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Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, as mentioned yesterday, I am back from New Orleans safe & sound…and quite exhausted. I'm loading pictures as fast as I can…but it's a timely process. Especially with all the cool stuff that I got to see and experience. Had yet another bill collector call for a utility bill from my hellhole apartment (formerly known as the Cooliseum) that I cancelled back in October. I'm pretty damn sure that I didn't dream calling all of these places up individually and cancelling my service back in mid-October…but apparently I may have. I'm also pretty sure that if I did, I would have been receiving a lap dance from some mysterious woman, who may or may not have been a cyborg while cancelling these services…which I assume you that I don't recall at all…and I'm pretty sure that I would remember something like that. Anyway, it has been taken care of…and I'm going to call any place that I've ever had any kind of a bill concerning that f**king place and make sure that I'm not paying for two apartments when I can damn well barely afford the one that I'm currently in. Apparently whoever got that apartment after me got a free winter's heating bill…and I didn't even get a thank you. Oh well, hopefully it kept them warm for a few months. The gas company can stay warm too…as they burn in Hell for all I care. Still in a great mood though. I've just been catching up at work. They decided to give me new responsibilities while I was gone…so that's fun. It's not as cool as when they decided to give me a raise when I was in New Orleans last time…but it's something I should keep in mind.

Well, today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent ending in Easter. Traditionally, I understand that you're supposed to swear off something for that forty day interval…and then usually gorge yourself on deviled eggs and chocolate bunnies when it's over. At least that's how I understand it. Now I’m trying to think of things that I can swear off to join in this tradition…and I could say something like sex…but honestly, it would only be in hopes of some kind of reverse psychology…and then when the opportunity arose over a drunken encounter on St. Patty's Day, I would blow it. (That's what she said) Why not alcohol? St. Patty's Day is in between…and that's not much of a stretch for me either. I've never smoked…and don't plan to start. Maybe I should start for 40 days. Nah, that's dumb…but I'm thinking outside of the box. (That's what she said?) Why not fast food? I would probably starve…and I'd get caught up on the whole definition of fast food and that would just get bothersome. Go to the gym for 40 days? I'd definitely try…but I'm going to Cali during that time. The only thing that I can think of…that might work out…and actually be a very bold thing for me…is to swear off carbonated beverages until Easter. Drinking only water, juice, blood and soy sauce or something like that. Yeah, I think that'll do it. From now…until Zombie Jesus Day, I'm going to be soda free…and try my best to make it to the gym everyday. Geez, it's been a few weeks since I went consistently. Damn you Filly…and Mardi Gras...and JL Clyde…and other funny excuse…and my own laziness and pulling a muscle. Oh well, NO SODA FOR FORTY DAYS…AND FORTY NIGHTS!!! So let it be written…so let it be done…

The Governator is Expendable - Former action star turned California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (try to tell me you've never heard of him) will have a cameo in the upcoming Sylvester Stallone flick "The Expendables" already starring half of kick-ass Hollywood…like Jet Li, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke and Dolph Lundgren. His cameo will be a stretch…because he'll be playing…himself. Maybe he gets a handshake and a photo-op before the end credits roll or something. In other casting news for this…what I can only assume is going to be an epic masterpiece of coolness…is that Sir Ben Kingsley has apparently backed out of the movie (if he sites problems with the script, I'm going to remind everybody about Bloodrayne) and his role as a corrupt CIA agent has now been cast as Eric Roberts (who I just found out last night in the Season 3 Finale of the L Word…is Shane's deadbeat dad. I think I'm about four years behind on that show…but I'm catching up.). Apparently, Machete a.k.a. Danny Trejo has landed a role as well. Could he be the ruthless South American dictator? Or perhaps the #2 to the dictator (still think Antonio Benderas will eventually take that part)? Who knows? I'm already excited to see it. Allegedly they start filming next month…so keep your eyes open.

