Disguised As Mild-Mannered Clark Kent

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Friday night, it was snowing quite a bit when I drove home from work...so when the time came to start heading to the Sugar Bowl to see the Film Festival, I decided against it. However, around 7:30 it stopped, cleared up & was a beautiful evening. Darn. Well Saturday was beautiful the whole day through. So I made it up there to watch a few movies. Also, the drive up there...was absolutely gorgeous. Overlooking Donner Lake, on a clear full moon lit night, you can see the twinkling lights of Truckee in the distance...and yeah, it was gorgeous. Unfortunately, I didn't have a camera...but that's why I went back after the gym this morning. Here are some foggy daytime pictures...and where you see the fog, that's where Donner Lake would be...but hey, I'm sure I'll make my way up there again soon. Hopefully with company next time...

Can you find the back country snowboarder?

Anyway, the first movie was "Last Son" about the origin of the Superman character by Cleveland born & bred buddies Jerry Siegel & Joe Schuster. It went into the details of how they came up with the character using their Depression-era Cleveland surroundings & life stories to come up with the origin story, physical traits, even the names of characters. It was actually really good. Even if you're not a comic book geek, it's interesting. The part that got me...was they sold the rights to the character to Action Comics (remember the famous first issue?) for $130. That's it. Then they were in court for the next 60 years trying to get it back...but hey, that's how it goes. That's up there with Manhattan Island being bought for a few sacks of beans.

Next was "Open Space" which was a documentary about snowboarding legend and local Mike Basich and his story & passion for snowboarding. He also built a pretty fantastic house up here in Truckee too. He and the director Dalton were there to answer questions and stuff too. The main theme and feeling from the movie is just that Mike has this enormous passion for what he does...and it hasn't made him a billionaire or anything...but he has his family, his husky Summit, and he snowboards everyday and lives in his dream home because of the hard work that he's put into it & he just loves every moment of his life. It's truly an amazing thing...and I hope that we all have a chance to even sample it in our lives.

Honestly, that's really about it to report this weekend. I had a few thoughts and whatnot along the way...but I'd hate to bore you with my ramblings about how lucky I am to be here in Tahoe, doing a job that I really enjoy, with family & friends all around the world who keep me company from afar, and just an overall positive outlook on life. I really am blessed...and sometimes when I'm here by myself, I kinda forget that. Maybe it's the whole human condition of wanting more than you have...but I really am blessed...and if I can even share a little bit of this with y'all, then my job is done. I wish you could all feel what I feel and better. Have a great day everybody!!!

Foxy Zombies with Dr Love

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s the end of the workweek once again. You’ve got a few days off (hopefully) and you’re in a good mood. Sure, work was rough this week. All the monthly reports with March starting on Monday, same old problems but new ways of wording it, memos going unread and leading to bigger problems, that guy that smells like burnt cheese & onions and never learned the art of peripherals, the lady with too much cheap perfume, meeting after meeting after meeting, yet another sexual harassment training (seriously, should I be concerned that I seem to be in one of those classes every few weeks?), but now… you can sleep in, watch TV in your undies (or robe if you’re married I guess), maybe catch a flick, go have a few beers, go for a walk, shoot some hoops, maybe catch up on some chores but at your pace, whatever. It’s your weekend. What’s that? Oh, a storm is coming? Well that’s okay. More reason to kick back at home, do a few chores, then relax by the fireplace in your undies watching whatever. What? You don’t have a fireplace? Tragic. Well then, let me see if I can’t warm you up by the end of this post…

Free Speech for Zombies? – Okay, we’re off to a bad start with warming you up…but trust me, it’s interesting…and more reason to bundle up in a blanket by the fireplace…maybe with a machete or a shotgun nearby, just in case. They're said to utter little more than an occasional groan and “braaains”, but zombies (the blood-drenched monsters of Hollywood "B" movies) still have a right to free speech, a US court ruled this week. An appeals court in the northern US city of Minneapolis, Minnesota on Wednesday allowed a group of zombies -- or rather, several protesters costumed as such -- to press ahead with their lawsuit against police who arrested them for disorderly conduct. The appeals court overturned a lower court in finding that the group of seven "zombies" had been wrongfully detained during a 2006 shopping mall protest against consumerism (makes sense in a way). The three-judge panel, by a two-to-one vote, ruled that Minneapolis police lacked probable cause to arrest the demonstrators for disorderly conduct. At the time of the protest, the plaintiffs were wearing makeup that gave them a "living dead" look: white face powder, fake blood and black circles around their eyes (I’ve seen worse on girls with too much makeup at the mall). They lurched stiff-legged through the halls of the mall urging shoppers to "get your brains here" and "brain cleanup in aisle five." (Wait, so…were they at a grocery store? I’m confused now. My brains hurt) In various bags, the protesters carried audio equipment including loudspeakers and wireless phone handsets, which police had described as "simulated weapons of mass destruction." (Really?) The judicial panel upheld the lower court in dismissing the plaintiffs' claims of "false imprisonment" and "First Amendment retaliation" by Minneapolis police after being put in jail for two nights. But the appeals court sided with the protesters in ruling that police had no reason to imprison them simply for "dressing as zombies, and walking erratically in downtown Minneapolis," the court decision said. "An objectively reasonable person would not think probable cause exists under the Minnesota disorderly conduct statue to arrest a group of peaceful people for engaging in an artistic protest by playing music, broadcasting statements (and) dressing as zombies," the appeals court ruled. The decision allows the protesters to revive their lawsuit against Minneapolis and its police, which according to the Star Tribune newspaper seeks damages of at least $50,000 per person arrested. Well, good luck with that, zombies. This kinda would’ve went into yesterday’s post about the law…but I think we’re missing the big picture here. Zombies have access to all the rights that we do. This is a slippery slope. Today it’s Free Speech and Habeas Corpus (or Corpses?). Tomorrow, maybe it’s the right to bear arms and property ownership (such as cemeteries). Then marriage, adoption, voting, etc. Then before you know it, we have our first Zombie President (though Bob Dole was pretty close to beating all of this). You think Health Care’s a hot button now? Just wait until you’re trying to put your brains back into your skull and your family’s all infected with the Rage (or whatever the plot for most zombie movies are nowadays). There’s a lot more dead people than live people. It’s bound to happen. Hopefully the Supreme Court can stop this…but then again, they’ve made some questionable decision recently too. Do zombies have a lobbyist group? I’m surprised this hasn’t been on the Daily Show. Or even Fox News. Unless… nooooo. Could Fox News be secretly backing the Zombie Party? And more importantly, with this whimsical rambling of random conjectures and slanderous hearsay, why don’t I have my own show on that network?

Robbin’ Old Folks Then We Makin’ the Daaaash – Who doesn’t love Slick Rick? Seriously? Well, it’s a little different…because instead of robbing old people, it’s better put old people robbing. An 80-year-old woman with a criminal record stretching back to 1955 (“GREAT SCOTT!!!”) has been sentenced to three years in state prison for ransacking and stealing cash from a Southern California medical office. Doris Thompson thanked a judge Wednesday for not sending her to Los Angeles County jail, which she doesn't like (few do), and said she deserved a longer sentence (they probably just don’t expect you to last too long). She also told the judge, "God bless you" (probably adding three months to her sentence for bringing church into the state…though they still make you swear on the Bible, what’s up with that?). State records show Thompson, who has used 27 aliases (that she remembers), has repeatedly been arrested during the past 55 years, mainly for petty theft and burglary. She's gone to jail several times. Thompson slipped into the medical office on December 19th and stole money from drawers. She pleaded guilty to burglary and was ordered to pay about $1,400 in restitution. She will be eligible for parole in about 18 months. It’s gonna be really difficult for her to relax by the fireplace for the next year or so. So be thankful that you’re not an elderly kleptomaniac.

