Pilates, Purses, & Potatoes

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It finally snowed here in Denver. Just a little bit though. Here's the thing, I woke up this morning…and it was cloudy outside (by the way, I was in the clouds, it was awesome) so I glanced down on the ground…and it wasn't even wet. Dang it!!! I hop in the shower (well, not hop…but more of a careful sidestep), dry off, walk into the bedroom…and see a white flurry outside of my window. I gallop over to the window and look down…and this is what I see…

Anyway, so it snowed…and other people had to drive in it…but it was only for about ten minutes. Last night at the gym, I warmed up with a little basketball to stretch out and get the blood going…and then meandered into a Pilates Mat class. Now, as you can probably guess, I've never done Pilates before…and I think the (super hot) instructor picked up on that immediately (perhaps the baggy shorts were a clue) but she welcomed me and had me sit right up front (eye candy for both of us?). I found out a few things about Pilates…and myself. Pilates seem to be a lot like what I perceive Yoga to be…so basically a lot of stretching and holding positions and focusing on certain muscles groups…like kegels. "Okay, now focus on the kegel muscles." "Ugh…excuse me miss. Granted I'm the only guy here but…do I even have kegel muscles? I've only heard about those in Le Mas classes before." "Tehehehe, yes, you have kegels. They're the muscles here in your lower abdomen and inner thighs." "OH!!! My biker short muscles. Okay, I've got ya. Sorry everybody. First time." Yeah, I wasn't the most graceful person there…but I was the only guy…and the eye candy was very nice. Even at the end some of the ladies were asking if they had "scared me off" and I very well may try that again. It was a pretty good work out. Oh…and the things that I learned about me…were that I do have kegels, I need to stretch more, and don't go into a class where you stretch and contract your torso and buttocks a lot…when you may have a fart on deck. You'll be clenching muscles that you didn't know you had…just to keep from being that guy who ripped one in a peaceful environment and threw off everybody's balance. Just words of advice…and here's some holy news…

Divine Intervention - This one is for my friend Mickey who's really into those big, flashy, trendy, overpriced purses. Police say the contents in an oversized purse saved Elizabeth Pittenger, a 22-year-old Middle Tennessee State University student, by stopping a bullet during an attempted robbery. Pittenger was walking to her car on campus Thursday evening when a man confronted her and demanded her purse, cell phone and laptop, university Police Chief Buddy Peaster said. She fought the man off, but he fired a gunshot before fleeing. The bullet was found inside the purse, along with a calculator, umbrella and small case that had been punctured. Pittenger was not injured. Police nearby heard the gunshot and arrested twenty-year old Orlando Edmiston. Officers found a .38 caliber handgun beneath a parked van. Edmiston was charged with attempted murder, attempted armed robbery and possession of a weapon on school property. He was being held at the Rutherford County jail on $32,500 bond. So whenever your husband or boyfriend or whatever gives you a hard time with "You spent HOW MUCH on that purse?" then you can just say that it could save your life one day. Hopefully he'll have some kind of good counterargument...and then you can resort to threatening the withholding of certain services…and the circle of negotiation is complete. I was actually surprised that was all she had in her purse. I was expecting a list of contents that would cover at least two to three pages.

Now THAT'S a Challenge - The pastor of a mega-church says he will challenge married congregants during his sermon Sunday to have sex for seven straight days — and he plans to practice what he preaches. I'm guessing he means each of seven consecutive days...but I like the idea of continuiously for a full week. That sounds like a real carb burner. "We're going to give it a try," said the Rev. Ed Young, who has four children with his wife of 26 years. Young is the founder of the nondenominational Fellowship Church (not to be confused with a church worshipping Frodo & the Lord of the Rings ideology), which draws about 20,000 people each Sunday and has campuses in Fort Worth, Plano, and Miami. He believes society promotes promiscuity and he wants to reclaim sex for married couples. Sex should be a nurturing, spiritual act that strengthens marriages, he said. "God says sex should be between a married man and a woman," Young said. "I think it's one of the greatest things you can do for your kids because so goes the marriage, so goes the family." Young said he will deliver his seven-day sex challenge while sitting on a bed in front of his Dallas-area church campus. Finally, a preacher that wants me to get laid regularly. Now, I understand that his stance is probably because he thinks society is a bunch of tramps and whores…and because he specified the whole man-woman thing, there's probably some kind of bigotry associated with it too…but seriously, why is it that married couples don't get down to business as much as singles? I mean…is the Fire & Passion just lost? Do they become bored with one another? Is the body just not willing? Are they just not motivated to try new things? I don't know. Well, for that part then, I say go with Reverend Young's suggestion…reclaim sex not just for marriage…but for yourselves!!! If you need any help, you know my number. I've always got some suggestions…because I think too much…and don't get a lot of practice. Sigh…but it could be worse…

Mr. Potato Butt - Here's a local Utah story that…well, just read it…then we'll discuss. A clergyman (so it goes with the theme) claims a potato got stuck up his ass after he fell on the vegetable while hanging curtains in the nude. He insisted to hospital officials he had not been playing a sex game and that he was hanging curtains in the buff when "he fell backwards on to the kitchen table" where the potato was sitting. The clergyman had to undergo surgery to get the tater removed. So many holes in this story…and not just the one that was violated. First off, why hang your curtains…in the nude? Are you trying to traumatize the neighbor kids? Maybe the reason you're hanging the curtains is so you can walk around the house in the nude? Also, how did you fall? A ladder? Standing on the couch? A slippery countertop where you had just peeled some potatoes? How high were these curtain rods? Do you have some kind of massive 20-foot ceiling in your kitchen which would require you to stand or use a ladder hanging curtains so close to the kitchen? Also, this may be something for Mythbusters (or my idea with Kari Byron, Nutbusters) but with what kind of brute force would this tater need to have to lodge itself into your backdoor (with a direct hit, mind you) and not completely destroy your sphincter muscles? Also, why was there butter on the potato…and what appears to be sour cream? Okay, I made that last one up…but I'm not filing the police report. Anyway, so yeah, big thanks to Cat for sharing this tale with me…and just one more question for the clergyman. If this wasn't a sex game…and it still happened…does that just mean that God wanted you to have a tater up your butt? Perhaps seeing things from a different point of view? Maybe some kind of cosmic justice for opposing certain ways of life? Just a thought. Speaking of which, I wonder what the procedure is for removing a potato. Barbecue tongs? Fortunately, I’m not that kind of doctor.

Anyway, I'll leave you all with that little image burning in your brain for a while. Be sure to check out the One Day Photo Project site to see some nifty pictures…including mine from yesterday. Today at the gym, I honestly have no idea what's going on. Maybe yoga, maybe basketball, we'll see what I feel like when I get there…and then for the weekend, I'm helping out another department again for some extra money. Should be fun…though it could be funner. Have a great day everybody!!!