Interview Today

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I have an interview with the former employers later today…and I expect it to go very well. I think they're having a hard time finding somebody that I don't know personally and have yet to get drunk & partied with to conduct the interview…and that is a mighty feat in that area. Also, you know how I love to shine in interviews...and make an ass of myself...and pull great interviews out of my rear pocket on a moment's notice. I'll let you know how it goes. On that note, earlier this morning, I broke the news (though everybody already knew) about my plans for the coming weeks at our morning meeting…and I thanked them for the opportunity to work with them, learn about the industry and the city, and basically just being the best group of people that you could really hope to work with. They really are a wealth of personality, knowledge, caring, and just a great bunch of people and I'm going to sorely miss them…but I'm sure I'll get over it. Just kiddin', great group of people…and I'm sad to leave…but apparently there's another chapter about to unfold in the life of $teve, so I have to be ready for that. Hopefully it's a good, exciting read…with occasional nudity…and maybe a car chase or explosion or something. I guess I'm just hoping for some Action…in whatever connotation. Here's some news...

Slick City Madness - Here's some action craziness that I may be going back to. Police said a customer fired one or two shots into a Salt Lake City McDonald's after the driver of the car he was in was told the restaurant was not serving lunch yet. Police said the female driver of a white Dodge Intrepid pulled up to the drive-thru and ordered from the lunch menu early Sunday but was told only breakfast was available. Police said two men then got out of the car and one pulled a sawed-off shotgun from the trunk, shooting into the drive-thru window once or twice. The car then left the scene. No one was injured. Nice, even our fast food service jobs aren't safe anymore. Last week, a situation arose where police had an easy time catching a man suspected of driving under the influence. He was waiting for them in his car, where they said he was passed out in the driver's seat in the drive-thru at a fast food restaurant. According to police, another customer found the Houston man unconscious at the drive-thru around 3 a.m. Thursday. The other customer took the keys out of the ignition and called police, who arrested the man on suspicion of driving under the influence. Police said the man passed out because of a combination of alcohol and prescription drugs. Drunk driving? Drugs? Drivebys in the Drive-thru? Dang, Utah's changed a lot since I worked there. It's almost like…Vegas. Okay, maybe that's a little bold…but still. I'm glad that I'm learning to cook at home more. This fast food stuff is unhealthy…and apparently dangerous. Maybe I should just avoid driving all together...

Perfect Running Pace - Most regular runners can tell you when they reach that perfect equilibrium of speed and comfort. The legs are loose, the heart is pumping and it feels like you could run at this pace forever (wonder what that's like). Researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison now have an explanation for this state of running nirvana, and we can thank our ancestors and some evolutionary biology for it. For years, it has been thought that humans have a constant metabolic energy rate. It was assumed that you would require the same total energy to run one mile, no matter if you ran it in 5 minutes or 10 minutes. Even though your energy burn rate would be higher at faster speeds, you would get there in half the time. Turns out, however, that each person has an optimal running pace that uses the least amount of oxygen to cover a given distance. The findings, by Karen Steudel, a zoology professor at Wisconsin, and Cara Wall-Scheffler of Seattle Pacific University, are detailed in latest online edition of the Journal of Human Evolution. Steudel's team tested both male and female runners at six different speeds on a treadmill while measuring their oxygen intake and carbon dioxide output. As expected, each runner had different levels of fitness and oxygen use but there were ideal speeds for each runner that required the least amount of energy. Overall, the optimal speeds for the group were about 8.3 mph (about a 7:13 minutes per mile) for males and 6.5 mph (9:08 min/mile) for females. The most interesting finding: At slower speeds, about 4.5 mph (13 min/mile), the metabolic efficiency was at its lowest. Steudel explains that at this speed, halfway between a walk and a jog, the runner's gait can be awkward and unnatural. "What that means is that there is an optimal speed that will get you there the cheapest," Steudel says. So, why is a zoology professor studying running efficiency? Steudel's previous work has tried to build a theory of why our early ancestors evolved from moving on four limbs to two limbs, also known as bipedalism. She has found that human walking is a more efficient method of getting from point A to point B than on all fours. It might also have been an advantage for hunting. This latest research could offer some more clues of how we moved on to running. Steudel explains, "This is a piece in the question of whether walking or running was more important in the evolution of the body form of the genus Homo." (What did you just call me?) So there you go. Maybe next time at the gym, instead of briskly walking along at 4.5 mph, you run it on up to 8.3 and get the better burn for your run…and maybe impress a few people along the way…and not just with the hypnotic bouncing. You'll know it's working by your steady heart rate…and the amount of guys who fall off their treadmills by "losing focus" on their workout.

Parisian Pole Vaulter - A French pole vaulting champion has run naked with his pole (poles?) through the streets of Paris and posted the video on the Internet, hoping to draw attention to his quest for a new sponsorship deal. Romain Mesnil, who won a silver medal at the 2007 Athletics World Championships in Osaka, used to be sponsored by U.S. sports brand Nike but says his contract expired last year and was not renewed. "It was probably for budgetary and strategic reasons. It's the crisis," he wrote on his website. Many athletes have reported difficulties obtaining corporate sponsorship as companies cut costs because of the global economic downturn. In his video, Mesnil runs with his pole as if preparing for a vault at tourist spots like Montmartre and the Pont des Arts across the River Seine. A black square has been added to the footage to cover his private parts (awww, I know, right?). The video has succeeded in drawing attention to Mesnil's plight, at least in France. It was broadcast on primetime state television news bulletins (God, I love French news, there's always a chance of nudity…and even if you have no idea what the newscaster is saying, she's speaking French). So if you have a few bucks to spare…and are looking for an Olympic caliber athlete to sponsor…then please, sponsor me…or maybe this guy. I mean…US basketball doesn't really need my help to win the Gold again…so I'm willing to sacrifice so that France doesn't have to lose everything all the time. I love an underdog. Good luck, Monsieur Mesnil.

Lingerie Update - Whether you're a g-string girl or prefer granny-style knickers, a Japanese lingerie maker is inviting women to liberate themselves from conventional, body-hugging underwear and don loincloths instead. Loincloths, called "fundoshi" in Japanese, were worn by adult men in the past, but they are now a rarity. Kyoto-based lingerie firm Wacoal, however, has brought them back into fashion, this time for women seeking "emancipation" from the tightness of conventional underwear. "We wanted young women to have a more sense of freedom and release. And as we tried to come up with the ultimate liberation item for women, we thought of a fundoshi," said Tomoka Okamura, merchandise director for Wacoal's Nanafun female loincloths. The loincloths for women come in seven different colors and two designs (plain and checkered). Prices are about 1,260 yen ($13). Wacoal has sold more than 5,000 since December, three times more than it had expected, officials said, and the company now plans to start selling them in Hong Kong, Taiwan and Singapore. "It's easy to wear and is quite nice. It's also good for summer. And since it's getting warmer, I figured it would be good for that," said Hiromi Iwamura, a 28-year-old shopper who was buying a patterned loincloth and matching bra. So there you go ladies. Like the feel and flow of air through boxers (or going commando)? I know I do. Well, here's one alternative…as opposed to going and getting boxers or something here in the states…but still, promoting the new angle. I'm all about that. "But $teve, what if my man likes me in a G-string and tight silky underwear?" If you're comfortable with it, I say go with it…but if not, then I'm pretty sure your man wouldn't mind you coming in with a loincloth on. Besides, it's not important how you look in your undergarments…as long as they keep your ankles warm. Oh…and if your man doesn't like it, come see Dr Love. He knows how to make you feel comfortable…and a little dirty all at the same time.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Stay tuned for updates on the future adventures of Dr Love and his band of merry men (who all live inside his head). I wanna take this time to say thank you to everybody out there who has been worried about me and concerned with my well-being during this whole job thing…and it's greatly appreciated…but please don't fret over me. I'll be fine. Great things are going to happen. I have absolute confidence in that. I just can't wait to see you all again…wherever I may call home in the next month or so. Have a great day everybody!!!

