Monday, February 2, 2009

Other Bowls That Were Yesterday

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Did any of you happen to catch the game last night? Pretty good one, huh? Lots of exciting stuff throughout. Good close game. That's really about all I have to say about it…because either you all saw it…or you all missed it on purpose. I just think it's hilarious how the Super Bowl is pretty much the only television event where you go to the bathroom DURING the presentation, not during the commercials. Now, last year, I did a whole review of the Super Bowl Commercials…but this year's weren't worthy in my opinion. I liked the concept of the Miller High Life one-second commercials (it's the wave of the future, quick flashes aimed to burn directly into your brain, just get used to it) and I like the whole Jason Statham Transporter-esque Audi commercial…and all the previews for "G.I. Joe", "Year One" and "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" and those…but John Elway is not a Hero. I realize that if anybody hear in Denver reads that last part, I may have a fight on my hands...but I guess Joe Montana or Barry Sanders must've had other plans. Oh…and just so you're aware, even I find the commercials a little offensive. Moreso than PETA's…but apparently Phoenix got the best commercials in their area. I was kinda hoping for a PETA / Michael Vick collaboration…but maybe they're saving that for next year. Anyway, after them it's "Oh good, the game's back on. I gotta piss like a Clydesdale." Then if absolutely necessary, you can watch the game through strategically arranged mirrors from your bathroom to your living room with an open door and fan blowing. No, I don't have that setup…but only because it doesn't really work with my projector TV. You get like a square yard of the field…but luckily I'm still pretty quick with the bodily functions…so I don't miss much of the action. That's right, I'm talking about toilet humor the day after the Super Bowl. I'm not the only one though. Here's some news…

The Great Gold Runs - A possible precursor to the next great gold rush. Resource-poor Japan just discovered a new source of mineral wealth - Sewage. A sewage treatment facility in central Japan has recorded a higher gold yield from sludge than can be found at some of the world's best gold mines. An official in Nagano prefecture, northwest of Tokyo, said the high percentage of gold found at the Suwa facility was probably due to the large number of precision equipment manufacturers in the vicinity that use the yellow metal. The facility recently recorded finding 1,890 grams of gold per ton of ash from incinerated sludge. That is a far higher gold content than Japan's Hishikari Mine, one of the world's top gold mines, which contains 20-40 grams of the precious metal per ton of ore. The prefecture is so far due to receive 5 million yen ($55,810) for the gold, minus expenses. It expects to earn about 15 million yen for the fiscal year to the end of March from the gold it has retrieved from the ashes of incinerated sludge. "How much we actually receive will depend on gold prices at the time," the official said. Some gold industry officials expect prices this year to top the all-time high above $1,030 per ounce set in 2008, on buying by investors worried about the deepening economic downturn. So…if you're looking to score a few bucks…apparently you may want to go diving around your septic tank. Or just know where to find the right industrial waste and have an incinerator handy. My guess though, it'd cost a LOT more to run the incinerator than any gold that you would find. Still…it's now been proven, Japanese people literally crap gold. They're like mythical geese. I have a theory why…and it's the same reason that Godzilla walks the streets - Fallout.

Define Irony - Also in Japan, a blaze broke out at a fire station this week after a firefighter left a cooking stove burning as crew members left the station to respond to emergency calls. Most of the duty staffers were out on a call when their colleague, alone at the station and cooking dinner for the crew, was himself called out. In his haste to respond to the call, he forgot to turn the stove off, said Seiji Hori, a Nagoya City Fire Department official. Ten fire trucks from other stations put out the fire, Hori added. "We are an institute that should be in a position to educate people about fire, so we are extremely sorry that such an incident happened," Hori said, adding that they would consider ordering-in for dinner from now on. This may not have a lot to do with toilet humor…but it's still funny…and sh*tty all at the same time.