Drunken Ninja – Okay, so I’m really not doing too well with this getting you all warmed up…but trust me, it’ll get better. This is just a little bit of a scare tactic to get closer to you. You know, like watching a scary movie…then we embrace each other in a cocoon of safety…and then one thing lead to another…and then police say the mother of an elementary school student drank a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor (Colt 45?) before brandishing a sword in her child's school. The woman, 32, apparently intended to confront the parents of another child who had been in a spitting match with her child the previous day. According to court records, an employee at Riverview Elementary School in Memphis reported a drunk woman armed with a sword was running through the halls of the school and had threatened to cut her. Officers who arrived on the scene retrieved a black cane that concealed the blade. The woman was charged with aggravated assault and having a weapon on school property (thanks to Beale Street, public drunkenness isn’t an offense apparently). Man, kids are real p***ies nowadays. A spitting match? Really? That’s it? Not even a black eye or a bloody nose or so much as a torn shirt? Spitting? I think mom had the right idea. “You expelled my child for spitting? Now I have to find a babysitter? I don’t play that.” “Ma’am it’s school policy to expel any student that’s involved…” Sword is unsheathed, “I’ll cut ya, b**ch.” Then the chase ensues. It’s okay, you’re safe. Here, share this blanket with me. Now that’s we’re close enough to get a deep whiff of each other’s pheromones, I’m gonna crank the heat up a bit…

Paris Too Hot for Brazil? Really? - Paris Hilton is giving blondes a bad name (and the sky is blue). So says Brazil's Secretariat for Women's Affairs, which wants a sultry beer commercial starring the hotel heiress, model and actor off the air (like those Carl’s Jr commercials that made me almost vomit…which I didn’t think was possible with a burger commercial). The ad features Hilton in a short black dress preening and rubbing a can of Devassa beer on herself, to the delight of onlookers watching through her window (frat boy lube?). The commercial isn't very explicit — especially in a land where postage-stamp-size bikinis are ubiquitous. But Brazil's regulations say beer commercials cannot treat women as overtly sensual objects. "It's an ad that devalues women — in particular, blond women," according to a spokeswoman for the Women's Secretariat who said it received numerous complaints. She spoke Thursday on condition of anonymity because she was not free to discuss the case. Many Brazilian beer ads feature women in bikinis — but a key difference is that those are set on the beach, said Eduardo Correia, a spokesman for the regulator Conar, which has opened three separate investigations into the campaign. "The problem with the ad isn't a lack of clothing, but its sensual nature. A woman in a bikini on a beach isn't necessarily sensual; it depends on the context." Conar is a private agency that cannot legally force a company to remove an ad…but Correia said that in 23 years of existence, Conar has conducted more than 7,000 investigations and not one of its recommendations has been ignored. Devassa, which means "naughty" in the most gentle of translations, is made by Grupo Schincariol. Calls to the company were not immediately returned Thursday. Devassa's "Bem Loura" ("Very Blond") beer also features an Internet campaign with Hilton wearing lingerie and high heels. Hilton was in Brazil last week during Carnival for the opening of the ad campaign. Photos in local newspapers showed her crawling on the floor in a VIP room during the extravagant samba parades. Okay, she must just like being the stereotype of a rich slut. That’s all I can figure. I mean…you’re rich. Like RICH!!! Why go to Brazil to crawl around & star in beer commercials? Maybe she wants to make it on her own & not use daddy’s money…and she’s just using what God gave her…and I can respect that. Still though. If you have enough dignity to not live off your parents, then maybe… I don’t know. Go to school. Be a role model or something. I don’t know. Oh…and I have no problem with sensual beer commercials or advertising. You all know this. (blbrrr…) Oh God, I just threw up a little again thinking of Paris eating a burger & rubbing herself down with naughty beer. Excuse me…

Angel Update – Remember Vanessa Angel? From “Kingpin” and the “Weird Science” TV series? How about Christina Applegate from “The Sweetest Thing” and “Married with Children”? Of course you do. And how could you possibly forget Alyssa Milano from “Fear” and “Charmed” (and “Who’s the Boss?”)? Well, what if I were to tell you that all three of them were going to star in another grotesquely funny Farrelly Brothers movie? You’d probably crap yourself with excitement, right? Well, Christina Applegate, Alyssa Milano and Vanessa Angel have all joined the Farrelly brothers comedy "Hall Pass" at New Line and Warner Bros. Pictures says The Hollywood Reporter. The story revolves around two couples with both wives giving their husbands permission to engage in extramarital encounters. When the wives begin exercising the same privilege for themselves, things get complicated (remember the whole jealousy study from the other day?). “So $teve, who else is going to be in this sexy romp?” I’m glad you asked…because Owen Wilson, Jason Sudeikis (“SNL”), Jenna Fischer (“The Office”), Amanda Bynes (“Big Fat Liar”), Stephen Merchant, J.B. Smoove, Larry Campbell, Nicky Whelan and Derek Waters also star. Shooting kicked off this week in Atlanta. So yeah, there you go…and enjoy these while I throw a few logs on the fire…

Angelina Update - The "Wanted" sequel has apparently been cancelled after Angelina Jolie pulled out (tehehe, sorry) of the project reports Vulture. According to the column, Universal decided to pull the plug on the film instead of recasting the role. The first film's helmer Timur Bekmambetov was set to direct and James McAvoy was going to return as Wesley Gibson in the film which was to shoot later this year. Instead Jolie is now expected to star in the space thriller "Gravity" which Alfonso Cuarón ("Children of Men") is helming for Warner Bros. and Legendary Pictures. Jolie would play the sole survivor of a space mission gone wrong who desperately tries to return to Earth and see her daughter again (so “Changeling” meets “2001: Space Odyssey”?). David Heyman, who worked with Cuaron on "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban", will produce. Cuaron co-wrote the script with his son Jonás. Jolie is currently shooting the Johnny Depp-led thriller "The Tourist" in Paris. You know, I’m not one to ask stupid questions for no reason…and spoiler alert for anybody who didn’t see the first “Wanted” movie…but didn’t Fox (Jolie) DIE in the original? Was there going to be a Zombie Fox? Which leads me to my next question…and I’m sure it’s been asked around a few campfires…but would you still want to f**k a Zombie Angelina? I thought so…and that’s why the sequel was planned for a few moments. Anyway, no big loss…because now, we get a sexy space thriller to follow up a steamy Parisian thriller with her & Johnny Depp. More sex, less violence. I like it.

Fox Update – Not Zombie Fox…but the real Fox. Mickey Rourke has had some great things to say about his costar Megan Fox…but first, it’s been a pretty good week for Mickey in other news too, so we’ll get to that first. Filming on "Conan", the upcoming new adaptation of Robert E. Howard's fantasy epic about the sword-wielding barbarian (you remember the Arnie movies), kicks off in Bulgaria on March 15th so some final elements are now being locked down. First up, an early report that first surfaced at Latino Review, and has now been confirmed by Heat Vision, states that Mickey Rourke is in negotiations to play Conan's father in the adventure. The film follows Conan (played by Jason Momoa) as he embarks on a quest to avenge the murder of his people. Leo Howard stars as the younger incarnation of the character who will be the one most likely to interact with Rourke's father character. Meanwhile a reliable source has revealed that scribe Sean Hood has been hired to rewrite Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer's script. Hood penned "Hercules", a screenplay with similar themes for producers Joe Gatta and Boaz Davidson at Millennium Films who are also working on "Conan". "Conan" director Marcus Nispel (also did “Pathfinder” which kicks ass & the sh*tty “Friday the 13th” remake) and Hood previously worked together on the script for sci-fi/thriller "Subterranean" which may shoot later this year. So you may get to see Mickey swing an axe or two in a few flashbacks. Good for him. Some ladies find him attractive, I’m told. But now to the real news…and why this is a Fox Update.

