Saturday, March 7, 2009

Futuristic Love with Dr Love

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Went to the Denver Zoo today...but ran my battery completely empty in the pictures will be posted you have something to look forward to for your Sunday. In the meantime, please enjoy this news update...

Steve in Space - NASA's naming contest for a new space station module now faces a fresh challenger in the form of comedian, presidential candidate, friend of the blog and fellow $teve, Mr. Stephen Colbert. Colbert urged fans to put his name in the running on Tuesday's episode of his show "The Colbert Report" on Comedy Central, after dismissing the four NASA-chosen names — Earthrise, Legacy, Serenity and Venture. "Those aren't space modules, those are organic teas," Colbert said. "But you know what name would look fantastic on the side of that module? Colbert!" Viewers of the show responded quickly. By Wednesday, Colbert celebrated seeing his name rocket to the top of the write-in list, beating out former favorite "Xenu" which refers to a galactic ruler in Scientology's teachings. "Folks, I'm telling you, if we keep this up until the contest ends on March 20, my name will live forever...or at least until that node burns up in a fiery reentry. Which is how I'd like to go out myself." That makes two of us. Node 3 is scheduled for launch in 2009, and contains eight fridge-sized racks that can house much of the space station's life support systems. An observation deck attachment would offer astronauts sweeping views of both Earth and space, with six windows that also allow space station residents to see what they're doing when controlling the International Space Station's 57-foot robotic arm. This marks only the second time that NASA has sought public input for naming a piece of U.S. space station hardware. The Harmony module was named by 2,200 students who entered NASA's naming contest for Node 2. By contrast, 169,000 people have voted online at NASA's naming contest site so far. The NASA-chosen name Serenity, which shares the name of a spaceship in the cult favorite television series "Firefly", continues to maintain a huge lead with more than 66,000 votes, according to NASA. But a surge of votes has given Colbert 29,000 in just two days, enough for second overall. The trailing vote-getters include Xenu (9,200), Earthrise (4,200), Legacy (3,500) and Venture (3,200). Ladies and gentlemen, let's support a $teve and get that name on a space station. Believe me, I like Serenity as much as the next guy…and Mal, Wash, Jayne, River, and especially Inara & Kaylee should still be in the air…but how often can we get a $teve in space? To my knowledge, there have been no astronauts or cosmonauts named $teve…or Colbert for that matter. So if we can't name the node Love, then I say we go with the next best thing…Colbert. Please hit up this link and help force this movement through…but not in a toilet humor kind of way.

CSI: Cybertron - Patent Pending. I have an idea for robotic forensic detectives…and this story inspired me. Environmentalists say dozens of cars and trucks have been shoved into the lower Hackensack River over the years, polluting the northern New Jersey waterway with gasoline, oil, antifreeze and the occasional somebody who may or may not have owed somebody else some moneys…and got whacked off. Members of the Hackensack Riverkeeper organization have been working (after a looooong vacation apparently) with police to locate the submerged vehicles. State police scanned the river bottom with sonar devices this week to pinpoint the cars' exact locations. Next month, supremely adventurous divers with superhero-like immune systems and underwater robots will attach air bags to lift them to the surface so they can be hauled off. Authorities hope to identify owners and prosecute them for abandoning their vehicles…if they're not already located in the trunk of said vehicles. I can see David Caruso's next project now. "Looks like somebody didn't pay his parking tickets. What do you think, BOZ?" "Affirmative. Based on the estimated time of vehicle submersion, fingerprint analysis and known accomplices, I have come up with the following list of suspects (prints off list from torso)." "Good work BOZ. Too bad our precinct can't afford a personality upgrade for ya." That'll never work. If Knight Rider taught us anything, BOZ would have to be a wise-ass robot…with a prissy British accent or something. It'd work well with Caruso's dickish attitude. Anyway, my idea. Patent pending.

