Friday, August 29, 2008

Twenty Squared

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

This makes my 400th post between this & my original blog (which looks exactly like this one…but that's because I said I'd change it when I move…and all know how that's going, right?). I'm reminded of the tale of Sisyphus at times…trying to push a huge sphere of fecal matter up the hill…so that I can steal fire...but then birds peck out my eyes…I get shot in the ankle with an arrow…and end up married to my mom. It's been a while since I had that Greek Mythology class…but I think that I got all the important details of the story in there. Whatever, positivity time. I'm tired of moping…especially in my virtual reality…as I'm sure that you are.

At work, Becca, Brooklyn, and I ordered some Sam Pan for lunch…so that leads us to the Fortune Cookie of the Day - "Someone is speaking well of you…in bed." Oh, I don't doubt that one bit…but why isn't she doing so in my presence? That's what I want to know. After that, the rest of the night was spent pondering other options besides Vegas that would suit my personal, professional, and sexual needs. I thought of all the things that I was looking for, asked friends living in some of the cities for their opinions and suggestions, all the usual Executive Branch stuff. Some locations were really nice…but REALLY expensive…so I asked if those friends had a basement or garage that I could live in and were looking for a nanny. No dice. Other locations currently have hurricane warnings later in the week and the governor has suggested evacuation. I like being above water. Other still were basically the same situation that I’m already in. Ah well, it's all a matter of time. I'm not worried...just a little frustrated. Besides, some of the sweet ladies at work asked me about it last night and gave me encouragement. There's one lady in particular, Mother Tucker, who's just about the sweetest lady that you'd ever want to meet. She has nothing but good things to say about anybody EVER. She's so sweet that exposure to her may give me diabetes later on in life...but she asked me about it...and I told she gave me a pat on the back and basically said, "It all happens for a reason" and laughed, "Yeah, I know. Thanks." Great people all around me. Anyway, here's some news...

A Deal's a Deal - Some local flavor from the Beehive State, where Davis County Commissioner Alan Hansen found himself kissing a three-year old horse named Reno. How, you may be asking? No, not interspecies erotica (this time) but rather a contest between the Davis Hospital and Medical Center. The rules: Members of the team that lost the most weight got to watch their boss kiss a farm animal. This year, the county employees won — county staffers lost 397.6 pounds, just slightly trimmer than the hospital workers. Hansen missed out when his fellow commissioners locked lips with a cow over the weekend. So on Tuesday, Hansen met Reno on the front steps of the county courthouse and puckered up for what became a quick peck…but not before he slathered on some lip balm and popped a breath mint. He told the mare: "This is more for you than me." I ugh…don't know what to say really about that. At least he kept his end of the bargain, I guess. By the way, I'd like to mention that these are democratically elected official that are kissing farm animals…for the record. Maybe I should run for President someday. I'm just curious what kind of slander or indiscretion of my past would be brought up against me…and then I could BS my way through it. Honestly. I have a stellar record. Then again, that may just be spun into me being some kind of bland, clear-thinking robot like Al Gore or something. Politics are silly. This is even worse than kissing babies though. If they wanted to take it that route, they could have been kissing colts & calves.

Ferocious Puppy - In Wyckoff (sounds dirty), New Jersey, a 15-pound cocker spaniel-poodle mix named Pawlee scared off a mother bear and her two cubs Sunday morning after they strayed into his owners' back yard. Whether his bark was worse than his bite, Pawlee's tactic worked just fine. These three bears got the hint and took off. "We had just let him out for the morning and he ran into the yard and started barking his head off," owner Fran Osiason said. Her 9-year-old son, Jacob, went outside to see what the commotion was about and came running back in to report there were bears in the yard. She was worried that the mother would come after Pawlee to protect her cubs but the pugnacious pup, just 8 months old, had other plans. His barking drove the two cubs up a tree, and they eventually climbed down and hopped over a fence with their mother and retreated into the woods. Osiason marveled at his fearlessness. "He's a little fur ball," she said. He sure is, Fran. He sure is…and that Mama Bear took the high road in not destroying that little chew toy. It's not that I don't like dogs…just itty bitty ones…that bark at things much larger than them just to be irritating…and live to tell the tale…to nobody because they have no friends. That smug sense of self-satisfaction and a newfound cocky attitude…just because the mother didn't want to expose her young cubs to a vicious beat down. Oh well, at least nobody was hurt.

