$teve: The Next Brad Pitt

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The snow is still coming down. Basically had to dig Gretchen out of the garage…and my roommate’s truck is basically tucked away in the snow…and we may be able to unearth it with some steady digging…but we’re not going to even try until the parking lot is plowed. There’s about two feet of Sierra Cement all around…so there’s nowhere to put the snow out of the way until then. Sigh… Snow is beautiful…until you’re driving tires deep on top of ice in it. Gretchen’s a champ though. Other than that, not a whole lot going on. My dad & brother went shooting yesterday…and got to witness the fire tornado firsthand on the drive back to civilization. They allegedly have pictures but have yet to forward them to me. I’ll keep you posted. My mom & stepdad are excited for their Asian cruise. Plans are falling in place for my road trip. Zombie Jesus Day is nigh. I’d think about making a traditional Love Family Easter Brunch of corned beef hash, deviled eggs, and assorted chocolates & high fructose corn syrup…or as I like to call it, Carbs & Cholesterol…but I’m pretty sure that my roommate wouldn’t eat any of it…and I probably really shouldn’t, definitely not for a week or so as I would be forced to. I mean…you can’t let that stuff go to waste, right?

Last night, amid the falling snow, I watched the film “Extract” starring Jason Bateman, Mila Kunis, Ben Affleck, Kristin Wiig, J.K. Simmons, Gene Simmons, and overall a pretty good ensemble cast. It’s the latest movie from writer / director Mike Judge who has made such timeless classics as “Office Space”, “Idiocracy” & “Beavis & Butthead Do America” over the years, so it was more of his funny view of everyday life. It’s the story of a man (Bateman) who owns & operates a food extract factory while he deals with a possible sale of the company, lawsuit, & a major case of blue balls thanks to the sexless marriage with his wife (Wiig). Well, his bartender buddy (Affleck) convinces him, while under the influence of horse tranquilizers, to hire a gigolo to seduce his wife, so that he can have a guilt-free rendezvous with a superhot employee (Kunis) who has been showing all the signs. Okay, so that’s a pretty horrible description of the plot…but hey, if you like other Mike Judge movies, this one’s pretty good too. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a timeless classic like the others…but it’s still worth a shot. So now I will continue with the news…

Superman Update – Okay, this is just getting ridiculous now. A few weeks ago, I told you about the bidding war between the most expensive comic purchase in history between Superman & Batman, and Superman just took the lead again in a big way. A copy of the 1938 edition of Action Comics No. 1 sold Monday for $1.5 million on the auction Web site ComicConnect.com. The issue, which features Superman's debut and originally sold for 10 cents, is widely considered the Holy Grail of comic books. The same issue sold in February for $1 million, though that copy wasn't in as good condition as the issue that sold Monday. That number was bested just days later when a 1939 comic book featuring Batman's debut sold for $75,000 more at an auction in Dallas. There are about 100 copies of Action Comics No. 1 believed to be in existence, and only a handful in good condition. The issue that sold Monday was rated slightly higher than the one that sold in February; it had been tucked inside an old movie magazine for years before being discovered. The issue was bought from a private collector and then sold by Stephen Fishler and Vincent Zurzolo, the co-owners of ComicConnect.com. It was bought minutes after being posted Monday at the asking price of $1.5 million by "a hardcore comic book fan," Fishler said. "There's been a lot of attempts to acquire this book over the last 15 years. The recent activity, I guess, did the trick." Fishler speculated that the sudden burst of record-priced sales are due to "pent-up demand." Issues of such prized comic books rarely become available for purchase. Rarer still are issues in such good condition. "I can't imagine another book coming on the market that exists that would top this. This may be the final say — at least for the next 10 or 20 years — for a record price of a comic book." Or at least until next week when I’ll probably be reporting about another sale. Maybe this one will be for a random comic like…Duckman No. 5 or something. Anyway, Superman’s back on top. Your move, Dark Knight.

