Sunday, March 22, 2009

They Call It Coca, Coca Banana

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, not much has been going on honestly. I've been working out a few hours a day...and I watched a few movies last night...but I thought that I'd save those reviews for tomorrow. They're good ones though. Lots of hotties and insight. Well, by my standards anyway. There was also a thunderstorm last night...and I had the privilidge of watching it outside my window. Did I ever mention that I like my view from my apartment? I find it convenient that I'm entertained by all the little things in life. (By the way, I watched "Amelie" just before the storm started...and it's now one of my favorites. It's kooky and crazy...just like me) Sometimes I catch myself just wandering aimlessly about town and thinking random thoughts...similar to Amelie "How many people are having an orgasm at this very moment?" but it's more like "How many people are getting laid right now?" Then it's some depressing number that I've randomly made up by calculating the percentage of time that I've been in the act of coitus...and multiplying that by...a million or so to get the standard average...and then take into account that there's say...four million people in Denver...and I come up with something in the tens of thousands. Maybe a little high of an estimate...but then again, not too far off. Anyway, last night was cool...and I sat and watched the storm for about...thirty minutes before it died down. More good news, it's supposed to storm again today...but probably snow instead of lightning. We shall see. Here's some other news that you might find entertaining...

Rhode Island Job Fair - Here's a job opportunity you won't need to buy a new wardrobe for. Hoping to take advantage of Rhode Island's floundering economy, owners of the Foxy Lady (dun dun duuuuuh, dun dun duuuuh FOXY) strip club in Providence plan to hold a job fair today. They say they're looking to fill around 30 positions, from strippers and waitresses to disc jockeys and bartenders, at that club and two others in Massachusetts. "I need more managers, I need more competent staff, and I need more attractive waitresses to go along with the ones I have right now," said co-owner Tom Tsoumas. The naked truth is that Rhode Island's economy is among the worst in the nation, with an unemployment rate of 10.3 percent in January. The Providence club isn't immune from the recession but is still drawing customers willing to drink and pay for lap dances, said manager Bob Travisono. "It's taken a hit. It's not as bad as restaurants and stuff like that. In times like this, they seem to drink their sorrows away." Tsoumas said he hopes some who might shun strip clubs when the economy is good might consider shedding their clothes now...or at least working as a floor host or bartender. It's great to see that there are some job opportunities out there. I'd be interested to see the line of people waiting for their interview…and the bouncer & guy at the door letting them in. "You can go. You can go. Hey, are you applying for disc jockey?" "No, strippers." "AH! Really? You'd better just get out of here. Next. You can go. You can go. You'd better have a bartending license. You can go. Come back when you're taller. Okay everybody, club's full. Gonna be about a two hour wait." I've always wanted to be the interviewer for a gentleman's club. I always thought that would be an interesting situation.

$teve: "First and foremost, could I see some ID? Okay, this looks legit. So…what are your qualifications?"

Interviewee: "Well, I was on a dance troupe in high school…and I just love music."

$teve: "That's great, sweetie…but what are your qualifications? Would you mind showing them to me?"

Interviewee: "I don't…understand what you're asking."

$teve: "Oh I'm sorry, perhaps I'm being a little ambiguous because of certain HR laws. What job are you applying for?"

Interviewee: "Dancer."

$teve: "What kind of dancer?"

Interviewee: "Um…exotic?"

$teve: "Correct. Was this an exotic dance troupe? If so, which high school did you go to…because I'm feeling ripped off with my high school experience."
Interviewee: "Well, no. It was mostly jazz dance and stuff like that."

$teve: "Okay, then why mention it? That's like a heart surgeon starting with how many kittens they saved. It's not that I don't care…but I don't care. There's a long line of applicants outside and I wanna cut through the fluff. What are your qualifications? Wait, maybe this will help. (Remote turns on the music and dims the lights) Now, go…"
Interviewee: "What?"

$teve: "Come on. Time is money…and you have thirty seconds starting…now. Wow me." Interviewee does a rather impressive routine given the immediate environment.

$teve: "Excellent. I especially like the thing you did where you unbuttoned my shirt with your buttocks. That's distinctive. Well Emily, we have your information and the video…"

Interviewee: "What video?"

$teve: "The video of this interview. Don't worry, it's strictly for internal use and you've already signed the waiver when you came in the door. As I was saying, we have your information…"
Interviewee: "But you didn't take my resume. Don’t you want to glance it over?"

$teve: "(Sigh) Okay, put it on the pile…but I'm going to warn you, I'm more of a visual, tactile, hands-on learner. Reading makes me sleepy…and you don't want me to be sleepy for the job that you're applying for…unless it's blood rushing elsewhere. Oh, by the way, what's your stage name?"
Interviewee: "Oh, well I really hadn't thought about it."

$teve: "Hmm, well I was thinking about a Disney Princesses Night once a week. Do you have a Snow White outfit?"

Interviewee: "No, nothing like that. Would that be provided?"

$teve: "Actually…entertainers provide their own costume…and honestly, based on this interview, I would highly suggest that you acquire one…because I think you have the potential for a Snow White…but right now, you're definitely Sleepy. We'll contact you…and would you please send the next girl in. Thank you for coming…er, stopping by. (Glances at watch) Whew, we'd better pick up the pace with these interviews." P.S. Just so you're aware, this was the short version of the interview that I had typed out. Any HR specialists out there? Do you think I'm covered legally? What are the restrictions on an interview such as this?

