Thursday, March 26, 2009

Day of Infamy - Take Two

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

So yesterday, I ugh…found out that my position within the company is no longer, my job duties that were already those of two positions…will be absorbed by others and my services will no longer be needed…in three weeks (one of which I'll be enjoying the sun of California…which is much better than the chaotic blizzard going on outside the window right now). Basically I've been laid off. Was it completely unexpected? No. I was expecting more of a reduced hours speech than a "severance package" and "referral" speech…but I've been up to date on current events. Am I completely unprepared for it? No. Went through this to a lesser extent last year with the first Day of Infamy…and I have a well-established network of fantastic family & friends all across the nation. This is just a crash course…since the lease on my apartment runs out at the end of April (a few days after my birthday). I spent last night letting a few people know and asking if they knew anywhere that was hiring off hand. Oddly enough, I was looking for jobs for friends in the area yesterday before the sit-down with Boss Man…but yeah, it's funny how things work out. Am I the only one this is happening to? Hell no. There's even a few in my department…and a bunch throughout the company…and a sh*t load around the world. It's a sad truth…and it's about time that it caught up with me, I guess.

By the way, I went home…and told a few people…but not everybody. My dad doesn't even know yet. I'll probably tell him tonight now that I know more. Nor have I told Bubbles (she's in Disneyland and I don't want to ruin her vacation by having her worry about me). Nor have I told Brooklynsince it is her birthday…and it should be about her. I also didn't want to explain everything to everybody at that point...because it was all in the air...and I wanted to be educated about possibilities before talking to most people. "Are you moving back?" I don't know what's out there, let me get back to you on that. That's why.

One person that I did tell was my brother…but over a text message. I wrote "Pop Quiz: What has an eight inch cock and just got laid off?" He wrote back, "Nice." I wrote back, "Not really…but thanks." He wrote back, "Funny." I thought it was rather odd. Anyway, so then I talked to my mom for a while last night…and she reminded me what today was…his 2nd wedding anniversary (How could I have forgotten?). Of course, with he & his wife being separated because she's a crazy crack whore, he was already down a full bottle of Tequila Rose and was apparently "pleasant to talk to" which is odd because my mom & brother tend to argue a lot. So I gave him a call…and we talked for a few minutes…and it was obvious that he was a little tipsy…but not too bad. I could understand most of what he said. So then I asked him about the text earlier. "Oh yeah, congratulations on getting some bro. It's about time. Who was it?" Now it all makes sense. He completely blocked out the last word of my initial text. So I dropped the bomb on him that I actually got laid OFF. "Oh really? That sucks bro. So when are you moving back?" We then celebrated his anniversary in the fashion that we had celebrated the previous one and his honeymoon…in the Vegas tradition of shots and well wishes for the coming year.

So what happens now? As you know, I'll probably bore myself (and maybe my readers) with lists of Pros & Cons and analysis of possible new adventures. Where will I end up a month from now? Still in my ultrasexy apartment atop the Mile High City? Back home in Utah? Maybe Vegas' sweet bosom will find a way to swallow me up just in time for summer? Will the Lost City of New Orleans make it worth my while to live underwater? Will I find a job in the beautiful city of Salzburg singing tunes from "The Sound of Music"? Will I use my degrees in Marketing to help the next upstart franchise like the UFL's Las Vegas Knights? Or maybe the LFL's Denver Dream? Will I become an unemployed gigolo that works out of my dad's basement? Will I finally grow the balls to rob a bank…and roll around naked in money? Will I focus on my writing and become the next Hunter S. Thompson making literary masterpieces of erotica fueled by a quick temper, ambitious groin and enough drugs to make Keith Richards blush? Will I return to selling my seed to science to make a new & improved race of European Mutt warriors? Will I hijack the Travel Channel and convince them to give me a show like Samantha Brown…or the little girl gets it? Will I finally score a dream job like Professional Panda Porn Director (instead of just amateur)? Or manager of a bacon & chocolate factory operated by big-breasted sexbots? Will I resort once again to man-whoring? Who knows? But I do know this…I have one month to figure it all out.

Honestly, I'm not bitter about it. I know sacrifices had to be made…and I was the new kid on the block. The Bosses are even sadder to see me go than I am. It just means more work for them…and I'm pretty tasty eye candy. They're being all kinds of supportive and telling me all the different options (worst-case, they're going to end up paying me for the next three months anyway because I've been with the company for so long) and they're making calls on my behalf. I really couldn't have asked for a better situation…short of actually being able to continue working here. Like I said, I'm actually kind of surprised it took this long. The only thing that I'm not really looking forward to…is having to move again. That sh*t's a pain in the testicles…even without a hernia. I have a lot of crap. Luckily, the lease on my apartment running out soon so I don't have to worry about that…and if anybody wants to come on down for one last Birthday / Going Away / Homecoming / Bon Voyage to a New Adventure / Random Reason to Get Drunk Party here on the 34th floor in the big city…then please feel free to stop on by in the next few weeks. Sooner the better because towards the end my apartment may be full of boxes again.

