Tuesday, March 17, 2009

La Fheile Padraig Sona Duit

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

La Fheile Padraig sona duit!!! That gibberish apparently means "Happy St. Patrick's Day" in Gaelic…or some other dialect of Drunk. I thought I'd take a moment for a post title in a non-English language...much like Lilie's posts. Also, a posthumous happy 90th birthday to the legendary Nat King Cole. Tonight, when I'm doing an inebriated Irish jig of "Nature Boy" then you'll know why. "There was a boy, a very strange enchanted boy. They say he wandered very far, very far over land and sea…" Oh yeah, I make it work…and then follow it up with Fat Bottomed Girls…and Baby Got Back…which without fail, brings down any and all houses.

Last night, the Mad Scientist, From Russia with Love, and I…the good Doctor Love, walked about downtown on a beautiful dusk along 16th Street Mall and had a bite to eat and a pint or two to drink at the Rock Bottom Brewery. Really like that place. Luckily, we were all lightweights on this actually semi-alcoholic Colorado microbrew, so we wandered around some more afterwards and took incriminating photos (keep your eye on Facebook) with statues and just having a grand olde tyme. Then we decided to wander back to my apartment (on the 34th floor) and continue the merriment while watching "Role Models" and drinking Guinness. Great warm-up for tonight…in which I'm not sure what we're going to be doing…but I'm sure it'll involve alcohol, the color green, and possibly matching pigmented vomit in the morning. "Oh God, did I eat a leprechaun last night?" Anyway, here's some news...

Enter the Dragon Deli - A robber gets more than he bargained for when he targeted a Tae Kwon Do studio in suburban Milwaukee. The robber thought he could quietly slip in and out of David Kang's studio in Fox Point, Wisconsin with some loot. What he didn't realize is that he would encounter a Tae Kwon Do master who wasn't about to let him off the hook. Kang was giving a private lesson Tuesday and heard someone in his office. Kang found the man going through his closet, grabbed him by the neck and sat him down while he called police. The robber took off and Kang gave chase, finally catching up with the man and holding him by the neck until police arrived. Now, this may sound a little drab…but that's where the magic of martial arts movies comes in. Simple changes like…Kang found the man going through his closet, possibly looking for the sacred scroll of Lao Ming of which his family has protected for nearly a thousand years. The robber didn't know Kang was even in the room until he was within the grasp of the Fire Lotus neck hold, rendering him completely within the control of Kang…like a marionette. "Sit down." After a few gestures causing the robber to slap himself, Kang tossed him into the seat as his other hand was already calling the police. Though stunned at his momentary paralysis, the robber knew that he had to make a run for it…or face ass-packin' prison. He ran as fast as he could for the exit. Kang simply smiled as he continued giving the address over the phone. The robber was a few blocks away now, already short of breath and contemplating his next move. Should he head home? Should he lay low for a while? Was he recognized? Just then he inexplicably punched himself in the groin, causing him to bend over into the fetal position. "I told you…to sit down." Kang had a hold of his neck again…and wasn't going to let go until the police arrived…occasionally making the robber beat his bean bag, merely for Kang's amusement. See, just a few simple changes and the story is all the more interesting…yet still rooted heavily in fact. Hollywood, you know the number. Make me a deal.