GENIUS!!! – Who wouldn’t want a million dollars just for being you? Maybe you could use it to buy Duckman No. 5 or something? Well, a 43-year-old unemployed bachelor who lives with his elderly mother in Russia — and who won $1 million for solving a problem that has stumped mathematicians for a century is considering just that. Grigory Perelman can't decide if he wants the money. "He said he would need to think about it," said James Carlson, who telephoned Perelman with the news he had won the Millennium Prize awarded by the Clay Mathematics Institute of Cambridge, Mass. Carlson said he wasn't too surprised by the apparent lack of interest from Perelman, a reclusive genius who has a history of refusing big prizes. In 2006, Perelman made headlines when he stayed away from the ceremony in Madrid where he was supposed to get a Fields Medal, often called the Nobel Prize of Mathematics. He remained at home in St. Petersburg instead. As for the new prize, Perelman (PER-il-mahn) told a local television station he hasn't made a decision on whether to accept the money, and that Carlson's institute will be the first to know when he does. Sergei Rukshin, Perelman's high school math teacher, told The Associated Press on Monday that "I know that this time he is seriously thinking about whether he will accept the prize. He still has some time.” The awards ceremony is in June. Rukshin said Perelman has been without work for four years and has declined all job offers. He previously worked at the Steklov Mathematics Institute. "As far as I know, after there was so much media attention ... he did not want to be a public person and to look like an animal in the zoo," Rukshin said. He said he had encouraged Perelman to accept the prize to provide for himself and his elderly mother. Technically, the award is a done deal. "He has been awarded the prize. That's the decision of the committee," Carlson said. "He may or may not accept the money." Carlson declined to discuss what would happen to the $1 million if Perelman rejects it. Several groups in Russia, including the St. Petersburg Communist Party, have made public appeals to Perelman to give them the cash to fight poverty if he doesn't want it for himself. Perelman was honored for proving the Poincare (pwan-kah-RAY) conjecture, which deals with shapes that exist in four or more dimensions, rather than the familiar three dimensions. The conjecture proposes a test for determining whether a shape in such space, no matter how distorted, is a three-dimensional sphere. Yeah. That’s why the answers worth a million bucks. That was one of seven problems the Clay institute identified in 2000 as being worthy of a $1 million Millennium Prize. It's the first problem on the list to be solved. The Clay institute was founded in 1998 by Landon T. Clay, a Boston businessman, and his wife, Lavinia D. Clay. Tamara Yefimova, a deputy director of Perelman's high school who has known the mathematician since he was a student there, said that once he started working on the Poincare conjecture he became totally absorbed in it. She said Perelman stopped visiting his old school to help students and stopped attending meetings of the city's math society. As a high school student, Perelman obviously was the most gifted student, Yefimova said. The only reason he didn't get a gold medal upon graduation, she said, was that the unathletic scholar didn't get the top grade in physical education. Perelman went on to earn college and postgraduate degrees in mathematics and mechanical engineering from Leningrad State University and Steklov Mathematics Institute. "It could have been only him who would solve the Poincare conjecture," Yefimova said. Indeed, Carlson said, Perelman's solution was "a truly amazing piece of mathematics." We may think this is crazy, to turn down a million dollars…but then again, who are we to question GENIUS? Think about it. He could be the happiest man on the planet. He lives with the Love of his life – his mother. She probably cooks hot meals every day. He doesn’t have a job to worry about. He can rock a beard and there’s nobody to judge him. He doesn’t have that girlfriend bullsh*t to deal with. His only concerns are solving the mysteries of the universe…at his leisure. I was kind of surprised that he even had a phone to contact him…but then I remembered that he’s a bachelor…in Russia. What if he has a fixin’ for a mail-order bride? Or a pizza? Or it’s hella cold outside and he wants some Chinese instead of mom’s cooking? Still, the million dollars might be kind of cool as far as helping out your mama. If she were down, I’d take her on a trip to all the places she’s ever dreamed of visiting and treating her like a f**king princess…but maybe his mom isn’t into all that. Maybe she’s perfectly happy spending time with her baby boy genius. You know what, congratulations on your award…and your sweet ass life, comrade. Do with it what you wish.

