- Return a 77-pound bag of feces, preferably reptilian
- Give him a degree - It's just a piece of paper anyway
- Have Hugh Grant apologize on behalf of the university - It always seems to work in the movies. Hugh Grant comes in, gives some kind of snide half-ass apology in a charming British accent, boom he's bangin' Liz Hurley.
- Knight him - All is forgiven with a prefix like Sir Daniel Bennett
- Make him international ambassador to the Philippines - He can do research in the field, expenses paid…and again, all is forgiven with a prefix like Ambassador Daniel Bennett.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Happy Voorhees Day!!!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Well, it's Friday the 13th…and fittingly enough, tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day and/or Single Awareness Day, depending on your situation I guess. So as the superstitions go, stay away from black cats, ladders, poorly constructed mirrors, salt shakers…and make sure to have your lucky socks, rabbits feet, horseshoes, four-leaved clovers, red balloons, blue moons and whatever else handy just in case you need them…because everybody should have a fun weekend this time of year. As mentioned before, historically this week has sucked for me…but I've got high hopes this year. Why? A combination of delusion and optimism, like every other day. I also got to do a great deed today…for somebody who just returned from Iraq after 15 months…and that just made my week. A humungous THANK YOU to all our troops out there protecting us…and all the families out there praying for their safe return. We miss you guys & gals!!! Besides, though I may not have a sweetie here in Denver (by any stretch of the imagination), you'll be my Valentine, right? I know that one or two people out there will be…and that's all I need…and yes, it's probably my mom…but also your mom. Also, my cousin Ranae called me last night…and we got talking about hanging out…so I'm seeing if any coworkers want to go out for drinks or something tomorrow night in a kind of Single Awareness Day (SAD) celebration…but so far, most people already have plans. No biggie. I'm sure that I'll find a way to have fun anyway. Oh…and it's One Day Photo Project Day today…so keep an eye out for that at this link. Anyway, here's some news...
Clown Dogs - North Texas authorities seized 22 dogs found crammed inside a station wagon with their owner in the city of Pottsboro. The owner locked the car doors and refused to come out when a constable tried to serve her a warrant for the seizure of the dogs early Monday, said SPCA (Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) spokeswoman Maura Davies. Two puppies and 20 dogs were taken to a shelter until a judge decides who gets custody. A hearing on the custody of the animals is set for February 16th in Denison. The dogs were in the car along with a pot of water, blankets and waste (all in one pot?). "The car was soaked with urine and covered in feces. The ammonia level in the vehicle was 23 parts per million even after the doors had been opened for several minutes. As a frame of reference, humans start experiencing health issues at 12 parts per million." The owner does not face charges, Grayson County constable Michael Putman said. She was not coherent (crazy and cheesin' on dog fumes) and the SPCA said it has contacted Adult Protective Services about the woman. Pottsboro is about 70 miles north of Dallas. It's just ridiculous to have that many pets…unless they're earning their keep by making milk or eggs or bacon or something. Now cramming them all into a station wagon, that's just crazy.
More Craziness - More than 100 chickens, rabbits, rodents, iguanas and tarantulas have been removed from a two-bedroom apartment in Buffalo, New York (surprisingly, no buffalo were removed) by authorities who needed three vans to cart off the menagerie. Police officers responding to an animal mistreatment complaint at a South Buffalo apartment found the animals living in a couple's cramped apartment Monday. The animals were removed in dozens of cages and cardboard containers (chicken…after being seasoned & fried) by officers from the local chapter of the SPCA (more publicity for them). The couple living in the second-story apartment has been charged with animal cruelty. The SPCA is trying to find homes for some of the animals, while other animal rescue organizations are expected to take some. I've got a place for the chickens…and a few bottles of buffalo sauce. The rabbits…well, I can sell the furs to Boy Scouts…and maybe keep a few for myself. The rest, I say just set them free in the wilderness near Niagara Falls and let nature run its course. Oooh, what's this? Oh my, apparently I've just received a letter from the SPCA. (Mumbled reading involving the words "animal cruelty" blah blah blah "insighting further action" blah blah blah "shotty grammar" blah blah blah "sexbots and bacon" blah blah blah) Hmm, apparently they don't like my blog. Well, that's their problem…because I like animals…but apparently not as much as these crazy cats in Buffalo & Pottsboro…and I wouldn't be surprised to see a PETA or SPCA sticker on the bumper of that station wagon either. I'm just saying.