Will Work for Bacon

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Let's see, quick rundown of events. Still looking for a job but have applied for a few and inquired on a few others, still no soda during Lent…which will make five weeks tomorrow, three days from now I'll be in California, all but one of my Final Four picks have been eliminated…but North Carolina's still in it and I picked them to win it all back at the beginning of the year, and last night was a lot of fun at the Bacon Brothers concert at the Hard Rock Café.

Last night, my cousin & I went to the show…and the best thing about it really…was the people watching…and making up our own conversations. See, obviously I'd say at minimum 90% of the people at the concert had probably never been to a Bacon Brothers concert before…and were just there because they were huge Kevin Bacon fans (and didn't even know that his brother's name was Michael & not Crispy) or they got free tickets because they're so badass…like I did. So before the show, they set up a line where people could come up and get their pictures taken with the brothers…and Ranae & I just kind of sat upstairs in the VIP section looking down on them and making up conversations that were going on down there…not unlike those two geezers on the balcony of the Muppet Show. Here are some of my favorites…

• "We just TOTALLY skipped the whole six degrees thing."


• "Hey guys, I just wanted to say that I'm a huge fan. Bacon is BY FAR my favorite breakfast meat."


• "LOVED you in Friday the 13th."


• "So on the set of Wild Things…what ugh? Did ya…? You know. Come on! Neve Campbell? You had to, right?"


• "What's it like f**king Elisabeth Shue? What? You guys never…really? I thought that was why you did a movie where you're invisible."


• "So do you REALLY play instruments…or are you just the frontman?"


• "What's it like being fifty? Still lead in the pencil?"


• "When are you gonna remake Tremors?"


• "Will you sign my VHS copy of Footloose?" (This one really happened)


• "Oh my God, Michael you're so talented. I just love your songs and they have such a deep meaning in my personal life and I just can't tell you how excited I am to finally meet you. Oh, is this your brother? What's his name? Did your mom make you put him in the band? Does he play tamborine or something?"



• My favorite…and the one I decided to go with: "LOVED you in Animal House. What do you say we squeeze in the middle here for the picture and we make a Bacon Sandwich?"
  

This is why I'm rarely allowed around celebrities…and just imagine if I ended up moving to Hollywood. The show was pretty good. It was what you'd expect, standard rock & roll with a little back-story to each song…including my favorite about when Kevin's publicist called to say that he got him an interview in Playboy last year…and he was obviously all excited about it, having been a huge fan of the magazine for years. Then he gets the call a day before the interview…and they basically said that the magazine was going for a more youth-oriented interview…which led to the inspiration for the song "Too Old for Playboy." Apparently the Bacons are from Philadelphia too (GO EAGLES!!!) and they told of an apparent New Year's Eve tradition where guys wear feathers & beaks and go door to door saying, "Here we are, at your door, like we were the year before. Give us whiskey, give us gin, open the door & let us in" in exchange for booze or change or beads, I don't know what…but who apparently helped popularize the tradition? George Washington, back when Philly was the first capital of the United States. Neat, right? I may now have to go there for New Year's next year. So yeah, here are some pictures…

Sunrise the other day, gonna miss my apartment

A dusting of snow the other day, that shut the city down

The line to get your picture taken with the Bacons

Entirely too many guitars on stage...

Opening act, Denver's own Matt Morris

Proof that Kevin Bacon blows...his harmonica

...and beats his cowbell with a tamborine

REAL Beef Tenders - The fundraising idea may seem a little nuts (rim shot), but Oakdale's annual Testicle Festival is always a big hit. Today, volunteers with the town's Rotary Club will fry up 400 pounds of the private parts of bulls and serve them to diners who pay $50 apiece for the sit-down meal (oh yeah, they PAY for this). The event, whose proceeds also benefit the Oakland Cowboy Museum, has drawn an average of 450 people and last year raised $28,000. It's common practice on cattle ranches for young male bovines to be castrated into steers, which after the initial loss, eventually makes them more docile and easier to handle (no kidding). Fans of the delicacy, also referred to as "mountain oysters," come from around the state. According to Rotarians, everyone who buys a ticket is guaranteed to "have a ball." Wow, that sounds delicious and nutritious. There is no amount of hot sauce in the world that'll help that. I've tried some strange cuisine in my day…but I have yet to try Rocky Mountain Oysters…and I don't plan on it any time soon. Hmm, unless that $28,000 came into question. Don't look at me like that. I'm gonna be unemployed soon. That would buy me a year of room & board. Don't judge me. You'd do it too. I guarantee it. Anyway, just goes to show what people will do for charity. My God, four hundred pounds of testicle. How many bulls lost their legacy to benefit the Oakland Cowboy Museum (which doesn't sound like a real place)?

Fox Update - Here's something that'll get that taste out of your mouth. So last week, I mentioned that I was considering a pet (before I started considering finding a new job…after being laid off from this one) and now it appears that Megan Fox has been doing the same…only a little more forward about it. The 'Transformers' actress has turned her Hollywood home into a small scale zoo since moving out of the house she shared with ex-fiance Brian Austin Green in February. Megan, 22, reportedly keeps five dogs, two cats, two birds, a squirrel and has recently also brought home a pot bellied pig named Piggy Smalls. She said: "I've just moved to a new place with a huge garden, so all my pets have plenty of room. The garden has become my private animal kingdom and I love it. I can't pass a rescue shelter without hawking a new critter home." A friend of the star revealed she has always been keen on animals, and as a youngster had a habit of playing with snakes (mmm, of course) in her hometown of Rockwood, Tennessee. The source (who may or may not exist) said: "Everyone was scared of rattlesnakes expect Megan. She used to give her parents a real headache by trying to play with the rattlers. Now she's into cuddly creatures. I think she's lost without something to cuddle up to at night, because she can't make up her mind which man to romance." Poor Miss Fox. Well, if you're looking for a cute cuddly creature to cuddle up with…and will be super excited to see you every day when you get home from work…and you can show off to your friends…and speaks on command…and is housebroken…and LOVES peanut butter…then you're in luck. I'm available. There's no adoption fees required, I can sleep in a box in the corner of the living room (though I may try to sneak into bed once in a while) and let's face it, I'm pretty f**king fantastic. I'd be happy to show you my papers…and my resume…and whatever qualifications you may be looking for. Besides, animals love me. I have a certain magnetism with them. I'd get along well with Piggy Smalls and your squirrel Busta Nutt or whatever their names are. I'm also versatile. I can be a monkey, a seal, a snake…but I think you'll be most impressed with me being a horse. Just throwing that out there. Anyway, let me know if you're looking for a large cuddly pet of all trades. Hell, I even feed myself…and live off a diet of Bacon & Love...and can put on those silly outfits. Good luck getting me to fit inside of a purse though.

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight. I'll keep you all posted on things are they come along. Have a great day everybody!!!

