With Special Guest Hannah Montana

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I worked late helping another department...so not much happened other than I meet some more people and trying to learn to pronounce French foods. Doing it again tonight, so we'll go right into the news today...

When Good Love Goes Bad - The Detroit Free Press reports police in suburban Detroit responded to a call Thursday by a man who handcuffed his wife to their bed but misplaced the key. Dearborn police used a universal key to free the woman. Sgt. Ray Patrick calls the situation "more of an intimate relationship than an unlawful imprisonment." Who knew? There IS something fun to do in Detroit. Please let this be a warning to all of us kinks out there. If you're going to handcuff somebody to the bed, make sure that you put the key in a safe place…or at least have a really good bolt cutter. On that note, please make sure that your countertops are clean of sharp or sand-like objects, your walls are free of nails or hangers, your mirrors and windows can sustain a smack of fiery passion, your swings and curtain rods are securely fastened to a ceiling beam, not just the particle board, you've vacuumed your rugs and carpeting since you hung up Christmas decorations, your shower has sufficient non-slick surface to sustain your activities (and might I recommend including handles, a seat and an adjustable showerhead like an accessible shower at a hotel), and please make sure that your dining room and/or coffee tables are sturdy…even if you may have put on a few pounds for the Holidays. That's about all the safety tips that I can think of on a moment's notice…and if you need assistance in carpentry or testing out any of these, please let me know…and I'll be right over with my tool kit, chocolate, whipped cream and a bottle of wine. Oh wait, there was one more…

Leave the Toilet Seat Up - One of the longest-running spousal debates may now be settled in favor of men...and for the sake of little boys. Leave the toilet seat up, some British doctors now say. The reason: a rising trend for heavy wooden and ornamental toilet seats to fall down onto the penises of unsuspecting (and just potty-trained) toddlers. Dr. Joe Philip and his colleagues of Leighton Hospital, Crewe, in England detail such penis-crush injuries in the December issue of the journal BJU International (Dang, I should've gone to BJU for college. Just think of the curriculum). The team reports on four boys between the ages of 2 and 4 who were admitted to hospitals with injuries serious enough to require an overnight stay. The doctors say the injuries have implications for holiday travel and at-home toilet safety for parents with male toddlers. "As Christmas approaches many families will be visiting relatives and friends and their recently toilet-trained toddlers will be keen to show how grown-up they are by going to the toilet on their own. It is important that parents check out the toilet seats in advance, not to mention the ones they have in their own homes, and accompany their children if necessary." The team found that all four toddlers had been potty trained and were using the toilet on their own when the incidents occurred. Each had lifted the toilet seat, which fell back down and crushed his penis. Three of the toddlers showed a build-up of fluid in the foreskin, but they were still able to urinate. The fourth had so-called glandular tenderness (blue balls…get used to it, buddy). Luckily, the doctors say, the toddlers showed no injuries to the urethra (the tube in the penis that carries urine out) and no bleeding. All four toddlers were able to leave the hospital the next day. Oh…and this purtains to the previous paragraph because leaving the toilet seat up allows easier access use of the facilities for both sexes…and guys don't be afraid to sit down if needed…because as you know, post-coital urination can be more of a spray than a spritz…and always clean up after yourself. It's just common courtesy…and can inhibit the spread of germs…which is why you wore the jimmy hat in the first place, right?

By the way, have I ever told you guys why I always put the toilet seat down…or at least do a vast majority of the time (I've actually been trying to kick the habit, believe it or not)? No? I know a few of you out there know the story…and now that I searched, I found where I mentioned it over a year ago…but basically it was a stupid 80's horror flick called "Ghoulies" which had this poster…and seeing it when I was about two years old at my local gas station's VHS rental section, just made me a little scared to sit on the pot. That's how you train a man - Fear!!! Put the seat down…or else. Now British doctors are saying to leave the seat up…or else. You can see how this might be confusing to a child who's just trying to work out the other details. "Okay, so I poop THEN wipe? Hmm, that makes sense. Oh yeah…and no finger painting."

