Thursday, January 14, 2010

My Own Seven-Digit Bonus, Your Phone Number

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Nowadays, providing for your family is more difficult than in a long time. The money markets are in a state of complete clusterf**k (that they started yet seem to give themselves bonuses for doing with bailout money), industries that once flourished are feeling the pinch of hard economic times, people are at the point where they’ve been looking for jobs for YEARS while more are being let go, entire families are having to move across the country and/or world just in search of a way to get exploited to make ends meet & feed their children. We’re trying to find ways to save money, sacrifice luxuries, squeeze every little bit out of that toothpaste, everything short of reusing toilet paper (I’ve just gone off my deck like the squirrels & coyotes do…but that gets cold…and awkward with neighbor kids) to get the most with what we’ve got. However, I’ve noticed that there are a few creative ways to make money that people around the world have been trying out.

Phuket!!! – No, not the lovely resort area of Thailand but rather just giving up and throwing in the towel. Portland police said a man handed an apologetic robbery note to an employee at a FedEx Kinko's store, then waited for police to arrive. Employee Paul Rhoney said the note said: "This is a robbery, I'll wait outside for police, sorry." Police Detective Mary Wheat said responding officers found the 46-year-old man outside the store Tuesday morning and took him into custody. Wheat said no robbery charges will be pursued because the man did not have a weapon and didn't carry out a robbery. Police believe he simply wanted to go to jail. The man was taken to the Multnomah County Jail for investigation of initiating a false report. Well next time I guess he’ll just need to remember to bring a gun…or at least a sharpened stick or shard of glass or something. This isn’t the first time that I’ve heard of stuff like this. I remember a few years ago that a middle aged homeless man in Utah set fire to a dry field near Farmington in the summer and it burned horribly for a few days as firefighters tried to douse it. Why did he do it? He wanted to go to jail so that he could eat three meals a day and sleep indoors.

Honestly, I couldn’t really blame the poor bastard. Given the circumstances, maybe the threat of shanking and/or unwanted butt sex is a small price to pay when your options are limited. It’s a bit of a screwy system it seems. I often wonder why I work hard & pay taxes so that other people can get paid under the table and reap benefits. Think about it. I don’t have kids. Why should I pay for schools? Horrible ones at that? Kids today are stupid. Crafty…but stupid. The real funny part is…if I did have kids…then I wouldn’t have to pay for schools or libraries or anything like that. Why can’t I get welfare? Food stamps? Government assistance to help pay for my apartment? Free medical coverage? Basically everything that my crack whore ex-sister-in-law gets for being who she is. Why? Because I make too much money…and I pay taxes. Am I bitter about it? Obviously a little bit…but then I remember what my mama told me growing up. “$teve, the reason we’ve got to get up early, educate ourselves, then work hard 50 hours a week, then come home to clean our own houses & pay bills isn’t just because we want to…but because we have to. There are DOZENS of people out there that you’ll probably never meet who depend on YOU...and you don’t want to let them down, do you?” No. No I don’t. That’s why I work hard. So that other people can say phuket & live off my hard work. That being said, I still believe that the only way to make this world a better place is for more people to not take the easy way out…but to use their minds (and a little elbow grease) to make things better. New ideas are what made this country great & it’s great ideas that are gonna make it even greater. So now I’m gonna share some of those ideas with you…

Music & Fertility - Residents in Knoxville, Tennessee's wealthy Sequoyah Hills neighborhood are alarmed that a man wants to convert his home into a duplex and run a music studio and fertility service out of it. The Knoxville News Sentinel reported David Perkins is asking the Metropolitan Planning Commission to allow the change, saying he wants to operate businesses that would involve music lessons and the coordinating of two fertility services. "We are very much opposed to all of this," said Jim Bletner, board member of the Kingston Pike Sequoyah Hills Association, who said members would appear before the commission on Thursday to speak against Perkins' proposal. A duplex would be out of character in the neighborhood and the businesses could intrude on neighbors' tranquility, he said. Perkins proposes to conduct music lessons in his home and book appearances from there. No performances would be held there. Neighbors said a previous MySpace posting by Perkins included the list of events: bamboo flute playing on Sundays; balloons, juggling and music on Mondays; a Family Music Gathering and Drum Circle on Tuesday, along with others. Perkins told the newspaper he made up the list to pump up his business and attract more bookings. "That was just hype. How big do I have to be to get somebody's attention to talk to me on equal-part terms as an entertainer? It's marketing; it's hype." None of the events are taking place and Perkins said he has removed them from his MySpace page. Perkins operates two Web sites for part of his business called Family Building LLC, which he said helps couples who are trying to conceive. If you think about, music & baby making go hand-in-hand…or body part-in-body part. Have you had the awkward conversation with your parents about what song was playing when you were conceived? No? The answer may surprise you. In fact, I may have that conversation with my parents tonight. I’ll let you know what I find out. What’s my point? Oh yeah, so let the man do his business. Even if he’s juggling & playing bamboo flutes or whatever he’s talking about, it’s his house. Deal with it. Anyway, I’ve gotta call my dad.

