Never Go Full Retard

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, my legs were still aching pretty bad…and I didn't want to make things worse by doing the Cardio Chisel class…so I basically just did some upper body work and then called it a day at the gym. I know, weak…but it's better than pushing things too far and not being able to walk, right? That's my story and I'm sticking to it. So instead I caught up with my buddy JJ (who I still haven't forgotten despite her fears last year) and she's doing fine. I also emailed Amelia, Lilie, Princess T, & JL Clyde among others.

In today's recession (gasp, he said recession) I've been trying to think of ways to make ends meet…and I'm feeling inspired to start writing. Now, I've never really written before (gasp) except for a silly movie script about three years ago and some poetry here and there (needed English credits) but people keep telling me that I have a gift (Gift in German means "Poison" by the way, so that always startles me). Some have suggested that I write sappy romance novels with a twist of humor…because apparently, ladies like that stuff…and are willing to pay a few bucks for a story like that...and may have sex with the author. Hmm, this intrigues me. Funny sexy stories in a world that I control, money for rent & a new Bentley, knowing that women are having steamy fantasies around the world just because of my words (and possibly my superimposed picture on the cover), possible movie deals down the road, stalkers…who may have sex with me instead of just creep me out, what's not cool about that? "But $teve, what if nobody gives a damn about your story? What if they don't find them interesting?" If there are millions of people out there reading "Twilight" just because it has vampires in it, I think I can do that…and when the ladies read it, the guys will buy their copies too…just so they have something in common to talk about and break that ice. No need to thank me, just pay it forward…and in cash when you buy my book. I'll let you know when it gets published.

In my boredom last night, I watched "Tropic Thunder" starring Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey, Matthew McConaughey, Steve Coogan, and a surprisingly hilarious Tom Cruise. Now, I had been told by some that this movie was hilarious and offensive, which I'm totally down with. I was also warned that it was slow at times…and that Ben Stiller directed it, so it was a gamble…but the gamble paid off. The story is about making a Vietnam war movie with an action star (Stiller), a comedian (Black), and an academy award winner (Downey) and hijinx that ensue when they're found to be pansies…and the director (Coogan) decides to really put them in the thick of the jungle to get a great performance out of them…and then blows up. Now they're alone in the jungle…and crazy…and the movie's actually pretty funny…and a little offensive…but honestly, what do you expect? Best part - The Forrest Gump reference. You'll see it. Also a great part, the movie's producer (played by Cruise) is hilarious…and really knows how to dance. I would highly recommend checking this movie out. Don't be scared that it's directed by Ben Stiller, it's still pretty funny…unlike most of his other stuff. See? Now he's probably reading this and thinking "I was going to produce the movie based on his novel…but f**k that." It happens. Besides, you mock-killed a panda. Shame on you…though it was kind of funny. I'll get Cruise to produce anyway…or at least Matt & Trey. Anyway, here's some other movie news...

He-Man Update - No, I haven't been cast to play Prince Adam or Man-of-Arms or even Lockjaw (yet) but apparently they're planning on making a new "He-Man" movie since I seem to be the only one that remembers or cares about "Masters of the Universe" from back in 1987 starring Dolph Lundgren ("Rocky IV"), Frank Langella ("Cutthroat Island") and Courtney Cox ("Scream"?). Anyway, "Kung Fu Panda" co-director John Stevenson is rumored to be attached to direct the new live-action "He-Man" for Silver Pictures reports Latino Review. According to their sources, the former Muppet Show character designer and animation artist pitched a new take on the Mattel and cartoon character which got him the job. This should be interesting. The fact that the director has extensive experience in both puppetry and CGI makes this an intriguing project since "Masters of the Universe" (even when I was 6) seemed a little out of place with Dolph Lundgren in his He-Man attire running around the streets of our world instead of Eternia. Special effects have come a long way in the past twenty years. We shall see. Anybody else out there a fan of He-Man? Orco? Teela? Hmm, maybe they can get a She-Ra cameo in there. Rrrrrrrrrrr…. (by the way, that's me rolling my tongue)

The Great Escape 2 - As you may recall, my namesake is the great Steve McQueen…and probably his most famous movie is "The Great Escape." There was even a reference in "Tropic Thunder" - "What if Steve McQueen in the Great Escape had just decided, we're just gonna…run away." "That's exactly what the point of the movie was." Anyway, here's a few possible sequels…based on true stories. Wolfgang Wiese, a Viersen (Germany) police spokesperson said a 37-year-old Turkish national, whose seven-year prison sentence for drug dealing runs to 2011, had escaped from the Willich prison by hiding in a cardboard box about to be picked up by a recycling truck. "Shortly after the truck that he riding in got beyond prison walls, he slit open the box and then cut open the truck's tarpaulin to escape. I've never seen anything like this." Police have been searching in vain for the fugitive since last week. An international search warrant is being prepared in the event he is not found soon. So yeah, not exactly all the intrigue of the original…more like something out of a Metal Gear Solid video game…but still, kudos for the ingenuity. I've already got the actor picked out for the Turkish national (Jason Statham), Herr Wiese (Gary Oldman), and the chief inspector appointed with bringing him to justice (Rutger Hauer in his comeback special). This movie will probably come out about the same time his prison sentence will end now…so about 2025 instead of 2011. We may need to recast at that point. Also, some of you fellow movie nerds out there may be saying, "But $teve, there already was a Great Escape 2 TV movie…and it starred Christopher Reeve, Judd Hirsch, and Ian McShane." You're absolutely correct…but honestly, has anybody really seen that movie? Tell me one line from that movie. What inspiring words helps Superman rally the troops? The defense rests, your Honor.