No Surprise Here – Ricky Martin is gay. In other news, Hugh Hefner likes blondes.

Booby Bandito - An Orange County woman's new breasts cost her six months in jail (at least her cellmate will have a good night’s sleep on those pillows). Yvonne Jean Pampellonne was sentenced Monday in Westminster for using a fraudulent line of credit to obtain $12,000 in cosmetic surgery, including breast implants and liposuction. The 30-year-old woman had pleaded guilty to burglary, grand theft and identity theft. She was sentenced to 180 days in jail and was placed on three years' probation. Restitution was also ordered by the Westminster judge, but the amount wasn't immediately clear. Pampellonne used a line of credit established in another person's name to get the September 2008 procedures at the Pacific Center for Plastic Surgery in Huntington Beach. So ladies, if you can’t afford that new rack that you’ve been looking for (God knows I have) and you don’t mind spending six months showing off your goods to cell block Double D, then maybe you just need to fraudulently finance that procedure. Want to know how? Gimme a call. Honestly though, real justice would’ve been to take the tatas back, pump her full of Twinkie filling (not in the sexual metaphor way) again & make her pay for that procedure. Like Repo Men or something. Anyway, kinda funny that your new cans could land you in the can.

Holy Skrit!!! - A Hindu holy man with thousands of followers across India resigned as head of a religious organization on Tuesday after police began investigating his role in a sex scandal, officials said. Hold on, it’s not what you expect when you here holy man & sex scandal in the same sentence here in the states. Video footage allegedly showing Nithyananda Swami, head of Dhyanapeetam, or "knowledge center," frolicking with two women angered hundreds of devotees who tried to ransack his center outside the southern city of Bangalore this month. The 32-year-old has denied any links to the women and said the tapes were doctored (Bollywood is booming…) but the police are investigating and have asked people to come forward with evidence. This month has been particularly bad for India's self-styled holy men with Indian police arresting one for running a brothel involving air stewardesses and college students (Get the f**k out! Where?), while charging another with kidnapping a minor (not having sex with DOZENS of minors). Nithyananda Swami, who has big politicians and movie stars as devotees, announced his resignation in a statement. "I have decided to live a life of spiritual seclusion, for some indefinite time...," he said on his website. Oh yeah, spiritual leaders can have a website. It is India. Whenever you have a problem with your website, who do you call? Nithyananda Swami has spiritual centers in Europe and United States and Dhyanapeetam runs free medical centers and supplies food to the poor. The real news about this is that he wasn’t molesting young boys. Lots of ‘em. It’s kinda silly that a religious leader in India would be shamed into a self-imposed exile based on a few pictures of him frolicking (emphasis on licking) with two women when that’s really not a big deal. I mean… it isn’t. Unless he’s married or something…or my definition of frolicking is a little PG compared to that of other reporters. Now, the brothel thing…that’s not good for a religious leader…but if he’s looking for somebody with a strong pimphand to take over management, I know a guy. That’s actually a great idea if you think about it. Stewardesses & college students? Cheese & rice, I wanna visit Bangalore now. Oh…and a religious cult kidnapping children? That’s normal in Utah. It’s just funny how religious scandal differs when you go to different parts of the world.