Other than that, I have no idea what's going on outside of my own world this past week. I know my brother's going through a divorce…so he's…cheerful. My mom wants to go to New Orleans now…so she may be joining me next time. My dad's been hanging out with an old friend that…well, they really hadn't hung out since I was a little kid…so that's cool. Bubbles is sick, so I hope she's feeling better today. I'm sure that Filly's glad that Mardi Gras is over…and with only a few known casualties this year. So with that in mind, maybe I'll just do one of these questionnaire things that the Mad Scientist just sent me. I'm pretty sure that I've done this one before…but I'm bored and can't do any more work really…and can't load pictures…so here you go. Have a great day everybody!!! Pictures are on the way…

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Steve McQueen - The King of Cool (apparently it was also my dad's Christening name…but I have no idea what that means)

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
During a very special episode of the L Word last night. Yes, a show about lesbians brought a tear to my eye…like sweet cherry pie...

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I like that nobody else can read it. It gives me an excuse to type emails instead of write letters.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Breast…and it really doesn't matter the bird

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Not that I'm aware of. I did have a part-time job as a donor though for a few months…but I guess I'll find out in a few years if that were the case. Man, that would be an awkward conversation. "Hi, I'm $teve. We…talked on the phone." "Oh wow, YOU are my biological father. That makes sense. My mom's only 5'5" and I'm already 5'10" at thirteen years old." "Yup, just like your…ugh, me. Hmm. So ugh…do you play basketball?" "Yeah." "Do you already hate that everybody asks you that?" "Hehe, yeah." "Here's what you do, you just ask them if they play miniature golf." "Haha, that's funny, mister." "Yeah, my smart ass gets me through the day." "(Gasp) You said ass!!!" "Oh sorry, I ugh…forgot you were a kid." "It's okay. Mommy swears once in a while too." "You don't swear though, do ya?" "Well, once in a while…but not much." "That's good. Just be respectful and you'll be respected." "Okay." Awkward silence. "So ugh…hmm. Is ugh…is your mom hot?"

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
If I were a single mother, absolutely. I don't know what it is…but they really seem to dig me. Sorry, the ugh…wording of the question was a little confusing. Anybody that knows better would be friends with me…and not just because I'm so humble.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Use is such a strong word...

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Ain't no fancy doctor gonna take MY tonsils. Everybody knows that where magic comes from.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Absolutely. In fact, I need to set that up. Hey Mad Scientist, do you wanna go bungee jumping?

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Honey Nut Cheerios

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Of course. They're shoes, not slippers…and it's not like I can get them a few sizes too big. It's already hard enough finding size 14's

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Oddly enough, this question came up at a meeting today…and I went with gelato. Specifically, rice gelato that I had in Florence when I went there a decade ago…and oddly enough, a coworker said the exact same thing…and we were instantly best buds…and have been trying to find where we can get rice gelato…to no avail. By the way, what happened to #12?

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Eyes and hopefully a smile. If I can't find a smile though, I'll usually try to get one out of them.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
Blue…and according to one of Filly's friends the other night, it's because I've been conditioned that way since I was a baby boy…and that's why most boys say blue…and most girls say pink…this is according to her…because originally, I was going to say green (GO EAGLES!!!) but I was wearing blue beads at the time…and her eyes were blue. So therefore, I wasn't conditioned as a child, I was brainwashed by a southern belle. There's a distinct difference.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I'm pretty f**king awesome in my own humble opinion. I don't know. What's your least favorite thing about me? Maybe that's a more provocative question.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
I miss lots of people from Utah…and friends & family scattered all over the place. As far as most, it's hard to think of one specifically…but you're all missed. Just so you're aware. Don’t get all misty eyed on me though. You're gonna come visit…or I'll visit there & you'll think of some reason to ditch me. You know what? On second thought, God damn the whole lot of you. (Big thanks to the Mad Scientist for making that an acceptable ending salutation on workplace emails…)

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
If they want to, sure, why not? I'd read it. I find people interesting. Especially when they ramble about answers. I like to know stuff like WHY cookie dough is your favorite ice cream…or HOW you see yourself and why you'd be your own buddy. I think it's awesome.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Chocolate brown suit pants and matching size 14 Italian leather dress shoes…from Italian cows that say "Bellisimooooo!!!"