Even More Craziness - A British university has apologized to a Ph.D. student for throwing away his treasured, seven-year collection of lizard dung. Daniel Bennett has told Times Higher Education magazine that he had collected the dung in the Philippines while studying the rare butaan lizard, a relative of the Komodo dragon. The material was to be studied as part of his doctoral research. Bennett said the 77-pound bag was thrown away by cleaners at his lab at Leeds University in northern England. He says the dung represented seven years' worth of field work, and its loss "left me reeling." The university said Friday it had apologized. Bennett says he rejected the university's compensation offer of 500 pounds ($750) and will "see them in court." Well, short of spending the next seven years gathering butaan lizard crap for him, here are some other possible resolutions that may work out…or perhaps a combination of these suggestions.
Though it may not help with his research, it very well may be his own fault for not properly labeling his bags of poo (in English and Spanish?) but it's a good start. As far as compensation, it's going to be hard for the university to pay him back for seven years of research on lizard dung…but I'm guessing that when it's all said and done, it'll be like a year's worth of tuition, which is still better than 500 British pounds. I mean…that's less than seven pounds per pound. Even Wal-Mart has more expensive crap than that.
Yet Even More Craziness - A hard-line Hindu organization, known for its opposition to "corrupting" Western food imports, is planning to launch a new soft drink made from cow's urine, often seen as sacred in parts of India. The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), or National Volunteer Corps, said the bovine beverage is undergoing laboratory tests for the next 2 to 3 months but did not give a specific date for its commercial release. The flavor is not yet known (I'll give you a hint, guys) but the RSS said the liquid produced by Hinduism's revered holy cows is being mixed with products such as aloe vera and gooseberry to fight diseases such as diabetes and cancer (how about dysentery?). Many Hindus consider cow urine to have medicinal properties and it is often drunk in religious festivals (I think I'd prefer "the Blood of Christ" to "the Tinkle of Beef"). The organization, which aims to transform India's secular society and establish the supremacy of a Hindu majority, said it had not decided on a name (Mellow Yellow?) or a price for the drink. "Cow urine offers a cure for around 70 to 80 incurable diseases like diabetes. All are curable by cow urine," according to Om Prakash, local crazy person and head of the RSS Cow Protection Department. Prakash, who is based in Hardwar, one of four holy Hindu cities on the river Ganges where the world's largest religious gathering takes place, said the product will be sold nationwide but did not rule out international success. "It is useful for the whole country and the world as well. It will be done through shops and through corporates," he said. The Hindu group has campaigned against foreign imports such as Pepsi and Coca Cola in the past, which it sees as a corrupting influence and a tool of Western imperialism. The RSS was temporarily banned after a Hindu mob tore down a mosque in 1992 which lead to bloody religious riots (a little-known actual scrimmage during the latter days of the Cola Wars). The Shiv Sena, a hard-line Hindu political party also known for attacking what it sees as threats to Indian culture such as Valentine's Day, started a similar initiative last year to appeal to its powerbase in Mumbai. To promote the food of the native Marathi culture, the Shiv Sena said it was "making a chain like McDonalds" to sell a popular local fried snack (bull testicles?). I ugh…wow. I think that I would…actually prefer Diet Mountain Dew to actual cow urine, though I assume the taste would be similar. Best of luck with your aloe vera flavored cow piss that cures cancer. I wonder if there have been any studies one that. What if that were the cure? All this time we were trying radiation and various treatments…and the whole time it was cow piss or horse gizz or something like that? We would look quite silly.
