Friday, March 6, 2009

Please Visit Vegas

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy Birthdays to Shaquille O'Neal (37), comedians D.L. Hughley (46) and Tom Arnold (50), former Washington DC Mayor / coke addict Marion Barry (73), Alan Greenspan (83), Ed McMahon (86…and hope you get better soon), and one of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Michelangelo. No wait, my apologies, it's actually the great Italian artist Michelangelo…who if he were the Highlander would be 534 years young today. Happy birthday gentlemen!!!

Rock Band Update - Basically the Rock Band: The Beatles video game that I've mentioned a few times before now has a release date. That date is September 9th, 2009…or 9/9/09 for all you conspiracy theorists out there. "Ooooh, it's like 666 but upside down. The Beatles are the Four Horsemen. Paul is dead. I am the Walrus. It all adds up to 23. The cats are brown." You know who you are. That is all. Still haven't seen an official song list or anything…but can't wait.

TO Update - Speaking of can't wait, do you realize how excited I got when I heard that Terrell Owens was fired (with a healthy severance package) from the Dallas Cowboys? Let's just say it was a good thing that I was already sitting down for my morning deuce because I literally shat myself with excitement and glee…and a little pee too. Sure, he'll probably get another job in the NFL…but it'll probably be for a team that nobody cares about…with a rookie quarterback…like the Lions. Oh, how I hope the Lions sign him. That's the best thing. According to ESPN this morning, the only teams that are really interested are the 49ers and the Raiders, both who suck six ways to Sunday. Maybe he'll sign with the Raiders and get stabbed by a teammate…or a fan. Whatever, he's a douche…and with my luck he'll probably sign with the Broncos…but this is about football…and I know you don't want to hear about it…so I'll stop.

4 Year Old Wins Tropical Island - That's right. A 4-year-old boy has won the use of an uninhabited tropical island, with white sand beaches and clear turquoise waters, in a Taiwan lottery aimed at boosting spending during an economic downturn. Officials said Yeh Chien-wei, who won the prize at Thursday's draw, will get exclusive rights to the tiny plot in the Taiwan Strait from May through September. Penghu County, an offshore archipelago, will provide food, drinks, water and electricity to the boy. He has been quoted in local media saying he wants to play in the sea (possibly making a fish face while quoting these comments). "Penghu has a lot of islands, and that one has water and electricity, so someone can really enjoy it," said county economic promotion official Lu Yan-chang, explaining why use of the island, which also has a cabin, was offered as a prize. Counties elsewhere in Taiwan have offered cars, houses and other prizes to encourage locals to spend consumer vouchers worth T$3,600 ($103) that the government gave to every citizen in January to encourage spending to help boost the sagging economy. Penghu, which comprises 64 islands, is known for its beautiful beaches and water sports. The real catch is according to the terms of the prize, the boy and up to seven family members can visit the island five times, for trips that last a maximum of three days. Having your own private island resort for the summer would be sweet…as long you could make it out there five separate times…for only three days at a time. Still, not a bad win for a four-year-old. Maybe they should raise the gambling age in Taiwan though. I'm sure that there are a lot of kids there going without lunch because of their naivety that the School House always wins. "Should I double down for an extra serving of rice? Let's go for it. I'm feeling lucky."

Buy Some Busch, the Legal Way - Wanna buy an amusement park? Well, Busch Entertainment Corporation, the parent company of Sea World Orlando, Busch Gardens in Tampa and 8 other theme parks around the country are looking to auction them off. Since beer behemoth Anheuser-Busch's merger this last year, they've been looking to sell at least $7 billion in assets this year…and these parks are the first to go. Already, representatives for Merlin Entertainments Group, a British amusement-park operator, have discussed a potential bid with Anheuser-Busch InBev. Experts (or so they call themselves) say this could be a deal worth somewhere between $2 billion to $5 billion (quite a range there). For those who don't know, Merlin currently owns Legolands in four countries, the 440-foot London Eye Ferris Wheel and a 50% stake in Universal Orlando. So you may have some competition if you're looking to buy an amusement park…but if you have the capital, I say go for it. Now is the time to buy, right?

