Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Speed Has EVERYTHING To Do With It

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

In family news, my brother got custody of the kids…and I think the divorce is official…but frankly, I don't really know the details. It's probably a good thing that he got custody…because from what I understand, my now ex-sister-in-law is in absolutely no condition to be around children…and she didn't even fight for it, which is a pretty good indicator that the rumors and hearsay are based in reality. Regardless, Kairi & Vinny will be staying with my brother, who's working now. Kelaudri is still in custody with her dad…and I'll probably never see her again…which sucks because she's a great kid…and I only hope that her dad reads Dr Seuss books to her too. It's just a messy situation…but overall, I think it's a good thing. Sure, my ex-sister-in-law just kind of floats about life and goes…wherever…but that's where she was before my brother came along…so really no loss there (other than a sh*tload of money my family invested in her well-being…but it's just money). My brother has really grown since becoming a family man…and has learned a lot about responsibility…and he now has a purpose in life - to give those babies a safe & healthy life. He's still learning a lot every day…but it's been great for him, even if it's absolutely heartbreaking at the same time. He's got a good support system though with his family, so he'll be fine…and if he had never taken a chance with her, then we wouldn't have the two wonderful kids in our family…so yeah, overall, it's a good thing…even if it's difficult at times. Oh well, everybody's gotta get that first marriage out of the way, right? Makes you more prepared for next time. Anyway, here's some world news...

Good Samaritan Update - Remember last week when I told you about the local Denverite who was hit by a truck in a snowstorm while helping old ladies across a busy downtown street…and the police gave him a Jaywalking ticket? Well, they decided to take the ticket back…so he doesn't have to pay $22. Bus driver Jim Moffett and another man were helping two elderly women cross a busy Denver street in a snowstorm when he was hit February 20th. Moffett suffered bleeding in the brain, broken bones, a dislocated shoulder and a possible ruptured spleen. He remained hospitalized in serious condition Friday. His wife Donna says, "He's doing better, but it's going to be a long, hard road for him. His knee is just completely destroyed, his shoulder was badly dislocated, he's got a lot of internal injuries." The State Patrol said in a statement that it withdrew the citation "after examining the ... circumstances" and consulting with prosecutors. Wow. Thanks guys. I'm sure that relieves a lot of pressure off his brain…or I'm sure the doctors are helping with that too.

When Jokes Go Too Far - An Israeli girl has become a divorcee at the age of 14. It all began as a joke, in a schoolyard where a 17-year-old boy recently declared the girl his wife, reciting a Jewish ritual vow in front of witnesses, and she accepted his ring (purple spider ring?). That, and what a spokeswoman for Israel's Rabbinical Courts said was the consummation of their marriage, was enough to make them man and wife in the Jewish state. Spokeswoman Efrat Orbach, describing the girl as the youngest Jewish divorcee in Israel's modern history, said the couple was granted a rabbinical divorce this week. Don't worry. Apparently, under Israeli criminal law, sexual relations with a 14-year-old girl are not illegal as long as her male partner is no more than three years her senior. It's nice to hear a tale of Love out of the Holy Land every once in a while…even if it's mildly creepy & disturbing. I wonder if she gets half of his lunch every day and they have a visitation schedule set up with their pet turtle. Hmm…well, at least they got that first marriage out of the way. That's always the toughest one.

Renaming Veggies - So your kids won't eat their vegetables? Just name them something cool. In a new study, 186 four-year-olds were given regular carrots and, on other lunch days, they were given the same vegetables renamed X-ray Vision Carrots. On the latter days, they ate nearly twice as many. The study suggests the influence of these names might persist. Children continued to eat about 50% more carrots even on the days when they were no longer labeled as anything special. The research was presented yesterday at the annual meeting of the School Nutrition Association in Washington, DC. Lead author Brian Wansink of Cornell University said, "Cool names can make for cool foods. Whether it be 'power peas' or 'dinosaur broccoli trees,' giving a food a fun name makes kids think it will be more fun to eat. And it seems to keep working - even the next day." Similar results have been found with adults. A restaurant study showed that when the Seafood Filet was changed to Succulent Italian Seafood Filet, sales increased 28% and taste rating increased by 12%. "Same food, but different expectations, and a different experience," said Wansink, author of "Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think." The veggie study was conducted in pre-schools, but the researchers believe the same naming tricks can work with children at home. "I've been using this with my kids," said researcher Collin Payne, "Whatever sparks their imagination seems to spark their appetite." So what's the best way to get your kids to eat something? Lie to them. Now, I've never had a problem eating my veggies…but yeah, it's all about the presentation. Heck, tell your kids that bananas are loaded with steroids so they can be big & strong like A-Rod or Barry Bonds…and they'll get their daily amount of potassium, guaranteed…and without 'Roid Rage. Being a marketing degree holder, I'm also aware that provocative metaphors help to make your product stand out too. There have been THOUSANDS of studies confirming that. So yeah, free parenting advice from Dr Love. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

Speaking of renaming things, I have a bit of a problem with the term "Lazy Eye" running around out there. Now, the superior rectus muscle in my right eye has some deficiencies…and so by common colloquialisms, I have a "Lazy Eye". Does that mean my eye is lazy? Should its work ethic be called into question? No, I think not. If somebody is paralyzed from the waist down, do they have "Lazy Legs"? No. If somebody has an irregular heartbeat, does that mean they have a "Stupid Heart"? Of course not. If somebody's an alcoholic, does that mean they have a "Pansy Liver"? If somebody suffers from premature ejaculation, does he have an "Overzealous Penis"? Okay, maybe…but still, you get my drift. So what do we call it instead? Wandering Eye? Shifty Eye? Crazy Eye? I don't know. I'm not a literary genius…but those have bad connotations too. Damn it, if I don't get to tell people they have a Stupid Heart then there has to be something else for a Lazy Eye. Any ideas out there? Uninterested Eye? Heck, according to that last story, maybe I should call it an X-Ray Eye or Power Eye or something. I don't know. Just a thought of a little gripe that I had.

Well, that'll probably do it for today. Not a whole lot else to talk about today. Pretty standard Tuesday in my world. I get my taxes done tomorrow. That'll be awesome. Well, at least the getting the check in a few weeks will be awesome. Still no soda for a full week now. Going to the gym too. Yoga class last night and spinning today. Gotta do something to fill up my free time, right? Have a great day everybody!!!

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