While working together on the movie “Passion Play”, Mickey Rourke has discovered the reason that Megan Fox doesn't get the props she deserves. "People say bad stuff about her and how she can't act, but they only say that because she's beautiful. She's the most talented actress I've worked with. When she cries in a scene, I get emotional." I hear ya, buddy. How about that? Hollywood leading man for the past three decades (okay the 90’s weren’t the best time for him) says that Megan Fox is the most talented actress that he has ever worked with. That holds a lot of clout. Not a tremendous amount as if a Tom Hanks or Marlon Brando said it…but still, kudos for sticking up for my girl while the media bashes on her. What? You want to know why it doesn’t hold as much clout. Well, I hate to say it…but if you’re to look at the specifics of his statement, you realize that she doesn’t have a whole lot of competition. She’s talented in my opinion…and not just fantastic eye candy…but you also have to look at actresses that Mickey Rourke was worked with over the years. Here are some of the highlights…and yes, these are the best that I could find…

Marisa Tomei - “The Wrestler” (2008) – “But $teve, she’s an Academy Award winning actress?” Really? Have you ever seen “My Cousin Vinny”? I have absolutely no idea how to constitute an Oscar being given to her for that. She played an annoying (yet hot) stereotype with an annoying accent and a love for muscle cars (again, hot). That’s like Rosie Perez getting an Academy Award for “White Men Can’t Jump” in my opinion. (“But Beeeelly, I want to make love” shiver). Still she was pretty good in this movie for what was ultimately a bit of an awkward role.

Jaime King & Carla Gugino – “Sin City” (2005) – “But $teve, there were a lot of good actresses in that movie?” Yup…and Mickey didn’t work with them. Hell, there’s so much CGI in that movie, I’m not sure if anybody was in the same room at the same time. I love this movie. There’s no denying that…and I really like Carla Gugino as a tough-ass actress…but they had two scenes together…and Carla was (thankfully) naked for both of them. Go ahead, call my bluff. Watch it again. Jaime King’s a model…and that’s why she barely talks in this movie…and it’s probably best that way. Sorry Goldie.

Keira Knightley – “Domino” (2006) – Keira Knightley is a socialite turned bounty hunter. That is all you need to know about this movie really. I didn’t even watch it until the end. Based on a true story.

Salma Hayek & Eva Mendes – “Once Upon a Time in Mexico” (2003) – I’ll have to watch the movie again to see if he’s in a scene with either of these two. It’s been a while. I’m pretty sure he was bummed that he had that Chihuahua on his arm the whole time rather than either of these chicas. And yes, I know that he loved his Chihuahua...but come on, nobody can love their dog more than those two. Really.

Mimi Rogers – “Desperate Hours” (1990) – Sir Anthony Hopkins was in this movie. Now if he were to say Megan Fox is the most talented actress he’s ever worked with, then you’ve really got something to hang a career on. However, if you’re comparing her with Mrs. Kensington from “Austin Powers” instead of Jodie Foster… Sigh… I hate dissecting things like this…but it’s what I do sometimes. I’d make a great lawyer.

Ellen Barkin – “Johnny Handsome” (1989) – An ironic title given that this was just after the horrific motorcycle accident that almost killed him…but hey, Ellen Barkin’s got some clout. “Ocean’s 13”, “The Big Easy” (with my doppelganger Dennis Quaid), “Wild Bill”, “The Fan”, how about as the waitress in “Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas”? No? Nothing memorable for ya? Okay.

Lisa Bonet – “Angel Heart” (1987) – GOD!!! This movie was horrible…yet I can’t seem to forget it. So the girl from “The Cosby Show” is this gorgeous, wholesome young woman…and then in this movie, she spends half of it bucky naked, half Mickey’s age and among the many memorable scenes (like the first time you see a cow slaughtered) is a gory sex scene & what I like to call “The I Love Chicken Dance” (and the ladies love for me to act out).

Kim Basinger – “Nine ½ Weeks” (1986) – NOW we’re getting somewhere. Remember this movie? Mmm… And Kim Basinger? Star of “LA Confidential”, “8 Mile”, “Cool World”, “Wayne’s World 2” (Horn-eh, it’s French), & “Batman”? Sigh…okay so in those movies she’s basically just playing hot (and doing it well) but I think she got a nod from the Academy for “LA Confidential” opposite Russell Crowe. Great flick by the way. Then again, she wasn’t at her best in “Cool World” so that kinda maybe negates that. Okay, so oddly enough, she’s basically the Alec Baldwin of actresses, so what? I’m trying to help.

Summary: Okay, so basically he’s just saying that at the current time he feels that Miss Fox is a better actress than Kim Basinger or Keira Knightley, which isn’t a bold statement at all. I like that Mickey’s backing her though…because she seems too humble (at least in the interviews) to say anything back to her critics (probably a good move too). So, I’m probably going to watch Passion Play…but I may have to wait for the DVD because well…they probably won’t even have it in Reno for more than opening weekend, which is unfortunate. Oh well, Jonah Hex, The Crossing and others will probably be widespread (mmm… wide spread…) releases so I may be able to get my Foxy Theatre Fix this year. Or worst-case, I get to enjoy her acting skills on my own big screen at home…next to the fireplace…maybe with you.

Woo, it’s getting a little sweaty up in here. Sorry about all that. Oh my, you’re taking all of your clothes off because it’s so warm. Here, have some more chilled champagne. That’ll help. What’s that? You like it hot & sweaty. Well okay then. Come again? Oh okay, we can go into the other room if you’d like. Of course I do. Swords, knives, a few blunt objects strategically placed throughout… OH, you mean THAT kind of protection. Oh yes, I have that as well…and a big gun. Well ladies & gentlemen, if you’ll excuse me, I have to try to keep this sweet thing warm in this harsh weather. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Snuggle up with somebody you Love.

I AM THE LAW!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It has been busy busy at work as usual…but that’s a good thing. It keeps you sharp…and employed, which you know has been a pretty important thing the past year or so. The snow yesterday was really just a warm-up for this weekend where we’re supposed to get a foot or so. Also, some of the locals are telling me that Smarch is snowiest month around these parts. “Brrrrrrrr, lousy Smarch weather…” We’ll see if this interferes with my Film Festival plans…but I’m optimistic as always.

Last night I watched “Law Abiding Citizen” starring Gerard Butler & Jamie Foxx. When it came out a few months ago, like most Gerard Butler movies, I was interested in seeing it in theaters…but didn’t…and nobody that I know saw it either. It’s weird. Did anybody out there see this movie, “Gamer” or “P.S. I Love You” in theatres? Did you see them on DVD? Anyway, back to the movie. It’s about a man (Butler) whose wife & daughter are brutally murdered…and through the trial, one of the guy makes a plea deal with his lawyer (Foxx) because of a technicality and he may get away completely if he doesn’t. So once again, the Justice system fails. Ten years later, the two criminals die horrible deaths (finally) and of course the suspect is Gerard Butler. Well, he’s playing a game now with the Justice system and trying to bring the whole system down through judges & lawyers dying, explosions all over the place, and all while he’s already locked up in prison. The city of Philadelphia goes into a state of martial law (okay, probably not what would really happen…but hey, I’m not a screenwriter) but overall, it’s a pretty good action flick…and of course, you know my opinion of the legal system…and it’s a cerebral action movie based on that premise. Oh…and it’s directed by F. Gary Gray whose other movies include “Friday”, “The Italian Job”, “Be Cool” and Outkast’s “Miss Jackson” video. So yeah, give it a shot if you like those kind of action movies. It’s not astounding…but it’s not horrible either. It may even give you some ideas for your own brand of vengeance. Oh wait, did I say that out loud? Ugh…here’s the news…and some tales of the law…

