Tuesday, December 23, 2008

500 Rants & Counting

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, today's a milestone of sorts. This is my 500th entry into the blogosphere. It seems like only last year I started this thing because…well, I was really bored and needed to at least look like I was busy at work…and as luck would have it, this thing entertained a few people so it served another purpose. Now, the lovely Alisa suggested that I celebrate my 500th post by listing 500 reasons why I blog or 500 things that I want for Christmas…but that sounds like a whole lot of work of stretching my imagination…and a lot of girls names, which would only frustrate me & probably bore you. So I thank you for the suggestion Alisa…but perhaps another time. I did however remember a few months ago when I did this whole Search thing to see how many posts mention certain people, places, and things…and I thought that I'd run that thing again. Here are some of the updated results, showing how many mentions in 500 posts.

Mom - 188
Bubbles - 162
$teve - 154
Dad - 142
JL Clyde - 111
The Mad Scientist - 73
Wingman - 71
Jesus - 71
Mookie - 60
Lilie - 54
Kairi (my niece) - 50
Foxy / Box Girl - 45
Adriana - 36
Vinny (my nephew) - 34
Angelina - 34
Elvis - 34
Milla - 25
Kiel (my brother) - 24
Lindsay - 22
Bone Junior - 21
Spitsofrantic - 21
Alisa / Laquesse - 19
Megan Fox - 18

Conclusion: It's finally happened. This blog has become more about my mom and my hot friend Bubbles than myself. It was only a matter of time, I suppose. Kudos to JL Clyde for moving up the ranks…and the Mad Scientist for being mentioned more than Jesus. Thanks for the Christmas present last year…of the Jesus action figure.

Vegas - 180
Utah - 150
Denver - 86
Europe - 72
Slick City - 68
Texas - 48
New Orleans - 42
San Diego - 39
Philadelphia - 36
St. Louis - 24
Seattle - 24
Detroit - 20
Memphis - 17
Amsterdam - 17
$tevonia - 6

Conclusion: No surprise that Vegas won out in the end…because there was about six months there were it was mentioned every day. The first time I did this, Denver was mentioned four times…and now it's up to 86. Wonder how that happened. Oh yeah, I live here now. Texas was a little surprising…but then again, I do mention a lot of stupid news stories.

Love - 370
Family - 264
Sex - 131
Basketball - 126
Dreams - 118
Peace - 84
Chicken - 81
Panda - 76
Cookie - 60
Bacon - 42
Breasts - 38
Pancakes - 22
Sexbots - 21

Conclusion: Glad that Sex finally passed Basketball and Dreams…but no surprise that Love & Family are the top two. Anyway, that's the numbers as they currently stand. Now let's get to some interesting news bits…

Caviar for the Homeless - Again, the Italians are showing us up. Down-and-outs and hard up pensioners in Milan will enjoy a rare Christmas treat this year: choice beluga caviar confiscated from traffickers. Italian police seized over 40 kg (88 lb) of the delicacy, worth some 400,000 Euros ($558,300), from two men who last month smuggled it into the country from Poland for sale in the shops of Milan and the rest of the wealthy Lombardy region. The head of the local forest police (Robin Hood?) who carried out the raid kept the bounty in barrack fridges for several weeks, but realized it would soon go bad. "Tests showed us the food was still perfectly OK to eat but it couldn't be stored much longer, so we decided to give it to the poor," Juri Mantegazza told Milan daily Corriere della Sera. A small amount of the sturgeons' eggs have been kept for further analysis while the rest has been sent to voluntary associations, charity kitchens and old people's homes. "Everything that comes our way is very welcome, even though most of our guests don't even know what those little black balls are," said Virginio Colmega, a priest who helps run the House of Charity in Milan. So this holiday season is going to be a little special for those patrons…but yeah, honestly…I'm not sure if I would trust beluga caviar that was served to me in a soup line either. Then again, I wouldn't trust it at a family reunion either. I've tried caviar on multiple occasions…and I just don't see what the big deal is. I'd actually prefer some good ol' Wisconsin cheese on my cracker. Maybe it's like modern art…and I just don't get it.

China's Most Popular Animal - IS NOT A PANDA??? According to a recent survey, a pig that survived 36 days buried in the rubble of May's massive Sichuan earthquake has been voted China's favorite animal...but the attention has made him fat, lazy and bad-tempered, state media said. The hog, trapped in a sty after the 7.9 magnitude quake, was bought by a local businessman who was moved by its ordeal and named "Zhu Jianqiang," or "Strong Pig." It survived by eating charcoal and drinking rainwater. Now it has been voted top of an online poll of animals "who moved China" this year, the weekend edition of the China Daily said. Other top animals included a dog that guarded its elderly owner when he was sick and accompanied him to hospital, and a cat that almost died of grief when its partner was run over by a car. The pig "vividly illustrated the spirit of never giving up," the report cited the webmasters who ran the poll as saying. People come from all over to see the pig at its new home in a museum...but it was becoming increasingly spoiled and ungrateful. "It's gotten fatter and lazier by the day. We used to take it out for a walk every morning and afternoon, but it's too lazy -- and too fat -- to do it." And the pig is getting fed up with visitors, after initially being quite friendly. "Now it just blocks the door to its bedroom when there are too many visitors outside. It's been increasingly difficult for us to convince it to open the door." I still can't believe that Pandas weren't even in the top three…but then again, if it's about "who moved China" then it makes sense. Speaking of fat & lazy, most of those giant raccoons don't have the drive to bow chicka bow wow in a perfectly situated environment with a willing partner while having porn playing in the background to save their species. I'm pretty sure there's even a fluffer nearby. What else do you need? Frankly, I'm a little frustrated…and I came up with the panda porn idea years ago. Maybe this drop in distinction will help them to straighten up (boioioioing) and get to reproducing. As for Strong Pig, you are bacon to me. Stubborn, heroic, crispy bacon.

