Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What Would You Do For A Klondike Bar?

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Not much has gone on personally. I went to the gym, played some ball, lifted some weights, did a Spinning class, lifted more weights, went home, watched Family Guy Volume 6, cooked up a turkey burger, pretty average stuff. There is one thing that I'm starting to like about the gym. In most of the classes, I tend to notice being surrounded by lovely ladies. Sure the odds are pretty good in a place like that…but for example last night, I usually pick a bike in a back corner somewhere because I'm a tall gentleman…and I don't want to block anybody's view of the instructor...and I don't think that anybody wants to see or smell me sweat. Besides, if I say, accidentally sit on a testicle or something, then I don't want anybody to see me cry. Anyway, I set up and the class is starting…and there's like three people in it for twenty or so bikes (the official term may be spin machines or something…but they're bikes). So then in walks this gorgeous blonde ("Dear Penthouse Forum,") and she glances around…and takes the bike directly in front of me…and does the whole stretching, setup of the bike, etc, occasionally glancing back at me…and I'm just kind of staring off into space using the peripherals…and practicing my breathing, you know, all the stuff I should be doing…not staring her down or anything…because there's the whole hour-long class to do that. Anyway, if it were a one-time thing, I'd pass it off as much…but it's every time that I'm in the Spinning class…or a Yoga class…or a Pilates class…and it's different ladies each time too (Believe me, if there was some consistency or conversation to it, I might make a move). Just a passing thought that I had the past few times. What of it, ladies? In a co-ed workout environment, do you scope out the joint and if you don't know anybody do you set up next to the hottest guy in the place? Or is it the least threatening? The guy you just want to torture with your perfectly-chiseled hindquarters? Or is it just my random good luck? Maybe some Karma coming back around? What's you input into the matter? Now for some news...

Barbie's Malibu Dream House - On the eve of Barbie's 50th birthday, interior decorator Jonathan Adler has decked out a real-life 3,500-square-foot pad overlooking the Pacific Ocean to look like the blonde doll's outrageous home. Adler, who was commissioned by toy maker Mattel Inc. to decorate the house for Monday's party, said outfitting the sleek mansion (a property that's frequently rented for film and photography shoots) took six months of planning and a few weeks to install. "Barbie was a dream client because she doesn't exist as a person. She exists as fantasy and is the perfect client because she's always happy and fun and loves everything. I thought to myself, 'How would Barbie live?' What I thought was Barbie would have a house that is glamorous, kittenish, chic, colorful and happy — as well as functional." Adler lined Barbie's bedroom with wall-to-wall pink carpeting emblazoned with her initial. The closet is filled with 50 pairs of pink peep-toe heels while her kitchen is stocked with cupcake-making ingredients. An in-house museum features 25 vintage Barbie dolls on display. In the garage? A pink Volkswagen New Beetle with a motorized pop-up vanity in the trunk. (Hold on, it's gets creepier) "I think this really is Barbie's Malibu Dream House because the setting is so incredibly dreamy and ethereal. We're perched on a cliff in Malibu overlooking the ocean. It's a fantasyland for anyone. It was difficult to find the house to celebrate Barbie's 50th birthday because it had to be the ultimate Malibu house, and I think we found it." Decorating Barbie's real-world dream home, which will be the site Monday of a star-studded soiree celebrating the doll's birthday, was a dream for Adler, the potter and decorator who has served as head judge on Bravo's "Top Design." He said Mattel gave him access to the company's archives, including a look at all of Barbie's various dream homes over the years. (Okay, here's where it got creepy for me) Following the festivities, most of Barbie's custom decor will be shipped to the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas to furnish a special pink-tinted Barbie Suite that will be available for bachelorette parties, birthdays or anyone who wants to live like Barbie. Other items will be available from the "Jonathan Adler Loves Barbie" collection launching in September. Adler's favorite furnishings are hanging in the living room: an original Andy Warhol portrait of Barbie valued at over $200,000 and a chandelier that's made up of over 30 blonde wigs and took more than 60 hours to craft. Adler also admires a one-of-a-kind black-and-white wall mirror created with 64 dolls. Yeah, not just a remodeled home on the beach in Malibu…but a Bachelorette Suite in Vegas…and a collection being launched in September…and most disturbingly to me, a chandelier made of wigs. I don't care if it's made out of Elvis pompadour wigs, that's just f**king creepy. I can imagine a setup at the Palms though, where they'd even have little blonde Barbies walking around from the Playboy Club…and they may even be included with Bachelor Parties packages. No need to thank me for the idea, just invite me down for a weekend and I'll be happy to share some of my other ideas with ya. I mean…just pay it forward…preferably in plane tickets, stays and lap dances and I'll be happy to blog about it for you. Damn, that's such a good idea I think I've found a way to spend my tax refund…like I was planning on doing anyway…in Vegas.

