$teve Gets American All Over Your Asses

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Before I get American all over your asses (in my own bipartisan schizophrenic way), I am truly sad to say that a legend has passed away. The immortal image and eternal spirit of the great Bettie Page passed on yesterday at the tender age of 85. During the 1950's, she was the secretary-turned-model who's controversial and provocative pictures caused a massive stir in Congress during that time…but ultimately was a major forerunner to the sexual revolution of the swingin' 60's while the Southern Belle herself went on to devote her life to God and has done so for the last half-century. Something that Miss Page & I have in common, she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I have yet to be diagnosed…but that can't really happen unless you go to a doctor, now can it? Miss Page was placed on life support last week after suffering a heart attack in Los Angeles and never regained consciousness, said her agent, Mark Roesler. He said he and Page's family agreed to remove life support. Before the heart attack, Page had been hospitalized for three weeks with pneumonia. Roesler went on to say, "She captured the imagination of a generation of men and women with her free spirit and unabashed sensuality. She is the embodiment of beauty." Agreed. Even the Man himself, Hugh Hefner had to say, "I think that she was a remarkable lady, an iconic figure in pop culture who influenced sexuality, taste in fashion, someone who had a tremendous impact on our society. She was a very dear person." Indeed it seems her story was one of unexpected fame & stardom…and then running away from the public eye to avoid the fall of many of her fellow icons of the 50's and 60's like Marilyn, James Dean and…well, basically every rock star of that era. If you ever want to see a good flick about her story, check out "The Notorious Bettie Page" with Gretchen Mol as the lead. It's really really good…and if that's not enough, there's nudity too. Yay nudity!!! Our hearts and prayers go out to Miss Page's family. This is truly a tragedy.

Okay, sorry about that. Time to cheer it up a bit. Last night, I went to my department's Holiday Party and it was fantastic. The home that hosted us was amazing, everybody brought great food for the potluck (I brought my pumpkin chocolate chip cookies to rave reviews), and there was plenty of good wine. I even got me a gift card for Best Buy (still no word on when I'll get my projector TV back) so I'm thinking that it may go towards "The Dark Knight" or maybe put towards gifts for others. I'm not a huge gift guy. I'd much rather just spend time with my family & friends and hug it out than exchange gifts that will probably just be thrown away later in the year…or the next time they move. Still, this party was a lot of fun…and I found out that not only are about half of my coworkers in the same apartment building…but one of them is actually my neighbor. "Oh, so you're the one making all the noise in the evenings?" "Hahahaha, (whispered) I wish…" Good times. Now for me to get political all over your ass...

Illinois Shenanigans - So I guess if you've seen the news recently, you've heard about the Governor of Illinois ALLEGEDLY trying to sell off the Senate seat left by Barack Obama to the highest bidder. Now, think about it for a second. He's trying to save the government, the state of Illinois, and its taxpayers a LOT of money…and stimulate the economy. Elections are expensive. Sure, I guess you could have another election…with absolutely no time for debate or campaigning or anything like that…and with staffing the poll offices, counting the votes, booking the meeting space for acceptance speeches and what-have-you and basically waste a lot of money…to take care of something that can be done in an auction format with the exact same people in the running. Is it legal? I'm not a lawyer. Would it be a great way to stimulate some money for the underfunded schools in the area? You betcha. Is it a nice way for Governor Rod Blagojevich to settle away for an early retirement? No doubt. So I guess the real gripes are…that he got caught…because it's not like this stuff happens all the time anyway, right? And he wasn't going to share the wealth of his success with the townspeople. Here's the catch though, do they really have any evidence to convict him of wrong doing? I mean…sure they have some tapes of him saying that he's going to sell off the seat…but he doesn't actually DO anything. It could be interesting…but because it's politics, it's probably really not. I just love how I read an article the other day…and allegedly the Governor was so open about what he was doing, saying something along the lines of "This is hot sh*t. If they wanna get this seat, they're going to have to play ball. I've gotta make some money off this thing." Sorry I don't have the exact quotes because I can't find the article…but it's surprisingly close to this street-wise hustler verbiage. The only one I could find was "I can drive a hard bargain. You hear what I'm saying. And if I don't get what I want and I'm not satisfied with it, then I'll just take the Senate seat myself. (A Senate seat) is a (expletive) valuable thing, you just don't give it away for nothing." I mean…as Governor I think he only makes $100,000 a year (I know, tear, right?) but a seat in the Senate, I'm not sure what the market is for that…but I'm guessing AT LEAST seven digits, maybe eight…or nine if you really know how to sell it.