I Kissed A Girl Too - So a few years ago, maybe you heard about Madonna, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera doing that whole girl-on-girl kissing thing at MTV's Video Music Awards. I vaguely remember it (every night…and wonder what happened?) Well this year, Katy Perry is apparently looking for a female celeb to kiss during this year's live telecast of the awards show on September 7th because of her addictive hit "I Kissed a Girl" and get some of that shock value that they need. So who do you think MTV wants to match her up with? Apparently, friend of the blog who has fallen on some hard times this year, Ms. Lindsay Lohan! An alleged source leaked, "Producers are really working hard on it. They'd love it to be Lindsay, and they're actually going to ask." If Ms. Perry can't convince Lindsay though, there's always Tila Tequila! She's a media whore. Reps for Perry and MTV did not comment. Now, let's hear from you: Who do you think Perry should kiss on the big night? Leave your comments below. More importantly…does anybody really care? I mean, I'm all about shameless publicity. I DO have a degree in Marketing…but has the music industry gotten pretty ridiculous to anybody else? (Katy, call me if you're interested…)

Even Jigga's Bailing on Vegas - That was fast. Less than nine months after opening the Vegas version of his 40/40 Club in the Palazzo, rapper & entrepreneur Jay-Z has sold the joint for an undisclosed amount (my guess, a sh*tload but not as much as he was hoping for). There have been reports of problems since the place opened in January 2008. It struggled to open for New Year's Eve after reportedly failing inspection. Disgruntled employees who were fired or resigned also complained to local media shortly after its opening. The space will reportedly be turned into a sports bar by the hotel…but Jigga's not down on his luck. He still plans to open 40/40 Clubs in Chicago, Tokyo and Macau…to go along with New York and Atlantic City, already in progress. It just goes to show…that even Jay-Z is prone to little mistakes…like the "Kingdom Come" album. See? It's all about taking risk though. Maybe Vegas is a risky risk…but with great risk can come great rewards…or at least a few great times before they catch up with you being buried up to your neck in the middle of the desert for flirting with some mobster's girlfriend because you were trying to step out of your comfort zone and started whispering French poetry into a waitress' ear. Okay, so she was a dancer…but it's not like she was wearing a ring…that I could see. Sorry it didn't work out Mr. Carter…but you're still a billionaire married to Beyonce, so I'm sure that you'll get over it fairly quickly. Just remember my tips for little manly breakdowns.

XXX Files - David Duchovny a.k.a. Fox Mulder has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction. In a statement released Thursday by his lawyer, Stanton Stein, the actor said he did so voluntarily, adding: "I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family." Duchovny plays a sex-obsessed character on the Showtime series "Californication," which earned Emmy nominations for casting and cinematography. The show's second season begins September 28 (shameless plug maybe?). Showtime had no comment Thursday. He has been married to actress Tea Leoni since 1997…and frankly, I can understand the addiction. Talk about taking your work home with ya. I wonder if he brought that up during the interview for "Californication"? "I ugh…think I'd be perfect for this job because…well, I'm a sex addict…so it's not really much of a stretch for me. Did you know that I was abducted by aliens two years before the X-Files pilot? I think we all know how that one turned out…" Mulder, I hope that you are able to overcome your sex addiction…because I have to believe that there's some hope out there for us. I mean…you and all the other addicts out there. Oh, who am I kidding? If I thought about it any more I wouldn't be able to breathe.

Anyway, that'll do it for this 400th edition of the Ecclectic Eccentric Times. I hope that you all have plan for a wonderful weekend with those you Love. Thanks for reading and listening to my nonsensical ramblings about whatever. Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease...and this one's for Filly...who is SUCH an X-Files nerd.

That's not going to help, Mulder...but I understand.


JLee said...

I think Katy Perry should kiss Lindsey Lohan. Good choice since she's gone lesbo these days. I couldn't believe that story about Duchovney, but then again, he used to do those racy "Red Shoe Diaries" movies.
Happy 400th!

$teve said...

Yeah, the more I think about the Katy/Lindsay thing (and believe me, I do) the more I like it.

As for Mulder, I've mentioned before on the blog that I think that Rehab is the next destination for celebrities...and just a way to promote new projects dropping the the following weeks...and this very well may just confirm my suspicions. :)

Alisa said...

Happy 400 episodes... I don't have much of a feel (ha!) for this Katy Perry but first instinct is a more manly girl to countergirl how feminine she looks at least in the picture, like Pink or something? Or Kelly Clarkson? Or maybe someone more sophisticated like Kate Bosworth then you have Kate and Katy and that spells a nice headline on all of the star mags.

I agree with this rehab being a ploy... wow the media controls us. Robots and gynecology DON'T mix! Ahhhh!

$teve said...

I agree. I know when I reach "that age" and they're...well, checking with the fingers "back there", the last thing that I want is RoboCop checking my prostate. A creepy robotic voice saying "Just relax...and give in to...the Probeulex 5000." Yeah, relaxation wouldn't happen.

As for Katy's "situation", I've thought about it a little bit...and if you're looking for manly and sophisticated...I think Hillary Clinton should get some publicity. I know Bill would like it too. That...could be hot.

Where Should I Go Next?