend $teve is living here in San Francisco, hanging out with me on Sundays as we talk about the good ol' days of football, he often mentions this guy... mostly in phrases like 'My buddy Isaiah would literally sh*t himself if he knew that I was hanging out with Joe Montana' or 'You know who else would like to play with your trophies like action figures, my buddy Isaiah.' It's great... and a great way to show that he misses this guy even when he's here in the Bay Area living the good life. So this one's for you, Isaiah. Catch!" (Bionic Man noise as he button hooks a $tevie from the Bay to Isaiah's couch) "Gratitude, football cyborg. Transition to next award."

 

NEWCOMER AWARD: "Hello everybody, my name is Adriana Lima. As a long time admirer of $teve aka Dr Mookie Love, I is so proud to present dees award for New-cummer of ze year... to Miss Dizzy. Since I have tried to move on from the unstoppable attractive force that is heem, by marrying a man as close as I could to his exact dimensions (Marko Jaric), I know how luckys you is to be wit such a man... and I no heez happy that you be wit heem. Gracias Miss Dizzy... and don't take advantage of heem... for he is the wind... and no woman can contain heem... sigh... he's still the talk of the annual show backstage with all of the other angels... oh no, it is so steamy in here with all of the ladies thinking about heem that RoboCop isn't working right..." "Warning! Warning! Malfunction! Malfunction! New p-p-p-prime directive is to dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance FREEZE! Now shake your posterior vigorously! WARNING! KANYE & KARDASHIAN ARE WITHIN THE PERIMETER!!!"

SONG FOR 2012: "WE'RE PREGGERS!!! You all still care, right? Irregardless, we are here to present the award for song of the year... but cuz most new music is all auto-tuned to hell, y'all welcome, and Adele gets all the love in the world, there's no award this year... I just wanted to come up here & show you my baby mama's ace! THE ROC IS IN THE BUILDING!!! On to the next one..."

 

MOVIE FOR 2012: "Okay $teve, I get it... you haven't seen my new movie Django Unchained yet, u'kay u'kay... I get it, movie tickets are ridiculously expensive, you were busy during the holidays, whatever. And this was a year with a lot of competition... I mean you had the Avengers movie, which was like six superhero movies in one... you had the classy picture Lincoln with Daniel Day-Lewis actin' his ass off... and you even had a bunch of hyped crap like the last Harry Potter, the last Twilight & even other movies dealing with slavery like mine & Lincoln... but instead it was Lincoln hunting f**king vampires who kept slavery going? Really? Come on... even I think that's ridiculous... and you know I've seen just about every movie ever made. The thing that gets me though... is this was supposed to be the year... when you finally matched up my brilliance... against the Batman... head to head... mano e mano... and you gave this award to f**king BATMAN for "Dark Knight Rises" saying that you haven't seen the other one. I specifically held out until the last week of the year so that you would have it fresh in your mind for these awards... and you f**ked me! I demand to know.... right now... head to head... mano y mano... who's it going to be? Me? Or the Bat? Whoa, watch it Tin Man!" "Time limit exceeded! Vacate the stage for the next presenter, the Batman!"

VIDEO GAME FOR 2012: (Christian Bale's Batman voice) "I'm Batman... and this year had some great new video game titles for the PS3 video console... and $teve even had time to play some of them this year. So did he pick MY game, Arkham City? It's a great game... how about Assassin’s Creed III? It's a lot like me... but traveling through time or something, I don't know... the story's a little out there... but you get the idea, they're just kinda trying to rip me off. Still, pretty awesome... because I'm Batman... and everything within three degrees of me is awesome... but the game that $teve probably played the most this year was NCAA Football 2013. That's right, a football game... but this one actually has a lot of versatility & game modes that he really likes more than any recent game that he's purchased... but all are great games... and since Barry Sanders isn't going to come take this award... I'll take it on his beha... wait a minute... where did it go?" Pops up behind Batman, "Ah-ha! It is I, Ezio Auditore! I have stolen the award from under you... Deuces!" (smoke bomb & both disappear)

TV SHOW FOR 2012: "Good evening everyone, great to see you, welcome to the Report... oh wait, sorry, force of habit, I'm Stephen Colbert! (hold for applause) Yes... yes... Yes, I know... I'm happy to see me too... but I am not here for me... I am here, for another me... another fellow great $teve... and to present this award for the greatest TV show of 2012... and though there are great shows out there like Game of Thrones, Archer, Breaking Bad & countless others... this award should be for new shows... or at least newly discovered... so narrowly beating out My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding... we have... VH1's Couples Therapy starring the great, the one... and thankfully the only... tonight's musical guest, Sir Earl Simmons... or perhaps better known as... DMX, WHAT'S MY MUTHA F**KIN NAAAAME!!!"

 "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, WHAT??? COME ON!!!"

HALLOWEEN COSTUME: "Since I'm already up here... he was Waldo again for Halloween... yeah, he totally phoned it in..."