Now, let me run through the 5 Stages of Grief…as I took them in the past 24 hours or so.

1. Denial - "Are you sh*tting me? Where's the camera, Boss Man? You got me good." Some may say that I live my whole life in denial...but what do doctors really know?
2. Anger - "Really? No reduced hours or anything? Straight to 'your job has been eliminated?' That sucks." Along with a few curse words when I got home…but only a few. Living so close to work though, they may have been able to hear me. So good.
3. Bargaining - "Let's just pretend we never had this conversation (crackling knuckles)"

4. Depression - "Lame." Oddly enough, I didn't shed a single tear…which I wish I could say about others in the department at news of their employment status…but the situation sucks.

5. Acceptance - Obviously it took me about…thirty seconds to realize that dwelling on the situation isn't going to do much good…and I should just start finding solutions…because like Edison said, "Life's 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." I've already spent most of the day calling up my network of family, friends, acquaintances and business partners to see what the hell there is out there for a tall, good-looking, well-educated, well-endowed white chocolate man with a tasty coconut crust, great work ethic, intriguing sense of humor and a bunch of new suits seeking employment…and I'm already kind of liking what I've heard…but worst-case, I have a pretty good fallback net back at the old job (with a significant paycut) and I can go back to living in my dad's basement…but he had to completely renovate it since it flooded last year…so even better. My mom has already offered her basement too…but she lives in the mountains like a f**king hermit. It'd be a nice location for me to concentrate on my erotic novel writing…and to bring the ladies for research.

I guess what my point is…no need to worry about your good buddy $teve. He'll be okay. It's just going to be a bit of a pain in the ass and/or groin for the next few weeks…but I'm completely surrounded by better people than I deserve, have everything that an employer could want, have no problem with being a complete drain on society if absolutely necessary, and a taste of the American Dream that always seems to be on the tip of my tongue. I believe in hard work. I believe in Obama. I believe in Harvey Dent. I believe in Fate. I believe in a thing called Love (justlistentotherhythmofmyheaaaart). I believe that I am the luckiest man alive and this is only a little crack in the sidewalk on the road to the intersection of Pleasure & Life. I only wish that more people out there could be as lucky as me in these hard, troubling times…but I also believe that we can pull together and make the World a greater place everyday. Maybe this is just the kick out the door that I needed.

Denver's a wonderful city…and I'm truly blessed to have lived here (or continue living here depending on what I find out over the next few weeks). I've been surrounded by great people and learned a lot of new traits that will only help me further my career, wherever it may be...and there's a whole world out there. Literally HUNDREDS of countries that I have yet to explore, thousands of cultures that I have yet to be a part of, stories to be told that I have yet to experience, so much out there to do…and so little time to do it in. I’m going to be okay. Don't you dare fret over little old me. I'll be fine as frog's hair.

Anyway, just thought that I'd let you all know what's going on. Sorry if this isn't as hilarious or informative as the usual entry…but whatever. It's my blog and I'll do what I want. Have a great day everybody!!! Big thanks to everybody for the well wishes!!! I'm sure that I'll see y'all again real soon like.

P.S. Seriously though, if any of you want to come out to Denver for one last HURRAH on top of the big city, I'm totally down for it. Help me get rid of some of this booze before I have to move again. Love y'all madly.


JLee said...

wow, I'm so sorry to hear this $teve, but you seem to have a great attitude about it. You will just be on to your next great adventure right? I heard a story the other night that Houston was the place to find a job right now...

$teve said...

Houston eh? You're not just trying to get me to move closer to Dallas, are ya? Cuz that'd be way cool. :)

Astronauts? Cowboys? Porn directors? What kind of jobs are we talking here? I heard Minneapolis from somebody too...yet they didn't elaborate. I think they just wanted me to move as far away as possible. :)

Doc said...

I'd love to swing by and help you with the packing and the booze, but it's just not in the cards. Your cards however look pretty damn good about now, and regardless where the adventure takes you, I still think you should try your hand at writing the erotic novel ala $teve. I'd buy a copy.

In the immortal words of The Big Lewbowski, "The Dude abides", and it sounds like you do too.


P.S.- I enjoyed Richard Cheese's "Rape Me" on your music player. Do you think his friends call him Dick?

$teve said...

With regards to the cards, it's called a Bluff. :) Thanks playa I'll be fine...and I'll let you know when the first edition box collection comes out at the bargain basement price of $149.95. I have it writing, Doc. You've gotta pay it now. :)

P.S. Glad you enjoyed it. Everybody seems to love Dick Cheese's cover of "Rape Me"

Doc said...

Well hell $teve, at that price I'll take two!


$teve said...

Again, in writing. :)

Makes a great white elephant gift

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