Armand Is The Wind

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to wish a happy posthomous birthday to Sir Isaac Hayes who sadly passed a few weeks ago but would be sixty-six today. Truly one of the great funky R&B singers of an era before I was an itch in my daddy's pants and great guy with the sense of humor to star in South Park, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, & I'm Gonna Git You Sucka. He just seemed to have a huge wealth of talent, the confidence & determination to see it through, and a great sense of perspective and charisma to just enjoy every moment of life that he could. Did you know that he's royalty? Google that shit...or just hit the link I have to his website above. I'm sorry that I didn't get to see you in concert on my birthday in Vegas last year (before my blogging days) but I'll have you know that I was making your music proud back at the Ritz-Carlton. Can you dig it? Rest in peace, playa!!!

Last night, I hung out with JL Clyde & Filly (who made a run to Evanston during the day) and we watched "Mannequin" starring Andrew McCarthy, Kim Cattrall, and James Spader. If you've never seen an 80's movie, this is pretty much the quintessential 80's movie. The story is an Egyptian princess (Cattrall, please stop laughing) magically gets transported through time as statues or something (there's an 80's cartoon intro title sequence that explains everything...poorly) and some 4500 years later, her soul is put into a carefully sculpted mannequin made by an artistic guy down on his luck and trying to find something that inspires him in New York (McCartney). He starts working the night shift doing window displays at a department store...and when he and the mannequin are alone, she pops to life as a vivacious woman...and after he decides that he's not crazy, they start hanging out (queue 80's multi-outfit dance montage) and...long story short, he ends up in a mannequin. Throw in a few deviously dumb masterminds including a competiting store owner, a bitchy ex-girlfriend he dumped for a mannequin (that has to hurt), a silly possibly-Italian stereotype named Armand (actually one of my favorite characters as a kid because of the stupid stuff he says), a nerdy weasel (Spader), and Captain Harris from the "Police Academy" movies as a night security guard...and now you have your conflict. Oh yeah, the late great Estelle Getty is in it too...and Hollywoooooood Montrose, the eccentric and flamboyant friend who believes that the mannequin comes to life!!! Oh yeah...and end the movie on a great 80's song "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" which was nominated for an Academy Award...but no nod for McCarthy. Weird. Anyway, I'd recommend checking it out...but during the slow plot times, you'll probably just notice the wardrobe and makeup...and the only excuse that you can really say is "It was the 80's."

All Hail the Fonz!!! - A statue of Arthur Fonzarelli was unveiled to a Happy Days-loving crowd on Wisconsin's Milwaukee River today, commemorating the 10-year run of the classic sitcom and its most iconic character in the city where the series was set (but, alas, never shot). Fonzie's alter ego Henry Winkler was on hand for the invite-only occasion, as were show creator-director-producer Garry Marshall, stars Anson Williams (Potsie), Don Most (Ralph), Marion Ross (Mrs. C), Tom Bosley (Mr. C) and Erin Moran (Joanie), as well as Laverne & Shirley leads Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams. Ron Howard was on location and unable to make the unveiling. Scott Baio (Chachi) was apparently too busy being pregnant or being a douche. I haven't been keeping tabs on him recently. Winkler took quite a liking to his life-size leather-jacketed likeness, giving it the ultimate seal of approval: two thumbs up. So sayeth the Fonz, "I hope that this statue really represents in the way that this city deserves. This is one of the great cities in the United States of America and everyone should actually come here to enjoy the theater, enjoy the good food, enjoy the warmth of the people and the Fonz!" He then snapped his fingers and two beautiful teenage girls appeared at his side. "Ayyyyyy!!!"