Venice Update - Venice is quite possibly the most beautiful city in the world. I have been there. Everything that you've ever imagined about it…is absolutely true. I have fond memories of taking that first water taxi up to San Marco and seeing the majestic buildings & towers and the sun glistening off the waves, standing in the square surrounded by pigeons cooing and flapping about, riding a gondola down the canals at sunset as our gondoliers Antonio & Francisco sing "Amore" and other Italian ballads, playing hide & seek through the numerous narrow streets and passage ways in the evening, and enjoying gelato passing over the numerous bridges. It's absolutely an incredible destination that I wish you all to experience one day. That being said…they have a bit of a problem…and it involves crappers. Now though, instead of paying the current 1 euro fee to get into a public bathroom, tourists who think ahead can get one week or day passes to the bathrooms online. Visitors can pay 7 Euros online for 10 toilet visits over 5 days in high season, and 5 Euros in the low tourist season. For a regular toilet card, bought at a bathroom or other site, the corresponding costs are 9 Euros and 7 Euros. The online day rate for 2 visits is 1 euro in low season, 2 Euros in the high season. Otherwise, the card costs 1.50 Euros and 3 Euros respectively. Complicated enough? "For people who want some security, who don't want to go into a bar to buy a coffee or a roll, so they can go to the bathroom, this is a solution," a Venice city spokesman said. City residents pay 25 euro cents per visit to the public bathrooms. The pass is another attempt by Venice, which hosts about 20 million visitors a year, to deal with tourists who use the streets as urinals (you have no proof). Tourists, who face "no toilet" signs at many restaurants and cafes, were in favor of the move. "I'm not used to paying to go to the toilet anyway, but if you haven't got a coin on you, but you need to go to the toilet, you have the card ready to go," said Zoe Dawson, a 20-year old bar waitress from Surrey in England. So yeah, when you do get the chance to check out Venice, you may want to plan ahead…because the city is already threatened by global warming and the rising sea levels. It doesn't need to become the next Bourbon Street too…covered in human filth. By the way, just over two weeks until Mardi Gras. So excited…

Bank Robbery Down the Tube - A hapless thief drilled his way into a French bank at the weekend, but missed the safe and instead found himself in a lavatory where he was promptly arrested, a French newspaper reported Sunday. The 21-year-old broke into a building adjoining a branch of Banque Populaire in the Mediterranean port city of Marseille in the early hours of Saturday morning, La Provence newspaper said. The paper said the man, who came from Belgium and was not named, thought that he was going to end up in a room housing safe deposit boxes but instead drilled into the lavatories. Alarms were triggered when he broke through the wall and police caught the man when they arrived on the scene. I can only imagine the surprise of anybody in one of the stalls when the would-be thief came through the wall. "Sacre bleu, iz Le Mole!!!" That's right ladies & gentlemen. I don't know French…but I do know Pepe Le Peu…and we have a lot in common (not just the smell). I can see the thief and an accomplice going over the blueprints before the break-in. "What is this here in the vault?" "That is…the safety deposit boxes. See? They're all in these file cabinets here…and here." "Ugh…that looks like a toilet in the middle of your file cabinet, bud." "No no no, that's just the symbol for a lock…so they know it's for the boxes." "Then why are there sinks over here on the other side?" "What are you, an amateur? That's so they can wash their hands after using the urinals. You don't want to touch your priceless artifacts with wee wee on your hands. Dumbass." "Oh, I see. What's the escape plan?" "We walk right out the front door." "(A few moments of silence) I like it. It's ballsy."

Philly Wing Bowl - Though the city of Philadelphia and their NFL team the Eagles were ROBBED of attendance at this year's Super Bowl, all was not lost for the city of Brotherly Love. Though not to be confused with any incestful or San Francisco type of brotherly Love…but rather the pinnacles of everybody's favorite sins, Gluttony & Lust. In a gut-busting display of championship eating, a man nicknamed Super Squibb won Philadelphia's Wing Bowl by downing 203 chicken wings in about 20 minutes. For his efforts, 23-year-old John Squibb of Berlin, N.J., gets a car, a $7,500 diamond ring and a crown of miniature chickens…and hopefully a case of delicious Pepto Bismol. Thousands attend the early morning gorge-fest held every year on the Friday before the Super Bowl. The contest is sponsored by sports-talk station WIP-AM. It also features scantily clad "Wingettes" and a cast of sickened contestants. Professional eaters (do they put that on their taxes?) were not allowed in this year's Wing Bowl, but organizers say they'll be back next year. Richard "Not Rich" Razzi came in second by eating 180 wings…which is in itself a little scary. I mean…you eat the wings of 90 chickens…that's nine-zero…at two wings a pop (unless they've taken on my mutant 8-winged chicken idea) and you come in second place. We've already taken the wings of the buffalo so they can no longer fly over the prairies of the West. Let's be careful not to destroy our chickens the same way. Besides, their coats aren't as warm.

Anyway, that'll do it for today for my post of bowel movements and indigestion. Join us tomorrow when I get back to my usual stuff…of movies, sexbots, bacon and warm fuzzy thoughts. Have a happy Groundhog Day everybody!!! Six more weeks of winter apparently. Find your favorite way to keep warm and someone to do it with. Peace.

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