Be It, Don't Dream It

Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen,

I've been looking on the worldwide web for the next gig...and it's both reassuring and saddening all at the same time. There are some great jobs and opportunities for me out there...but it requires going even further away from home...and with the Media's assault on people who partake in luxury goods (which is my career expertise) who knows what will happen to these other offices in say...six months. It could be like Deja Vu all over again. That's the life that we live though. Nobody knows what's going to be one moment from the next. For example, a year ago, I was in Vegas with my brother and sister-in-law celebrating their 1st anniversary...and helping Bubbles look for apartments...and in essence beginning my own journey towards Vegas. Six months ago, my career took a sharp turn from steadily pointed toward Sin City and instead went to the city a mile high in the sky and had a kick ass Going Away Party. Three months ago, I was back in Vegas ringing in 2009 with Bubbles. A month ago, I was in the heart of Mardi Gras spending the late evenings with Southern girls. Now, I'm plotting where I'm going to be a month from now...whether it's back home in Utah, here in Denver writing the next great American smut collection, or elsewhere. A month from now, I'll be turning 28 years old and sexier than ever. Three months from now I could be anywhere doing anything. A year from now, I could be returning home again after spending a few months in Hollywood until the Big One hits, then moving to New Orleans just in time for a Category 5, play basketball for a few months in China before they turn to cannibalism and have a hankering for white meat, and make it back to the United States by working on a pirate ship full of porn stars. I guess my point is...anything's possible...and we just have to be there for each other and enjoy every moment of this wonderful life that we have...because things can change drastically and suddenly.

As promised here's a quick rundown of some of my prospective destinations. Any feedback from locals or people in the know or random comments would be greatly appreciated.

Denver, Colorado
Pros

• My apartment, I won't have to move
• Great city that I was just starting to enjoy...and it was in the dead of winter
  

Cons

• No real job opportunities
  
  

Synopsis: I'd love to stay here...but there's nothing over $10 an hour...and if I have to move out of my apartment, then I'm moving to somewhere that can afford me. I've become a bit of a pompous, conceited ass having been an incredible employee for about 15 years now...but I think that I deserve it.

Salt Lake City, Utah
Pros

• Home Sweet Home - Family and Friends abound
• Great job at fairly decent pay with friends
• Movie Nights / Homecoming Party
• Don't have to register my car in another state?
• There's a lot
  

Cons

• Not progressing in my career, actually kind of taking a step back
• No apartment on the 34th floor? Did I mention how much I love my view?
  
  
  

Synopsis: Looking like the #1 contender right now...but we shall see. The search continues.

Las Vegas, Nevada
Pros

• Vegas, baby!!!
• A few friends like Bubbles, Barbie & Keanna
• The Wingmans are two hours away
  

Cons

• No real job opportunities
• Just in time for the summer too
  
  

Synopsis: Still love Vegas like a fat kid loves cake...but again, I need to go to a place that can afford me...and I've already heard the horrible stories from first-hand accounts about the layoffs going on down there. Visit Vegas y'all. Hmm, maybe I'll have to do that to let off some steam in the next month or so.

New Orleans, Louisiana
Pros

• A few great job opportunities within the company
• Great step for my career
• Southern girls like me and I like Southern girls...and food
  

Cons

• The entire city seems like a ghetto - Great to visit but wouldn't want to live there
• I'm not Aquaman. I like to live above water...in the high country
• Hurricane evacuations...unless I have to stay, which I would with this step in my career
• All my possessions threatened to be washed away (or stolen) several times a year
  

Synopsis: As much as I love the city of New Orleans, I simply would not want to live there. Sure, Filly's there and I've met a lot of her great friends and it's just a beautiful mystical city...but it's also humid...because it's technically underwater...and I have a fear of drowning...and getting stabbed. Again, great place to visit...but I simply don't think that I could love there...though some of the salaries for the job opportunities there are nothing to sneeze at...especially when I live rather frugally.

Hollywood, California
Pros

• Beaches to the left of me and b**ches to the right
• Great step for my career...but may be a while before office opens
• Probably have apartments on the 34th floor
• Possible second job as low-budget director with plenty of local "talent"
• If sh*t goes down, we have the Terminator as Governor
  
  

Cons

• Earthquakes, Fire, Tsunamis, Volcanoes, Paris Hilton and other disasters
• A LOT of people...and unemployment around 10%
• I don't speak Spanish (but I can sing like I know it...and that's almost as good)
  

Synopsis: Is Hollywood ready for Dr Love? Reading about this office that's opening up literally at "THE SPOT" and thinking about all the celebrities and sports stars that would associated with this location, it's very intriguing. Also, the salaries of some of these job are ASTRONOMICAL by Utah standards (then again, the cost of living is also about double...but still). And yes Filly, I would prefer the threat of earthquakes, fires, volcanoes and whatever else over hurricanes. Why? Because I can swim on the beaches...and it's a little closer to home.

Other cities that have some interesting opportunities are Charlotte & Lake Tahoe...but I've never been to those cities or even really researched them quite yet. San Diego didn't have a lot of opportunities either...and they're hella expensive. So that's where I'm at currently. More research to be done obviously...and friends are looking out all over the globe for me...so no need to worry. Again, worst-case, I just end up moving back home to a decent job...or living like a bum for the next three months still getting paid & writing in the shade or something.

Last night, I watched a movie for the first time that I'm pretty sure that everybody has seen besides me...and that movie is...The Rocky Horror Picture Show. For that one person out there who hasn't seen it, this movie is the story of a young recently engaged couple (Barry Bostwick and Susan Sarandon) who get a flat tire and stumble upon a castle where there's a bunch of crazy sh*t going on. There's a Dr Frank N Furter, who's a transsexual transvestite from Transylvania (Tim Curry) and he makes a Creation...and there's frozen Meatloaf in the fridge...and some hunchback vampire like people...and another doctor...and a British narrator...and it's a musical. To be honest, I wasn't incredibly impressed...but then again, I wasn't really stoned or anything...and I'm told that's the way to see it by Enhancement Smokers...who I assume are the people that dress up whenever this movie is played at a local theatre or something. So yeah, it was okay. Now I've seen it.

I followed it up the only way that I knew how...with a movie from a completely different genre. Next was "Sukiyaki Western Django" which is basically a Western...but played with all Japanese actors...in this Old West town...but all the signs are in Japanese...and the director Takashi Miike is famous for horror movies...but wanted to branch out...oh and throw in a special guest star by the name of Quentin Tarantino...and you have this movie. It was pretty good...and definitely unique. Lots of quick cut editing, great fight scenes, imaginative story telling, and though the dialogue with a little off at times (English as a Second Language) it was still quite an impressive movie. I would recommend it. It's a new twist on the standard Western...like a Sushi Western instead of a Spaghetti Western or something.

Anyway, so that's where I'm at. Still looking for job opportunities and hopefully I'll know more by the time I leave for Cali in four days. It should be an interesting April for me...but it's like Forrest Gump said, "Yes sir, they shot me right in the buttocks." Oh wait, that's not the one. Sorry, it's been a few months since I've seen that movie. What was it? "I think I ruined your friend's towel." No, that's not it either. "Lieutenant Dan, you got legs." Oooh, strike three. "We was like peas and carrots again." "To do whatever you tell me, drill sergeant." No wait, I've got it. "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." Things can change abruptly and completely...so you just have to be prepared for what may come. I want to thank all of you for being there for me (since most of you reading this have been there for me in one way or another) and I only hope that I can pay you guys back...even if just with a few laughs here and there. Have a great day everybody. "And that's all I've got to say about that."