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: "He also likes Jacques dans le Boite... so here's the next presenter... and a good friend of $teve... Mister Adam Carolla"

BOOK OF THE YEAR: “Hey everybody, $teve read my book 'In Fifty Years, We’ll All Be Chicks' from a few years ago... and my new audio book 'Not Taco Bell Material... so that's pretty f**king awesome... I'm not sure what else you guys need to know about the book or anything... but it's basically stories of my life... and a bunch of rants from a bitter old white guy... not entirely unlike this blog... so yeah, if you like this, you might like them... is that good? Do I get my check now? Thanks.”

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: "Oh... and since I'm up here... I'll tell you who's a real douchebag... whoever the hell is making everything so f**king expensive nowadays despite being in a recession. Whoever that is needs to get raped by a chainsaw... anyway, that's all I have to say about that... have a great night everybody... back to you, RoboPig!"

"Ladies & gentlemen, prepare for introductions of the guest of honor. Welcome... The $teve!!! (Roaring applause, fireworks, panties flock to the stage)

“Thank you! Thank you so much for coming out! Can I get a woot woot for our fantastic presenters? (Hold for applause) They were great. They truly went above & beyond what I would have paid them. Well, thank you all for yet another great year. 2012 was a biggie. The world didn't blow up... I got laid repeatedly… things were just good all around... and so here are a few of my awards that I'm just going to run through real quick because I know you all have parties to get to this new year...”

BEST RELATIONSHIP: YAY!!! I finally have a legitimate answer for this one!!! Dizzy!!! If you don’t know her… then you don’t read my blog… or hers… but yeah, she’s pretty f**king amazing… and she would have to be for me to continue hanging out with her sooooo… yeah.

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: I watched "Cannibal the Musical" and "Orgazmo" with Dizzy... and apparently back then I wasn't looking for anything serious... remember? Well, we're doing it now... but still hanging out... so yeah, that's cool. 

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Just being more open to everything... and basically just doing what I need to do to be happy... that's really about it...

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: Keep on doing what I'm doing... only more so... and I've already got a good plan set up to keep it moving...

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Sigh… f**king St Patrick’s Day keeps popping up on this one!!! After several liters of fine Czech beer, some a-hole decided to start buying shots… and of course, guys can’t be topped, so then other guys are buying shots, then you time travel to the next morning feeling like sh*t & having to go to work because you’re a G. That was pretty much the worst that I “went IN” this year… but hey, I had a lot of fun before the alcohol took effect, nobody got hurt (except maybe a wallet here & there), and I woke up with a beautiful young lady by my side so… can’t really beat that with a baseball bat. Chu’ch!!!

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: I DIDN’T MOVE THIS YEAR!!! (Strikes up the band & drops balloons from the ceiling)

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: Christmas I guess... but also winning Employee of the Quarter was pretty awesome... and I had some fun vacation... but yeah, Christmas wins.

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Don't wanna jinx it... but there really haven't been too many low points. Probably when Dizzy & I's trip to Mount Shasta was kinda ruined when her car was stolen & the establishment that was set to prosecute & help her get her car back were lacking to say the least... but all in all, it was still a fun time with her... and nothing horrible happened. Just frustrating more than anything... and if that's the low point, you really can't complain.

BEST HOLIDAY: Christmas... as usual...

Last Year’s REAL REAL RESOLUTIONS Review (still in effect for 2013 as well):

• Date Dammit! – Checkity-check-check!
• Learn Another Language – Ugh… dammit… this makes like 5 years in a row…
• Give Up Mountain Dew – I was doing real good... until about May… but still better than I was…
• Get Back Into Ballin’ Shape – I’ve had the gym membership for a while now & was doing pretty good… until about May… and now I have a quarterly Bacon Day which doesn’t help the diet aspect at all… but yeah, not too bad but can always get better
• Remember JJ – I still haven’t forgotten about ya… though I’m pretty sure she’s forgotten about me
• Use My Passport – She still needs stamps but plans are in the works…
• Write a Children’s Book – I’m well on my way with making a comic & with being surrounded by artistically talented family & friends, it makes for a great start to my future literary domination! Watch yo ass, Stan Lee!
• Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*t – I’ve really learned to just relax & take things as they come… for example, Employee of the Quarter at work! Proof, pudding, BOOM!!!
• Look for the Next Step – I’m really working on “the Plan” as Bubbles so eloquently put it a while back… and things are moving along nicely.
• Survive the Apocalypse – Though San Francisco seems to be the epicenter of every disaster in movies from X-Men to Rise of the Planet of the Apes to Towering Inferno to The Birds to Mission: Impossible to whatever, I survived like a f**king CHAMPION!!! Now I just have to wait for the next Y2K to outlast…

 

Thanks for coming out ladies & gentlemen... drive home safely... anything else left to say RoboCop?

 

"END TRANSMISSION!!!"