Rum Diary Update - Okay, so remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned Johnny Depp doing another Hunter S. Thompson novel adaptation called "Rum Diary"? Well, now Aaron Eckhart ("The Dark Knight" & "Thank You For Smoking") is in negotiations and Richard Jenkins (the dad on "Step Brothers") is signed on to join Johnny Depp according to the Hollywood Reporter. The story follows a washed-up, hard-drinking journalist named Paul Kemp (Depp) in 1950s Puerto Rico. Eckhart would play Sanderson, a wealthy landowner who believes everything has a price and introduces Kemp to a different standard of living. The pair are soon caught up in a love triangle with a beautiful young woman (Amber Heard from "Pineapple Express"). Jenkins is playing Lotterman, the man who oversees the rundown newspaper where Kemp works. Bruce Robinson adapted and is directing. Depp, Christi Dembrowski and Graham King are producing, Filming begins March 30th in Puerto Rico. Shaping up to be a pretty interesting film. Maybe I should read the book in the meantime…but then that'd require me reading…and I still have my "Dirty, Filthy Jokes" book to finish. If only there was something else sooner that I could look forward to…maybe something…more violent…
Ong Bak 2 Update - Okay, so…you may remember that I'm a huge fan of martial arts movies…and that the best martial artist actor alive today is a Thai fighter named Tony Jaa. Well, it's been a few years since one of his movies has come out…and if you haven't seen "Ong Bak: Thai Warrior" or "The Protector" then get thee to a rental store and check them out. However, now the Wagner/Cuban Companies' Magnolia Pictures announced today that it has acquired U.S. rights to the Thai martial arts epic Ong Bak 2. The highly anticipated sequel directed by star Tony Jaa, and allegedly delivers even more impressive martial arts wizardry that its predecessor (I can only imagine). The film was originally released in Thailand in December of 2008, and will be released theatrically by Magnet (Magnolia's genre label) later this year. "When we first saw the original 'Ong Bak,' after picking our jaws off the floor, we knew we wanted to be in the Tony Jaa business. It put us on the map as a home for the best in genre fare, and helped make our genre label Magnet possible," said Magnolia President Eamonn Bowles. "We're beyond thrilled to be able to carry the franchise forward and continue our relationship with Tony, Sahamongkol, and the entire creative team involved. We are exceptionally happy with the deal with Magnolia," said Gilbert Lim, Executive Vice President of Sahamongkol Film International. "They did a wonderful job with the release of the original 'Ong Bak,' and it feels great to be back in business again with 'Ong Bak 2.' I am certain that the movie is in great hands." Even better news, Ong Bak 3 is currently in production and is slated for a December 2009 opening in Thailand…apparently to create some kind of Star Wars like trilogy…but only better…because instead of the Force…and turning Darth Vader into a whiny baby Annie…it's Muay Thai. I'm waiting for the instructor in my yoga class to say something like "Kra-dod Chok, Kao Loi" so then I can throw out a Cobra Punch, Flying Knee Strike combo while everybody else is looking around wondering what the hell she's saying. Oh, how the tables have turned now. Anybody else a martial arts fan out there? Holla!!!
Well, that'll do it for today. After work I'm going to wander about town and see if I can get some cool pictures or something. Then again, I may have done enough with my last entry to make up for it I think. Also, I'm officially going to LA and San Diego that first week of April. The plane ticket has been bought, the hotels reserved, and soon the bags will be packed (though that'll be for Mardi Gras in New Orleans in less than a week). So Lilie, I hope that you're ready to hang out that first weekend. I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!! And hopefully California Adventure, Knott's Berry Farm, Seaworld, Orange County and whatever else I can find to do during that week. It should be fun. Have a wonderful Valentine's Weekend everybody!!!