Sexbot Update - A new household robot created in Japan is capable of rinsing the dishes in the sink before neatly lining them up in the dishwasher and pressing the start button for the washing cycle. The multi-jointed robot arm, created by scientists the University of Tokyo with the electronics company Panasonic, is one of a series of prototype devices designed to perform household chores. Fitted with 18 delicate sensors, the kitchen assistant robot (KAR) is able to grasp delicate china and cutlery without dropping or breaking them in a palm-like device. Using its internal camera along with the sensors, the robot is able to determine the shapes and sizes of dirty dishes and utensils placed in the sink before picking them up and loading them in the dishwasher. Scientists have set a target of creating a smaller and lighter robot which will be able to load the dirty plates and cooking utensils of a family of four into the dishwasher in just five minutes. The robot will be available for sale in five years, with scientists also promising to tackle other household chores with the creation of devices capable of performing disliked activities such as the laundry. As home to one of the world's fastest ageing populations, Japan is experiencing a boom in robotic developments, with the market currently estimated at about $4 billion and poised to boom to $50 billion by 2030, according to the Japan Robot Association (of course). A growing number of companies are investing heavily in the future of household robotics, many of which are designed to assist daily life for the elderly as well as the infirm. How is this a Sexbot Update? Instead of "loading the dishwasher" meaning getting the wife drunk, you can utilize that time for more…important things. See, Sexbots aren't just about robots that you can have sex with…but also about robots making it possible for you to have more sex…like a cybernetic wingman. Not convinced, well then how about this next story?

The G Chip - Researchers at Oxford University say a brain implant will one day stimulate pleasure centers for people who have trouble enjoying sex and otherwise experiencing pleasure, according to a UK news report. The sex chip, as it's been dubbed, would stimulate a part of the brain called the orbitofrontal cortex, targeting a joyless condition called anhedonia. A device along the same lines has been used already to treat Parkinson's disease but a workable implant for stimulating orgasms is said to be a decade away because for now the surgery is too crude and intrusive. Researcher Tipu Aziz says, "When the technology is improved, we can use deep brain stimulation in many new areas. It will be more subtle, with more control over the power so you may be able to turn the chip on and off when needed." Off? Some of you might recall the orgasmatron, a fictional electromechanical device in Woody Allen's 1973 movie "Sleeper" or of course Barberella's Orgasmatron…or maybe Trey Parker superhero Orgazmo's Orgasmaray. They may have been rather impractical, being a large cylinder that a hopeful couple had to climb into…but they're working on it. As is often the case, sci-fi precedes real science…but for more spontaneous joy, bionic implants are perhaps the preferred method over walk-in cylinders. On that front, there is precedent. U.S. Dr. Stuart Meloy, working on a way to treat chronic pain, stumbled on a real-world orgasmatron that involves sticking an electrode into a woman's spine. "When we turned on the power in this case, she let out a moan and began hyperventilating," Meloy said on ABC's "Good Morning America" back in 2004. "Of course we cut the power and I looked around the drapes and asked her what was going on. Once she caught her breath, she said 'You're gonna have to teach my husband how to do that!'" Meloy's device requires surgical insertion and costs about $3,000 today. Hot! So you see, science is in the process of helping us all get our freak on…and before you know it we'll be putting little halos on our head, sitting cross-legged in the middle of a room having sex like in "Demolition Man." The science of sex is pretty basic. Stimulate the right spots at the right time and BOOM!!! What makes it more incredible is of course all the build-up, the sense of connection with your partner, maybe the rockin' somebody's world the good old fashioned way…but there's a thin line between getting your rocks off and being addicted to orgasms. Honestly, if you had a button somewhere that when you pushed it, BOOM!!! Wouldn't you just spend all day double-clicking it? Well, here's the great thing, ladies. You do…and if you need help finding it, it's one of the many services that I render. I even sing…and will write little songs for you, say sweet things, rub your back, read poetry and am more than willing to pull your hair and smack your ass too. Let's see a computer chip to that.

Well, now that I've reached that point in the entry, I guess I'll call it a day. I hope that everybody's having a wonderful holiday season and has great plans for Christmas over the next few days. Can't wait to see all of you in Utah again. Still can't believe I've done 500 of these things. Weird. Oh well, it all happens for a reason. Just waiting for my big paycheck because somebody thinks I'm clever and wants me to write a book. Have a great day everybody!!!

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