We Represent the Lollipop Guild – Ever wonder what amusement parks are like in the People’s Republic of China? Sitting in a valley in southwest China sits an unlikely and controversial theme park -- the Little People's Kingdom of Dwarfs. Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Here, dwarfs perform in fairytale costumes for tourists, drawing both curious crowds and a fair share of criticism. For many of the employees, the park is a rare opportunity to find work, and respect…as unlikely as it seems for men and women doing daily spoof performances of Swan Lake in tutus. The park, near Kunming city in Yunnan province, employs 108 dwarfs from across the country, who twice daily gather on an artificial hillside to dance and sing for tourists. As well as a host of dwarf guardian angels, the fantasy world has a king, an army, a health department and even its own foreign ministry, and all must pretend to live in a miniature hilltop village of crooked little houses. For 80 Yuan (about $11.72 which isn’t a small sum in China) tourists can watch skits, sentimental group dances and acrobatics some may view as more than a little reminiscent of medieval freak shows now deemed politically incorrect in many parts of the world (well, if you call anything a “freak show” it sounds mad). The show's centerpiece, a farcical rendition of Swan Lake, sees performers both male and female dressed in pink tutus and pretending to be little swans (ugh…flamingoes are pink, swans are white, right?). "When I did it for the very first time, I felt a bit embarrassed. I had never worn a skirt like that before," said 21-year-old Chen Ruan, who left his native Hunan province to join the park when it opened last July. "But later, once I got used to it, performing it felt very natural," he added. Chen Ming, a flamboyant Sichuanese businessman who single-handedly conceived and funded the park, made his fortune manufacturing electronics and investing in property, but said he had always wanted to do good for society. And Chen now has bigger plans for his little kingdom. Having already invested around 100 million Yuan in the site, which nestles among nine forested peaks, he is looking for a further 700 million to expand it. While the venture is yet to make a profit, Chen hopes the number of performers employed will grow to around 1,000 within a few years. One day, Chen beams, the navy will have its own reservoir, the infantry a railroad, the air force a cable car, and the foreign ministry employees will serve as tour guides. "I'm very happy with it," he told Reuters. "What I need now is for some people, especially Europeans and Americans, to understand us. Because some people don't get it, they think we are using the dwarfs…but what we are actually doing is giving them a platform to live, giving them worth and the ability to work freely, to exist freely," he added. I’m convinced…but not everyone is. Disabled rights groups and members of China's increasingly vocal online community have suggested the park may only serve to increase stigma. "We need to go and tell him how to respect disabled people's rights, how to help disabled people to develop in their own lives, and not to exploit people's curiosity for commercial success," said Xie Yan, director of Beijing's One Plus One Cultural Exchange Center, an NGO which advocates more equality for China's disabled. The situation for China's estimated 83 million people with a disability has improved in recent years, with enrollment figures for schools and universities increasing dramatically. Beijing's hosting of the Paralympics in 2008 also focused government and public attention on the rights of China's disabled. Yet traditional prejudices against anyone who's not considered "normal," and a lack of specialized infrastructure such as wheelchair ramps (or toilets that aren’t holes in the ground?), means many people with disabilities, or medical conditions such as dwarfism, still avoid venturing out. Li Caixia said it had been near impossible to find well-paid work after graduating from high school, and was tempted to the park by the prospect of up to 2,000 Yuan a month, double what she might get working anywhere else (including brothels). "As soon as employers see us, they know they definitely wouldn't want a small person like us. They have to pay the same salary, so they all want to find someone more normal. But here, staff aren't prejudiced like the people outside." The only qualification for employees, whose ages range from 18 to 48, is to be shorter than 130 cms (51 inches, 4-foot-3) and be fundamentally self sufficient. Living together in a dormitory designed to look like a cave, some residents say life in the park (or Shire) is a welcome opportunity to be around others with similar experiences. Facilities from sinks to light switches are installed for people with a short stature in mind, offering greater independence for people many of whom were once heavily reliant on parents or charitable institutions. Kunming primary school teacher Deng Li, whose students were among hundreds enjoying the show on a recent weekday morning, said it was a positive experience for both sides. "You can see the children have accepted them. I think this will be of great help to the children as they grow up and come into contact with people like them." So what do you think? Is it a theme park exploiting the public’s curiosity of midgetry? Or is it a favorable employer of those with a shorter stature than most? You be the judge. I like the idea…but obviously my point of view is…not normal.