The Fox & The Panda

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Still looking into the job market but officially applied for my safety net this morning. As for positions here in Denver, they are not promising at all...but I'm checking local papers and personal ads to see if somebody needs a great worker or a trophy boy toy. So far, no luck. In fact, I think I'll bore you with a quick Pros & Cons of some of the top locations tomorrow. Today I'm gonna be spending a few hours looking into everything...since oddly enough, it's been super busy at work the past few days (I am already doing two people's jobs...but those will soon be "absorbed" by others too).

One intriguing possibility that came up for down the road…is an office in the heart of Los Angeles opening up in a year or so. Is Hollywood ready for Doctor Love? Would I become the next big thing to hit Tinseltown (and half its starlets)? Would this be the situation that matches me up with Milla…or Lindsay (we've grown apart as friends since her rehab) or dare I say it…the Fox? Only time will tell.

Fox Update - Speaking of my next girlfriend, an allegedly up-and-coming actor Kyle Gallner was being interviewed about his new movie "Haunting in Connecticut" (looks horrible) but is also starring in the upcoming superhot horror flick "Jennifer's Body" as the local goth kid in a high school where a cheerleader (played by the superhot Miss Megan Fox) goes on a killing spree of her male classmates…and some allegedly steamy scenes with female classmates (played by Amanda Seyfried of "Big Love"). Needless to say, the role didn't scare any of Gallner's friends away. He says they all asked to come to the set because of the beautiful Miss Fox. He said of her, "There's something primal about her. She's intense, she's sweet, and there's definitely something about her eyes that just stop you cold." (Hmm, sounds familiar) Jennifer's Body is screenwriter Diablo Cody's film follow-up to her breakout hit Juno. "It's an interesting fusion of horror movie mixed with Diablo's offbeat sense of humor. It's this mash-up of all these different genres, but it works out really, really well." Hopefully one of those genres is the kind that I hope to dabble in if I make it to Hollywood. Mmm…yeah, definitely something primal there.

Three Stooges Update - Sean Penn, Jim Carrey and Benicio Del Toro are looking to become the new incarnation of the classic comedy team The Three Stooges reports Variety. MGM and the Farrelly brothers, who wrote the script and are producing, are closing in on deals for the trio to play the the three characters in an upcoming comedy anthology film built around the antics of their characters. Sean Penn is already set to play Larry, Benicio Del Toro is being targeted to play Moe and negotiations are underway with Jim Carrey to play Curly. Carrey is apparently already making plans to gain 40 pounds to approximate the physical dimensions of Jerome "Curly" Howard. Filming kicks off in the early Fall for a release sometime in 2010. Awesome!!! As long as Jim Carrey's in it…and it's Three Stooges…I'm going. Love the Three Stooges. Have a collectors set and everything.

Surname Update - The number of people in Britain with surnames like Cockshott, Balls, Death and Shufflebottom -- likely the source of schoolroom laughter -- has declined by up to 75% in the last century. A study found the number of people with the name Cock shrank to 785 last year from 3,211 in 1881, those called Balls fell to 1,299 from 2,904 and the number of Deaths were reduced to 605 from 1,133. People named Smellie decreased by 70%, Dafts by 51%t, Gotobeds by 42%, Shufflebottoms by 40%, and Cockshotts by 34%, said Richard Webber, visiting professor of geography at King's College, London. "If you find the (absolute) number goes down, it's either because they changed their names or they emigrated," Webber, author of the study, told Reuters on Wednesday. He said that in many cases, people probably changed their surnames as they came to be regarded as in bad taste. "It's because the meaning of words can change. Take the name Daft -- that as a term for a stupid is a relatively recent innovation." According to the Oxford English Dictionary, Daft meant "mild" or "meek" in Old English, whereas it means "foolish" today. "That's why there are names which people think aren't really very pleasant names and you wonder why they persisted as long as they did." Webber, whose work can be seen on the website mapyourname.com, got his data for 2008 from credit card firm Experian and mapping service Geowise. He then compared it with the census of 1881. Webber also discovered that the most popular names in Britain have not changed over the past 127 years. Last year, Smith, Jones, Williams, Brown, Taylor and Davies held the top five spots, in exactly the same order as they did a century ago. Webber also found that between 1996 and 2008, the names Zhang, Wang, and Yang and experienced the fastest growth. Zhang rose by 4719%, while Wang grew by 2225%. I think I saw a commercial for a pill that does that too. Anyway, Gotobed's not a bad last name. "For the last time, James. Go to bed!!!" "Yes? That's my name father." "That's it boy. Go cut me a switch." Still curious where the last name Cockshott came from. (tehehe, cockschott, came from, get it? It answers itself) I'm surprised that Dick Butkus hasn't changed his name...but then again, the man's a legend and I think he can take care of anybody that makes fun of him...even in his sixties.

Well, that'll do it for today. Busy day of trying to keep this doctor employed somewhere. Again, the worst part about this whole thing...is that I'm apparently going to have to move again. I have a lot of crap. Also, if something opens up, I may have to move again in six months if I want to further my career. Oh well, it's the nature of the beast...and better to move just me than a family & kids and all that fun stuff. Lucky I don't have any friends here so I won't be breaking any hearts. I'm sure my cousin understands...and the blow will be softened by the Bacon Brothers concert tomorrow night. Have a great day everybody!!!

Worst-Case Scenario

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, I'm feeling inspired today. Good things are going to happen. Feelings of bliss are running through my body. What do I have to thank for it? A couple pills of ecstasy? Nope, never tried it (yet). Pure unadulterated optimistic denial? Not at all. What then? My incredible network of family & friends helping me out when/if I need them…whether with encouraging words, hot employment leads, reassuringly hilarious interview stories, deep philosophical discussions with a brother who may have been under the influence of alcohol, and basically…I just ran my worst-case scenario…and it's not that bad. What is the current worst-case scenario? Well, at this time, it's basically me going back to Utah where my old job is going to be hiring soon. It's not the exact same job…and it's a bit of a pay cut (about 20% though so a lot better than say…100%) but still full-time…and the people I'll be working with are a bunch of friends & former coworkers that I trained over the years…including my stepsister. It's also a new department, which means more learning and knowledge of computer systems, so more padding for an already extensive resume…and all my other former coworkers are just across the street.

Not only that…but even IF I didn't want to do that job and just live like a bum for a few months, the landlords of my current apartment said they'd be willing to negotiate a short-term lease for a few months (details later today) and I'd still be getting paid full-time for the next three months with a severance package almost as big as mine. So basically, I could still just chillax in my bachelor pad apartment, watching movies and writing the next great American romance novel until the 4th of July without even dipping into my savings. So please, don't you dare worry about me. I'll be fine. I may even have visitors my first weekend of unemployment…and compounded with a possible Going Away Party with my current coworkers, I'm gonna get f**ked up!!! More on that as details arises. In the meantime, I've got to meet Kevin Bacon in two days…and I have nothing to wear. Oh well, now for a news update…mostly about teenagers...