The Great Escape 3 (on Cinemax) - Three male and three female inmates at a southern Indiana jail face charges that they devised a way to sneak between cell blocks to help pass their time behind bars by having sex. The inmates figured out how to remove metal ceiling panels in the Greene County Jail and used the passageway more than a dozen times in September and October, according to court documents. The men (ages 44, 38 and 17) and the women (ages 27, 26 and 21) crawled through the ceiling after midnight, having sexual encounters and drinking homemade alcohol that was found hidden in the male cell block (which I assume is code for "anus"), according to a police affidavit. One male inmate who was not charged (and liked to watch?) said the female inmates would "hang-out, play cards or have sex with some of the male inmates" in their cell block. The inmates were able to find a security camera "blind spot" where they could remove ceiling tiles and create a passage between the cell blocks, Sheriff Terry Pierce said Tuesday. The inmates used a shower drain as a tool to loosen security screws and the ceiling tiles were carefully replaced so they did not appear to be disturbed. The ceiling panels have since been secured, and Pierce said he was seeking funding to improve security at the jail, which was built in 1994 in the city about 25 miles southeast of Bloomington. Pierce called the inmates' activities "embarrassing" to himself and his staff. So…there's no Germans involved, probably no inspiring words of motivation other than "Dude, deez chicks from Cell Block double D is gon' be giving us ours conjugal visits. Les dudis!!!" and there really wasn't even an escape involved...but there is one thing that it has going for it…and that's hot, steamy, forbidden heterosexual prison sex scenes…which is why Cinemax would pick it up. As far as casting, I'm sure Dean Cain would be in on it, maybe Ving Rhames, and that Haley Joel Osment kid for the young'un (though he just debuted on Broadway) and for the girls, I will PERSONALLY go through casting calls for this one…so if you or somebody you know can play between the ages of 21 and 27, send me a demo tape…or better yet, holla. We'll see what we can do to make you a star.

Jurassic Park 4 / Ice Age 3 - Bringing "Jurassic Park" one step closer to reality (and keeping my sequels theme going), scientists have deciphered much of the genetic code of the woolly mammoth, a feat they say could allow them to recreate the shaggy, prehistoric beast in as little as a decade or two. The project marks the first time researchers have spelled out the DNA of an extinct species, and it raised the possibility that other ancient animals such as mastodons, sabertooth tigers, dinosaurs, and by that time…tigers & pandas might someday walk the Earth again. "It could be done. The question is, just because we might be able to do it one day, should we do it?" asked Stephan Schuster, a Penn State University biochemist and co-author of the new research. "I would be surprised to see if it would take more than 10 or 20 years to do it." Full-sized mammoths, about 8 to 14 feet tall like elephants, became extinct around 10,000 years ago. To obtain the DNA, scientists relied on 20 mammoth balls found frozen in the Siberian permafrost. Sorry, let me rephrase…two balls of mammoth hair…found frozen in the Siberian permafrost. That technique, along with major improvements in genome sequencing and the still-emerging field of synthetic biology, is helping biologists envision a science-fiction future. Past efforts to analyze ancient DNA often used material extracted from fossilized bones, which frequently became contaminated with bacteria, viruses and parasites over thousands of years. For example, efforts to study Neanderthal DNA have been hampered because only about 6 percent of the recovered genetic material actually belonged to our ancient cousins…and were probably their own grandpa anyway. So yeah, I guess scientists are going to start with big, hairy elephants and gargantuan sloths…and then eventually work their way back to vicious, pack-roaming Velociraptors and a few T-Rexes to even out the herds once they take over the world. Honestly though, is there any place that could support a wooly mammoth now due to global warming? Siberia maybe…but do they have enough vegetation to feed ONE? Mr. Schuster's right. Just because we can, should we? I say yes…but I lack foresight…and I wanna see me some big, hairy elephants…and then try to take one down with only my cunning…and a spear. "Welcome to the 21st century, bitch!!!" or the saucier alternative, "That's not the first time I've planted my spear into a huge trunk (drag of cigarette) but yours was definitely the hairiest, baby!" Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Well, that'll do it for today. My steak is still alive for NaBloPoMo, we talked about a funny movie, some possible sequels, a new career as a writer or smut novels, even dinosaurs and pandas were involved. All in all, I'd say a great entry today. But what do you think? I'm dying to hear your comments. Most importantly though, have a great day!!!