Angelina Update – Speaking of childhood fairy tales, Angelina Jolie is apparently interested in taking on the villainous lead role in "Maleficent" for Disney Pictures says The Los Angeles Times. Last week came word that Linda Woolverton ("Beauty and the Beast") would pen the script which is described as a "post-modern family adventure" centering around the evil Queen who served as the main antagonist in Disney's 1959 animated classic "Sleeping Beauty". Jolie is "very interested" in taking on the project according to the paper's sources. Tim Burton has been linked as a potential director for a few months now (since it is a quirky remake of a children’s classic that goes without saying) but no deals are in place with anyone. However, that doesn’t mean that we can’t dream… Mmm… I may not have a shot at playing Prince Philip… or even King Stefan for a scene… but I’d gladly play one of her minions as long as she calls me her pet…

Fox Update – Megan Fox has apparently turned down the chance to be the next Lara Croft. The Transformers star “reluctantly” said no to the part in the next Tomb Raider movie because she hates being compared to the film franchise’s original star, Angelina Jolie. “The offer has been on the table for Megan for a while but she’s reluctantly turned it down,” says a movie insider. “She’s the logical choice to play Lara and she loves the character but the comparison with Angelina is too much. “It looks like the movie will now star an unknown.” Fox, 23, has previously insisted she’s compared to Jolie because people are desperate to put her “in a box” (the kind of box that’s frequently nominated for Academy Awards and can pick any movie role that the box wants, whether it’s 8-digits for playing a big budget heroine, pairing up with some of the greatest actors & directors of our time, some stupid artsy film to show the box’s range or the retelling of a children’s classic). “The media has to package you and sell you somehow and sell their magazines so everybody has to be ‘the new’ or ‘the next’ someone or something,” she said in October last year. “If I am not a party girl and they can’t sell me as that, and I’m not an Oscar winning actress and they can’t sell me as that, then they have to package me somehow and for some reason they latched on to the Angelina thing because I have a lot of tattoos (mmm… yes, you do… among other traits like vixen eyes, full delicious lips, beautiful curvaceous body & a questionable taste for older men). It was a way to market me and it was a way to sell their magazines or get hits on their blogs — because it makes people uncomfortable if they are unable to put you in a box.”

Look Megan, I know I’m not the one to hand out career advice, especially when it’s something I have as little experience in as the Hollywood hype machine (P.S. Rumors has it, I may be the new host of a late night show soon) but please, think this through logically. You’re right. You’re absolutely right. The media wants to make you the next Angelina or whatever…because they need to promote you as having not only the physical characteristics of this successful actress & activist…but also her talent & raw sexual appeal, despite the fact that you don’t have quite the past as her (I mean…some of the things I’ve heard about pre-Gia Angelina…) and every actress has to go through it. Meryl Streep was the next Hepburn. Sarah Jessica Parker was the next Seabiscuit. The point is… if you have to be put in this “box” as you so put it, I’d take the Jolie box any chance I could get (in more ways than one). Do you think she feels like she’s in a box? Maybe. Do I feel like I’m in a box? All the time. Here’s the thing, they’re not going to hand you super stardom or anything based on your (Jennifer’s) body of work. Also, is this box that they’re trying to put you in the same one that puts your into comic book roles? Sadly, that’s probably a bigger problem with type-casting than any box in playing a former Angelina role that catapulted her from sexy moody chick to international superstar. Do I think that you should be in the Tomb Raider remake? Not particularly (though I do fancy the imagery) but don’t refuse it just because Angelina did it. Yeah, she did…and she did it well. You know what else she did? Won an Academy Award for playing a chick in a mental institution opposite Winona Ryder (who would LOVE to be in Angelina’s “box”). She was also nominated for her role in “Changeling” working with director Clint Eastwood. She’s working with actors like Nicolas Cage, Johnny Depp, Anthony Hopkins, Denzel Washington, Gerard Butler, Antonio Benderas, Jude Law and her husband Brad Pitt. She’s helping the children of Mother Afrika and about to complete her collection of a child from each continent. She’s done a lot of great & admirable things. If you don’t wanna play Lara Croft, good. Don’t. If the script’s horrible, that’s understandable. Even Indiana Jones got REALLY bad by the 4th movie, so why should the sexy female version be any different? If it’s because you don’t want to do any more action movies for a while, good for you. Spread out that portfolio and branch into something like a… Victorian period piece if you can… or a biopic like I’ve often suggested to Hollywood. Ah, the young Mother Teresa. Here’s the thing though, I’ve got great faith in your abilities…but don’t let what the media says about you get you down or make decisions for you. The Media is a bunch of idiots out to say stupid stuff to get people’s attention (sorry…but technically a lot of you are). I’m guilty of it too…but I get the attention of about a dozen people around the world…and it’s not like anybody’s putting this into print or anything. For God’s sake, don’t make career decision based on some stupid sh*t that some idiot like me would say…or even infer that I have some kind of influence on your decisions…knowing full well that I know NOTHING about being a star or an actor on any level. Do what’s best for you. “I turned down the role because…I’m really interested in these other projects & it’ll be a great platform for some other actress that’d be more involved in the role” or “because I want to help bring clean drinking water to the people of Zimbabwe” or “because the script is written by Diablo Cody…and fool me once, shame on you to that f**king hack” whatever the situation may be. Anyway, best of luck to you, Miss Fox…and you know I only dragged this discussion out longer to help you out & give me more reason to post your pictures for my handful of readers (who are probably 80% female surprisingly). I can’t wait to meet you when I visit LA in a few weeks...and I have no doubt that, if needed, you could protect me...

