Thursday, November 10, 2011

Man Eating Super Snake

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The past few days haven’t been very eventful per se. I hung out with the roommates and watched TV a few nights, basketball season started for my work team & I’ve already been nicknamed $tevie Franchise because of my play our first game (we lost, but I did pretty damn good), started working on the backyard a bit… but that’s about it. It started getting really cold overnight too… but only by Bay Area standards, not Tahoe. Oh… Thursday night, I was flipping through the channels with the roommates and their friends… and we came across “Man Eating Super Snake” on Animal Planet… about African rock pythons in Florida… and how they may crossbreed with Burmese pythons to form a super snake. The intro stated that… and the roommates were instantly enthralled, so to save time, I brought them up to speed on $teve’s Apocalypse theory and mentioned a few things from my blog… and they seemed skeptical… until the show backed up just about everything I said… and then went a step further to add dramatizations of the stories I told about kids getting snatched up. Oh yeah… they watched the entire show. My message is spreading now… but more updates on that later.

My weekend was a little rainy so we didn’t get to fixing up the backyard… which probably worked out because Nurse’s family was in town. I got to hang with them a bit & they were a lot of fun. We also watched “Crazy Stupid Love” starring Steve Carell, Julianne Moore, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Kevin Bacon, & the ageless Marisa Tomei. It’s a romantic comedy about love & how crazy & stupid it is. More specific? Okay, a man (Carell) & wife (Moore) are getting a divorce, because she’s having an affair with a coworker (Bacon). He goes to a bar & meets this playa (Gosling) who teaches him that he just needs to dress nicer & have confidence to get back on the horse of dating. Meanwhile there’s the subplot with their 13 year old son & his hot 17 year old babysitter. You know what, just go watch the movie. It’s pretty good for a romantic comedy. I’d watch it again… but certainly not alone. That’s just dumb. A man who watches a romantic comedy by himself is a sad creature. By the way, please don’t read back on past entries to see if I’ve watched romantic comedies by myself… because I’m pretty sure I have… but I do it for you guys, so it’s okay, right? Right. Next…

I also had brunch with Bubbles at The Magic Flute, which was rated as the best brunch in San Francisco… and that’s quite a statement. The food was pretty good, we shared the salmon & hunter’s scrambles and crostini for appetizers. I highly recommend the place… but of course the reason for going there was to catch up on going-ons. We’ve basically decided that we’re going to try to set up Wednesday nights as a weekly occurrence when we meet up, go to a restaurant in different neighborhoods each week, catch up on gossip, make each other laugh a bit, have a drink or two, repeat next week. I like the idea. As to whether it’ll happen consistently we shall see… but I’m optimistic. I’m always down for trying new things… and it really helps when you have somebody to adventure with.

Monday night was softball night… and it wasn’t pretty. We were down 5-1 in the 5th and the other team, how do I put this? They weren’t the most sporting of opponents. They certainly weren’t the ladies & gentlemen that we were. There was some real sh*t talking and yes, even profanity from time to time. We won’t stand for that. Long story short, we rallied and won yet again, so next week is the championship. Thankfully I haven’t been playing much (because softball’s not my thang & I don’t want to be the weak link out there) but I’ve been a fantastic cheerleader (especially in the direction of the other team when we were rallying back… nothing bad, just REALLY loud). Afterwards, we went to Park 77 again and had some pizza & beers. This is always a good time for me to get to know my coworkers because frankly, I’m locked in the basement most of the day & don’t get to get out & see everybody… but it’s always good when I do. Let my personality shine, get to know each other… and frankly, most of the ladies that I work with… smokin’ hot. I know the phrase “Don’t sh*t where you eat” comes in to play… and that phrase always confused me because I don’t know what kind of fecophile stuff you’ve got going on in your bedroom… but still, great fun & great eye candy. Now the basketball team just needs more ladies…