Not So Smooth Operator - John Molony is mayor of the city of Mount Isa, a small mining town in northern Australia. This last week, he made some comments that have caused some controversy. However, he has refused to apologize for angering local women with a suggestion that "with five blokes to every girl, may I suggest that beauty-disadvantaged women should proceed to Mount Isa. Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face. Whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness. Some, in other places in Australia, need to proceed to Mount Isa where happiness awaits. Really, beauty is only skin deep. Isn't there a fairy tale about an ugly duckling that evolves into a beautiful swan." The mayor said he was "telling it like it is" in a testosterone-laden town more famous for cowboys and mining lead, silver, copper and zinc than for match-making, sitting atop one of the world's biggest underground mines. "I'm a bloke who respects women. I believe we should look after women. I'm told men outnumber women here by five to one. If that's the case, then perhaps it's an opportunity for some lonely women." Okay, so the man wasn't really thinking clearly. Remember the other day when I said that the Truth usually isn't the best answer? Yes, there may be an overwhelming number of "blokes" to "pokes" in your town. It very well may be a great opportunity for…beauty-disadvantaged women? Ugly ducklings? Really? Mayor Molony, before you open your mouth in the manner again, please consult a marketer (such as myself) who can help you pointing out the features and benefits that your town has to offer. For example, focus on the large number of single, well-mannered gentlemen who work hard twelve hours a day mining precious minerals...and are simply too exhausted to fight about finances and what-have-you when the day is done. Emphasize the rippling muscles and five o'clock shadows. According to my mom's romance novels, that could be a big draw. Also, I'm assuming there's plenty of land for a home with a white picket fence out there in your town. Anyway, simple suggestions for future brochures. No need to thank me, just pay it forward (preferably in silver & copper back to me so I can pass it along to the ladies here in the US). I can't blame you for acting that way though. I know what it's like to have a "cold streak" lasting a while. I'm sure that I've said some questionable things on this blog (Gasp!!!) but next time, just go ahead and ask for my help. I have a lot of free time while I'm waiting to move to Vegas. (Some bad news on that front by the way...)

Babes on Bikes? - Meanwhile, in New Zealand's capital of Auckland, a court has allowed a parade of topless porn stars on motor bikes to proceed on the main street of the country's biggest city. Auckland City Council had sought a court injunction to stop the "Boobs on Bikes" parade, scheduled for Wednesday, saying it breached a bylaw banning offensive public events but Judge Nicola Mathers said while opponents may find the parade offensive or tasteless, the fact that 80,000 people had gathered for a similar event last year meant a significant number of people did not agree with the critics. You can't argue with numbers like that. The parade on Queens Street featuring leather-clad local and international porn stars is part of an "Erotica Expo" organized by fellow $teve and self-styled "porn king" Steve Crow. How's that for a different story from the last one? In Mount Isa there's more sausage than a German butcher…while in Auckland, they have porn stars straddling Harleys. Mayor Molony, Mister Crow, might I suggest that you guys get together and work something out? By the way, do you think the biker is that girl's dad? That'd be awesome. Always wear protection...and I mean helmets too.

Sexbot Update - Also another alternative to the Mount Isa problem…but a few years still in the making. However, this installment of my infinite-part series of Sexbot Update is about satisfying two essential needs at once. As Jeff Foxworthy famously routined, guys basically have two essential thoughts: I want a beer and I want to see something naked. Well, usually my updates refer to the latter…but now, they're working on the former. Japan's top beer maker Asahi Breweries, known for its "Super Dry," is deploying the life-size Mr. Asahi to bars and clubs to pull pints, open beer bottles and pour them to customers -- quickly. He can serve customers, with a smile, in less than two minutes, saving the average customer 13 minutes at a busy bar (that they'll apparently spend either in the bathroom vomiting or driving drunk). Mr. Asahi weighs roughly 500 pounds, works behind a specially designed bar and can politely respond to customers' questions via an operator-controlled system that includes over 500 vocal effects (I wonder if it can translate drunk), Mr. Asahi may also go across the Pacific to show off his skills in the United States in the future. So now we may have robot bartenders in the future. Here's some video. How does this apply to sexbots? Well, make it a Miss Asahi, throw on some cupholders, and trim it down to under 200 pounds, you may never have to leave the bedroom again to get a cold drink for you or your lover…because your sexbot will be shooting anything from Cranberry Juice to Coke to Cosmos out of their fingertips. Let's just hope they work on that "Super Dry" problem that Asahi has had problems with.

