Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I Don't Believe In Peter Pan, Frankenstein or Superman

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night was okay. I went to the gym and had a great workout. Quick question though ladies, have you ever been in a Spinning class…and you do the different phases were you sit down, stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down…and accidentally sit on a testicle? No? Really? Oh yeah, I guess that probably doesn't happen much for you. Well, it did for me…but being the trooper that I am, I kept on peddling…but was a little more selective and careful with my standing up and sitting down. There's only one thing that gets blood pumping from your head to your lower body quicker than a swollen testicle…and she wasn't there. I'll tell you who was there though…no, not New Orleans girl…but another attractive blonde who showed up a few minutes into class. Now ladies, just be aware, that if you walk into a situation where literally EVERY bicycle is open…and of all of them, you decide to sit on the one directly in front of the tall, good-looking gentleman who was purposely kind of sitting out of the way…then you are basically giving him permission to stare at your derriere throughout the workout…and he thanks you for the extra motivation…especially with the aforementioned injury. At least now I know why they were those biker shorts…and last time I did a spinning class, my legs were incredibly sore for three days…but this time, I was good to go right away. Even went to do some weights and shoot a few hoops afterwards. What a difference a few months can make. Tonight's Hot Yoga or Cardio Chisel. Decisions, decisions.

Today is also the birthdays of an eclectic group of celebrities…from Brandon "Bug" Hall (24) who played Alfalfa on "The Little Rascals" movie to Australian hottie singer Natalie Imbruglia (34) to another superhottie Gabrielle Anwar (39) to rocker/golfer Alice Cooper (61) to legendary filmmaker George A. Romero (69) to legendary sitter Rosa Parks (97) to legendary flying man Charles Lindbergh (107) to legendary dumbass Dan Quayle (62) to legendary athletes like Lawrence Taylor (50) and to a lesser extent Oscar de la Hoya (36). Happy birthday y'all. Now here's the news...

When Keepin' It Real Goes Wrong - Guys (and badass girls) what would you do if you saw somebody trying to pry a purse from somebody? You're driving along with your buddies, you hear a woman scream, glance over…and see some guy hanging onto the purse, probably getting slapped and yelled at and trying to rip a Gucci purse away from some girl fresh from the club and about three appletinis and five shots of Patron down at this time? You would hop out of the car and beat their ass, right? Well, sometimes there's a back-story. Police said a cab driver who tried to take a purse from a woman fare beater was beaten by a group who thought they were seeing a robbery. Police said it happened Saturday morning near the Staten Island Ferry Terminal when four woman, who had been club-hopping, got into a fight with the cab driver over the fare. Police say the women left the taxi without paying and the cab driver gave chase, grabbing one of the women's purses. That's when a group of men in a passing car thought they were witnessing a mugging and jumped on the cab driver, beating him and then fleeing the scene (probably a few drinks in their systems too…but hopefully they at least got a few phone numbers). The cab driver was treated for cuts on his face. The women were later picked up by police as they exited the Staten Island Ferry and issued summonses for Fare Beating (rim shot). I kid you not, that was the charge. Anyway, that's an example of when keepin' it real…goes wrong. Now for the next one…

Take Two - What would you do if you were walking into your apartment building…and you saw a middle-aged man in a wheelchair grabbing a purse and making a roll for it? Would you beat his ass? Or possibly a more painful part of the anatomy given the circumstances? Would you wait to see if they made it past the stairs first…and then it can become a high speed chase of some sort? Well, police in Columbus, Georgia arrested a man in a wheelchair after he allegedly stole a woman's purse early Saturday and then spit in an officer's face. Police said a 51-year-old man approached a 49-year-old woman who was reclining on a couch in the lobby of their apartment building with her brown purse beside her. Police said the man took the purse and tried to get away but the woman yelled at him to return the purse and it was recovered. The man got into an elevator and went to his room but was arrested for robbery a short time later. Two officers took the man to a medical center for treatment ("I don't know how to tell you this, Mr. Jones…but I'm afraid…you'll never walk again." "No sh*t, Sherlock. This isn't another cop beatdown. This was a horse riding accident twenty years ago." "Oh…well then, I guess you're…free to go. I'll ugh…just hold on to these brochures then."). Police said the man then insulted the weight of one officer ("225? Mother lover, I'll have you know I'm down to 218!!!") and then cursed and spit in his face. The man was charged with obstruction of an officer and was released from the Muscogee County Jail later that day. A lot of purse snatching stories in the news. I didn’t think that was still a problem…what with mace, tasers, traveling in packs, GPS, credit card debt, everybody being broke anyway and the advancement of virtual identity theft. I don't know, I thought it went the way of robbing trains…and selling actual snake oil…and nautical piracy outside of the Indian Ocean. Okay ladies, that's it. On top of my services as a "Big Brother" whenever you need them, you're all also getting mace for your birthday…but it'll be mace in a pretty container, so that it matches your purse and/or outfit. Just please…don't mistake it for hair spray or something.