Barbie Update – Speaking of things that I’ve predicted years ago coming to fruition, allow me to tell you a story. Back in high school, my mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas… and being a fairly independent soul, I said nothing but your Love… and maybe some new pants. Being the greatest mother ever, she insisted on more to add to the list… so in a fit of silliness, I said “I want a Gangsta B**ch Barbie” and then went on to describe that it was a very rare item, not unlike Tickle My Pickle Elmo & wished her luck in finding it. Well, a few months later, I opened a package to find… a custom made Gangsta B**ch Barbie… complete with tattoos, mini skirt, high heels, doo rag over blonde cornrows, a joint in her mouth & a gat in her purse. It was basically the greatest gift ever for a 16 year old straight boy, as you might imagine. Thanks mom! Remember this was 1997, so these views of women were very different from what they are today. Well, I guess I’m just ahead of my time… because now, there’s a new Barbie. But with pink hair and tattoos across her shoulders and neck, U.S. toymaker Mattel's latest collector's edition Barbie doll could be compared more to the edgy female heroine of “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” than to the more traditional Barbies. Since its release earlier this month online, the $50 (31 pound) limited edition doll designed by Los Angeles-based fashion company tokidoki and aimed at adult collectors, has sold out but not before causing controversy. "Is the New 'Tokidoki' Tattoo Barbie Inappropriate for Children?" the magazine U.S. News & World Report asked in a recent headline. Some parents in the United States also questioned whether the toy company that launched the original Barbie in 1959 should be promoting body art. "It's teaching kids to want tattoos before they are old enough to dress like that," Kevin Buckner, of Virginia, told a local television station. No one was available from Mattel to comment on the issue but not all the feedback has been negative. Some adults said the doll reflected modern fashion and pop culture (and of course $teve IS pop culture). "Have you seen Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry, Rihanna?" Candace Caswell, a 30-year-old mother from New York asked in an email interview, adding that the pop stars have tattoos and wear wigs and crazy clothes. "They are capturing a snapshot of pop culture the way it really is. Barbie is not raising my daughter. I am," she added… I’m assuming while giving “the look” to her computer screen while typing. For Heather Gately Stoll, of Colorado, tattoos are not the issue. "What is inappropriate for kids are her measurements," she said about the shapely doll. "If she can change personalities why can't she change her shape and size?" And while New York mother Sue Dennis would not spend $50 on the doll, she is not offended by it. "I have a 16 month-old son and the tokidoki Barbie is more the diverse image of women I would like to present to him versus more traditional ones," she said. The tokidoki Barbie is not the first to sport tattoos. In 2009, some stores pulled Mattel's Totally Stylin' Tattoos Barbie following complaints, and a year earlier Mattel collaborated with motorcycle manufacturer Harley Davidson to produce a Barbie with wings tattooed on her back. Production of tattooed Butterfly Art Barbie was halted in 1999 after parents voiced their concerns. Gayatri Bhalla, 41, of Washington D.C, who writes a blog about experiences for tween girls, sees it as a marketing issue. "On the one hand, the company likes to hold Barbie up as the iconic American toy for girls and use her to promote things that most parents wouldn't object to, such as Take Your Daughter To Work Day," she said. "But they also create Barbie in images that a lot of parents wouldn't choose to hold up as a role model for their young daughters, and a full-body tattooed doll falls into this camp." Check it out, I’ve got a solution. If you don’t like it, don’t f**king buy it. Go buy some of those stupid Bratz that are obviously teaching great values about shopping & makeup… or buy a baby that wets itself so that you can teach your daughter to be a teenage mother. Seriously, who cares? I do. Why? Because I was right. It’s not quite Gangsta B**ch Barbie… but you’re never going to get a name like that past the board. Perhaps… Fallen on Hard Times Barbie or… Urban Beauty Barbie … or my personal favorite, BWA (Barbie With Attitude). Keep an eye out for that one… crack baby sold separately.

Carmen Sandiego MOVIE? – Fresh off trying to pick up on a beautiful Carmen Sandiego this weekend, I get some pretty good news. Walden Media has picked up the live-action film rights to the classic educational game series turned animated show "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?" reports Deadline. An official synopsis is already out: "When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero?" Sounds kick ass, right? Well, there’s a twist. Walden plans to turn the property into a feature starring Jennifer Lopez as the title character, though at present J-Lo is attached to produce only alongside Benny Medina, Simon Fields, Nick Osbourne, Trevor Engelson and Devin Andre. The tone is said to be akin to "National Treasure" meets "The Thomas Crown Affair". Disney previously optioned the film rights to the property in the late 1990s and developed a version for Sandra Bullock, but that version never took off (thank God). In short, good news that Carmen may be hitting a big screen near you… and probably a few sequels. Bad news that it may be J-Lo playing her.