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Sorry to ramble on for a bit there…but not much else to do when it’s snowing outside and you can’t really make a snowman with Sierra Cement that’s worth a damn. May you all have somebody to keep you warm on these cold winter nights (though isn’t it technically Spring now?) and if not, call on Dr Love & he’ll gladly warm you up by the fireplace…and maybe hum a sexy little tune into your ears. You never know. Have a great night everybody!!!

Ek Hou Van Jou

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The snow is back. Last night, I had a few firsts here in Truckee. First, the police were at my apartment complex…and that sadly made me a little homesick of Rose Park…but for like a second because then I had to wonder if they’d found out about mail-order bride. Secondly, I got to experience my first thunderstorm (though rather brief) here. It was awesome. The wind was whipping through in gusts, giant globs of rain were flying sideways like shot out of a fire hose, the rumbling didn’t last a long time…but it was intense when it did. Awesome. Then I remembered that I had told my roommate that I would pick him up at the airport at 11 PM…because too, am awesome. The drive there wasn’t too bad. Sure the rain was torrential…but it was still rain and that’s what’s important. Any moment it could’ve turned into black ice…then it’s too bad. Worse than the rain though was the wind. Driving through that canyon, there were probably 100 MPH gusts easy through there…and you may not be aware of this…but Jeeps aren’t the most aerodynamic creatures in the animal kingdom. Gretchen was a champion as always though…and I did make sure that my insurance payments were up to date. My roommate was grateful for the ride (as well he should be) and we made it home safely. Then it turned to snow by morning…and it’s been going steadily ever since. I’m guessing the weather was different in Florida this past week. Oh well. It’s good for the industry up here…which means it’s good for all of us. Let it snow that white gold.

Today at lunch, I sat down next to two coworkers in the cafeteria…and after a few seconds, I realized that…I think they were speaking German. See, they were in a conversation, so I just kept to my chicken cordon bleu & broccoli soup and…yeah, I kinda eavesdropped. See, for those who don’t remember, I took German in high school. Why? F**k you, that’s why. Basically in the decade since, I haven’t had many opportunities to use it…so I’m a little rusty. I was really just trying to see if I could understand real German…being spoken by real Germans. There’s not a Telemundo for German. So anyway, I was picking up a few words I thought…but I was awfully disappointed in myself…so I figured that I’d just plunge in and introduce myself…and ask them if they were from Germany or Austria or what. “Oh no, Dutch sounds a lot like German.” “Oh sorry, I was trying not to eavesdrop but…I was a little.” “It’s okay, I would’ve done the same thing.” “So you’re from the Netherlands then…or?” Trying to include the cute girl into the conversation…but she was on the other side of the dude. The guy answered, “No, we’re from South Africa…but the language there is Afrikaans, which is similar.” “Africanese? Did you just make that up to mess with me? (luckily we both laughed a little) I’ve never heard of that before. I had no idea. Well, how are you two liking the weather here in Tahoe?” So we chatted for a bit…but yeah, Afrikaans (not Africanese) is a real language, derived from Dutch settlers in the 17th century (yes, the slave traders) and is the official language of South Africa, who will be hosting the World Cup this year. Now we both know. In fact, I’m gonna share with you a few Afrikaans phrases…that maybe I might butcher in trying to get to know these two coworkers (especially the sexy female one):