Five Ways to Beef Up Your Brain - Some may think that I have a one-track mind. That would actually be pretty sweet, if that were the case. Some may think that my blog is all about pandas, women I'd like to tickle with my pickle and the accompanying sexual frustration, trips around the world, random thoughts that I have, weird dreams, and appliances you can fornicate with…and they would be wrong. I also talk about movies a lot and dispense advice that nobody cares about. Here's another example…five ways to keep your brain active and hopefully ward off physical ailments like Alzheimer's, Dementia, and Dumbass Syndrome.

1. Eat Your Brain Food - You are what you eat, or at least your brain is. A diet of junk food can junk up your brain, as things like trans fats and saturated fats, common in heavily processed foods, can negatively affect the brain's synapses. Synapses connect the brains neurons and are important to learning and memory. On the other hand, a balanced diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids found in salmon, walnuts and kiwi fruit can give the synapses a boost and help fight against mental disorders from depression to dementia.


2. Hit the Gym - Giving the rest of your body a workout can also improve your memory, make you think more clearly and decrease the risk of developing cognitive diseases. Because exercise is a mild stressor to your body, eating up the precious energy needed by the brain, it triggers the release of chemicals called growth factors that make the brain's neurons stronger and healthier. Half an hour every other day will do it…and don't forget to stretch: Stretching can help reduce stress, which can impact the memory centers of your brain.


3. Bend Your Mind - Give your brain a workout too with brainteasers, sudoku, crossword puzzles and memory games. Studies have shown that using these tools to stay mentally active can reduce the risks of developing dementia by building and maintaining a reserve of stimulation in your brain. Even following the current political campaign can provide a boost to the systems that control attention and learning that are hard-wired into the brain...or just frustrate the hell out of you. Also find stimulation during your workday if at all possible…because that boredom can make your mind melt if you're not easily amused. My suggestion - Take the time to take a few deep breaths, picture some of the more attractive coworkers in their underwear, and formulate a scheme to rob a bank…but you're blindfolded and your lookout is a Collie.


4. Memory Tricks - Keeping information stored in your memory banks and retaining that memory with age may also be a simple matter of mind control ("These aren't the droids you're looking for"). For example, confidence in your cognitive abilities could actually affect how well your memory functions, particularly for the elderly. Because some older adults tend to blame memory lapses on age, regardless of whether or not that is the cause, they can keep themselves from even really trying to remember. Prediction can also enhance memory: If you have a good idea of the information you'll need to recall later, you're more likely to remember it. Memory tricks? Mind control? Prediction? Confidence? Basically, become a magician…or an illusionist of some sort. "Is this your card?" "No." "Are you sure? I distinctly remember your card being the Four of Clubs." "Ugh…maybe it was." "MINDFREAK!!!"


5. Give It A Rest - Sleep gives your brain a chance to replay the memories of the day and consolidate them for long-term storage. One study suggested that the brain can do its reviewing much faster when you're asleep than when you're wide awake. So all-nighters are only good if you're trying to forget the stupid stuff that you did that night (ladies). Not the best for students before a test. A 90-minute mid-afternoon nap can even help solidify long-term memories, such as events or skills you are trying to master. Siesta anyone? I've basically perfected the 15-minute Power Nap during my college days…and I graduated…eventually. The point is…get plenty of sleep…and if you have trouble getting to sleep, let Dr. Love be your Tylenol…and you can just take him until you dose off. Sweet dreams, ladies!!! Everytime...
   

Sure genetics have their hand in your mental health but these are great suggested ways to help out…and really just good things to do in general to keep from falling into a rut and dreading waking up every morning. Trust me, it's not a place that you want to be. That's why I want to thank all the ladies & gentlemen out there that make me want to rise up and be my best every day. That'll do it for today. Tune in tomorrow when I probably talk more about pandas, movies, boobs, Vegas, robots, and fortune cookies...oh, and I've been bestowed a great honor...but more on that tomorrow. Have a great night everybody!!! Enjoy the Olympics!!!