Le Krewe de Love

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, tomorrow I'll be in New Orleans…so you won't be hearing from me for a few days. I know, I know. It sucks…but you'll survive…and if not, then just gimme a call. No matter how loud the parade is, how drunk I am, or how many breasts are flaunted in my face, I'll do my best to answer the call…but please keep in mind…that it'll be really loud…and I'll probably be really drunk…and I anticipate a LOT of breasts being flaunted in my face. There should be some great pictures (and video?) so dry your eyes, it'll be worth it.

Yesterday, President Barack Obama stopped by to say howdy…yes, specifically to me…because I am American people. He even went to my favorite attraction in this city, the Museum of Nature & Science (because they have dinosaurs) and signed the Economic Stimulus Bill of (big gulp) $787 BILLION in delegated financial aid. Oddly enough, the alleged reason that the President chose the Museum as the site wasn't because of the dinosaurs (again, allegedly) or even the fact that his good buddy and advisor Dr Mookie Love could see him from his 34th floor apartment window not quite two miles away…or even that Denver was the site of the DNC shortly before his advisor Dr Love moved out here…but rather because the roof of the Museum has a solar energy paneled roof…and this package is suppose to stimulate the economy as well as "green energy" related programs. I'm still pretty convinced that it's the dinosaurs though…but that's not the point. The point is…that the check has been signed…and if you want to (allegedly) follow where the money's going, you can check out the website (http://www.blogger.com/www.recovery.gov) and see who gets it. Who knows? Through trickle-down economics, it may be you…in a few years. Today, he's in Phoenix for the unveiling of a program to help millions of homeowners fend off foreclosures. Desert cities like Phoenix & Vegas have been hit hardest by this…but there was something mentioned in the stimulus package that get this blogger a little excited.

Monorail! Monorail! MONORAIL!!! - Okay, so in this (sigh) $787 BILLION bill, there's mention of $400 tax breaks per person, bailing out the auto industry & Wall Street (after first mocking them incessantly) and so on…but there's also a part that includes $8 BILLION for high-speed rail projects (you know, like on the first Mission: Impossible movie). Cool, right? It gets better. What if I were to tell you…that the top proposed project in this endeavor…was a 311 MPH train whose track ran from the Happiest Place on Earth…all the way to Disneyland? What? No, they're not one and the same. I'm talking about the Happiest Place on Earth a.k.a. Sin City a.k.a. Las Vegas, Nevada…to Disneyland in Anaheim, California…in less than two hours…through the Sierra Nevadas. Can you tell how excited I am? Sure, there's a part of me that thinks about a salesman voiced by Phil Hartman coming into Springfield and breaking into song mid-sales pitch…but there's another part of me that thinks "Hmm, I could have breakfast in Redondo Beach, spend the day at Disneyland with the family, take a nap on the bullet train and wake up to a lap dance at Sapphire…all in one day…and ugh, helping the environment too…cuz that's important to me too." Anyway, more to come as things develop…but I doubt it's going to be built in a week.

Last night, I also watched a great movie that I wanted to see for over a year now since the Mad Scientist told me about it. It's the movie "Choke" based on the book by Chuck Palahniuk that I actually read. I know, right? Originally, I was going to watch this movie when it came out in theatres...but because Utah's a prudish state...and this is the story involving sex addiction, Jesus, kidnapping, choking, scams, strippers, and foul language...it was played on one theatre, one showing, opening night, in Logan (about two hours from where I live) and then was never seen again. Well, thanks Netflix for making this possible. It's actually a pretty good movie almost directly adapted from the book (except for a few things and a different ending...but still pretty good). Sam Rockwell plays Victor Mancini, a medical school drop-out sex addict who scams people into sending him money by choking on food in restaurants, letting people save him, they give him money...and he passes it along to a nursing home that takes care of his sick & crazy mother (Angelica Huston). Along the way, he meets a lovely doctor Paige (Kelly Macdonald) and the story goes from there. Just check it out.