Bus Running on Natural Gas - An eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas. The bus driver wrote on a misbehavior form that a 15-year-old teen passing gas on the bus Monday to make the other children laugh, creating a stench so bad that it was difficult to breathe. The bus driver handed the teen the suspension form the next day. Polk County school officials said there's no rule against flatulence, but there are rules against causing a disturbance on the bus. The teen said he wasn't the one passing gas. Whether he did it or not, he might have gotten off easy. A 13-year-old student at a Stuart school was arrested in November after authorities said he broke wind in class. Whatever happened to real reasons for suspension? Like vandalism? Telling off your teacher? Drawing big breasted women on the chalkboard? Stuff like that? Not the side effects of a diet high in fats and chemicals. Eighth-graders are gassy. Their bodies are going through a lot. Oh well, help is on the way…

Solution to Natural Gas - Teenage boys, are you tired of embarrassing questions about when you last changed underwear? Also, why the hell are you reading this blog? Get your parent's permission…and send pictures of your hot older sister. Anyway, Japan's space scientists may have just the answer to the first question, a line of odor-free underwear and casual clothing. Koichi Wakata, the first Japanese astronaut to live on the International Space Station, is testing the clothes, called J-ware and created by textile experts at Japan Women's University in Tokyo (That sounds like a really hot university!). "He can wear his trunks (underwear) more than a week," said Koji Yanagawa, an official with the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency. Wakata's clothes, developed by researcher Yoshiko Taya, are designed to kill bacteria, absorb water, insulate the body and dry quickly. They also are flame-resistant and anti-static, not to mention comfortable and stylish. Japanese astronaut Takao Doi gave the clothes a trial run during a shuttle mission last year. Even after a vigorous workout, Doi's clothes stayed dry. "The other astronauts become very sweaty, but he doesn't have any sweat. He didn't need to hang his clothes to dry," Yanagawa said. J-ware should reduce the amount of clothing that needs to be sent to the space station, which has no laundry facilities (and I wouldn't expect a clothesline either). Toting cargo into orbit is expensive, so having clothes that stay fresh for weeks at a time should result in significant savings. The Japanese space agency plans to make the clothes available to NASA and its other space station partners once development is complete. A commercial line also is in the works. Taya also is working with clothing manufacturers Toray Industries and Goldwin. on clothes that have a microscopically thin chemical layer in the materials. Wakata, who arrived at the station last week for a three-month stay, said on Sunday that the clothes appear to be working. "Nobody has complained, so I think it's so far, so good." There you have it. The future of clothing. Big Deodorant will certainly try to block this research…but it'd be great for workout clothes…or people that are just naturally lazy and/or don't maintain good personal hygiene. Keep an eye out.

My Kind of Vandalism - A British teenager inspired by an ancient fertility symbol painted a 60-foot phallus on the roof of his parents house, a newspaper reported on Tuesday. Rory McInnes painted the giant genitalia on the newly-finished flat roof of his parents' million-pound mansion in a village 60 miles west of London…but the imposing member remained a closely-guarded secret for a whole year before it was 'discovered' by a helicopter pilot flying over the area. Contacted by the paper, his father Andy McInnes first dismissed the report as a joke. "It's an April Fool's joke, right? There's no way there's a 60-foot phallus on top of my house," he said before ringing round each of his four children. When he got hold of Rory, who is spending a year travelling between finishing school and starting university, the teen reportedly said: "Oh, you've found it then!" The 18-year-old student said he had decided to act last year after watching a documentary about the satellite images on Google Earth, saying he thought the artwork would make his parents' home stand out (and how). The oversized organ is an enlarged copy of the most well-known feature of the Cerne Abbas Giant, an 80-foot figure of a naked man which is carved into the side of a chalk hill in Dorset, southwest England. Clearly sexually aroused (or just happy to see you), the club-wielding giant is believed to be an Iron Age fertility symbol which has proven popular with copulating couples hoping to conceive…but the McInneses were clearly not keen on the idea of their rooftop art acting as a fertility charm. "We don't want any more children, so the idea of sleeping under a giant fertility symbol is rather worrying," said 49-year-old Clare McInnes, while her husband added: "When Rory gets home he will be given a scrubbing brush and white spirit and he can go and scrub it off." I assume that means that he's going have a glass of zinfandel and clean the roof…and maybe rub one out. I don't know. I'm not big on English colloquialisms. I can imagine him trying to look the house up on Google Earth at school a few days later. "Oh look Reginald, there's my house." "Really? Which one?" "The one with the cock & balls." "Oh my! That's quite magnificent actually. Very good work with the bell end. Do your parents know about this?" "Funny, am I talking to you at this moment?" "Why yes." "Then they surely don't know then, do they?" Kudos to Mr. McInnes for a grand mark of creative vandalism. Also, kudos to the elder Mr. McInnes for not hunting down his brat of a child and beating him senselessly for putting a giant tally whacker on his multi-million dollar home. Good show.

Mysteries of the Teenage Mind - Have you ever looked at your teenage children…or back on your own teenage years and thought, "What the f**k was I thinking?" Sure you have. Everybody has. Don't lie to yourself. Well, the mysterious goings-on inside teen brains have befuddled countless people over the years. Now some insights are being provided by recent neuroscience research. Between ages 11 and 17, children's brain waves reduce significantly while they sleep, a new study found. Scientists think this change reflects a trimming-down process going on inside teenagers' brains during these years, where extraneous mental connections made during childhood are lost. According to psychologist Ian Campbell of UC-Davis, "When a child is born, their brain is not fully-formed, and over the first few years there's a great proliferation of connections between cells. Over adolescence there is a pruning back of these connections. The brain decides which connections are important to keep, and which can be let go." Scientists call this process synaptic pruning, and speculate that the brain decides which neural links to keep based on how frequently they are used. Connections that are rarely called upon are deemed superfluous and eliminated. Sometimes in adolescence, that pruning process goes awry and important connections are lost, which could lead to psychiatric disorders such as schizophrenia, the researchers think.

Brain Pruning - Synaptic pruning is thought to help the brain transition from childhood, when it is able to learn and make new connections easily, to adulthood, when it is a bit more settled in its structure, but can focus on a single problem for longer and carry out more complex thought processes. For example, if a child receives a brain injury before age 10, another area of the brain can often take over the functions of the damaged region. If the same injury occurs at age 20, however, the person may lose a vital ability, because the brain has lost the flexibility to transfer that function to another area. "The fact that there are more connections [in a child's brain] allows things to be moved around. After adolescence, that alternate route is no longer available. You lose the ability to recover from a brain injury, or the ability to learn a language without an accent…but you gain adult cognitive powers." Campbell and UC-Davis psychiatrist Irwin Feinberg recorded the sleep brain waves (called EEG) two times a year over five years in 59 children, beginning at either age 9 or age 12. They found that brain waves in the frequency range 1-4 Hz remained unchanged between ages 9 and 11 and then fell sharply (by about 66%) between ages 11 and 16.5. In the 4-8 Hz frequency range, which corresponds to a different part of the brain, brain waves started to decline earlier and fell by about 60% between ages 11 and 16.5 years. Overall, these changes are consistent with synaptic pruning, because as neural connections are lost in those areas of the brain, brain waves in the corresponding frequencies decrease. Campbell and Feinberg report their findings in the March 23 issue of the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Synaptic pruning is just one of many changes thought to be going on inside teenagers' brains. For example, a 2005 study found that teenagers can't multi-task as well as adults because their brains are still learning how to process multiple pieces of information at once the way adults can. In addition to changes that affect how they think, teenagers' brains also undergo developments that affect how they feel. For example, during adolescence people begin to empathize more with others, and take into account how their actions will affect not just themselves, but people around them (allegedly). A 2006 study found that the teenage medial prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain associated with higher-level thinking, empathy, and guilt, is underused compared to adults…but as adolescents mature, they begin to use this region more when making decisions, indicating that they increasingly consider others when making choices. So in summary, teenagers are just getting dumber. Their brains are eroding to the bare essentials so that they can learn to become adults…and have to multi-task by working, going to school, learn to drive, try to get laid, apply for college, experiment, and after a lot of this dumbing down...raise teenagers of their own. It's a vicious, horrible cycle. Thanks scientists.

