Brought to You by the Letter B

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today marks the first day of Spring. I guess it's the equinox and so…all is in balance? Isn't that…what that means? It was a little cloudy this morning, so no first sunrise of Spring shining in my window…but no matter. Haven't been feeling too well the past few days (maybe it IS a good thing I took Wednesday off) but not too horrible. Just kind of blah, so I've been drinking juice to make sure I don't come down with anything. Lots of juice. Had some the other day at the museum that was an odd combination too - Cranberry Apple Raspberry, which I think they should just condense to Crappleberry. Not the tastiest name ever…but I can see the advertisement now. "Try Welch's new Crappleberry Juice - You'll have Vitamin C coming out of my A!!!" Marketing genius.

Well, so far I've only missed two out of 16 picks in games so far in the NCAA tournament…and one of those went down to the final seconds (VCU) and the other was really just a bold choice for a Sweet 16 Cinderella (MSU Bulldogs). We'll see how the rest of them go. So yeah, that's how I spent my evening. That and watching "Futurama: Bender's Game" which was the typical Futurama hilarity. Zap Branigan is still my favorite character on that show. "I suffer from a very sexy learning disorder. What's it called again, Kiff?" "(Sigh) Sexlexia." So yeah, if you like Futurama, check it out…and honestly, I'd be more excited about a Zap Branigan spin-off than a Cleveland spin-off from Family Guy. Just my opinion though. Other than that, not much else going on right now…except…

BACON Update - Through my contacts with my job, I was invited as a VIP to a very special presentation of the Bacon Brothers at the Hard Rock Café here in Denver next weekend. So I've got an extra ticket if anybody wants to come out to Denver and, oh I don't know, MEET KEVIN BACON!!! That's right, through the magic of networking, I will skip the other five degrees…and be shaking hands directly with THE Kevin Bacon…oh and apparently his brother…ugh Crispy? Delicious? Hickory Smoked? I don't know his brother's name. He wasn't in Tremors. As a VIP, apparently there's a special meet & greet before the concert where we'll be introduced to the Bacons. I'm sure it'll be great music too. So yeah, if you're interested and have nothing better to do next Sunday, March 29th, let me know. Who knows. If you ask nicely, you may even get a free dinner out of it…ladies. I would insist that you at least consider the Bleu Bacon Burger…in honor of our hosts. Anyway, that's really about it…so here's the news...

Expendables Update - Something new happens with this movie every week it seems. Sylvester Stallone is trading down with rapper Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson replacing Oscar winner Forest Whitaker in the action team-up feature "The Expendables" reports AICN. Due to delays which have put back the film's shoot by a month, Whitaker has had to pull out due to conflicts with prior engagements. Stallone stars in and directs the actioneer about a team of mercenaries on a mission to overthrow a South American dictator. Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Dolph Lungdren, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, Charisma Carpenter and Steve Austin also star. Filming kicks off in Brazil on the 28th, then moves to New Orleans on April 13th. Arnold Schwarzenegger's cameo will be shot in Los Angeles. Hmm, Brazil, New Orleans, sounds more interesting with every update. I kinda thought that Forest Whitaker seemed a little out of place in a movie with this much action…but he had acting chops. Now they have to rely on the deep complex characters of Sly himself…and maybe Mickey Rourke. I'm told he can act too. Haven't seen "The Wrestler" though…and "Angelheart" is still pretty unforgivable. "Come on $teve, that was over 20 years ago. We all make mistakes. What about Sin City? 9 & 1/2 Weeks? Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man?" "Mr. Rourke, you're not helping your case. Sin City was awesome…but get them to start on number two, then you'll be forgiven." Oh, so yeah, Fitty's now expendable. Awesome. Now the odd one out seems to be Charisma Carpenter…but she was on Buffy & Angel for a long time (so I'm told) so maybe she has some action chops…or at least eye candy. Even action flicks need sufficient eye candy.

OVER THE LINE!!! - Police said a dispute over bowling etiquette led one man to assault another with a 16-pound ball, knocking out one of the man's teeth. They said a 24-year-old man hit a man in the face with the bowling ball during a melee involving six bowlers at the Rocklin AMF Lanes. Two groups got into a fist fight about 12:40 AM Thursday after two bowlers approached the lane at the same time…and apparently they couldn't agree which should go first. Thus leading to the only possible way of settling this dispute. No, not drawing a handgun out of your bag and screaming, "It's just like Nam" or something…but rather, a drunken melee involving both teams. Last man standing gets to go first. However, they forgot one major rule…and that's that balls in play are not allowed in the melee…and that's a serious league violation involving possible suspension. Rocklin police Sgt. Terry Jewell said the victim was treated for facial injuries at a local hospital. Doctors reinserted the tooth, hoping it will reattach itself. The suspect was being held on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon in Placer County Jail. By the way, check out the Big Lebowski if you haven't already. Otherwise my rambling seems even more insane than intended. If the suspect's name was Walter, I would probably literally sh*t myself laughing. "I'm perfectly calm, dude."