Bikini Barista - Pierce County prosecutors filed a charge of unlawful public exposure against a 19-year-old barista accused of wearing only a thong bottom and X-shaped pasties on her nipples (if you want to convert me to a coffee drinker, this is a good start Starbucks). Prosecutors filed the misdemeanor charge Tuesday against the woman who worked at the Bikini Bottoms espresso stand in Puyallup, Washington. A passer-by had complained last October about seeing the woman topless (yes, one passer-by, four months ago, you read that correctly). When a sheriff's deputy went to investigate the woman went to the back of the stand, took off the pasties and put on a bikini top. The News Tribune of Tacoma reported the deputy confiscated the pasties as evidence (after taking a few pictures as well…you know, for evidence). My sweet Jesus, a topless coffee shop. That would be amazing. I feel like I've had this thought before. “Hey $teve, want another lapdance?” “No thanks.” “How about another iced caramel macchiato?” “Sure, better than a cold shower.” “Want an extra shot of milk with that?” “Ugh… Could you be more specific as to the source of said milk?” Don’t judge me. If she’s lactating, not only is it already warm…but perfectly suited for my human physiological needs…and maybe I get to help squeeze it. Again, don’t judge me. I don’t even drink coffee. Yet. And the law should just stay out of my theoretical coffee shops.

Everybody Hates Clowns - A Tampa man faces charges after a deputy spotted him walking in a clown mask. According to jail records, the man was arrested Tuesday and charged with wearing a mask or hood on a public road over the age of 16 and resisting arrest without violence (both real charges). The man, who turned 19 on Wednesday (happy birthday?), has been released from Hillsborough County Jail on $750 bond. The St. Petersburg Times reported that a deputy saw the man wearing a clown mask and bright wig as he walked down a street with two other people. The group fled when deputies tried to question them, but were later located. Okay, so granted clowns are just creepy. Clowns don’t even like clowns…and it’s the only think that a large group of children will ever agree on. But here’s the thing, it’s illegal…and a jailable offense…to wear a mask or hood…on a public road…for anybody over the age of sixteen…in Tampa, Florida. Now, hoods aren’t a big fashion thing in Florida for the most part. But let’s say, it’s October 31st, or the weekend before or after. Hypothetically speaking, if you’re wearing a Halloween mask…and are over the age of sixteen, you don’t even have to be driving home drunk to be in lockup for a few hours. Technically speaking. Not only that…but if you resist arrest by NOT resisting, just sitting, then you face additional charges. Odd, right? So yeah, everybody hates clowns. It’s a proven fact.

50 Cent Update - A Florida woman has sued rapper 50 Cent in New York City, claiming he unlawfully distributed her homemade sex video over the Internet after editing himself into it as a wig-wearing narrator. Lastonia Leviston filed a lawsuit on Wednesday in Manhattan claiming unauthorized use of her name or image and emotional distress caused by the public release of a video she made with a lover in 2008. The lawsuit claims 50 Cent posted the video on his Web site last year after blurring out the lover's face. It also claims the rapper appears in the video wearing a wig and robe and can be heard narrating throughout. The rapper's real name is Curtis Jackson. His lawyer hasn't responded to a phone message seeking comment. Okay, first off, how the f**k did 50 get the video to post? Was it like an audition tape sent to his website? Also, I may have to check out 50 playing the mumbly Bob Costas of Coitus on his website. (spoken through clenched teeth) “Yeah, he positioning himself all up inside her now. He’s got pretty good technique for an amateur. Looks like he’s keepin’ it safe by using one of my Bulletproof condoms. G-G-G-G-UNIT!!! (pumps a few into his fake Jerry curl) Oooh, he’s beatin’ that ass like it owe him money now. Now a word from our sponsor…” It’s no Morgan Freeman talking about the sexual habits of penguins…but hey, I’m sure it’s mildly entertaining. Oh…and as for the law being called into this, yeah obviously if it’s unwarranted or whatever, he’ll probably end up paying a ludicrous sum of money…but again I ask, how did he get the video?

IT’S CALLED A KILLER WHALE!!! – So I assume you’ve all heard about this already…but if not, here you go. Despite calls to free or destroy the animal, SeaWorld said Thursday it will keep the killer whale that drowned its trainer, but will suspend all orca shows while it decides whether to change the way handlers work with the behemoths. Also, VIP visitors who occasionally were invited to pet the killer whales will no longer be allowed to do so. "We're going to make any changes we have to to make sure this doesn't happen again," Chuck Tompkins, chief of animal training at SeaWorld parks, said a day after a 12,000-pound killer whale named Tilikum dragged a trainer into its pool and thrashed the woman to death as audience members watched in horror (I assume the family vacation videos are a lot like the gruesome Discovery Channel epics that I love). Talk-radio callers, bloggers and animal activists said Tilikum (which was involved in the deaths of two other people over the past two decades) should be released into the ocean or put to death like a dangerous dog (don’t get me started on Michael Vick, okay?). Tompkins said that Tilikum would not survive in the wild because it has been captive for so long, and that destroying the animal is not an option either, because it is an important part of the breeding program at SeaWorld and a companion to the seven other whales there (Conjugal visits? Put him out to stud?). Dawn Brancheau, a 40-year-old veteran trainer who adored whales, was rubbing Tilikum from a poolside platform when the 22-foot creature grabbed the woman's ponytail in its jaws and pulled her in. Witnesses said the whale played with Brancheau like a toy. "He kept pushing her and poking her with his nose," said Paula Gillespie of Delaware, who saw the attack from an underwater observation point. "It looked like she was just totally caught off guard and looked like she was struggling." She added: "I just felt horrible because she's someone's daughter, mother. I couldn't stop crying." The killer whale shows (what kind of whale?) have been put on hold at SeaWorld's three parks in Orlando, San Antonio and San Diego. Tompkins said they will not resume until trainers understand what happened to Brancheau. He also said trainers will review safety procedures and change them as needed. He would not give details on what might be changed, but he said he does not expect visitors to the theme park to see much difference in the killer whale shows, in which trainers swim with the animals, ride on their backs and jump off of them. There is virtually no contact between visitors and the orcas at SeaWorld shows, said Fred Jacobs, a spokesman for the SeaWorld parks. But in the past, VIP guests occasionally were allowed to come down to the edge of the pool and touch the whales. That will no longer be permitted. Because of Tilikum's size and history of aggressive behavior, visitors were not allowed to get close to the whale, and trainers were not permitted to climb into the water with the animal. They were only allowed to work with him from a partially submerged deck. Tompkins defended SeaWorld's use a whale that had already been blamed in the deaths of two other people. "We didn't ignore those incidents. We work with him very, very carefully. We did not get in the water with this animal like we do with other killer whales because we recognized his potential." Brancheau's older sister, Diane Gross, said the trainer would not have wanted anything done to the whale. "She loved the whales like her children. She loved all of them. They all had personalities, good days and bad days." In a profile in the Orlando Sentinel in 2006, Brancheau acknowledged the dangers, saying: "You can't put yourself in the water unless you trust them and they trust you." It’s truly tragic…but at the same time, you can’t possibly be surprised. I’m surprised that it doesn’t happen more. They’re wild animals. Watch the Discovery Channel (or the posted videos coming to YouTube shortly, possibly narrated by 50 Cent). It’s the same thing that happens when you play with tigers (RIP Roy) or dogs once in a while. As I’ve mentioned probably hundreds of times on this blog, I went to the Panda Breeding Center in Chengdu a few years back. Oh yeah, pandas are cute cuddly creatures. No. They are bears. With long sharp claws. And teeth that do nothing but crush bamboo 12 hours a day…and then they sleep. They had these beautiful young Asian girls that would bathe the toddler pandas at the center…and almost all of them had very visible and very defined scars about their face, legs and any other skin that you could see. Why? Because they’re bears with claws & teeth. Even when they’re just playing, they’re bears with claws & teeth. And in keeping with the theme of this entry, you can't go against the Laws of Nature & expect a perfect record. Not until they're extinct, that is. Again, it’s tragic…but not surprising. She did what she loves though. My condolences to her family.