Now… for how $teve would turn this into a billion dollar grossing movie. I love the premise. Not making it too kiddy even though it’s based on an educational game & I think the National Treasure movies are PG, right? I’d go PG-13 because… is Carmen even on TV anymore? Anyway, solid PG-13. Switch it up so that Angelina Jolie is Carmen Sandiego… or if she won’t do it, go with Eva Mendes… or check this twist, don’t even reveal her face until near the end. How? “These are the last photos we have… but she may have had extensive plastic surgery since these were taken months ago…” Done. You know what, scrap that. Angelina… and her former partner who has to track her down? No, not Brad Pitt, that’s too easy… but there may have to be a romantic past involved… but I’m thinking a younger protégé kind of dynamic… so let’s go with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (you’re welcome) or Ryan Gosling or something, I don’t know. Whatever puts asses in seats nowadays. Anyway, story goes on… follow the clues… exotic locations… trivial knowledge… uncover the conspiracy… maybe she’s not a villain… and then the truth is revealed… she was trying to bring down a mysterious & elusive international kingpin of legendary status, with whom she is also romantically linked. How is this kingpin? Code name: Waldo… played of course by the remarkably talented acting debut of yours truly… and yes, I could totally pull off the Waldo as a suave Bond-like villain… even in candy cane striped silk from head to toe. You’re welcome, Hollywood!!! Though you’ll probably make it with J-Lo & Justin Bieber or something. Speaking of which…

Canadian Bieber in Jeopardy? – Teenager pop sensation Justin Bieber has denied allegations he fathered a child in a backstage bathroom and says he has never met the woman who filed the paternity suit against him. "To set the record straight, none of it is true," the teen heartthrob declared Friday during a brief appearance on NBC's "Today" show. As mobs of fans screamed adoringly in Rockefeller Plaza, Bieber called it "crazy" that anyone would make up such a story. "I know I'm going to be a target, but I'm never going to be a victim," Bieber told "Today" host Matt Lauer. "It's crazy, because every night after the show I've gone right from the stage right to my car. So it's crazy that some people want to make up such false allegations." Okay, I’m stepping in right here… and if this is true… I know there have been other rumors out there that Mr. Bieber prefers the company of… let’s say non-females. If he’s an international superstar… with millions of adoring & willing fans… and all he’s doing is going straight from his show to his car… I’m thinking that he & the Jonas Brothers are either full of sh*t or not living up to their potential. Regardless, I’m getting away from the subject at hand. The paternity suit was filed in San Diego Superior Court by Mariah Yeater earlier this week. She had just turned 19 when she says she and Bieber, then 16, had a brief sexual encounter after one of the singer's concerts last fall at Los Angeles' Staples Center… and for some reason, she alleges that it was in a backstage bathroom as opposed to, I don’t know, a dressing room or limo or hotel suite or anything else. Interesting. She said she gave birth to a boy in July and believes Bieber is the father because there were no other possible men she had sex with at that time. That is… unless she was drunk & just banged a guy who looked like or said that he was Justin Bieber… but who would do such a thing? Answer: Somebody who looks like Justin Bieber to a drunk 19-year old. Asked if he knows Yeater, Bieber told Lauer, "Never met the woman." Yeater is asking a judge for child support and a paternity test. A hearing is scheduled for Dec 15th. Her lawyer has described her as a stay-at-home mother who is looking for adequate child support if a paternity test determines Bieber is the father. Meanwhile, in an obvious twist to this whole situation, Los Angeles police have said Yeater could be investigated for having had sex with a minor. It's illegal in California to have sex with someone under age 18. If the other person is not more than three years older, it is a misdemeanor, which carries up to a one-year jail sentence. Along with knocking down rumors, Bieber's appearance was apparently timed to the release of a Christmas album. "It's hard to record a Christmas album in September," he said. Do I really need to start a conspiracy about the timing of these allegations? No? Good, because that’s not what’s important here. What IS important… you know what, I have no idea what it even is. Is Justin a baby daddy? Unlikely, but possible. Is the baby mama lying? Likely… but short of a spot on Maury Povich, I don’t see this playing out much further. Why does anybody care about Justin Bieber? That’s the real mystery.