Those aren't Breasts, Those are LIES!!! - Police are seeking a woman they said used a false identity to get breast implants and liposuction, then skipped town. Huntington Beach police said Monday that a 30-year-old woman opened a line of credit in someone else's name in September 2008 and had the procedures worth more than $12,000 performed at the Pacific Center For Plastic Surgery (that's six grand per can). Employees said she never returned for follow-up visits. The woman turned herself in Tuesday and was released on $20,000 bail. She faces charges of commercial burglary, identity theft and grand theft boobage (which is punishable by Nip/Tuck marathon in California). I'm still a strong supporter of the Breast Exchange Program where women in need of breast reductions can trade off with those looking for more frumpage. I'm not sure what the medical procedure for that is. I'm not that kind of doctor. That being said, it's kind of hard to believe that this 30-year-old woman couldn't find somebody to support her, much like a financial brassier, in getting these implants…but the financial crisis has hit us all in different ways. Unfortunately she had to resort to theft…instead of the usual gold digging, which is sadly still perfectly legal. I guess my point is…ladies, please don't be ashamed of your body. If you're ever feeling a little down about your physique, don’t resort to a life of crime. Just send me a picture…and I'll write you a little something something that's guaranteed to make you feel better…because it's from the heart. We all love ya, ladies…especially the breasts.

Well, that'll do it for today. Back to looking for a new employer. Have a great day everybody!!!

Day of Infamy - Take Two

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

So yesterday, I ugh…found out that my position within the company is no longer, my job duties that were already those of two positions…will be absorbed by others and my services will no longer be needed…in three weeks (one of which I'll be enjoying the sun of California…which is much better than the chaotic blizzard going on outside the window right now). Basically I've been laid off. Was it completely unexpected? No. I was expecting more of a reduced hours speech than a "severance package" and "referral" speech…but I've been up to date on current events. Am I completely unprepared for it? No. Went through this to a lesser extent last year with the first Day of Infamy…and I have a well-established network of fantastic family & friends all across the nation. This is just a crash course…since the lease on my apartment runs out at the end of April (a few days after my birthday). I spent last night letting a few people know and asking if they knew anywhere that was hiring off hand. Oddly enough, I was looking for jobs for friends in the area yesterday before the sit-down with Boss Man…but yeah, it's funny how things work out. Am I the only one this is happening to? Hell no. There's even a few in my department…and a bunch throughout the company…and a sh*t load around the world. It's a sad truth…and it's about time that it caught up with me, I guess.

By the way, I went home…and told a few people…but not everybody. My dad doesn't even know yet. I'll probably tell him tonight now that I know more. Nor have I told Bubbles (she's in Disneyland and I don't want to ruin her vacation by having her worry about me). Nor have I told Brooklyn…since it is her birthday…and it should be about her. I also didn't want to explain everything to everybody at that point...because it was all in the air...and I wanted to be educated about possibilities before talking to most people. "Are you moving back?" I don't know what's out there, let me get back to you on that. That's why.

One person that I did tell was my brother…but over a text message. I wrote "Pop Quiz: What has an eight inch cock and just got laid off?" He wrote back, "Nice." I wrote back, "Not really…but thanks." He wrote back, "Funny." I thought it was rather odd. Anyway, so then I talked to my mom for a while last night…and she reminded me what today was…his 2nd wedding anniversary (How could I have forgotten?). Of course, with he & his wife being separated because she's a crazy crack whore, he was already down a full bottle of Tequila Rose and was apparently "pleasant to talk to" which is odd because my mom & brother tend to argue a lot. So I gave him a call…and we talked for a few minutes…and it was obvious that he was a little tipsy…but not too bad. I could understand most of what he said. So then I asked him about the text earlier. "Oh yeah, congratulations on getting some bro. It's about time. Who was it?" Now it all makes sense. He completely blocked out the last word of my initial text. So I dropped the bomb on him that I actually got laid OFF. "Oh really? That sucks bro. So when are you moving back?" We then celebrated his anniversary in the fashion that we had celebrated the previous one and his honeymoon…in the Vegas tradition of shots and well wishes for the coming year.

So what happens now? As you know, I'll probably bore myself (and maybe my readers) with lists of Pros & Cons and analysis of possible new adventures. Where will I end up a month from now? Still in my ultrasexy apartment atop the Mile High City? Back home in Utah? Maybe Vegas' sweet bosom will find a way to swallow me up just in time for summer? Will the Lost City of New Orleans make it worth my while to live underwater? Will I find a job in the beautiful city of Salzburg singing tunes from "The Sound of Music"? Will I use my degrees in Marketing to help the next upstart franchise like the UFL's Las Vegas Knights? Or maybe the LFL's Denver Dream? Will I become an unemployed gigolo that works out of my dad's basement? Will I finally grow the balls to rob a bank…and roll around naked in money? Will I focus on my writing and become the next Hunter S. Thompson making literary masterpieces of erotica fueled by a quick temper, ambitious groin and enough drugs to make Keith Richards blush? Will I return to selling my seed to science to make a new & improved race of European Mutt warriors? Will I hijack the Travel Channel and convince them to give me a show like Samantha Brown…or the little girl gets it? Will I finally score a dream job like Professional Panda Porn Director (instead of just amateur)? Or manager of a bacon & chocolate factory operated by big-breasted sexbots? Will I resort once again to man-whoring? Who knows? But I do know this…I have one month to figure it all out.

Honestly, I'm not bitter about it. I know sacrifices had to be made…and I was the new kid on the block. The Bosses are even sadder to see me go than I am. It just means more work for them…and I'm pretty tasty eye candy. They're being all kinds of supportive and telling me all the different options (worst-case, they're going to end up paying me for the next three months anyway because I've been with the company for so long) and they're making calls on my behalf. I really couldn't have asked for a better situation…short of actually being able to continue working here. Like I said, I'm actually kind of surprised it took this long. The only thing that I'm not really looking forward to…is having to move again. That sh*t's a pain in the testicles…even without a hernia. I have a lot of crap. Luckily, the lease on my apartment running out soon so I don't have to worry about that…and if anybody wants to come on down for one last Birthday / Going Away / Homecoming / Bon Voyage to a New Adventure / Random Reason to Get Drunk Party here on the 34th floor in the big city…then please feel free to stop on by in the next few weeks. Sooner the better because towards the end my apartment may be full of boxes again.

Now, let me run through the 5 Stages of Grief…as I took them in the past 24 hours or so.

1. Denial - "Are you sh*tting me? Where's the camera, Boss Man? You got me good." Some may say that I live my whole life in denial...but what do doctors really know?

2. Anger - "Really? No reduced hours or anything? Straight to 'your job has been eliminated?' That sucks." Along with a few curse words when I got home…but only a few. Living so close to work though, they may have been able to hear me. So good.

3. Bargaining - "Let's just pretend we never had this conversation (crackling knuckles)"

4. Depression - "Lame." Oddly enough, I didn't shed a single tear…which I wish I could say about others in the department at news of their employment status…but the situation sucks.