Fortune Cookie of the Day - "Your future is bright...in bed" - Quite possibly the laziest fortune to date. Your future is bright? Cool. So the sun WILL come out tomorrow? That's great news. That is all.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Two weeks from now I'll be cleaning up my apartment to host my mother for the weekend. In the meantime, we'll see happens. Perhaps my weekend will be filled with matinee-based entertainment...or perhaps something snow-involving...or perhaps nothing of notable merit. We shall see...but I usually find a little something to do. Have a great day everybody!!!

Ninja Sushi & Cabaret

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s snowing…and pretty good too. This morning it was that wet heavy Sierra Cement stuff that’s so abundant around these parts (go figure, being in the Sierra Mountains). I had a thought this morning (gasp!!!) when I was driving to work with my roommate. I’ve heard multiple times (as I’m sure you all have) that Eskimos have like over thirty words for “snow” in their language. However, I never heard anybody elaborate on that before. I mean…is it just like thirty different ways of saying snow, like one for each individual Aleut or Inuit tribe? Or is each word like for a particular kind of snow, whether powdery, thick & wet, sleet, how its blown in the wind, if it’s icy, the color, texture, size of the flake, whatever? So…being the inquisitive punk that I am…I googled that sh*t. In doing so, I checked Wikipedia, a few studies & theses (including one from nearby CSU-Chico, GO WILDCATS!!!), that referred to some works were “just as English uses derived terms for a variety of forms of water (liquid, lake, river, brook, rain, dew, wave, foam) that might be formed by derivational morphology from a single root meaning 'water' in some other language, so Eskimo uses the apparently distinct roots aput 'snow on the ground', gana 'falling snow', piqsirpoq 'drifting snow', and qimuqsuq 'a snow drift.” So yeah, if you’re interested too, check out this link for a breakdown of all the words…but it’s basically just like saying different forms & varieties of snow. Is there anything you can’t Google?

Also, this weekend is a San Francisco Independent Film Festival event at the Sugar Bowl here in Tahoe. Looking at some of the films, I’m awfully intrigued (you know, being a movie geek and all). For example, there’s one called “The Last Son” which seems to be a documentary about the two original creators of Superman and how the character was rejected for many years…and then when he became popular, they lost rights to him. How did this happen? I’ll find out on Saturday. There’s another one on Friday called “My Movie Girl” which…well, here’s the premise and you tell me why you think I’d like it. “Everything Adam knows about Love, he learned from the movies. Unfortunately, Adam is no Cary Grant, and the closest he’s come to experiencing true romance is one drunken night with his unrequited crush, Kate. That evening failed to live up to Adam’s expectations, so he casts himself and Kate in a movie recreation of their big night, hoping for a better ending (happy ending?). Set in San Francisco, this playful comedy is sure to leave any cinephile wondering “Why can’t life be like the movies?” So yeah, any guesses? Also, it’ll be fun…and who knows? Maybe I’ll stumble upon a female cinephile with nothing better to do…and we can discuss the movies afterwards over a few tasty beverages. Anything’s possible. So yeah, I may be doing that this weekend (weather permitting). Oh…and speaking of Superman…

Superman Update - A rare copy of the first comic book featuring Superman sold Monday for $1 million, smashing the previous record price for a comic book. A 1938 edition of Action Comics No. 1, widely considered the Holy Grail of comic books, was sold from a private seller to a private buyer, neither of whom released their names. The issue features Superman lifting a car on its cover and originally cost 10 cents (that’s inflation in value of one BILLION percent). The transaction was conducted by the auction site ComicConnect.com. Stephen Fishler, co-owner of the site and its sister dealership, Metropolis Collectibles, orchestrated the sale. Fishler said it transpired minutes after the issue was put on sale at around 10:30 a.m. Eastern time (1530 GMT). He said that the seller was a "well known individual" in New York with a pedigree collection, and that the buyer was a known customer who previously bought an Action Comics No. 1 of lesser grade. "It's considered by most people as the most important book," said John Dolmayan, a comic book enthusiast and dealer best known as the drummer for System of a Down. "It kind of ushered in the age of the superheroes." Dolmayan, who owns Torpedo Comics, last year paid $317,000 for an Action Comics No. 1 issue for a client. Others have sold for more than $400,000, he said, but this copy fetched a much higher price because it's in better condition. It's rated an "8.0 grade," or "very fine." Dolmayan said he didn't buy this copy but he wishes he could have. "The fact that this book is completely un-restored and still has an 8.0 grade, it's kind of like a diamond or a precious stone. It's very rare." There are only about 100 copies of Action Comics No. 1 believed to be in existence, and only a handful have been rated so highly. It's rarer still for those copies to be made available for sale. "The opportunity to buy an un-restored, high-grade Action One comes along once every two decades," Fishler said. "It's certainly a milestone." The sticker shock was astounding to Fishler, nevertheless. "It is still a little stunning to see 'a comic book' and '$1 million' in the same sentence. There's only one time a collectible hits the $1 million threshold." One million dollars for a comic book. An eighty year old comic book. Just…think about that a minute. Let’s say you work 40 years at $25,000 per year, that’s a million dollars before taxes…and forget that you’re not spending a dime in that four decade period. For a comic book. Amazing. Good for Superman.

Doc Savage – Since we’re into comic books, scribe-turned-director Shane Black ("Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang") is set to direct the film adaptation of 1930's/40's pulp comic hero "Doc Savage" for Original Film and Sony Pictures according to Variety. As previously reported Black, who penned the likes of "Lethal Weapon" and "The Last Boyscout", will also co-write the screenplay with Anthony Bagarozzi and Chuck Mondry. The film version of the heroic adventurer with near-superhuman skills and intelligence will be set in the 1930's and will include the Fabulous Five, five recurring companions who each appeared in different books. Sounds pretty awesome, right? Anybody wants to place odds that they’re gonna kill some Nazis? Maybe some Nazi Ninjas? I wonder who will play Doc Savage. I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Ninja Sushi & Cabaret - Waitresses wield swords and flare flames at diners, who have to get past a moat before sitting at their table in the dimly lit dining hall. The same customers are also encouraged to take photos with the warrior-like waitresses, who dress in black or red to look like ninjas in keeping with the theme of a dark but lively restaurant that opened last month in Taiwan's capital. "The ninja is mysterious," said Ou Chia-wei, owner of the restaurant simply named Ninja, explaining why he chose that theme for the Japanese-style restaurant. "On that premise, we can do magic tricks and light up the food." Waitresses working the barely lit dining room floor burn specialty menus, which vanish without a trace of ash, and send flames snaking across tables as customers watch. A moat and screen of cascading water just past the front entrance make customers wait a few minutes until the drawbridge goes up, leading to a dark stairwell toward the dining hall. There are professional magic shows, as well as cabarets, for those who walk in at the right times (giggidy). Ninjas were mercenaries who resorted to unusual warfare strategies such as espionage, sabotage and assassination from as far back as 700 years ago in feudal Japan. They remain a common, enduring theme in Japanese folklore. Ou, who also owns a hospital-theme restaurant in Taipei, and his wife put the three-storey Ninja eatery together on their own without hiring a designer, said his landlady Ting Tsui-lan. The overall investment was T$15 million ($470,000). "The owner had already liked ninjas and figured that would be a pretty obvious, visual theme for the restaurant," said restaurant sales manager Hsiao Dai. Ninja competes with restaurants that specialize in airliner, dinosaur (WHAT?) and toilet decor in a city teeming with theme diners. Owned and staffed by Taiwanese, it serves Japanese food priced for office workers who frequent it at its location in a congested part of town. Japanese cuisine and culture are popular in Taiwan, where Ninja has seen steady full-house crowds of 150 since opening in late January. Customers are intrigued by the theme, with a 26-year-old woman saying she might rather work than eat there. "We make friends with the customers," said waitress Tu-tu Lin, laying her sword aside to explain to the woman the tricks of her trade (“Cash only, on the bedstand & no kissing on the mouth”). So apparently I need to make it over to Taipei soon to check out a sexy ninja restaurant, a dinosaur themed buffet and a restaurant where I don’t even have to leave my table to go to the bathroom. Oh & one of the tallest towers in the world and culture, blah blah blah might be nice too. But seriously, ninjas & dinosaurs!!! Awesome!!! I still like my idea of the petting zoo barbecue joint. That’d probably fly over in Taiwan. “Which lamb do you want your chops from, sweetie?” “That one’s pretty.” “She sure is. That’s Matilda. She’s my favorite too. Now with your mama’s permission, here’s the knife. I’m gonna hold her down. Do you wanna help me get her ready for the grill? Take little Matilda home in a doggy bag?” “YEAH!!!” Okay, so there’s probably no kid out there who’d want to slaughter their own dinner (I blame cuddling) but hey, it’s no better than a seafood restaurant with an aquarium. “I want that one.” “Sir, that’s a blowfish…for ambience only. They’re not on the menu.” “That mother f**ker’s been making faces at me for the last five minutes. I want his raw, slivered ass on a hand roll ASAP. Here you go, Pierre.” Slip him a twenty, “I’ll see if the diver is on duty.”