Canadian Beaver in Jeopardy? – You have to love politicians. Instead of doing real work, a Canadian senator has launched a campaign to replace the industrious beaver with the indomitable polar bear as Canada's national emblem, saying the incumbent is "a dentally defective rat." Conservative Senator Nicole Eaton delivered her damning criticism in the Senate last week, noting that the beavers wreak havoc on the dock at her waterfront cottage every summer. Now, for the moment, just forget that some spoiled b**ch is complaining about something at her waterfront summer cottage & listen to her argument. "A country's symbols are not constant and can change over time. The polar bear, with its strength, courage, resourcefulness and dignity is perfect for the part." My counterpoint: If polar bears were so resourceful, don’t you think they’d have built a new place to live since we’ve destroyed their ice caps. Check. And. Mate. The beaver became Canada's only official national animal in 1975. Why? Trade in the beaver pelts, used to make fashionable fur hats, drove European expansion in North America in the 1600s and early 1700s. So it’s only fitting that some 300 years later, the animals are honored for their sacrificed skins for the better benefit of the nation. Much like we would do for the mighty buffalo if eagles weren’t so f**king cool & Americans invented flight (THAT’S WRIGHT, I SAID IT!!!). Eaton said the ever-busy dambuilders are now nuisance, but avoided mentioning another gnawing problem with the emblem: In modern times, its name is slang for female genitals (GASP!!! Since when?). Last year The Beaver, one of Canada's oldest magazines, re-christened itself Canada's History, complaining that its emails and newsletters were being blocked by internet filters. The magazine said market research showed younger Canadians and women were not interested in buying the publication because of its name (“No, seriously. I do read it for the articles… there’s a great one about the founding of Montreal. Will you PLEASE just LOOK AT IT?”). As for Eaton's proposed replacement, Keith Stewart, a climate change campaigner with Greenpeace Canada, was skeptical. "You have a Conservative senator proposing to replace the beaver with the polar bear as the symbol of Canada, yet her government's climate policy would appear to do everything possible to wipe our polar bears by the end of the century," he said. Stewart said the debate was a distraction… but he was too late… because I had already pointed that out earlier this paragraph. So what do you think? Should Canada change its national animal from a hard-working & resilient (as well as tight-fitting) beaver… to a homeless minority of the bear community? That’s what I thought. Now for some real animal news that threatens all of those around you…