Polygamy: Not Just a Utah Thing - Authorities in Overland Park, Kansas said a 61-year-old man allegedly married to two women who lived in the same apartment complex faces charges. The man was charged with bigamy and other felonies. Officials said police were called to the complex in November when the second wife went to the first wife's apartment to confront the man and found out he was married to someone else. The man was arrested this week and made his first court appearance Wednesday. The man was married his first wife 22 years ago. Court records said the second marriage occurred in January 2006. Both women are in their 50s. The man was also charged with using his father's Social Security card to lease one of the apartments and with stealing jewelry and money from his second wife. Now, were I this man's attorney, I would try to claim the old Alzheimer's Defense. "Your honor, I didn't think that I was married. Now I have these two lovely ladies telling me that I'm their husband…and I don't know who to believe. I think these young gold diggers are taking advantage of me in my old age." "Sir, how do you explain using your father's social security card?" "The what now? Speak up." "YOUR FATHER'S SECURITY CARD?" "What's daddy got to do with all this? Did I marry him too? Oh Jesus, I'm going to Hell now." "No, it's…forget it. How about the stealing of your alleged wife's property?" "Thought it was mine." "You thought the jewelry was yours?" "Yup. Don’t be prejudice because I like to wear fancy accessories…and the money looked just like mine. That part I remember." You can make it work. It just takes a little creativity…and tenacity.

Coca Banana - No, not a hot new Latin nightclub in Lodo (though we've already established that I'd be a great interviewer) but rather a fun little story from Germany. A stunned supermarket saleswoman stumbled upon 28 kilograms (60 pounds) of cocaine worth over a million Euros while unpacking boxes of bananas in southern Germany, police said on Friday. The crates of fruit, flown in from Colombia and imported into Germany via the Belgian port of Antwerp, were probably mixed up when they were being loaded onto the delivery trucks, Ludwig Waldinger from the Bavarian police told AFP. "Some dealers must have picked up the wrong boxes," he told AFP, adding that he would like to see the look on the faces of the drug dealers when they try to get their fix from the nutritious snack. I feel the same way. The 26-year-old shop assistant found the 26 packets of cocaine on Wednesday morning and (allegedly) immediately alerted the police, who are currently investigating the apparent blunder. Yeah, that would be a bit of a trip to be expecting to open a crate to over a million dollars worth of drugs…and find a great source of potassium. "What the…? Are the drugs in the bananas? (Takes a bite, spits it out) No, not even buzzed." "Maybe you have to snort it." "That's the stupidest idea I've ever…maybe. You. Give me your knife." There's been a few shipping error stories in the drug trafficking business recently. I wonder if FedEx or UPS or whoever is losing some business from these reports. Maybe it's because of budget cuts on their end. Damn, this economy just effects everybody…especially when bananas cost a million dollars a crate. I'd be pissed.

Painful Play - This story absolutely breaks my heart…but I know that it's a fairly common thing. Women who experience pain during sex are not as alone as they might think: Past research has shown that 15 percent of women experience dyspareunia, or recurrent genital pain during intercourse (and not just from improper form, kinky activities or shear wear & tear). Dyspareunia mostly afflicts women. Hardly any men report it (because when men are hardly, they don't even care). Now a new study finds that women who report painful sex have more easily triggered pain networks than do other women, suggesting that dyspareunia should be reclassified as a pain disorder rather than a sexual dysfunction. The findings, recently published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, are based on research in which two groups of women - those with dyspareunia and those without - were asked to remember lists of words divided into four categories: words related to sex, words related to pain, pleasant words not related to sex, and unpleasant words not related to pain. Women in both groups had better recall for sex words than for pain words. However, women who had dyspareunia had more false memories for pain words (in particular, they incorrectly remembered the words "pain" and "painful," which were not on the lists). Pain stimuli, the researchers conclude, more easily capture the attention of women with dyspareunia and remain in their memory. "If sex and pain are repeatedly paired, they may have similar strong internal representations," said Lea Thaler of UNLV (Go Vegas!!!), who headed up the study. "Due to their experience with chronic pain, women with dyspareunia seem to have internal representations of pain that can be easily activated, and this has been illustrated with research showing that these women have a hypervigilance for pain information and catastrophize about their pain experience." In other words, women with dyspareunia are on the lookout for pain...and they imagine it will be more harmful than it really is. The study's findings support a school of thought that the treatment of painful sex needs to be refocused. Thaler said some researchers think that reclassifying dyspareunia as a pain disorder would allow for its multidisciplinary treatment, including help from sex therapists, gynecologists, physical therapists and pain specialists…or even blog doctors like myself…ladies. However, "[there are] some opponents who fear that if it is classified as a pain disorder, we may start to ignore the devastating impact it has on sexual function" but Thaler says there's hope for women who suffer from painful sex. "In cognitive behavioral therapy, women with dyspareunia are taught to become less vigilant to pain and catastrophize less about their pain. They are taught coping self-statements and learn how to manage their pain when it does occur. These strategies, along with others, often result in reduced pain during sexual intercourse." So there is some hope for you ladies out there with this affliction. In the meantime, if it does hurt, let your partner know. They'll do what it takes to make it right…or they're just not worth it. I mean…you would want to know, right? Besides, the bedroom is the last place where it should hurt. It should be your sanctuary.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Tune in tomorrow for more randomness...and the Bacon Brother ticket offer is still open. Other than that, please have a great day everybody!!! Come on, I said please.

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