5. Acceptance - Obviously it took me about…thirty seconds to realize that dwelling on the situation isn't going to do much good…and I should just start finding solutions…because like Edison said, "Life's 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." I've already spent most of the day calling up my network of family, friends, acquaintances and business partners to see what the hell there is out there for a tall, good-looking, well-educated, well-endowed white chocolate man with a tasty coconut crust, great work ethic, intriguing sense of humor and a bunch of new suits seeking employment…and I'm already kind of liking what I've heard…but worst-case, I have a pretty good fallback net back at the old job (with a significant paycut) and I can go back to living in my dad's basement…but he had to completely renovate it since it flooded last year…so even better. My mom has already offered her basement too…but she lives in the mountains like a f**king hermit. It'd be a nice location for me to concentrate on my erotic novel writing…and to bring the ladies for research.

I guess what my point is…no need to worry about your good buddy $teve. He'll be okay. It's just going to be a bit of a pain in the ass and/or groin for the next few weeks…but I'm completely surrounded by better people than I deserve, have everything that an employer could want, have no problem with being a complete drain on society if absolutely necessary, and a taste of the American Dream that always seems to be on the tip of my tongue. I believe in hard work. I believe in Obama. I believe in Harvey Dent. I believe in Fate. I believe in a thing called Love (justlistentotherhythmofmyheaaaart). I believe that I am the luckiest man alive and this is only a little crack in the sidewalk on the road to the intersection of Pleasure & Life. I only wish that more people out there could be as lucky as me in these hard, troubling times…but I also believe that we can pull together and make the World a greater place everyday. Maybe this is just the kick out the door that I needed.

Denver's a wonderful city…and I'm truly blessed to have lived here (or continue living here depending on what I find out over the next few weeks). I've been surrounded by great people and learned a lot of new traits that will only help me further my career, wherever it may be...and there's a whole world out there. Literally HUNDREDS of countries that I have yet to explore, thousands of cultures that I have yet to be a part of, stories to be told that I have yet to experience, so much out there to do…and so little time to do it in. I’m going to be okay. Don't you dare fret over little old me. I'll be fine as frog's hair.

Anyway, just thought that I'd let you all know what's going on. Sorry if this isn't as hilarious or informative as the usual entry…but whatever. It's my blog and I'll do what I want. Have a great day everybody!!! Big thanks to everybody for the well wishes!!! I'm sure that I'll see y'all again real soon like.

P.S. Seriously though, if any of you want to come out to Denver for one last HURRAH on top of the big city, I'm totally down for it. Help me get rid of some of this booze before I have to move again. Love y'all madly.

Everybody Loves Macaque

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

It finally happened. I didn't have a beautiful woman next to me in my Spinning class last night at the gym…but as always, there's a story involved. I show up a few minutes early as I usually do, already in a bit of a sweat because I usually work out for about 45 minutes before class (basketball, weights, treadmill, whatever) and the class starts to fill in. In walks this tall, cute brunette…and of course, I'm already thinking "Oh yeah, she's the one that's going to sit on this bike in front of me." I continue to pedal nonchalantly, playing it cool…and as luck would have it, she did start to adjust the bike in front of me. $teve wins again!!! Then about three seconds later, this guy in his fifties comes in the door and creeps to the bike next to her. She sees this, see that basically the only people in the class are all bunched right there in front of me, and then goes to one of the other bikes on the other side of the room. I was just Gawk Blocked. Anyway, it was still a pretty good workout…and Hot Yoga is tonight…so there's going to be some hot, sweaty eye candy and a bunch of Thai words I don't know, so I have permission to look around. You know, to see what everybody's doing. Don't judge me.

Have you ever been watching something and thought "What if my parents could see me now?" It happened to me last night…as I was watching…and I kid you not…the COMMENTARY of the MTV series the Wildboyz…for what ended up being about four hours. How cool am I? Say what you will though, it was hilarious. I was never a big fan of Jackass…but I really enjoy the Wildboyz. It's a natural show / anthropological study / frat party / variety show / the most disgusting thing you can show on television. Again, don't judge me.

We had a competition at work yesterday…and it was basically a game show about how to do our job…and we were primed to win and our department knew all the answers…but ultimately lost by a point because I guess our buzzer person wasn't fast enough…but that's not the point of this story. This is what we call the back-story. So Boss Lady S was kind of stunned that we lost…because we're the best. We all know it. They all know it. They just got lucky, thus the magic of March Madness. However, one of the ladies in our department told her as an excuse, "If it were a written test and we could write in the answers with our number twos, then we would've won." I laughed out loud…because I instantly pictured writing down answers…with a number two…like a monkey using brown finger paint. After a few seconds, some of the others started laughing…and then explaining it to the rest. Anyway, that's my story. Just thought I'd share it with ya. Oh…and we definitely would've won with our number twos…but lucky for janitorial, that wasn't the case. We would've surely resorted to flinging.

Pet Monkey Update - Even after that lovely image, everybody wants a monkey for a pet, right? They're so damn cute in those movies…and at the zoo…and even when barreled up or stuffed with plush…and you can teach them to grab you a beer, mow the lawn and everything else children are used for...but there's a downside, a very serious downside…and that is why, there shall be no monkey in my pet owning future. The family of a woman mauled by a chimpanzee in Connecticut filed a lawsuit seeking $50 million in damages against the primate's owner, saying she was negligent and reckless for lacking the ability to control "a wild animal with violent propensities." Attorneys for Charla Nash, who remains in critical condition, filed the lawsuit against Sandra Herold late Monday in Superior Court in Stamford. The suit also alleges that Herold had given the chimp medication that further upset the animal. Herold has made conflicting public statements about whether she gave Xanax, an anti-anxiety drug, to Travis (the chimp) on the day of the attack. The drug had not been prescribed for the animal, police said. Herold knew the 200-pound chimp, Travis, was agitated when she asked Nash to come to her house on February 16th, the lawsuit said. The suit accuses Herold of negligence and recklessness for owning "a wild animal with violent propensities, even though she lacked sufficient skill, strength and/or experience to subdue the chimpanzee when necessary." Their attorney Charles Willinger said, "Our client, Charla Nash, has suffered and will continue to suffer agony and pain beyond our comprehension. This is a tragedy ... that should not have happened." Nash, 55, lost her hands, nose, lips and eyelids in the 12-minute mauling. Many bones in her face were crushed, and the attack may also have left her blind and brain damaged. She is in critical condition at the Cleveland Clinic, which in December performed the first face transplant in the United States. Doctors haven't said if Nash will be a candidate for such a procedure. So yeah…no monkeys. Not so cute now, are they? The only question I really have is…why the hell did this lady have a full-grown chimpanzee if she wasn't trained? Is there some kind of loophole in the pet laws of Connecticut? A big dog is one thing…but big dogs don't use tools and climb trees with the greatest of ease. Truly a tragic story…but $50 million? Really? This Sandra Herold must be LOADED!!!