Apocalypse Update: Utah – With just over a year until the foretold end of the Mayan calendar, I bring you a trilogy of updates in the Apocalyptic future of the world. For more, feel free to refer to these other entries from years past. You’re welcome. Now, they’re going straight for my hometown. Four young rattlesnakes found in the span of a week in a building at Weber State University have officials scaling back operations until it's deemed safe for workers to return. The Receiving and Distribution Center — in the foothills of the great city of Ogden, birthplace of the awesomeness that is $teve — houses printing operations and mail services and is not frequented by students, said campus spokesman John Kowalewski. A young rattlesnake found at Weber State University's campus is among four found in the span of a week. WSU officials are taking precautions. Still, workers who stumbled upon the young rattlers last week are unnerved and questioning if more of the reptiles may have found their way inside the building. "At first, I thought it was a fake," said mail center employee Brad Colby, describing his Oct. 24 encounter with one. "Then it moved and I was dumbfounded." The foot-long snake was on a landing at the top of the stairs in the building, which had some doors propped open because of the unseasonably warm daytime temperatures last week, he said. By the way, snowing there now. That’s Utah weather for ya. Colby said he thought it may have been a garter snake, but when it coiled up in a corner, a co-worker told him it was a rattler. "I just hate snakes," he said, probably in an effeminate voice. "I didn't care what it was." Colby's discovery was the second of its type, with two more snakes found in the days to follow. Kowalewski said three of the snakes were safely captured and removed, while a fourth was killed… I’m sure it was self defense. A reptile expert was on campus Wednesday afternoon to determine if any more snakes remain and to assist campus officials in preventing a possible return. "What we have discovered quickly is that we are not experts on reptiles or rattlesnakes," Kowalewski said. Mail service employees were sent home early Wednesday and only a few printing press operators remain to finish up a job (aka the MEN!!!). Weber State, he added, will wait for the all-clear before employees return. "First and foremost we are concerned about the safety and health of our employees in that building," he said. Arlo Wing, a wildlife specialist with the state Division of Wildlife Resources, points out that rattlesnakes are a protected and misunderstood species and if all possible, appropriate agencies should be contacted for a safe removal. "They do a lot of good for the environment. We do recognize there can be conflicts with public safety, but their benefits outweigh a lot of the negative connotations that many people have about them." What does that mean? Now the snakes have human conspirators assisting them. Misunderstood? Good for the environment? Who the f**k does this guy think he is fooling? Anyway, back to the story. It's likely that changing temperatures are among the factors contributing to the rattlesnake issue on campus, added another division employee. "It's not surprising to me at all that there would be rattlesnakes there," said Phil Douglass, pointing to the building's location next to the mountains. "You get them even further down in town." Douglass, the state's conservation outreach manager, said they may also be looking for a suitable place to bunk down for the winter. Once snakes pick a place, they can be hard tenants to evict, he said. "Telling a snake where to go is a little bit like sweeping the tide back with a broom. They are going to be where they are going to be." Yup… and they’ve decided that Earth is where they’re going to be… ALL OF IT!!! Sure, now it’s just a few of our homes, maybe the occasional post office or police station is under direst, not a big deal, right? We’re human beings! We have whole armies that we can finance to protect those of us who aren’t willing to fight… even from nature itself. Oh really?

Apocalypse Update: Spain - Most of us dread visiting a cash machine at one time or another. It’s usually a hassle, homeless people & charities camp out there guilting you into donations, maybe you’re just broke & don’t want anybody to know about it, and we’re all just kind of waiting for the day that we can download cash to our phones. But instead of being shocked by the state of his bank balance, one customer in Spain was surprised to be dispensed a vicious snake along with his cash. The middle-aged man had stopped at the ATM to pick up some quick cash… and BAM!!! Snake attack!!! The video on the link shows a police officer taunting the snake with his baton. Eventually the manager was able to free the snake by activating the machine from the inside. It was then put into a box and taken to a shelter… where if they were smart, they tortured it to find out the locations of other insurgent serpents & their BIG plans for world domination. Police have not ruled out the possibility that someone may have put the reptile in the cash machine for a prank. However, as the ATM is in a rural area it is feasible the snake got there on its own accord. Chil’ please! You & I both know this was a blatant attack. Forget Class Warfare! These power-hungry pythons are going straight to Phylum Warfare! (Tehehe, sometimes I think I’m the only one who loves my nerdy science jokes) Anything with arms or legs, attack! They’re also trying to cut off our money supply… so that we can no longer finance our armies. My gods, these bastardly boas are clever! The moral of the story… never leave your house without your machete. Why? I’d rather you had it & not need it… then for you to need it & not have one. Stopping by 7-Eleven after work to grab a steak & pepper jack taquito, grab some cash for the weekend, then SURPRISE!!! African rock python tries to turn you into a Big Gulp. “There’s too many mutha f**kin’ snakes in my mutha f**kin’ convenience store!” A single swing sends the surprising serpent’s scaly skull spiraling skyward. That’s decapitation AND alliteration, Holmes! Anyway, no need to thank me, just pay it forward. Added bonus to the machete, you ALWAYS get a seat on the bus. “Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here?” “F**k no! Take the whole bench, this is my stop.”

That will do it for today. Hopefully we get the internet soon so that I can get these things out more regularly. Lots of pictures with the Vegas trip looming & hopefully by the time you’re reading this, you’ve seen the Halloween pics from the past few years. Have a great night everybody!!!

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