Yeah Well, I Hope Your Babies Look Like Monkeys

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, the "big" interview for my manager certification was yesterday. I arrived about 45 minutes early because I was expecting a little more traffic (and I'm like that) and ran into Amelia but she was working so we just said hi and then she texted me afterwards. The guy interviewing before me was Russian (?) so we chatted for about thirty seconds before the conversation ended. The interview itself went great. Two tenured managers asked me questions about my career goals, ambitions, what skills I possessed that'd make me a great leader (ninja skills intrigued them the most), examples where I used these skills as well as others, and all in all, it was just a great little interview. I didn't even have to use what my Italian friends refer to as "Fuffa" to get through it...which is another skill that I neglected to mention on the resume or in the interview. By the way, Fuffa is explained to me as the ability to bullsh*t...like it's breathing. Anybody who has ever talked to me can usually pick up on this...though I mix it well with true sincerity. It's a real gift...and I don't know if it's learned or just something genetic that you're born with...but scientists may find out in due time.

One of the interviewers, I found out, is also big in Vegas as an HR manager...so I asked him about my chances down there (or anywhere) and any suggestions that he had for me. Here's the main points...

1. Go Back to School - Reason being, I have two associate's degrees...but of course everybody's getting bachelor degrees so if I want to stay competitive then I'd better get on that. Besides, education never hurt nobody, right? Basically, it's not enough to know the stuff...but to SHOW that you know the stuff, I guess. The only thing is...I see college as a huge ripoff that only exists as a way for parents of horny teenagers to give lots of money away. Not having my parents pay for ANY of my seven years of college, I just see it as a major waste of money, period. I have two useless pieces of paper hanging on my wall after tens of thousands of dollars spent on stuff that I basically already knew. Pain in the ass. That being said, probably not going to get an honorary degree from anywhere now...but it's just my opinion. Obviously those degrees are coming back to help me out now, right?


2. Get Experience - Translation: Take a major paycut and start over to get some of that "real world" experience and know-how. Besides, most of your competition is already there and have been for years learning the job that they'd have to spend an hour or so to teach you. In other words, the last ten years of your life have been wasted on working hard and doing the best that you can. You may as well have just done nothing and be in the same position from their standpoint.


3. Risk - Las Vegas is always changing (part of its appeal) but any move down there is going to involve a LOT of risk as far as job security, restructuring, housing, financial stability, global warming, whatever. Sure, the company may look good now...but in a year, who the hell knows? Just look at my "future employer" from a few months ago. Then again, thanks to trillions of dollars going into foreign wars, outsourcing, technology, and blah blah blah, everybody's job is at risk...just more fluid in vacation places like Las Vegas.
   
   

Summary (interpretted by my Noggin) - The interview was great, you're an amazing guy, great resume, very charming & interesting, your managers have nothing but incredible things to say about you...but to have a better chance of actually having a career you're going to have to go back to school full-time (already did seven years of full-time college for those two two-year degrees), while taking a major paycut to start over at the bottom of the company, while moving out on your own to a new environment where anything can happen at any moment...and it's probably going to be bad...because it's a gambling town to begin with and these are gambling times. Oh...and did I mention that you'll be alone? That may be a good thing...because you won't be taking anybody down with you. Oh...and all that masterful working & going to school full-time for the past twelve years or so...doesn't mean diddly doo doo. In fact, it probably hurt you because instead of being loyal to a company that you enjoyed working with, you probably should have moved on a while ago. Nice tie, by the way. Where did you get that? China? You went to China? How was that?

After thanking them for their time and advice, I drove home in a fairly cheerful mood. I had gotten this interview out of the way...and it can only help me now in my search. They'll send information to my managers and myself in the next week...and we'll come up with a strategy or something to get me where I need to go. Awesome. So I get home, send a few text messages to concerned parties, take off my suit, sit down on my bed, and basically break down for about five to ten minutes in mild teary-eyed frustration wondering "What the hell have I done with my life? What could I have done better? What can I do in the future that's feasible? Who the hell are they to tell me to start over? Why does this always happen? What HAVE I been doing the past two years since graduation? Or for that matter the last decade? Nothing? Who gives a sh*t? Has all my work been for nothing? Do I know my sh*t? Why do I feel so alone? What the hell is wrong with me? Why does God hate me? Wah wah wah..." Yeah, it got a little dramatic & ridiculous there at the end. When I have a little manly breakdown though, there's a few key things to remember that help me work it out:

• Make it quick and painful - Like taking off a band-aid. Get it all out. Cry like a little whipped girly puppy, get that horrible feeling in your throat where you cry and it feels like it's expanding like a bullfrog or something, the fact that I was in my underwear during broad daylight left me feeling especially vulnerable...but it helped get it all out. Picture that one for minute, ladies.