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Girls gossip about the Bachelor…and phones ringing. Quick question, why do all of these online questionnaires miss a lot of numbers? Does somebody delete them in the copy & forward process? Is the author just not able to count? Does somebody out there have a phobia of these numbers? I'm more intrigued by that then what I'm listening to right now. The Bachelor's basically a whore-off anyway…which is why I like to watch it when nothing better's on.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Pink…because all the girls would squeeze me, use me (to make little hearts to dot their I's or whatever) and then put me back in a drawer until they're ready for me again. It may be the closest that I ever come to being somebody's vibrator.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Scent of a Woman - Girly sweat with a dash of perfume. I don't have a great sense of smell at all…but when combined with the taste from kissing a girl's neckline, that smell definitely beats out rain or lavender or anything else like that.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Your mom. She's totally bummed that I moved to Denver.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Pole Dancing. It's a sport in my world. Incredible athletes…and it's definitely a spectator sport…with plenty of beer, nachos and dolla dolla bills y'all. Besides, most dancers would remember to put in a question #25.

27. HAIR COLOR?
I'm gonna go with…Sepia or maybe…Raw Umber

28. EYE COLOR?
Cerulean…because it sounds cooler than blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Can't stand those things. That's why I had Lasik surgery.

30. FAVORITE FOODS?
Soul Food…which is one reason I like New Orleans so much. It's one of those places where you can get decent fried catfish…at your local gas station.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
There's a reason that I've never asked a masseuse for a Scary Movie. I'm not sure what it's a metaphor for…but it's gonna be really difficult to top a Happy Ending.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Choke - It's amazing. Rent it.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Mocha dress shirt to go with the suit…and chocolate suit jacket. I'm a sexy corporate teddy bear.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
If I had to pick one, I'd say summer…but only because people drive like sh*t in the winter. I think snow makes some people temporarily retarded. Where the study on that?

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
I really like to hug…but kisses have a deep meaning to me…so I reserve them for extremely special people.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Same person that responds to #36. Oh wait, no #36. What a surprise! By the way, I guess that pretty much answers #7.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
We don't negotiate with terrorists.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Well, I just finished my "Dirty Filthy Jokes" that Bubbles got me for Christmas…so any suggestions? Maybe a Hunter S Thompson or something a little crazy. I like crazy.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I'm at work, so my mouse pad is…just a mouse pad. Literally. Just a black mouse pad…with nothing on it. I may have to bring one from home. It's depressing me now. So bland. Maybe I'll bring some Mardi Gras beads and Jazz up my workspace.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
I watched a few episodes of the L Word in between talking to people and letting them know that I made it out of Mardi Gras safely…and had hella fun.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
Again, the sounds that a woman makes while tasting her…and getting close enough for me to smell her…those beat out the ocean waves or Nat King Cole or the ice cream truck or anything like that. It's not even close. Hearing my name that way definitely beats out the rain.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
I don't care about the Rolling Stones at all. Can't wait for The Beatles Rock Band game that's supposed to come out this year.

44. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Chengdu, China which is the full twelve hours time difference…so I think it's technically as far as I can get from home and still be on planet Earth. I'll have to wait until 2034, when I can take a teleporter to the moon.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Ask your mother...

46 WHERE WERE U BORN?
Ask my mother...

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
As I mentioned before, all of them. Holla!!!

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR CURRENT/MOST RECENT SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Where I meet all my past significant others…work.

Again, have a great day everybody!!! Sorry if I bored you. Pictures are on the way.