The Brazilian Job - The great state of New Jersey is drawing the line when it comes to bikini waxing. The state Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is moving toward a ban on genital waxing after two women reported being injured in their quest for a smooth bikini line (Really? Only two?). Both women were hospitalized for infections following so-called "Brazilian" bikini waxes; one of the women has filed a lawsuit, according to Jeff Lamm, a spokesman for New Jersey's Division of Consumer Affairs, which oversees the cosmetology board. Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed — only the face, neck, abdomen, legs and arms are permitted — but because bare-it-all "Brazilians" weren't specifically banned, state regulators haven't enforced the law. "The genital area is not part of the abdomen or legs as some might assume," Lamm said. Officials with the National Cosmetology Association and National-Interstate Council of State Boards of Cosmetology said they were unaware of another state that has banned genital waxing (even Utah, which may be a first). Regular bikini waxes would still be allowed. Genital waxing can be dangerous in that the hot wax can irritate or tear delicate skin in the bikini area, resulting in infections, ingrown hairs and rashes, according to skin care experts…or novices really…because I'm not an expert & I knew that. Despite such risks, millions of American women (and some dudes) choose to have the hair down there ripped away, and a majority of salons in New Jersey offer the procedure for between $50 to $60 (well, at least you're guaranteed to get screwed at least once afterwards). The state Board of Cosmetology meets next on April 14th and will decide whether to move forward with banning the procedure, made popular in Brazil to accommodate skimpy thong bikinis. The earliest the ban could take effect would be sometime in May, Lamm said, and salons that continue to perform it could be fined (like $50 to $60?). For salon owners, discontinuing the popular service could mean a substantial drop in business, especially as summer swimsuit season nears. Spa owner Linda Orsuto, who owns 800 West Salon & Spa in Cherry Hill, estimates that most of 1,800 bikini waxes performed at her business last year were Brazilian-style. "It's huge," she said, adding that her customers don't think their bikini lines are anyone's business but their own. "It's just not right." She said many customers would likely travel across state lines to get it and some might even try to wax themselves. God forbid. Please just be careful out there when/if you handle your business down there. Personally, I don't care about your hair down there. Of course I'm a big fan of smooth, shaved legs & thighs…but honestly, I don't care if it looks like Foxxy Brown down there, just let the afro tickle a bit. I say do whatever makes you feel comfortable, ladies. We'll still Love ya…whenever possible.

My Kind of Protest - Speaking of eye candy, an Italian pornographic actress stripped down to her panties at the Milan stock exchange on Tuesday to protest against the financial crisis, police said. 22-year old Laura Perego climbed onto a table inside the bourse entrance clad only in her panties and with the Italian flag painted on her body. "Italy is down to its underpants," the Sicilian-born actress shouted before being taken away by police. She was charged with obscene acts. "I want to send a message to all those who have so badly managed people's savings," Perego told the Ansa news agency. She added she had other public exhibitions in mind "always improvised and unexpected," Ansa said. Now I…must not understand what her message was. Was it something like "Hey, thanks for making life savings disappear. Here's some free hot Italian boobage"? Or was it "Since you screwed over my 401k, I can't even afford a bra to secure these full ample breasts and protect them from the midday breeze. See? For shame"? One thing's for sure, she had an attention-grabbing presentation…and a first impression that'll engage the audience. Unfortunately her time was cut short…because I'm curious what the final thesis was going to be. Always end the presentation off with a bang. I think we should have more protesting with full frontal nudity. Especially in the summer months. Just be sure to wear sunscreen. If you need help applying it, you know how to get a hold of me.

Lingerie Football League - Okay, so remember last week when I just found out about the United Football League…and it sounds like it's going to be pretty cool….maybe, eventually since it only has four teams playing four games a year right now? Well, I may have just stumbled upon something even better. As you can probably tell from the title, it's the Lingerie Football League. I know, it sounds completely made up, right? Well, it's no longer a dream…but rather a fantasy come true. How did I find out about this? Gentlemen's Quarterly? Lecherous Stalker Weekly? Nope, from CBS 4 News online here in Denver. Why? Because the local team, the Denver Dream had tryouts last week. Here are some pictures…with some pretty good talent.

Now, here's the deal. It's ten teams across the nation (New England Euphoria, Chicago Bliss, Miami Caliente, Atlanta Steam, Tampa Breeze, Dallas Desire, San Diego Seduction, Seattle Mist, Los Angeles Temptation and the Denver Dream) and they play eight games a year from September to January. The rules are essentially the same, just a smaller 50-yard field and so it's seven players to a side. I couldn't find anything on the web about pads being used…or if it's really lingerie they'll be wearing (which could get really interesting with gang tackles and "wardrobe malfunctions") but I believe it's going to be similar to the picture to the left...so basically it sounds like it's going to be a halftime show…all game long. Ticket prices apparently run $15 to $100 and games will be played at (tehehe) Dick's Sporting Goods Park here in Denver. I'm not making that up. You can see the Dream at Dick's. Anyway, I'll keep you posted when they announce the final roster…but apparently this is the next step of the annual Lingerie Bowl which starred the likes of Playmates and Willa Ford in the past…so it could be very interesting. I just saw that front row center tickets for the first game are available for (tehehe) $69…but I can get several hours at a gentlemen's club with a few lap dances for that price. However, if they would like me to help with their marketing and update my legions of loyal blog readers on their team, perhaps they'd like to offer me some complimentary tickets…and maybe some behind the scenes interviews…or phone numbers…you know, whatever would help promote their brand. Anyway, something to keep in mind, Dream management.

What a day! First day of Spring, March Madness basketball is alive & well, sweet sweet bacon, bad-ass movies, bowling, Brazilians, boobalicious protesting, beauties playing football in their delicates, yeah today is a great day. This weekend should be fun…but I'm not exactly sure how. I'm sure that I'll find a way though. I typically do. Have a great day everybody!!! Let me know if you want to be part of The Bacon Experience!!!