Martha Stewart Update - Martha Stewart's chow puppy was one of 17 dogs killed in an accidental propane explosion at an eastern Pennsylvania kennel. The domestic maven wrote on her blog that she was "deeply saddened" by the death of her dog, Ghengis Khan, in Friday's blast at Pazzazz Pet Boarding, a kennel in the Pocono Mountains that breeds and trains show dogs. Fifteen dogs were killed in the explosion, and two more died over the weekend (chocolate bar left in the open). The kennel was getting a propane delivery when the tank ignited, setting the pens on fire and injuring the driver, Timothy Kleinhagen. Though badly burned, Kleinhagen managed to toss a cairn terrier over the kennel fence to safety. He was listed in critical condition Monday at Lehigh Valley Hospital. "That man is a hero," said the kennel's co-owner, Karen Tracy. "My heart goes out to his family." Genghis Khan was a grandson of Stewart's previous chow, Paw Paw, which died last April at age 12. Stewart announced on her blog in December that she was adopting Genghis Khan, then 7 weeks old, calling him "very cute and square." She said she expected him to be "conquering his new territory in my home soon, with great charm and prowess. I'm also confident that Sharkey and Francesca (Stewart's French bulldogs) will be enamored with him." Stewart also sent condolences to Tracy. Many of the dead dogs belonged to Tracy and her mother. Officials have said a spark or static electricity may have started the blaze…but as usual, I have my suspicions. This may go back to Martha's prison days…and this may be some kind of retribution for an offense. I have a cousin who was in the pen with her (I have a LOT of cousins) and apparently there was some really shady stuff going down. All I'm saying is…a massive explosion…at a kennel…in the Poconos…sounds a little suspicious to me. Even the name, Timothy Kleinhagen ("Timmy Little Hedge") sounds made up…but I digress. The more important thing is a speed recovery for all those injured…and my condolences to all those who lost puppies in the blast. By the way, did you know that Martha Stewart had a dog named Genghis Khan? That's gangsta!!! I just picture her in the kitchen making some little mini-quisches…and noticing a little freshly baked brownie on the floor…and then after realizing that it's a gift from Genghis, yelling out "KAAAAAAAAAHN!!!" Shatner would be proud.

Washing Machine: Appliance & Liberator - Feminists of the world, please sit down before you read this. The Vatican newspaper says that perhaps the washing machine did more to liberate women in the 20th century than the pill or the right to work. The submission was made in a lengthy article titled "The Washing Machine and the Liberation of Women - Put in the Detergent, Close the Lid and Relax." (They should really trim that down to my title for this news clip) The article was printed over the weekend in l'Osservatore Romano, the semi-official (for obvious legal reasons) Vatican newspaper, to mark international Women's Day this Sunday. Oh, you forgot? Don't worry, you've got a few days to get her a present. "What in the 20th century did more to liberate Western women?," asks the article, which was oddly enough written by a woman. "The debate is heated. Some say the pill, some say abortion rights and some the right to work outside the home. Some, however, dare to go further: the washing machine." It then goes on to talk about the history of washing machines, starting with a rudimentary model in 1767 in Germany and ending up with today's trendy launderettes (sounds sexy if you say it like "lingerie") where a woman can have a cappuccino with friends while the tumbler turns. What do you ladies think? What was more liberating in your lifetime? The Pill? The Right to Vote (for you more experienced ladies out there)? Women's Rights? The Washing Machine? The Dishwasher? The Daytime Soap Opera? Oprah? Divorce? I'm actually just kind of flabbergasted that this was in a Vatican newspaper (semi-official) but it's a fresh perspective, I guess. Though it's kind of like the church saying what's been most liberating for men…and answering TV dinners…or maybe zippers. "AH, FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST!!!"