Chill Boss - Now, my bosses during my various careers have been pretty chill. That may be because I'm an incredibly intelligent and dependable employee…but regardless, they haven't had to show their stressed-out side for the most part. However, this next story…is just silly. Police in Bryant, Arkansas said a woman has been arrested for allegedly slipping some tranquilizers into her boss's coffee because she felt "he needed to chill out." Police said the 24-year-old woman admitted to detectives that she slipped the drugs into veterinarian John Duckett's drink. Officers said Duckett knew something was wrong shortly after drinking some of the coffee Tuesday morning. Officers said the woman cleaned the cages at the Reynolds Road Animal Clinic. A judge set bond at $25,000 Friday and a jailer said the woman was still being held Friday. Her next court appearance is scheduled for April 21st. Wow! Bond set at $25,000 for a woman who cleans cages at an animal clinic? Do they realize that's probably like four year's salary after taxes? What did she slip in there? Reds? Some kind of horse tranquilizer set to incapacitate? I can see Mr. Duckett's story now. "I knew something was wrong with my drink…when shortly after taking a sip, I voided my bowels, fell to the floor and awoke to find myself using an injured porcupine as a pillow…but couldn't feel a thing." "I'm sorry Mister Duckett, I just caught about every other word. You sound like you just got out of the dentist's office…more so than your usual Arkansas accent. Can you please explain why there are quills all over your pants and face?" "I'M TELLING YOU (blah blah blobble blah)." So please take note, don't drug your boss…well, without their knowledge. Some bosses are down with that…but they rarely like to be surprised. "Mmm, this coffee tastes different. Did you get me French Vanilla coffee for my birthday? How thoughtful!" "You wish, b**ch!!! Want the antidote to go with that? AAHHHH-hahahahahahahahaha…" (You should really hear that laugh in person, it's quite comical)

Economy Hurts Us All - I hate to bring up the whole economy thing…since TV does that enough for me…but here's something else. Sales in the French erotic industry have fallen as the global economic crisis has driven consumers to reduce their spending on sex toys, massage oils and other kinky products, according to sector specialists (not sure what that means…but I wonder if they're hiring). At "Big Eropolis," an erotic fair that opened on Friday near Paris and bills itself as the biggest of its kind in the world (seriously, who doesn't?), attendance was healthy but stall owners said customers were not spending as much as in previous years. "We are hit by the financial crisis. We are not in the car industry either, so we haven't seen a drop (in sales) of 50 percent, but the financial crisis has hit us," the fair's organizer Eric Heuninck said of the industry. There would, however, be at least as many visitors at the fair this year as last year, each paying 30 Euros a ticket, he added as adults of all ages browsed at stalls selling a wide variety of vibrators, lingerie and high-heeled footwear. "We have had a fall in turnover of about 30 percent compared with last year," said Bernard Montagud, who runs a sex toy stand at the fair which travels around France. "Of course there's been an impact on business. Before, when a customer came and we presented the products, we always managed to sell them two or three items. Now, alas, they leave with one single item. We feel the impact." Unemployment has been rising steadily for months in France as a fall in global economic activity has prompted many companies to lay off workers, and those who have kept their jobs are worried about the future…but to some visitors at the fair, which also included a stage on which stripteases were performed to loud music, falling sales of sex toys made no sense in the current economic climate. "When you can't go out, you have fun at home. So maybe it (the fair) can work," said a pensioner who gave only her first name, Joelle, adding that her spending had not changed. Hot…but apparently not the norm. All this time I thought that high-end, sex-crazed Frenchie festivals were recession-proof…but I have been proven wrong yet again. Wo is me. I am Wo. Oh well, I'll just have to find somebody and make her go "Whoa" the old-fashioned way. Together, we can make it through this economic downturn…and still have a good time. Ask me how.

Samuel L. Update - Just when you thought that Samuel L. Jackson would never have to do another movie gig again after signing that nine-picture deal with Marvel, this story comes out. While out doing promotions for his new movie "12 Rounds", director Renny Harlin ("Cliffhanger", "Cutthroat Island" and "Die Hard 2") revealed that a sequel to his 1996 hit "The Long Kiss Goodnight" is in the works, but it may be a while off. "You know I would love to [make the sequel] and I’ve talked about it but it’s definitely a rumor. Right now there’s nothing really cooking on it" said the Finnish director this week to Moviehole. In the original (as I'm sure you know because it's a great movie), his wife Geena Davis played spy Samantha Caine who lost her memory and became a housewife. Soon her real memories and skills start to re-emerge and private dick Mitch Hennessey (Jackson) gets pulled along for the ride as she hunts down those who tried to kill her. The sequel would focus on Jackson alone and Harlin admits he has a story ready for it - "I do have a story line for it, that I worked out and I know exactly what would happen and I think it would be fantastic and I can reveal as much as saying it would be Sam Jackson to his misfortune crossing paths with Geena Davis's daughter from the first movie who in the first movie was about six years old and who would now be about 19 or 20." Hmm, interesting…especially if her daughter happens to be Megan Fox or Lacey Chabert or something…but yeah, I'll wait until it gets the green light to get too excited. Right now it sounds a little like an interesting idea…but like Renny said, "it's definitely a rumor."