I also love how everybody on TV (by which I mean elected officials and pundits, so hardly anybody) is saying that Abraham Lincoln would be ashamed…because Illinois is the state where he was born & raised…and to see this happen, for shame. Look, leave Lincoln out of this. Sure, it's a horrible thing to see American democracy dying because of corruption and greed…but Lincoln saw all of it back in his day too…and what did he do? Make it all the way to the White House. Do you think he has any skeletons in his closet that have been hidden through the years by the writers of history books a.k.a. the winners? Don’t get me wrong. I dig Lincoln and think he's definitely one of the greatest Presidents of all and an inspiration for generations to come. I'm just saying…if he saw the events of today, he'd be a little more distracted by the gigantic buildings, shiny lights, television, and the magic of cellular phones. "This shiny rock seems to be talking to me. IT'S A WITCH!!!" My buddy B is an expert on Lincoln…and I think that he'd agree. Then again, I have a vivid imagination…allegedly. Besides, I feel that somebody has to take Blagojevich's side. Even if somewhat sarcastically.

Spitzer Update - I know I usually don't talk about politics at all…but I thought you might like to know this too. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who resigned earlier this year over his involvement in a prostitution ring, will write a column for online magazine Slate.com about the economy and financial regulation. The column, which will ironically be called "The Best Policy" will appear every other week, Slate Group Editor Jacob Weisberg told Reuters in an interview. The first column, which is appearing Wednesday evening, will deal with the financial crisis and Spitzer's opinion that the United States should not recreate financial institutions that are considered "too big to fail," Weisberg said. Spitzer, who stepped down as governor in March during a scandal over his connection to a $1,000-an-hour prostitute, previously served as New York attorney general and became known for cracking down on financial crimes and prostitution (oh yeah). His nickname among many became "The Sheriff of Wall Street." "He was the de facto national regulator of the financial industry," Weisberg said. "I think he just has a keen understanding and a shrewd perspective on those issues." Slate, which is owned by The Washington Post Co, did not hire Spitzer just because of the notoriety he gained this year over his connection to the prostitution ring. "This is something that we would want him to write about even if he'd never been governor." So I guess this publicity is just a great extra. I don't know though. I'm not too sure about taking financial advice from a guy who was paying $1000-an-hour for a female sexual psychologist…and not even have a doctor-patient confidentiality clause in there. Then again, perhaps he has learned from his mistakes…or maybe he just has some loans to pay off and Slate's the only company hiring right now. Who knows the man's motives? The point is…he's employed again. Kudos Mr. Spitzer. Don’t let the Man keep you down. Become the Man…then get taken down…then capitalize on your popularity with an online format. It beats joining the Surreal Life on VH1. Oh yeah, it wasn't disclosed how much he's going to get paid…but I guarantee that it's more than I'm making.

Isn't Honesty "The Best Policy"? - To change gears real quick, we're going to mention a story about Honesty. A Murfreesboro, Tennessee woman says she returned $97,000 she claims to have found in a Cracker Barrel restroom, but police said Tuesday they have no report of the find. 75-year-old Billie Watts told The Daily News Journal that she discovered the money inside a tapestry bag hanging from a hook on a stall door last Thursday…but five days later, the money and its anonymous owner remain something of a mystery in the community, where police said that they have no report of the find. While digging through the bag to figure out its owner, Watts says she found a bundle of neatly stacked $1,000 bills. Watts said she and her husband took the money home, but later called the restaurant back and asked if there was a lost-and-found department. She was told yes, and left her number. A woman called about 15 minutes later and verified she was the owner by identifying pictures left in the bag. Watts returned the bag to the owner, whom she described as an elderly woman, but said she does not have the woman's last name or phone number. Watts said the woman told her that the money came from selling her home and her belongings and that she was going to start a new life in Florida with her son. Watts says the woman offered to pay her $1,000 but Watts refused it. (HWWWHAAAAAAAT?) A manager of the Cracker Barrel restaurant, Bill Shupp, said no employees actually saw the money or the elderly owner. Is it a hoax? A Christmastime story told to adults who happen to be young girls & boys at heart? Some fable to give the illusion that there is indeed some honesty & integrity out there despite our elected public officials repeatedly being caught up in some of the most ridiculous forms of manipulation and perversion and basically every form of the seven deadly sins? Who knows? The important thing about anything that you read…is how it makes you feel and what you learn from it. Does it inspire you to change your life for the better? Does it motivate you to be that kind of person? Does it remind you that if you're going to cash out your life savings in neatly-stacked thousand-dollar bills to not accidentally leave that fat stack at the Cracker Barrel? These are the lessons that everybody should learn from stories…like those of Christmas…or Aesop's Fables…or Greek mythology…or Penthouse Forum…or whatever you read whether you believe their validity or not. Anyway, that's just my two cents…and I'd like some change back please.

On that note, I think that I'll bid you adieu…and wish you the very best in this coming holiday season. Have a great weekend…and since we're kinda sorta talking about Christmas miracles, guess what. Filly texted me yesterday…and it snowed in New Orleans yesterday!!! HO HO HO!!!