Death of a Teddy Bear - R&B singer Teddy Pendergrass, who was one of the most electric and successful figures in music until a car crash 28 years ago left him in a wheelchair, has died of colon cancer. He was 59. Pendergrass died Wednesday in suburban Philadelphia, where he had been hospitalized for months. The singer's son, Teddy Pendergrass II, said his father underwent colon cancer surgery eight months ago and had "a difficult recovery." Before the crash, Pendergrass established a new era of R&B with an explosive, raw voice that symbolized masculinity, passion and the joys and sorrow of romance in songs such as "Close the Door," "It Don't Hurt Now," "Love T.K.O." and other hits that have since become classics. He was an international superstar and sex symbol. His career was at its apex — and still climbing. Friend and longtime collaborator Kenny Gamble, of the renowned production duo Gamble & Huff, teamed with Pendergrass on his biggest hits and recalled how the singer was even working on a movie. "He had about 10 platinum albums in a row, so he was a very, very successful recording artist and as a performing artist. He had a tremendous career ahead of him, and the accident sort of got in the way of many of those plans." Pendergrass, who was born in Philadelphia in 1950, suffered a spinal cord injury in a 1982 car accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down — still able to sing but without his signature power. The image of the strong, virile lover was replaced with one that drew sympathy…but instead of becoming bitter or depressed, Pendergrass created a new identity — that as a role model. "He never showed me that he was angry at all about his accident," Gamble said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "In fact, he was very courageous." Pendergrass left a remarkable imprint on the music world as he ushered in a new era in R&B with his fiery, sensual and forceful brand of soul and his ladies' man image, burnished by his strikingly handsome looks. Gamble said Pendergrass was one of a kind as an artist and boasted a powerful voice and "a great magnetism." "He was a great baritone singer, and he had a real smooth sound, but he had a real rough sound, too, when he wanted to exert power in his voice," Gamble said. The really odd thing…is that I was singing “Try a Little Tenderness” this morning before I heard…and had no idea why or where it came from. Well, perhaps you’ll find out through the conversation with your parents later that Teddy had a little something to do with it. Rest in peace. Anyway, sorry to depress everybody, back to making money.

WOW!!! Polish Professional - Poland's tax office has levied a fine of 2.3 million zlotys ($820,000 in Earth money) on an unemployed woman for failing to pay tax on income worth at least 13.7 million zlotys she said she had earned as a prostitute. The woman (not pictured...she's just hot) told the tax office in the southern city of Katowice that she had very "generous" customers, the website, which is linked to leading Polish daily Gazeta Wyborcza, reported Tuesday. She was quoted as saying that one of her clients paid the woman 5 million zlotys during the 1997-2002 period. The website gave no further details. I’m gonna save you having to load your calculator, that 13.7 million zlotys is about $5 million. During a worldwide recession. Her stuffin’ muffin must be insured by Lloyd’s of London. In America, to get that kind of money for being a whore, you’d have to marry a wealthy geezer who doesn’t believe in pre-nups and slowly poison him over time, then go through a lengthy court battle with his relatives until you overdose on painkillers (or get…murdered. Dun dun duuuh!!!). Either this woman shags like a minx…or she’s the world’s greatest conversationalist. I’m curious what this woman looks like…but then again, maybe the mystery is half the appeal. That must be it because…I’d f**k for free…and I’m worth every penny. Apparently the oldest profession is still a pretty good way to make some serious cizzash when you’re in a pinch.

Fox Update – You knew this day was coming. As soon as she agreed to make her ends meet by showing off her end meat for Emporio Armani undergarments, you knew that they would end up on this blog. Megan Fox has now officially replaced Posh Spice on the company’s advertisements. God bless America…and Italy. For her Armani Jeans campaign, the starlet debuts a stripped-down look, with damp hair, bare feet, and minimal makeup (it’s called black & white photography), and is dressed casually in a white oxford and jeans. The new series of ads, shot by Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott, featuring the 23 year-old will be unveiled in February on billboards in fashion meccas like New York, Tokyo, Milan and Hoboken. Why Fox? That’s a stupid f**king question…but Giorgio Armani puts it succinctly: “Megan is young and sexy and has a lot of spirit,” he said, adding that his brands are “all about a youthful attitude, making her the perfect choice for the collections.” Who knew that a colorblind fragrance would have such business savvy? Anyway, I think I’m done thinking about money for the time being. I’m gonna focus on the finer things of life. Please hold.

On that high note, I think I’ll call it a day. There’s a showing of some independent movie about “The Donner Party” starring Crispin Glover (“Back to the Future” & “Charlie’s Angels”) nearby on Sunday that I might attend…but it’s also supposed to snow that night…and if I’m going to die ironically, it’s going to be a LOT funnier than that. Anyway, best of luck to all of you in your financial ventures…and if you can’t be rich, I hope that you all can at least be happy…because you’re all Loved. Have a great day everybody!!!

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