Prepare for Ludicrous Speed

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The party last night was a complete success!!! I'd like to thank Lilie (because she showed up first), the Mad Scientist, JL Clyde, Cat, and Casanova for stopping by and rocking my apartment complex (cops were walking around after everybody left…but they didn't even knock…so it was probably another building that called). You're welcome over any time!!! After our party was winding down (because some had to work in the morning), we watched…basically one of the worst movies ever made. Now, as you know, I'll give a movie the benefit of a doubt…and base its merit on the genre of which it is produced. Being a zombie movie, that is an extremely WIDE spectrum of what makes it good. It can just be gory and action packed...or full of cheesy one-liners and a sense of humor about itself…or investigate the moral dilemmas or a zombie invasion and what you are willing to do to survive…or even use of the Force ("Resident Evil Extinction") but as long as its zombies and done even half-ass, it is what it is. However, this movie "Dead Clowns" that we saw last night…was just ridiculously horrible. Now, when the plot summary of the cover reads " " then you expect…that a movie about zombie clowns would take itself humorously. It did not. It tried to take a serious approach…and be INCREDIBLY dramatic and just draw it out…and draw it out…and draw it out…and then I would fast forward…and still nothing would happen…and it just didn't work…because the sound work was horrible. You couldn't hear the dialogue (which I assume was a blessing in disguise anyway). When the zombies showed up, nobody screams. They just kind of look at them, turn around slowly, and walk up the stairs…or into the other room. It's just…a horrible movie…even for a student film…and even though it was only like 80 minutes long…and about twenty minutes in fast forward…it felt like it took HOURS to watch it. I wouldn't recommend this movie to anybody…other than maybe to see what happens when you have horrible sound editing and try to make a movie just to do gory special effects (poorly). My apologies if anybody involved in the making of this film is reading this…but it's just my opinion.


To follow it up this morning, I watched the other movie bought by the Mad Scientist at the two-dollar value bin at his local Hollywood Video called "Dead & Deader" (I'm not joking). Not the long-awaited sequel starring Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels…but another zombie flick starring Dean Cain (Superman on "Lois & Clark" series), Guy Torre ("American History X"), Susan Ward ("Wild Things 2") and Peter Greene (Redfoot on "Usual Suspects"). Basically, an attack force is sent into Cambodia to see why they lost contact with humanitarian services…only to find out that glowing scorpions are turning people into zombies craving human flesh. A grenade goes off…and all the corpses are returned home to the United States…but then they come back to life just before they're buried…and only Superman, er Dean Cain has the zombie power…but isn't a zombie. So he, an army cook (Torre) and a sexy film geek waitress (Ward) can save the world from a zombie infestation. Yeah, this one was pretty bad too…but it was purposely bad…and had a few one-liners…and even semi-witty references to how bad of a movie it is (Remember the sexy film geek? They talk about George Romero & other zombie movies). Maybe it was only tolerable in comparison to "Dead Clowns" but it was a TV movie on Starz, so they at least had a few bucks to spend on making it.


What? I'm Dead? - Since I'm apparently on a zombie kick anyway, a man believed to have died in a Colorado flood in 1976 has been found living in Oklahoma. 63-year-old Darrell Johnson told the Fort Collins Coloradoan for a story Friday that he didn't know he had been counted among the 144 victims of the Big Thompson Canyon flood until a resident called him last year. Barb Anderson said residents didn't want his name on a memorial plaque without proof he was dead. Johnson and his family had decided to leave their shabby cabin the morning of the flood after just one night. A few hours later, the resort was washed away. How Johnson ended up on the victims list remains a mystery. Here's the best part of the whole story to me…Mr. Johnson directs funerals in Oklahoma City. Does anybody else think that's kind of funny? The dead guy directing funerals? Huh? Nobody? Okay, at least it makes me happy. Glad that you're okay, Mr. Johnson.


Another thought that I had the other day…was me wondering if I'd be able to rob a bank. Now, not that I would actually do it or anything (too easily identified in a lineup…oh, and the whole being illegal thing of course) but I was just wondering…if I had the ability to. Could I come up with a plan that'd work? Could I form a team of individuals that I could trust AND would be able to get the job done? Would I be able to see the plan through? If something goes wrong, would I be able to adapt…or would I freeze? Would I bail? Would I see betrayal coming? Would I betray to get another couple bucks? Could I get away with it? Where would I go with my newfound fortune? Where could I go with the cops chasing me? What would I do with the money? Would I be able to trust anybody again? Could I afford a Panda with that kind of cash? Would I do it again if I got away with it? One last big score. It'd be interesting if there was a way that people could…I don't know rob a bank…but not really. Like do it…using laser tag or something (so nobody gets hurt…unless they get pistol whipped for actin' up) and in the end, you'd have to give the money back…just to see if they could do it. It'd be interesting…at least to me.


Shortly after this thought, it brought up another experience that I've always wanted to do…but have yet to do…and that is to roll around in money. Oh…for those of you who don't know, there are a few things that I've wanted to do for a long time…like pay for an expensive car or a house with a suitcase full of cash, chase down somebody in a car (think Nic Cage in a Lamborghini chasing Sean Connery in a Hummer through the streets of San Francisco in "The Rock"), fly an old bi-plane (or fire off a few rounds from the gun in the back), sky dive, and roll around in a big pile of money…bucky naked. Now, conceivably this could be done. I've approached a point in my life, where if I wanted to cash out my savings, 401k, cash advance on a few credit cards, etc. that I could get a fairly good pile of single dollar bills…and instead of living at a gentleman's club, could roll around in this pile for a while…toss it up into the air & let it rain down upon me...until my heart is content…then stack 'em up, refill the suitcase, and pay off the debt (pending any mishaps). "But $teve, would you really roll around in money? It's dirty…and been handled by so many people." This is where what I assume money laundering skills would come into play. Probably only make up two loads or so, add a little fabric softener, you've got a fun time. Honestly though, I probably wouldn't even wait that long. I'd strip down and just roll in it. I would dive in like Scrooge McDuck in his Money Bin, backstroking, giggling like a schoolgirl, if some of the bills are sticky, I'd probably hop up and do a Money Dance do try to shake them off…and then dive right back in. Here's another reason that washing it might be a bad idea. Then again, I'm a bit of a weirdo. Anyway, that's my thought on the matter…and now I have shared that with you…though you probably don't care. Anybody else have something similar? Jell-O bath? Vaseline in your boots? Wrapped in leather?


That'll do it for today. I'll be out for a few days in Vegas, hopefully trying to figure out exactly what's going on down there and do what I need to do to relocate. I'm not expecting to find out a whole lot in the immediate future…but at least I'll have a fun weekend in Vegas. Funny thing though, I was going to try to surprise the Wingmans this weekend…and they called me last night to inform me that they were coming into town this weekend. Ain't that the way? Well, the flight was already paid for…so I guess I'll meet up with them another time. They're as excited about me moving down there as I am. Ah well, good things come to those who wait, everything happens for a reason, third cliché. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Now, if you'll excuse me...