Be Careful of Frostbite – Okay, read this next story carefully. Police expect to file charges against a 57-year-old man who was wearing only underwear in frigid temperatures when he hopped on the hood of his girlfriend's moving car during an argument. Police have yet to identify the man or his 28-year-old girlfriend, saying they'll release the names once they sort out what charges to file (hitchhiking?). Police were called about 3:20 a.m. Thursday by someone reporting a man riding on the hood of a car, screaming at the woman driving it. The woman had a bruise under her left eye and police said they found drug paraphernalia in the car (noooo…). Uniontown is about 40 miles south of Pittsburgh. The region has been hit by heavy snows and overnight temperatures were in the teens on Thursday. Okay, got it. Now let’s break it down. First & foremost, 57-year-old man…and 28-year-old girlfriend. Of course there’s drugs involved. Either that or he’s a retired rock star who gets royalties every time somebody says “Headbanging” or something. Sigh… I can’t even get a 28-year-old girlfriend…but maybe the answer to my prayers is meth. Secondly, the reason he’s in his underwear, chasing his “girlfriend” outdoors at 3 AM…is because she stole his drug paraphernalia, after she popped her. Then what he did…wasn’t hop on the car. He stood in the way…and with her eye starting to already swell, she put the pedal to the metal. Then probably got stuck in a snow bank or an ice patch or something. What charges can come of this? I’m still a big fan of hitchhiking…but obviously possession, perhaps assault, blah blah blah…but really, the most important thing to come out of this…is don’t do drugs, kids. Otherwise, this could be you. Then again… relationships in general can just be full of drama. For example…

Unauthorized Demolition Derby - Authorities said an upstate New York man angry with his wife used a backhoe to demolish more than two dozen demolition derby cars. The Wayne County Sheriff's Office said 29-year-old Michael Fagner (I’ll bet he’s never been teased with a last name like that) caused about $40,000 damage to 30 cars parked at a business in Savannah, 30 miles west of Syracuse. Police said he used the backhoe's bucket to crush most of the derby-ready cars and flip over one vehicle Friday afternoon. Deputies said the backhoe belonged to the business. Authorities say Fagner believed someone at the business was having an affair with his wife. Fagner was charged felony criminal mischief and later released on $5,000 bail. Fagner's phone number wasn't listed (ugh…okay?). Prosecutors didn't know if he had a lawyer…but I would highly suggest one. Loving someone unfaithful can be a f**ked-up thing. Even if you’re not 100% certain. Obviously I don’t condone this kind of behavior, you know…destroying thirty cars that may or may not have anything to do with these raging feelings of jealousy, betrayal, anger, the full spectrum of bad emotions…but I can understand. We’ve all had our hearts broken, I’m sure. Some not to this extent but…you get the idea. Why do we feel this way? How can a man shatter both legs in a skiing accident and suck it up…but if the Love of his life f**ks his best friend, the searing pain in his chest brought on by his own reaction causes him to go into a violent rampage on an epic scale? Why do women lovingly pass an entire child through their Holiest of Holies during childbirth with a smile on their face…but will completely flip the f**k out if she so much as thinks that her husband was talking to another woman? Scientists say…because we’re all crazy. Okay, not quite…

A Study in Jealousy - Cheating on a spouse or significant other is sure to cause feelings of jealousy and hurt in the spurned partner…but men and women differ on what part of cheating they think is the worst: Men tend to be more bothered by sexual infidelity, while most women are bothered more by emotional infidelity. The prevailing explanation for this difference is the unique evolutionary roles played by men and women, but a new study suggests that it has more to do with the types of attachments people form in relationships. The widespread evolutionary explanation posits that men rank sexual infidelity as the greater sin because over the eons they learned to be hyper-vigilant about sex, as they could never be absolutely certain that their children were actually theirs. Women, on the other hand, became more bothered by emotional infidelity, because they are concerned about having a partner to help raise their children. A recent study found that men feel guiltier after a sexual discretion, while women feel guiltier after an emotional one. The problem with the prevailing idea was that while men were more likely than women to rate sexual infidelity as worse than the emotional kind in studies, there was still a small subset of men who put emotional infidelity at the top of the list, said Kenneth Levy, a psychologist at Penn State. This subset seemed to indicate that "there must be something else going on," Levy told LiveScience. Levy, who studies attachment in relationships, saw the results instead through the lens of his research and began to suspect that individual differences in how people view relationships could be affecting men's and women's views on infidelity. Levy spoke of two types of attachment in relationships: dismissive and secure. A person with a dismissive attachment "doesn't see the value in relationships," he explained, describing them as "hyper-independent." Or, in other words, "most of us value our independence, but we also value our relationships. These individuals only value their independence, to the exclusion of relationships." On the flip side, those with secure attachments see the value in relationships and are comfortable with the interdependency that comes with them, Levy said. Levy thought those with a secure attachment style might be more likely to be bothered by emotional infidelity, while those with dismissive styles would see sexual infidelity as more of problem. To test this idea, Levy and his colleague Kristen Kelly had over 400 undergraduate students (about three-quarters were female) complete a standard assessment of attachment style in romantic relationships and also asked them which they would find more distressing - emotional or sexual infidelity. The findings of their study, detailed in a recent issue of the journal Psychological Science, backed up Levy's hunch: Males with a dismissive style found sexual infidelity more bothersome, while men with a secure style rated emotional infidelity as worse. Somewhat unexpectedly, the same was found in females. "So it seems to be that this concern about sexual infidelity seems to be tied to dismissiveness attachment whether you're a male or a female," Levy said. While it would seem like those with dismissive attachment styles wouldn't care about either type of infidelity, Levy notes that this kind of attachment is defensive; dismissive types distance themselves from relationships too avoid deep-seeded feelings of vulnerability. Their concern over sexual infidelity shows a concern about their connections to others, but on an unemotional level. Levy suggests that this attachment model of jealousy could replace the standard evolutionary one, though it is itself rooted in evolution. Attachment is a mechanism that helps people become connected to other people - an important survival technique in human society. These attachments are learned from our earliest relationships, with our parents or other caregivers, and seem to carry on through life, as our most important relationships shift from our parents, to our friends, and finally to romantic relationships. So it would seem that the attachment styles adults display in relationships were learned from early on, and not programmed in. This understanding could point to ways of reducing feelings of sexual jealousy, "which research shows is tied to all sorts of maladaptive behaviors," by promoting secure attachment in children or exposing adults to the benefits of this kind of attachment, Levy said. Okay…so that last sentence kinda lost me because it’s basically saying we should raise kids to be more emotionally attached so that when somebody just f**ks somebody, it’s easier to handle. I’ve got a better idea. Don’t cheat. I know, it’s easy to say. What the hell do I know about this stuff? You may be right. Then again, maybe I know a lot more about this stuff from observation with mild dabbling in field work. Silly me, I just go with cheating is wrong. Whether it’s your state capitals test or on your spouse, just don’t cheat. Keep it in your pants. That’s it. I’m done with talking about that stuff. What do you say we end this on a positive, kid-friendly note?

