Research FINALLY Backs Me Up

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night after work, I went to the Huka Lounge to have a few drinks, hang out with Alisa and her brothers, and see her husband's band Slow Ride. Good times. I showed up a little earlier than they did...because it gets busy and I live a few blocks away so I had to snag a table before they were all gone. I was there for half an hour sipping on Guinness by myself...and let me tell ya, bars are boring and slightly uncomfortable by yourself. Moreso than a coffee shop. Anyway, after they showed up, it got much better and the music was great. A first happened to me yesterday. As I said, I was sipping pints on Guinness...and the other five at the table were having root beer. I believe it was the first time that I have ever been the Lush of the group...and I only had a few beers. Okay, so it wasn't bad...but it was a little different. We had some fun though...and that's what counts, right? Thanks for inviting me, Alisa!!!



When Keepin' It Real Goes Wrong - A South Korean man won his appeal against a one-year jail term for assisting in a suicide by throwing a lighter to his gasoline-soaked rival in love. Okay, here's the story…because I know you're intrigued now. Last September, the former boyfriend had stopped the couple in their car after dousing himself in gasoline and threatened to kill himself is she did not get out. The new boyfriend then threw him a lighter (in an act of keepin' it real…and calling his bluff) saying, "Go ahead and kill yourself." He did it…and died from his burns. A Seoul appeal court reversed a lower court ruling, saying that the 30-year-old man had not believed the ex-lover of his girlfriend would actually set light to himself…because the original ruling said the ex-lover had given his own cigarettes and lighter to a friend so they would not get damaged by the petrol and had not left a will showed he had not planned to commit suicide. I guess the ex-lover that burned himself was either bat crackers crazy…or overly logical. "Well, this gasoline costs 10,000 Won per Liter. I'd hate to see it go to waste…and I don't want to be a liar…" See the kind of stuff that Buddhist monks are teaching our kids? Peace? Love? Contentment? Self-Combustion? They must be stopped…peacefully. (China, I'm lookin' at you…)



Oldest Jokes in History - No, we're not talking about John McCain jokes on the Daily Show or Bob Hope's standup material, we're talking about jokes that the ancient civilizations told one another. The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests toilet humor was as popular with the ancients as it is today. It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap." It heads the world's oldest top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton Thursday. Here are some other treats...

• A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru (bless you), comes second -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."



• The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."



• Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his mento attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: 'Help, nobody is attacking me!" No one comes to help. (Homer, The Odyssey in 800 BC)



• Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey - his purse is what restrains him (First written in Egyptian hieroglyphics during the Ptolemaic Period of 304 BC - 30 BC)



• Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued, he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?' 'No, your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.' (Features in Saturnalia, by Ambrosius Theodosius Macrobius around 63 BC)



• Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: 'In silence.' (Collected in Philogelos, 4th-5th century AD)

See, through the millennia jokes have remained surprisingly the same...so why fight over who came up with the "Foodist Colony" joke first? The key is consistency. Nobody remembers you just because you say "You Might be a Redneck" or talking about dirty words on television over thirty years ago. They remember you because you're smarter than a 5th grader and a comic genius. Okay, maybe that's not exactly true...but they had great publicists too. The key is to make people laugh and feel good in the now...or if you chisel the joke onto a cave wall or side of a building, then you can claim to have invented it first (Gatsby, Anonymous, hint hint, first one to chisel it wins). Anyway, the study was commissioned by television channel Dave. The top 10 oldest jokes can be viewed here.

Research FINALLY Backs Me Up - This was in an English magazine…so it has to be true. Ladies, you know that I've been saying for a long, long time that you think entirely too much about your figure and are overly critical on your appearance. Now, I have studies (or rather surveys) to back me up. According to a survey, men & women have very different ideas about the perfect female figure…and you may be surprised. While women yearn for the waspish waist of a size 8 model, men hanker for a curvy size 12 with hips. Oh yeah! That’s not all. It seems all that time spent staring at the mirror making mental checklists of everything you’d change is a waste of time. When they asked men what they would alter about their partner’s appearance, the majority said they were perfectly happy…and they wish their ladies loved their bodies as much as the men do. Besides, everybody knows that the muffin tops are delicious…and fat bottomed girls make the rockin' world go round. Click here or here for the results if you don't believe me…but just because I can, I'm going to salute some of the curvy vixens out there…and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop me…because it's my blog. Love yourself ladies…because we already do.

You know, that's going to stop it...because I know a lot of you are reading this at work. So no Gemma Atkinson or anything like that. You're all beautiful, ladies. We just wish that you knew that. Anyway, have a great day!!! See ya tomorrow or something...