Vegas Update - Sadly, Vegas is pretty much clinging to the rim of the bowl as a whirlpool of financial currents suck it down a black hole. In the past few days, despite the super cool idea of a monorail from there to Disneyland (which may or may not be based on truth), the planned $890 million revamp of the world's largest convention center has been shelved and MGM Mirage, the Strip's largest casino operator, after already letting thousands of employees go this year, is looking for the final $1.2 billion to finish up that massive $9.1 billion CityCenter development in the heart of the Strip after discussions with Deutsche Bank fell apart on Wednesday (maybe if they had a David Hasselhoff Museum, they'd reconsider). This is just the latest of woes for the great city of excess…but as always, I have a solution. EVERYBODY PLAN A TRIP TO VEGAS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE…and most importantly, GO THERE!!!

Now is the time. With some of the best deals in a loooong time on premiere hotel stays, airline tickets, gas prices, even special event pricing and all the usual comps and free shows and free drinks and competition between the properties, if you're ever looking for a time to see the glittering lights of the Strip, the largest and most elaborate hotels, some of the finest restaurants and shopping anywhere in the world, even the warm beautiful weather of the Spring and the crisp cool air conditioning of the Summer, golf at some of the most beautiful resorts in the world, see the engineering marvels across the city or even jaunt out to the Hoover Dam & the new bridge they're building out there, basically it'd be foolish not to go visit Vegas now…and often. Are you concerned about the money involved? Think you can't find a great deal? Let me know and I'll hook you up. It's actually quite easy…and who knows, you may get to see me down there too. Win-win, baby. Don't gamble? Don’t care. There's much more to do there than gambling…but who knows, you may hit it big too. God knows I like doing the cheap roulette wheels for a few hours and let a lovely lady in a corset bring me high-point Heinekens and/or Long Islands on the house. Anyway, Vegas needs your help…and for the cost of pennies a day…you can save up for an incredible, exciting and romantic weekend in America's Great Oasis - Las Vegas, Nevada - "The City of Lights & Entertainment Capital of the World"

Did that motivate ya? Well, I thought I'd give it a shot. Even though I don't live there, I still love that place like a fat kid loves cake. Mmm moist, delicious cake. I don't want to see it become a ghost town. Oh my, can you imagine? The city's completely evacuated except for a few homes in Henderson to monitor the Dam…and it's totally like "Resident Evil: Extinction" but without the zombies…or maybe just a few? People take road trips out there to see the Old West. "To your right, you'll see one of the former favorite watering holes of this town, the Mirage. Where the legendary beastmasters Sigmund and his wife Joy used to entertain the local mobsters and gunslingers with magic tricks, tigers and even dragons. Across the street, you'll see the famed Planet Hollywood laboratory…which was actually constructed as a robotic research facility by one of the owners of Planet Hollywood…who himself was actually a cyborg…and governor of California. This explains why they kept a sterile (non-smoking) environment within a casino…which was an absolutely ridiculous proposition during its time…and why it was one of the last large scale projects to be built here…before the great Monorail Disney Zombie Disaster of 2012 predicted by philosophers Nostradamus…and the great Doctor Mookie Tockenbaut Love, who is currently Lord Sovereign of these United States." It could happen. Sometimes history gets embellished over the years. Anyway, together we can save Sin City!!!

I think I'll end today's note on that fiery revolutionary war cry. Not much else to report…other than I'm basically my brother's only friend…and with his divorce & adoption of my niece in a state of many questions, he feels obligated to ask me. I'm glad to be there for him. Luckily I was able to distract him last night from rambling on about the same stuff with his marriage over & over again and dwelling on it with "Holy crap, change it to the Discovery Channel. There's this show Road Rampage and these accidents are f**king wicked. OH!!! This lady just drove into a bus stop. Cheese & rice!!!" Nothing distracts from emotional baggage more than high speed chases with brutal conclusions. Have a great day everybody!!!

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