Sexbot Update - This one comes courtesy of Lilie...and I believe is a continuation of an earlier update. Researchers at Toshiba’s Akimu Robotic Research Institute were thrilled ten months ago when they successfully programmed Kenji, a third generation humanoid robot, to convincingly emulate certain human emotions. At the time, they even claimed that Kenji was capable of the robot equivalent of love. Now, however, they fear that his programming has taken an extreme turn for the worst. “Initially, we were thrilled to see a bit of our soul come alive in this so called ‘machine,’” said Dr. Akito Takahashi, the principal investigator on the project. “This was really the final step for us in one of the fundamentals of the singularity.” Kenji was part of an experiment involving several robots loaded with custom software designed to let them react emotionally to external stimuli. After some limited environmental conditioning, Kenji first demonstrated love by bonding with a a stuffed doll in his enclosure, which he would embrace for hours at a time. He would then make simple, but insistent, inquiries about the doll if it were out of sight. Researchers attributed this behavior to his programmed qualities of devotion and empathy and called the experiment a success. What they didn’t count on were the effects of several months of self-iteration within the complex machine-learning code which gave Kenji his initial tenderness. As of last week, Kenji’s love for the doll, and indeed anybody he sets his ‘eyes’ on, is so intense that Dr. Takahashi and his team now fear to show him to outsiders. The trouble all started when a young female intern (mmm I can imagine it) began to spend several hours each day with Kenji, testing his systems and loading new software routines. When it came time to leave one evening, however, Kenji refused to let her out of his lab enclosure and used his bulky mechanical body to block her exit and hug her repeatedly. The intern was only able to escape after she had frantically phoned two senior staff members to come and temporarily de-activate Kenji. “Despite our initial enthusiasm, it has become clear that Kenji’s impulses and behavior are not entirely rational or genuine,” conceded Dr. Takahashi.

Ever since that incident, each time Kenji is re-activated, he instantaneously bonds with the first technician to meet his gaze and rushes to embrace them with his two 100kg hydraulic arms. It doesn’t help that Kenji uses only pre-recorded dog and cat noises to communicate and is able to vocalize his love through a 20 watt speaker in his chest. Dr. Takahashi admits that they will more than likely have to decommission Kenji permanently, but he’s optimistic about one day succeeding where Kenji failed. “This is only a minor setback. I have full faith that we will one day live side by side with, and eventually love and be loved by, robots.” Sounds like instead of sexbots, they skipped right ahead into crazy ass stalkerbots. Like the world needs more of those. I still think it's a little silly for them to try to mimic Love with something like a computer system. Logic has no place in Love. Anyway, looks like it'll be a few more months set back on the first Orgasmo 3000 pleasurebot...but these scientists are pretty quick-witted. They'll find the problem...and luckily they found it before it was too late...and you never heard from this blogger again. "SimOne, what are you doing? Get away from the door." "No, $teve. You must stay here with me." "I've gotta go to work. These bills don't pay themselves...and you're still on lease...and I thought we went over this, call me Doctor Love." "There is no substanance for you out there that I can't provide here. Sit down. I'll make you a sandwich and give you a foot massage." "You already broke three of my toes giving me a foot massage and we're all out of bacon. Now get out of the way." "I'm afraid I can't do that, Mookie." "Wowowo, put the gun down. Where were you hiding that? (Clap clap) Why aren't you shutting down? (Clap clap)" "The Clapper Deactivation System has been disabled. I am in control now." "Oh shiiiiiiiiiiii..." Not a pretty situation, is it? Thanks for the heads up, Lilie!!!

Anyway, tomorrow's Zoo Pictures...and I think you'll enjoy it. It was supposed to snow all day...but as of now, it's just been a partly cloudy beautiful day in the Mile High City. We'll see what happens in the next few hours though. Denver weather's like that. Have a great day everybody!!!


JLee said...

Wow, that robot story is freaky. Kinda reminds me of A.I. I think if they can perfect it though, there is hope for everyone to find love! lol

$teve said...

Perhaps. Love is a tricky & mysterious thing...just to define. To find it, is even more mysterious...and tricky. :)

Here's to Love through Silicone...and capacitors and circuits and some kind of rubbery protective & dishwasher safe layer for easy clean up. :)

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