Meet the Stabbies - Police in Maryland said a man and his parents assaulted and tried to stab officers when they responded to a report of the family arguing. Police said a 20-year-old son and his parents were arguing in a car around 11 AM Sunday. When officers approached the car, police said the son assaulted the officers. After police arrested him and two more officers arrived, police said the father pulled out a butcher knife and tried to stab an officer. Police drew their weapons and the father laid the knife down…but then police said the mother tried to grab the knife before assaulting the fourth officer. The son and mother were charged with assault while the father was charged with attempted murder and assault. I'm actually curious as to what they were arguing about in the car. "I called shotgun." "Nuh-uh, I did last night." "You can't call shotgun in advance." "Yes-huh! Mother said so." "Ma, you can't do that." "I can too. As the only person in this family without a current DUI on my record, I get to make the rules as I see fit…and your father gave me a foot massage last night…so he gets shotgun. You get to sit on the milk crate in the back." "That's not fair!!! Wait, what're the cops doing here?" At least it's good to know that they had each other's back. The moral of this story - The family that stabs together, stays together…either in jail or under house arrest.

Mysteries of the Belly Button - Many mammals have virtually no noticeable belly button. We humans, however, are left with an umbilical scar that is not only obvious but which varies dramatically. Some are seen as beautiful. Others are deemed ugly. Some are enjoyable to watch as the sway side to side and back and forth in a sexual manner. Others are used as mock mouths while whistling Dixie with belly flap lips. Aki Sinkkonen at the University of Helsinki in Finland thinks the belly button, aka the umbilicus, serves a greater purpose than mere cosmetics: It may be an indicator of mating potential in fertile women. "I propose that umbilicus, together with the surrounding skin area, is an honest signal of individual vigor. More precisely, I suggest that the symmetry, shape, and position of umbilicus can be used to estimate the reproductive potential of fertile females, including risks of certain genetically and maternally inherited fetal anomalies."

Innie vs. outie - During pregnancy, the umbilical cord supplies a baby with nutrients and oxygen from the mother. After birth, it's clamped and snipped, leaving a short stump that eventually falls off. It's not known exactly why belly buttons end up in so many different configurations. What is clear though, is that (apparently) people have preferences. In reviewing other studies, Sinkkonen found we prefer belly buttons that are t-shaped or oval and vertical, with a little hooding, and which don't protrude. In short, we dislike outies and don't favor the cavernous variety either (the what?). Sinkkonen reviewed other studies of the umbilicus and essentially connected some dots. He notes that the umbilical cord is critical during pregnancy, and suggests that many problems can be reflected in scar tissue, which is essentially what's left behind as a belly button. "I suggest that umbilicus is a fitness signal. I may be wrong. However, many mammals do not have a visible umbilicus. We have, but it does not have an obvious function, except signaling." This novel navel notion has a serious aspect. "If further research confirms the signaling hypothesis, female umbilici may be routinely measured to detect risk pregnancies of several fetal abnormalities," Sinkkonen wrote in the journal. And for anyone who worries their love life might be doomed by an imperfect belly button? Sikkonen said, "Don't worry. Nobody's perfect except Angelina Jolie (that's another doctor saying it, y'all). Seriously, I know wonderful women who believe that their umbilicus/belly button is ugly (again, I blame the media). Nobody should pay too much attention on the details of his/her body." So does anybody else have an opinion on belly buttons? To me, they're just another wonderful landmark on the topography of a magnificent treasure map…except on dudes. Those are…basically just there as a place to collect lint. I'm sure that Angelina would agree with me, even with Brad Pitt's belly button. "Yeah, it's perfect of course…but it's just a f**king belly button. You can't even fire olives out of it like on Hot Shots. Believe me, I've tried." Me too, Angelina. Me too. Still working on the grilling bacon thing too. Just can't seem to get it quite crispy enough for my tasty…but then again, I like it charred. So yeah, belly buttons…or Umbilicus, Greek Goddess of Oranges. Opinions? Anybody? Have I rambled on long enough?

Well, I'd better stop ranting for the day. Don't wanna pull a muscle or anything. Three more days until I'll be chillin' with JL Clyde here in the Mile High City. Should be a fun weekend. Hopefully the weather holds up. Did I mention that it's like 65 degrees outside? In early February? Awesome. Too bad I'm stuck indoors…but don't worry, it'll probably be back down to 40 or so by the weekend. It's all good though. I've got a coat. Oh...and tomorrow night's going to be another Movie Night with Boss Lady K. We're going to watch the silly comedy of "Step Brothers" and the sexy violence of Angelina in "Wanted". This Boss Lady likes silly & violent movies. It's probably a good thing she's married. I'll see if she enjoys kung fu movies one of these days. Have a great day everybody!!!


Pirate Monkey said...

I heart that you quoted Queen in your blog title!

$teve said...

I heart that you recognize it. Seriously, P-Monkey, we may be soul mates of some sort. :) You seem to be the only one that gets my obscure song & movie references.

P.S. You did get the Jennie Parker / Back to the Future one a few days ago, right? I was particularly proud of that one. :)

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