Pet Parrot Update - I mentioned the other day that I was considering getting a pet…and one of the most intriguing was a parrot that I could teach to make ladies swoon. Well, here in Denver, a parrot whose cries of alarm alerted his owner when a little girl choked on her breakfast has been honored as a hero. Willie, a Quaker parrot (not Quacker), has been given the local Red Cross chapter's Animal Lifesaver Award. In November, Willie's owner, Megan Howard, was baby-sitting for a toddler. Howard left the room and the little girl, Hannah, started to choke on her breakfast (Fruit Loops?). Willie repeatedly yelled "Mama, baby" and flapped his wings, and Howard returned in time to find the girl already turning blue. Howard saved Hannah by performing the Heimlich maneuver but said Willie "is the real hero." Hannah's mother Samantha Kuusk said, "The part where she turned blue is always when my heart drops no matter how many times I've heard it. My heart drops in my stomach and I get all teary eyed." Willie got his award during a "Breakfast of Champions" event Friday attended by Governor Bill Ritter and Mayor John Hickenlooper (yes, that's his real name). So now, I'm thinking of another possibility for a pet parrot. Not just as a smooth-talking, multi-colored bird to impress the ladies…but also as a crime-fighting superhero…and in either case, his name would be…Wingman!!!

Just picture it, a dark moonless night…and a waitress is walking home through the mean streets of Denver. Suddenly, there's the cling of a bottle being kicked against asphalt. "Who's there? I've got mace." She reaches into her purse…but before she can reveal her weapon, SNAG, she's in the grasp of some unsavory character with her mouth covered. "Ah-ah. Calm down, sweetie. Just gimme the purse." She struggles helplessly as this guy is double her size and thrice her smell (it was a double shift). Suddenly, out of the night, they hear a shrill voice ringing in the brisk night air, like a megaphone, "Let her go. You're completely surrounded." The mugger glances around and sees no one, "Who's there? I ugh…I've got mace." Still nothing in sight. "(Whistle) Over here, jackass!" Still nothing can be seen. "There ain't no cops." Trash cans tip over down the alley. "Show yourself!!!" Still nothing. "Agh, reach for the sky…or I'll open fire. (Whistle)" "Is that a f**king parrot?" WHAM!!! He's judo chopped from behind by a tall, dashing gentleman with a nine o'clock shadow wearing a Mardi Gras mask. "Nah, mother lover. That's my Wingman." With a gesture of his hand, a green & blue parrot lands on his shoulder. "Are you okay?" The lady is stunned at what just happened, "Yeah, I think so…just a little woozy. Who are you?" "Just a man who doesn't want to see anybody hurt, ma'am." "You have a beautiful bird." "Raagh, your smile is like sunshine." She giggles at the unexpected squawk, "What's his name?" "Mookie." "Mookie?" "Don't look at me, his parents are the one that picked it…and he's absolutely right about your smile." From there, I offer to walk her back to her place a few blocks away, she invites us up for coffee and birdseed, "time passes", and she wakes up the next morning with a story to tell and a lovely letter from her mysterious superhero superlover…and I have to listen to the damn bird say "Oh God, that's the spot! Keep the mask on. (Whistle)" for the next few weeks. Somehow it never gets old though. So that's one possibility for a pet. Oh…and as for my superhero outfit, it's much easier to be inconspicuous in a Mardi Gras mask…than in an all neon green spandex suit like the other possible outfit…so there you go. No Green Man on this adventure…or Chewbacca.

Everybody Gets One - Speaking of superheroes, a Thai fireman turned superhero when he dressed up as comic-book character Spider-Man to coax a frightened eight-year-old from a balcony. Teachers at a special needs school in Bangkok alerted authorities on Monday when an autistic pupil, scared of attending his first day at school, sat out on the third-floor ledge and refused to come inside, a police sergeant told AFP. Despite teachers' efforts to beckon the boy inside, he refused to budge until his mother mentioned her son's love of superheroes, prompting fireman Sonchai Yoosabai to take a novel approach to the problem. The rescuer dashed back to his fire station and made a quick change into a Spider-Man costume (that he conveniently had in his locker at work?) before returning to the boy. "I told him Spider-Man is here to rescue you, no monsters are going to attack you and I told him to walk slowly towards me as running could be dangerous," Somchai told local television. The young boy immediately stood up and walked into his rescuer's arms, police said. Somchai said he keeps the Spider-Man costume and an outfit of Japanese television character Ultraman at the station in order to liven up school fire drills. What kind of luck is that? He just happened to have a Spider-Man outfit and helped save an autistic child. Again, stem cells. Let's find a way to help these autistic kids so we don't have to rely on luck like this. Super cool story from the land of Muay Thai, Curry and Tony Jaa.

$teve in Space - Well, it's official. NASA's online contest to name a new room at the international space station went awry. Fellow $teve, former Presidential candidate and comedian Stephen Colbert won. The name "Colbert" beat out NASA's four suggested options in the space agency's effort to have the public help name the addition. The new room will be launched later this year. NASA's mistake was allowing write-ins. Colbert urged viewers of his Comedy Central show, "The Colbert Report," to write in his name…and they complied, with 230,539 votes. That clobbered Serenity, one of the NASA choices, by more than 40,000 votes. Nearly 1.2 million votes were cast by the time the contest ended Friday. NASA reserves the right to choose an appropriate name. Agency spokesman John Yembrick said NASA will decide in April, but will give top vote-getters "the most consideration." We shall see if NASA has the balls to go through with it…but I think they will. Why? Because it's great publicity for them…and there's the segment on his show "Who's Honoring Me Now?" where he'll plug those who are stroking his ego…and there's constant updates on things named after him…even what may turn out to be the room used for the crapper in a space station. Congratulations Mr. Colbert!!! You're going to space.

Crazy Pastor of the Week - A Wisconsin pastor and parishioner have been cited by police for shooting an arrow during a church service. The pastor asked to have the arrow shot across the front of the church during a recent service at Pentecostals of Sheboygan County as a 'teaching tool' (Damn, I thought discipline at Catholic schools was harsh). As the parishioner prepared to shoot the arrow with his bow, one man (we'll call him…Killjoy) stood up and objected, telling the pastor it was unsafe and illegal. Parishioners said the pastor told the man to be quiet and sit down…and offered him a cup of shut the f**k up (not true…because the church frowns upon such language). When Killjoy objected a second time, the pastor asked him to leave. He did and called police. The parishioner was cited for using a missile indoors and the pastor was cited for aiding and abetting. Both were fined $109. Now, that's great and all…but I'm just curious what the lesson was that required a teaching tool like an arrow being shot in a church…possibly in the general direction of a statue of the Virgin Mary? "You must follow the path, straight and narrow…like the path of an arrow. Brother Johnson, will you kindly show them the way?" A man in the front row stands up with a bow and quiver. "Ugh…excuse me, Pastor? What's going on here?" "Brother Johnson and I are gonna teach y'all a lesson…by firing this arrow, straight & narrow, towards the center of the crucifix?" There's a rustle amongst the crowd as wagers are already being made with regards to the accuracy. "What does that have to do with anything? Shouldn't we focus more on how to live on the righteous path rather than some silly metaphor?" Someone in the crowd yells back, "Shut up Rogers, I've got ten bucks saying he pulls it right and the arrow hits the painting behind it." "Brother Rogers, please leave." "Sure thing. I'm not gonna be here for this." Sometimes metaphors can be dangerous…especially in church…with projectile weaponry.

Well, that'll do it for this evening. As mentioned before, Hot Yoga tonight, probably followed by some more Wildboyz (I do have all four seasons mind you). Tomorrow is when there's supposed to be "the storm of the year" bringing something like 7-8 inches of snow to the Denver Metro area…and allegedly 8-20 feet in the mountains or something like that…but we'll see. I have yet to see more than an inch or so in one dusting of the area…and that's just enough to make everything slick. Be careful out there, ladies & gentlemen. Have a great day everybody!!!