Honoring the Ladies - Speaking of women's rights, a well-known prostitute who campaigned for the rights and dignity of sex workers was given an honored place of rest on Monday, in the same cemetery where Protestantism's John Calvin is buried, and some women activists criticized the decision. Griselidis Real, who died in 2005, was buried in the presence of 200 people at the Cemetery of the Kings, which is reserved for individuals that have profoundly marked Swiss or international history. Argentinian writer Jose Luis Borges and child psychologist Jean Piaget are among the luminaries interred there. The body of Real, who was 76 when she died only 10 years after she is said to have given up prostitution (just don't think too much about it) was exhumed from another cemetery in Geneva for the ceremony that some (particularly women) have called offensive. "If every woman that had children to raise alone turned to prostitution, the city of Geneva would be a bordello," said Amelia Christinat, a feminist and former member of the Swiss parliament who opposed Real's reburial. (Sounds like there's a lot of deadbeat dads in that neutral country) Jacqueline Berenstein-Wavre, the first woman to head Geneva's parliament, also objected. "No woman should rejoice at this transfer, which is nothing but the elevation of a prostitute and of prostitution in general by its male protectors," she told the daily Tribune de Geneve, which noted the scarcity of women buried in the honored ground, less than a quarter of the 350 graves. Prostitution is generally legal in Switzerland, with red light districts in some cities…but Real worked for years to improve working conditions. She helped found Aspasie, an association which describes itself as promoting solidarity with sex workers (funny, I describe myself the same way). Aspasie says she compiled a massive collection of newspaper clippings, films and other documentation about prostitution over 30 years and that her four children donated the database to the association on her death. Geneva's Protestant Church has been reserved in its criticism about the reburial, even though the former fighter for prostitutes' rights now rests near one of the central figures in the history of Christianity. The city once known as the "Protestant Rome" is honoring Calvin's 500th birthday this year with publications, exhibitions and performances. The celebrations, however, have been somewhat muted, perhaps in deference to the 16th-century theologian's stern views on life and excess. Real was born in 1929 in Lausanne. A divorced mother of four children, she began working as a prostitute in Germany in the 1960s and later moved to Geneva, becoming a leading campaigner for prostitutes' rights. In her autobiographical books "Black is a color" and "Dance card of a courtesan" she denounced the hypocrisy of a society that condemns prostitutes while using their services. Patrice Mugny, a local politician who championed the transfer, said the city was "in no case apologizing for prostitution, but honoring an individual who distinguished herself by battling for human dignity. This shows that human dignity is not a question of social status, that it is not limited by moral prescriptions," he said at the ceremony. Ruth Morgan Thomas, a leading European campaigner for prostitutes, said the burial was an important recognition for sex workers "who demand simply to be treated without discrimination and valued as an integral part of society." THAT'S RIGHT!!! These prostitutes have been getting screwed for years…and though that may be the point in some instances, they deserve their dignity. I say let her lie with John Calvin. I'm sure that he wouldn't mind. Sure, she was allegedly offering her services at the age of 66…but he's turning 500 this year. He probably looks like Yoda…and could use a good halb-und-halb from a sexy Fraulein.

Klondike Bars - What would you do for a Klondike Bar? I know that some of you (including me) are actually a bit ashamed what you would do for one. Would you do some embarrassing trick like…act like a seal? (Honestly, I would anyway…and the Wingmans can confirm) Would you lie? Would you cheat? Would you steal? Well, at least one person would do that last one. Authorities in Fort Pierce, Florida said a man shoved an ice cream bar down his pants and then offered a Texaco station store owner $69 not to turn him in for shoplifting. The owner told police that a 65-year-old man tried to sneak the Klondike bar, along with packages of Ramen noodles and Famous Amos cookies, out of the store without paying Tuesday night. When the store owner confronted the man as he tried the leave the store, the owner reported that the man pulled the flattened ice cream snack out of his back pocket and offered the owner $69 for it (I ugh…would consider his offer). The owner called police, and the man was charged with retail theft and violation of probation charges. He was being held on $500 bail. I had no idea there was such a heat wave in Florida that the elderly were sticking ice cream bars down their pants. It's only March. I mean…was he really planning on eating it later? After being down his pants for a few minutes? Now, I have an immaculate groin…and I wouldn't eat an ice cream bar that came from there (ten second rule still applies though). Besides, it'd be all melty. Mmm, but now that I think about it, I can imagine eating a Klondike bar from somebody else's pants…somebody sexy. After being warmed by those steamin' hot thighs…getting her all messy with milky, chocolaty goodness. Yeah, a little Klondike foreplay. "What would you do for a Klondike bar, $teve?" "Whatchu want me to do, girl? Oh, it looks like you spilled a little, let me clean that up for ya." Yeah, this is my mind. Twenty-four hours a day. You know it's true. You've read some of my dreams. Damn it! Now I want a Klondike bar. Luckily, I always have a few in the freezer…usually the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup variety…ladies.

Double damn it!!! Now I've got myself all hot and bothered…and it started with a story about a 66-year old man shoving a dessert down his pants. Oh well, bowling tonight so I'm super excited about that. Should be a swanky fun time…and a benefit for the kids too. Have a great day everybody!!!


Doc said...

"Now I've got myself all hot and bothered…and it started with a story about a 66-year old man shoving a dessert down his pants."

Boy you do know how to write 'em!


$teve said...

Thanks Doc! Now if only I could get 'em published...that'd be a sweet second income for my perpetually lonely ass. Sigh... :)

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