Puppet Cleavage - Puppet cleavage has been ruled out for advertising posters in Colorado Springs bus shelters. Lamar Advertising rejected posters for a touring production of the Broadway show "Avenue Q" because they show the cleavage of a fuzzy pink puppet. Lamar account executive Jeff Moore says the company takes a conservative approach in Colorado Springs. The city is known for its political conservatism, and some conservative Christian groups have headquarters in the city. The poster has been replaced by one showing the face of another puppet. "Avenue Q" is a Tony-winning musical about twenty-something New Yorkers, both human and puppets, searching for life and love. I’m guessing with one another…which is another topic all together (“Oh my God, it’s like she’s made for fisting”). So yeah, I thought I’d just give you a little fuzzy pink puppet cleavage. No comment on conservatism or Christians. Just implied puppet eroticism.

So yeah, that’ll do it for today. Join me tomorrow when I talk about…stuff, probably funny or perverted. I may even throw in an interesting study…or a dinosaur…or review a movie…or share a funny thought or dream or something. The possibilities are pretty much infinite. Have a great day everybody!!!

Body Like A Coke Bottle

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Extremely excited for my mom’s visit in just over two weeks now. I’m also extremely excited about the road trip coming up in just under two months. If anybody wants to meet up on a leg of this trip, let me know. I’d hate to have all this fun by myself. The weather has been pretty good…though it always is here…even when it’s a blizzard (just a pain to get around town if needed). Even when it snows, the next few days are sunny (though chilly) and gorgeous. Yeah, I like it out here. I don’t have to worry about inversions and pollution making it difficult to breath, just scenery that takes my breath away (the altitude helps). So yeah, really nothing new…or new stories or dreams or whatever so…here’s the news…

$10,000 to Watch a Movie? It Must Be Horrible - A Bollywood filmmaker has issued a lucrative challenge to horror movie fans: a $10,000 reward for anyone who can watch his latest supernatural thriller, alone, in a cinema until the closing credits. Ram Gopal Varma's "Phoonk 2," a sequel to his 2008 film of the same name, is about an evil spirit that traumatizes a family. "Anyone who says the movie cannot scare him is going to be put in a theater by himself," Varma told reporters in Mumbai at an event to promote the movie. Varma said the film fan who steps up to the challenge will be wired up to a heart monitoring machine as well as a camera that ensures they keep their eyes open during the whole movie. Readings from the machines will be shown live on a screen outside the cinema, Varma said, and if the contestant succeeds, they will win 500,000 rupees (approximately $10,850). Varma issued a similar challenge ahead of the release of the original "Phoonk" but the promotional contest was withdrawn after allegations the selection process was rigged. Varma said the contest winner ran out 30 minutes after the film started, but newspaper reports said a film fan in the southern Indian city of Bangalore booked an entire cinema to prove the director wrong and watched the film alone with a doctor on call and security personnel stationed outside. So there you go, shameless promotions at work. Of course the selection process is rigged. It’s a rip-off of that “Paranormal Activity” marketing ploy that worked to perfection this last fall…and you fell for it. Well, not YOU probably…but enough of you out there in the blogosphere fell for it. The movie made bank…and it sucked. I don’t have to watch it to know that it sucked. How do I know that it sucked? Has any movie filmed completely in night vision ever been any good? “A Night In Paris”? Exactly…and that was the best thus far…and it’s like a National Geographic documentary of the Great White Whore. It almost merits narration by Morgan Freeman. “Here, the female seems completely uninterested and unaware in the male’s attempts at intercourse. She makes several calls to other females using a complex form of communication known as cellular messaging. The male is done. No time for romance…when you’re in the wild. Successful appropriation is the only true goal.” What was my point? Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure that I’m desensitized to the point that I could be locked in a theatre watching something like the smut that was implied on “8MM” for about two hours…with the runs (I’d just go on the floor) surrounded by farm animals with the runs for $10,000. Anyway, just thought that was an interesting ploy. Isn’t “Phoonk” like the sound a bowling ball makes when it gets sucked through a garden hose?

The Taken Experience – Do you really like to get into your movies? Did you watch “Taken” and think “Man, that would be awesome to be the kidnapped girl & have Liam Neeson come save me”? Really? That’s a little weird (and consider the source of that statement). Thrill-seekers in France tired of the usual array of white-knuckle sports are turning to a bizarre new service to get their adrenaline rush -- designer abduction. For 900 euros (about $1,226), clients of Ultime Realite ("Ultimate Reality"), a firm in eastern France, can buy a basic kidnap package where they're bundled away, bound and gagged, and kept incarcerated for four hours. Alternatively, they can opt for a more elaborate tailor-made psychodrama, involving an escape or helicopter chase for example, where costs can quickly escalate (“Give us one million euros in small unmarked bills…or else”). "Basically, anything is possible. I identify what the customer wants and then try to put it into action," said Georges Cexus, 28, who set up the company in the middle of January. Once the scenario has been established, clients sign a contract and liability waiver, but have no idea when the kidnappers will strike in order to maximize the surprise (while they’re on the can). But Cexus said the maximum incarceration time is 11 hours, beyond which clients might find the novelty tends to wear off (“My wrists hurt. I’ve gotta pee.” “SHUT UP!!!” SLAP!!!). After just a few weeks in business, Ultime Realite says it is already getting up to two requests a day, the majority from top-level executives seeking an extreme alternative to bungee jumping or skydiving (or flying to Bratislava to kill somebody). Others are hoping to confront deep-rooted phobias, such as one potential client who says he wants to be buried alive. For those searching for the ultimate nightmare, the company is also hoping to branch out beyond kidnappings and is looking into options such as spending a night in a morgue, or attending your own funeral. "Let's say it will really be about bringing to life the client's worst fear, the thing that's lurking in the back of his mind and he's never dared talk about," said Cexus. While paying "victims" might find the experience cathartic, however, there's little guarantee of how innocent bystanders might react to witnessing a kidnapping in broad daylight. A spokesperson for the French police said they had no legal objections to the service, but the company would need to warn local authorities beforehand so they were prepared for any emergency calls (or run the risk of getting sniped by a hero). "With regard to the police and penal code, there's no reason for us to ban this service, as the victim is consenting which means there's no crime," the spokesperson said. It’s an intriguing idea. I like it. You know how I feel about facing your fears and wanting to rob a bank and all that stuff. Sure, there are some possible road blocks (your liability waiver wouldn’t mean sh*t if something were to go wrong) but hey, this may just be ahead of its time. Like I’ve said, maybe a company like this will allow me the chance to rob a bank without getting shot and/or sent to prison for twenty years. Then again…it’s only a matter of time before things get murky and things go horribly wrong. If there’s one thing that “Dollhouse” has taught me…even with the best intentions, things’ll get f**ked up real quick. Anyway, best of luck to you Ultime Realite. I hope it works out for you.