MacGyver Movie - New Line is developing a feature film version of 80's TV series "MacGyver" says The Hollywood Reporter. Richard Dean Anderson ("Stargate: SG-1") starred in the original as an incredibly resourceful secret agent for the Phoenix Foundation who frequently would escape from dangerous situations with ingenious and lightning-quick engineering trickery using everyday objects. No writer is presently attached but one is being sought who can combine both a serious and fun adventure movie with the acknowledgment of the character's place in pop culture. Sadly, with that being said, I'm kind of expecting this to be a future Ben Stiller movie…much like Starsky & Hutch…but we'll see. It's really the only way that we can bring the mullet back without having Brad Pitt play MacGyver. Seriously, that guy could make anything cool again. If he were in the Miami Vice remake instead of Colin Farrell, we'd all be wearing pastels again. It almost worked for Ocean's Eleven. Just think about it. Anyway, yeah. MacGyver movie could be funny…and exhilarating…in the right hands. "What are we gonna do, MacGyver? Those headhunters are right behind us." "Let's empty our pockets real quick. Let's see. Some pocket change, a few credit cards, my lucky rubber band, a well-worn condom, a money clip, and your pocket knife. Okay, I've got an idea. Give me your shoelaces." "Here you go. What are you gonna make?" "I'm gonna make sweet love to your mother with this condom after I take your money & credit cards…and if you chase after me, I'll stab you with your own knife." "What? Why are you doing this?" "Because those headhunters only need one of us…and since I've got your f**king shoes, there's no way that you're going to outrun me on this terrain. So long, sucker!!! Woopwoowoowoowoo… (That's my Curly exit)"

Well, with an ode to the Three Stooges, I'll bid you good day. Stay tuned for an update on our adventures in debauchery…and be sure to wear your green today…unless you want to get pinched…and in that case, I can totally understand. Just remember, dudes don't pinch dudes…unless you're one of those macho football Greco Roman wrestler guys…and then it usually ends in one hell of a purple nurple instead of a pinch in good faith. I guess what I’m really trying to say is…Be Careful Out There. Don't drink & drive. Just please don't. Sleep in your car if you need to. It's beautiful weather anyway. Drink one for me!!! Have a merry St. Patrick's Day!!!


Doc said...

Boy you sure cover a lot of ground in one post! Kung Fu, French Sexpo, movie news, and Gaelic all in one!

You had better slow down. You are making the rest of us look bad. I slap up a picture, tell one dirty joke, then exit stage left. But with you, each story gets it's full and fair treatment, not to mention a bit of $teve whit at the end, usually a nod and a wink to the ladies. You have got to tell me if this works out for you with the fairer sex.

Grand, as always,

$teve said...

Thanks Doc. It's always a pleasure to hear from ya. :) One of my friends who reads this occasionally put my blog this way, basically it's like me just copying a few news stories, throwing in a punch line, maybe rant about nothing in particular, make my own conversation, basically do whatever it takes to make others (and myself) laugh...and once in a while I have a serious moment. Basically it's me in real life. :)

As for luck with the fairer sex, I regret to say that my charms have a way with the ladies...but the ladies rarely have their way with my charms. HAPPY ST PATTY'S MORNING!!! I'm guessing that you're probably feeling it too. :)

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