Wanna Be In Pictures? - Have you ever wanted to be a big time Hollywood producer? Accept awards for your films? Make big decisions when times are tough? Wheel & deal with other big shots? Hire & fire on a whim? Yell into cellular phones while cruising the PCH and snorting coke off a hooker's ass? Destroy all who question you and your omnipotent power over them? Me too. Now, here's your chance…sort of. Widely derided German director Uwe Boll (who has brought you such ridiculous crap as "Bloodrayne", "Alone in the Dark" and a bunch of other video game adaptations that sucked) has found a new way to finance his upcoming films - online punters. For around $49, you can be a 'co-producer' on Boll's terrorist disaster tale "Blackout". Boll hopes to raise $18.5 million through the film's Web site TheBlackoutFilm.com. Those who sign up and transfer the money are promised a limited-edition DVD of the film (normally $3 in your local bargain bin three months after nationwide theatrical release) plus a chance to win a trip to the set and other prizes. The site will be open till March 31st. If the planned budget is not reached by then, but at least 43% of the desired cash has been collected, Boll may elect to make the movie with a smaller budget. If not, he says he will return most of the cash to investors with at least $40 from each payment being returned should the film not get made (processing fees). Boll is currently shooting the apocalyptic thriller "The Storm" starring Lauren Holly ("Dumb & Dumber" & "Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story") and Luke Perry ("90210", "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "8 Seconds"). It's a bold new move from Uwe Boll…who is widely regarded as a running joke in Hollywood because…well, his movies are just pretty damn terrible. Okay, I liked "In the Name of the King" last year…but other than that, the only reason to watch the movies is just to see Kristanna Loken naked in one of the most awkward sex scenes ever or just seeing how hard up for money great actors like Sir Ben Kingsley are in today's film industry. I do like to see Udo Kier & Billy Zane in movies still though. Anyway, he's basically the Ed Wood of our generation…so there's that appeal…but if you ever want to have your name in the end credits of a movie, this is probably the easiest way to do it. Who knows? Maybe if I win that trip to the set (wherever that may be…maybe Prague…but more than likely Culver City) then I'll get to meet Kristanna Loken…and I can share my dream about the Terminator taking my Johnson…and she'll fall madly in Lust with me. It could happen. Don't judge me.

Sci-Fi Babes - Okay, so since I'm talking about a Terminator, apparently there's this website called MSN Movies that has listed the Top Sci-Fi Movie Babes of All Time…and Megan Fox was voted Number One (I told you she was going to be HUGE) but this is amid some controversy. Sure, she's hot. There is no doubt. In fact, she's so hot, I'm starting to question whether she may be a robot too…but she's only been in one big movie…and we're talking about all time here. Anyway, here's the top five from the poll…followed by my write-in votes for #6-10. I'm always up to suggestions though…so let me know what you think & if you have any that I might have missed..

1. Megan Fox (Transformers) - 33% - Again, can't argue really on hotness…but yeah...


2. Halle Berry (X-Men) - 26% - Academy Award winning Bond girl, so why do I keep thinking about Swordfish?


3. Milla Jovovich (Fifth Element) - 17% - Now, you KNOW my baby's mama would be higher on MY list. The Perfect Being…and she was in a zombie trilogy.


4. Natalie Portman (Star Wars) - 8% - Apparently she & Carrie Fisher tied…but all I have to say is, where's O'Hura?


5. Sigourney Weaver (Alien Quadrilogy) - 8% - "Get away from her you BITCH!!!"


6. Natasha Henstridge (Species) - Even starred on an episode of South Park as "the chick from Species" and everybody knew who they were talking about.


7. Cast of Battlestar Galactica TV Series - Have you SEEN this show? I think like four of Maxim's Top 100 Hottest Hotties star in this series…and Lucy Lawless (Xena: Warrior Princess) and even Mary McDonnell (Independence Day & Dances with Wolves). Still doesn’t make up for the fact that one of Edward James Olmos' parents may have been an orange.


8. Kristanna Loken (Terminator 3) - Linda Hamilton is a handsome woman…but she just doesn't really do it for me. This sexbot beat out Sean Young in Blade Runner by this much.


9. Jane Fonda (Barbarella) - "Is that a Sci-fi movie?" "What else would it be?"


10. The chick with three boobs (Total Recall) - "You do know the middle one was paper mache, right?" "Oh gee, can I change my answer? Of course I know it's fake, I don't care." Anyway, write-in votes are accepted.
    

By the way, in my absence, feel free to check out the Angry Alien website for one of my favorite pointless internet hilarities, two-hour Hollywood stories shortened to thirty seconds…and performed by bunnies. They're quite hilarious…and I have to say that my personal favorite would be "Fight Club" though there are about a dozen that I've seen multiple times like "Rocky" and "Reservoir Dogs." Enjoy. Have a great weekend everybody!!!