Now This Art, I Understand - In the name of art, an Austrian landmark is encouraging visitors to confront their sexual inhibitions by having them walk through a swingers club to reach one of Gustav Klimt's masterpieces. The Secession — a world-renowned venue for contemporary art in downtown Vienna — has temporarily incorporated a sex club named "Element6" as part of a project by Swiss artist Christoph Buechel. The swingers are not there during the day, but their mattresses, erotic pictures, bar and whirlpool are (for your own safety, please do not touch). Secession spokeswoman Urte Schmitt-Ulms said Buechel hoped to spark a stir reminiscent of the scandal Klimt caused when his "Beethoven Frieze" was first exhibited in 1902. Now considered one of the Austrian painter's key pieces, it was once thought of as obscene and pornographic because of the way women's bodies were depicted. One section of the mural shows three mostly naked women, one with very large breasts who looks pregnant and the other two covered only by their long flowing tresses (Gasp!!!). Another includes naked mythical figures and a zombie-like, seminude female with stringy black hair (Zombie gasp!!!). While the club only opens at night long after the art hall closes, daytime visitors aged 18 and older pass through its dimly lit rooms on their way to see the Klimt wall painting located in the basement of the building (of course, so it’s safe from the elements & there’s no way out). The room where the frieze is exhibited is locked at night for security reasons. But it too has its share of mattresses, surrounded by fake tropical plants and a life-size stuffed lion. Just outside the room is a non-working sauna, complete with a towel rack and bathrobes. Buechel declined to comment on his project, but the club, normally located in another part of town, said its participation "aims to give as many people as possible the opportunity to overcome their inhibitions." Hmm, face their fears? Ultime Realite? "In the framework of this exhibition at the Secession, each individual can test for himself or herself whether this opens up new dimensions for his or her own sexuality," the club said in a statement. There's no question that Buechel has succeeded in igniting a debate. "Group sex in the Secession — has our society completely lost it?" Austria's far-right Freedom Party asked. Yet on the streets of Vienna, people appeared more amused than appalled. "I think it's perfectly OK," said Moritz Wagner, a 26-year-old medical student (with a penis). "It's not my thing but why not?" echoed a laughing Ute Wegscheider as she pushed her young daughter's stroller. "Maybe I should go check it out with my husband!" (Dang, she’s married) Gerald Adler of Britain's Kent School of Architecture, who was taking students to see the Secession, said Buechel should have chosen a different site — such as St. Stephen's Cathedral — if he wanted to make a real splash. "He's putting it in a place that's an accepted venue for avant-garde art, so it loses its effect," Adler said. The project runs until April 18. So yeah, if you’re needing to take your girlfriend or partner or whatever to an art gallery to score some points…keep in mind the one with a gang bang. “Oh my gosh, I had no idea. This is repulsive.” “If you didn’t know then why did you bring our goodie bag?” “I was just hoping to do some kinky stuff in a regular art museum. This just makes things easier.” Hmm, on that note, I wonder if Ultime Realite can make it so that I can have sex with a French maid on a nude marble Greek woman while Mona Lisa watches judgmentally. See? It’s already turning for the worst for that company.

Casanova Memoirs – There’s a lot of French artsy stuff in this post. France's national library has bought the memoirs of celebrated Venetian lover Giacomo Casanova, which were initially thought to have perished at the end of World War Two. The 3,700 fading yellow pages (ah, so it’s like his “little black book”) of Casanova's "Histoire de ma Vie" (Story of my Life) were discovered packed in a dozen boxes (that’s a long story) which had been transferred to a safe just days before the allied bombing of Germany in 1945. "During the Second World War Leipzig was bombed, but the boxes were discovered in the basement of the bank where they were being kept. They were in good shape," Marie-Laure Prevost, curator of Bibliotheque Nationale de France, told Reuters TV. "Everyone at that time was touched when this manuscript was found. Even Churchill asked whether it survived the bombing." (Probably to help Winston’s luck with the ladies) France's national library paid around seven million euros for the memoirs, which Casanova started writing while working as a librarian in 1789 (Really? Geez, all librarians are freaks in the sheets). "The Casanova manuscripts are the most important purchase ever made by the library ... And of course it is a great event from a cultural and heritage point of view," said Bruno Racine, head of the library (with a mild erection). Casanova describes his amorous adventures in the script, which he modified continually until his death in 1798 (probably to make himself bigger). "It is one of the most published texts in the world with hundreds and hundreds of publications and ... they have always been corrected, simplified, falsified. So what is important for us is to find the authentic truth," added Racine. The purchase was funded by a private donor and the library hopes to exhibit the manuscript in autumn 2011. So now soon you too can read the great Italian pickup lines of the 18th century like “I don’t have the herpes” and “I have my Ferrari Gondola parked outside” and “Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I won’t tell the magistrate if you have sex with me.” It obviously sounds a lot better in Italian. There’s something lost in the translation.

Coke Bottle Figure Like Coke? - Watching a curvaceous woman can feel like a reward in the brain of men, much as drinking alcohol or taking drugs might, research now reveals. Scientists added these new findings might help explain the preoccupation men can have toward pornography (yeah, that’s why). Shapely hips in women are linked with fertility and overall health. As such, it makes sense evolutionarily speaking that studies across cultures have shown men typically find hourglass figures sexy. To explore the roots of this behavior, researchers had 14 men, average age 25, rate how attractive they found pictures of the naked derrieres of seven women before and after cosmetic surgery that gave them more shapely hips (sweet Jesus, how do I get into one of these focus groups?). These operations did not reduce weight but just redistributed it, by implanting fat harvested from the waists into the buttocks. Brain scans of the men revealed that seeing post-surgery women activated parts of the brain linked with rewards, including regions associated with responses to drugs and alcohol. It might not be especially surprising that evolution wired the male brain to find attractive bodies rewarding. "Hugh Hefner could have told us that by showing us how many zeroes are in his bank account," said researcher Steven Platek, an evolutionary cognitive neuroscientist at Georgia Gwinnett College in Lawrenceville, Georgia. "But there's more to it than buying Playboy, Maxim, or FHM." For instance, "these findings could help further our understanding pornography addiction and related disorders, such as erectile dysfunction in the absence of pornography. These findings could also lend to the scientific inquiry about sexual infidelity." The scientists also found that changes in a woman's body-mass index or BMI - a common measure of body fat - only really affected brain areas linked to simple visual evaluations of size and shape. This may be evidence that body fat influences judgments of female beauty due more to societal norms than brain wiring. "The media portrays women as wholly too skinny. It's not just about body fat, or body mass index." What do women think? (Who the hell cares? Sorry, just seeing if you’re reading) Future research could also investigate the effects that attractive figures have on the female brain. "It turns out women find similar optimally attractive female bodies as attention-grabbing, albeit for different reasons. Women size up other women in an effort to determine their own relative attractiveness and to maintain mate guarding - or, in other words, keep their mate away from optimally designed females." These findings should not be construed as saying that men are solely programmed by their biology, nor that "women without optimal design should just hang up their mating towel," Platek added. No doubt. What they should do…is call me. Why? I’ve got the Casanova pickup lines down, I make any movie better, I appreciate a good healthy backside (possibly an addict), I’m always down for a good exciting adventure, I have the cutest nieces & nephew in the world, and I even enjoy going to art galleries. What more could you want? You owe it to yourself to give me a chance.

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Hope you all enjoyed today’s rambling…or at least some of the pretty pictures. Again, let me know if any of you want to tag along on my road trip coming up soon. I could use the company…and let’s face it, you’d enjoy it too. Stops are places like San Francisco, Monterey, Pasadena, Newport Beach, Las Vegas, southern Utah, Salt Lake City, then back on home to Lake Tahoe…and a few other possibilities in between. You know me. My mind tends to wander. Have a great day everybody!!!