Urine for a Surprise - Since this blog quickly went from sexy to filthy (it does that), I thought I'd throw in this little news nugget. In Willmar, Minnesota, a 50-year-old man who told authorities he was fed up with teens toilet-papering his house decided to defend his property...with a squirt gun filled with fox urine. Now, Scott Wagar is in trouble with the law. Wagar pleaded not guilty on Wednesday in Kandiyohi County District Court to misdemeanor assault and other charges. He was released on personal recognizance. According to police, Wagar was on his property September 16th when he used night vision goggles to see 15-20 people running toward his place. He told police that he told them to leave, swore at them and sprayed them with the fox urine. He also allegedly struggled with one of the teens. A phone message left at a home listing for a Scott Wagar was not immediately returned to The Associated Press…probably because he was hiding in the bushes with his squirt gun and night vision goggles…just in case those young whipper-snappers came back for more. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with when doing this. I mean…there's an element of danger with squirt guns in Minnesota this time of year because of the stream turning into ice in mid air, thus becoming a deadly arrow-like peesicle…but that's about it. Oh yeah, the struggling with a kid. Come on now, there was up to twenty of them. That must have been the slow, sick or injured one…like the gazelle that gets caught by the cheetah out of the herd. I hate to side with the grumpy man…but I have to. Those kids were TP'ing his house. It's not like they were coming to repaint his fence or something…and he just went mad with crazy rage and started spraying. He had night vision goggles for goodness sake. Besides all this talk about Fox urine only makes me think about one Fox I'd like to be in…but she's still with Brian Austin Green. Sigh...

Miley Cyrus Dream - Okay, stop right there. It's not what you think…at all. Here's how it went down. I’m asleep…and dreaming away. The part that I vividly remember is I'm driving a truck or van or something, a large vehicle…and riding shotgun is Miley Cyrus…and in the backseat is my mom & stepdad (he's sleeping of course). We're driving along a road (I think that I recognized from Roy, Utah) and Miley's talking on & on in her high-pitched teenage voice with a Texas accent or something (does she have an accent in real life?) and I’m not even sure what she was talking about…and then I think "Now's my chance to talk to Miley Cyrus about my…objection to her movie career." So I wait for a second when she has to take a breath…and therefore stop talking and then I say, "Miley, I'm sorry, I really have to let you know something. I REALLY don't like the idea of remaking Adventures in Babysitting. Seriously, it just…doesn't need to happen…ever. It's not that I don't think that you're a good actress slash singer slash future schizophrenic washed-up has-been or anything…but I just don't think that it needs to be made. It's like remaking the Sistine Chapel…or the Parthenon…or Uncle Buck." Yes, I compared Uncle Buck to the Sistine Chapel in a dream.

Well, she laughed and replied with a Texan draw, "I know what you mean. When they first asked me about it, I thought it was a stupid idea too. I loved that movie as a kid." "How old are you again?" "Good point…but still, as a littler kid. The thing is…then I talked with the director and my daddy (good ol' Billy Ray) and other people and they explained the details to me…and then I read the script and it was really good…and then I heard that Raven was going to be in it too…and I started thinking that it might be a great thing for me to be a part of. That being said…I didn't decide to do it…until I slept on it and asked God what I should do…and I woke up with a great feeling and excited about being a part of this movie." "Wow! Now that you put it that way, how can I go against the will of God? I do the same thing whenever I have a tough decision to make. I understand now. You've converted me, Miss Cyrus." "Please, call me Hann…ugh, Miley." "Sure thing, Hannah Miley. Don't worry, you'll work out those demons some day and just be Miley again." It was about this time where I was trying to make a left turn to get on the freeway on-ramp when I heard my mom from the backseat, "$teve, what're you doing? Go straight through this light." "Mom, we're trying to go South, that's this way." "Trust me, I know where we're going (which she would never really say…because she knows as well as everybody else does that her sense of direction is lacking)." "Mom, I seriously think that…" "Quick, the light's green." So I check the mirrors and merge over and go straight through the light. "Hmm nice, okay mom, only a few hundred miles to Canada…because we're heading in the completely wrong direction of Las Vegas." "Well why did you take that direction then?" "(Sigh) To prove a point? I don't know. Why are you giving directions from the backseat? Take a nap or something. Love ya mom." (Whisper to Miley) "Don't worry, you'll probably have to deal with Alzheimer's with your dad too. You'll have to remind him why he has an achy breaky heart." She laughed like a giddy school girl…and then the dream kind of faded away. So there you have it. I'm not so dead set against the Further Adventures in Babysitting now…because a hallucinated manifestation of Miley Cyrus appeared to me in a dream and said that she did her research and consulted God before taking on the project. Who are you calling a psycho?

Well, that'll do it for today. I had another pretty vivid dream last night...but it was a little kooky and frantic...and not really interesting, so I'm going to keep that one with me. Why do I even mention it? I don't know. It's just been a while since I had these dreams that I could remember...and I'm always glad to share...just in case somebody wants to psychoanalyze me for a change. Have a great weekend everybody!!!