• Don't drink - It'll only make it worse...and you'll spend the next day vomiting...and that's one of my least favorite things. It's up there with girls crying and blunt object to the groin.


• Don't break stuff - It'll only piss you off the next day...and the cops stay out of it because the neighbors won't hear you and call it in. Talking to a cop while angry is a great way to meet new friends and have sex with them...but not the kind you want.


• Talk to a buddy - Via text, phone, email, whatever...it usually helps to let a good friend or family member know what's on your mind and what you're frustrated about. They do a good job of keeping it in perspective (because they're not directly in it) and helping you out. You know the people that you want to talk to...and whether you want to do it by text or whatever. Note: Talking to your mom will either enrage you beyond what you thought you were capable of...or cause you to continue crying like a whipped puppy for hours. It's just what they do. Fathers not so much...but hopefully you all have good friends out there to talk to.


• Learn from it - What does this REALLY mean? How can you make it better? Can you make it better? How can you grow from this as a person? What's the moral of the story? What's for dinner?


• Move on - Might I suggest inviting a few people over for a Rock Band party? That's what I did and it worked splendidly. Oh...and if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, I remember hours of fantastic sex working wonders for my self-esteem after these breakdowns.


• For God's sake, don't tell anybody else about it!!! - Okay, so I dropped the ball on this one...but hopefully my stupidity helps you out. Yeah, I have a reputation to uphold as that Greek God of a man chiseled out of marble and carrying a mighty trident...but I'm still a tough guy with an imposing figure...and yeah, I have my moments. We all do...or we go postal.
  
  

So, long stupid story short, nothing has really changed except that I got certified as a manager. I just had a little fit where all the frustration of the last six months of trying to do something with my life just kind of culminated and I had a Gloomy Gus Day that I guess only lasted a few minutes...but still, now I just have to open my eyes and look for what I'm going to do with my future. Maybe I need to look at a few different cities with a little more stability. Already done San Diego and New Orleans, so maybe Denver a little more...or Northern California...or Rio de Janeiro. Any suggestions? I don't really want to go back to school...at all...but I guess if you're not moving forward, you're falling behind...which pisses me off to no end because school is really f**king pointless and really f**king expensive...especially since I'll probably be taking that paycut. Oh well, positive attitude brings positive results, right? Onward and upward!!!

So yeah, Filly stopped by shortly after and we talked about this and that. She's twitterpated and going to New Orleans for Halloween (which I'll probably go too, if possible) so I basically just sat back and listened...adding funny comments here & there and words of advice...you know, the usual. (Sh*t, maybe I should just go into psychiatry. Plenty of possibly-crazy people looking for somebody to talk to out there, that's job security. The question is...can they afford me in these times? Do I really need a degree though? Some of the craziest people I know have degrees in Psychology...like my Aunt Pat) Sorry, tangent thought again. So yeah, she paid me with a Carne Asada Burrito...and JL Clyde showed up later and we played Rock Band...and had Coke Slurpees with Appleton Estate Jamaican Rum, which were non-surprisingly delicious.

Then we watched one of the silliest horror movies of the 90's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" but the one with Renee Zellweger (right after "Jerry Maguire") and Matthew McConaughey (right after "Dazed & Confused") and it's just ridiculous. I had seen it once before...but basically, it's Prom Night in Texas and two couples drive off into the wilderness (never explained exactly why other than they let an angry woman drive). That being said, they get into a wreck and the driver in the other car is hurt pretty bad...so they go to get help. Then the craziness ensues. I don't want to spoil anything...but yeah, Leatherface is there with a chainsaw, there's a real estate agent with rockin' tatas that likes to flash the locals, McConaughey has a remote control robotic leg...and is a pretty convincing crazy, and it's just wild & kooky...to the point of pure enjoyment...for a horror movie. I say check it out...but yeah, don't try to look at it logically or anything. It'll only piss you off.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Sorry for my rambling about being a wuss...but hopefully it helps out for your future meltdowns to know that everybody does it, they just handle it differently. Thanks to everybody out there for listening to me over the course of the evening (Mom, Bubbles, Filly, JL Clyde, Amelia, Lilie, etc.) and don't feel bad if I didn't talk to you about it (Mrs Wingman) because I just got more frustrated the more time that I had to retell it (especially after talking to my mom). See? Even I don't follow my own advice sometimes. Have a great night everybody!!!