“Hallo! Hoe gaan dit?” – Hello, how’s it going?
“Baie good, dankie” – Very well, thank you
“Wat is jou naam?” – What is your name? (der…)
“Ek hou van jou” – I love you (oh yeah…)
I’ll let you know when I’m able to effectively translate pickup lines…

Let’s see. In other news, remember BW? From my Going Away Party? Chatted with her for the first time in a while. Apparently she & her mom may be coming to visit the area in May, so if I’m in town, we may have to go get sh*t-faced together…and let her mom drive us…just like at the party. Okay, so I’d be the designated driver (since I’m the only one driving Gretchen) but either way, it’d be a great time. She deserves a vacation. She’s been through a lot these past four years (my first infamous celebrity that I personally knew…and it all happened on my 25th birthday). So yeah, we’ll see if that happens. Either way, we’ll probably meet up in Utah when I visit there. Other than that, not much going on personally. My mom’s getting ready for her journey to Asia. I’m getting ready for my road trip. So without further ado, here’s the news…

Bank Robbing Update – This story is great. Actor Rip Torn (“Men in Black” & “Dodgeball”) pleaded not guilty Tuesday to burglary and firearms charges stemming from his January arrest inside a Connecticut bank after hours (what?). State police have said the 79-year-old Emmy award winner was so intoxicated on the night of January 29th (“How drunk was he?”) that he broke into the Litchfield Bancorp branch with a loaded gun, thinking it was his home in Salisbury in northwestern Connecticut. Torn is charged with criminal trespass, carrying a gun without a permit, carrying a gun while intoxicated, burglary and criminal mischief. Superior Court Judge James P. Ginocchio allowed him to remain free on $100,000 bond, under the condition that he stay away from alcohol (and probably banks while brandishing unlicensed firearms). Torn said he was more than happy to comply. Torn's attorney, A. Thomas Waterfall, said the actor, who is currently appearing in the movie "Happy Tears," has moved from an inpatient to an outpatient rehabilitation program. "Today we established with the court the excellent strides that Rip has made through his treatment," he said. Torn received probation last year in a Connecticut DUI case and also had alcohol-related arrests in New York in the past. He told reporters that he had been through rehabilitation before, and had been sober for some time before the night he was arrested. "I've never missed a day's work in my life," he said. He is due back in court on April 27. Waterfall declined to say if Torn is currently working (so as not to spoil the surprise of the “Men in Black” sequel). Sigh… Okay, here’s an experiment…and please remember that bail was $100,000. Get wasted, I’m talking world’s spinning in a fishbowl wasted, break into your local bank, with an unlicensed firearm…and see if the cops react with the same level of courtesy…or if they just open fire after screaming out “He’s coming right for us!!!” Go ahead. I’ll wait. Here’s the thing, what if he was really trying to rob the bank? I mean…let’s say, you’re robbing a bank…and you f**k up…and the cops pounce on you so fast you’re trying to figure out who squealed…but then realize it’s an operation of one. What do you do? Step one, stagger like a drunken idiot. Throw in some sayings that don’t make a whole lot of sense in any context. “The cats!!! They’re brown!!!” Step two, keep the firearm. It’ll look too suspicious if you just leave the gun in the bank after claiming to be supremely intoxicated. Why would you bring a gun to a bank that you broke into…if you were drunk…and claiming it was your home? If it’s still in your hand, there’s always the insanity plea. Important sidenote, don’t point it in the general direction of anybody. Probably best just to slouch and keep the gun as low to the ground as possible…yet still in your hand. Draw some pictures in the grass. Again, it’ll help with your plea. Step three, continue to make ridiculous and illogical comments like “I thought this was my house. I was wondering why my vault was so small.” It’ll throw the cops off your trail…and give you ample time to consult with your lawyer…and anything you say CAN be used against you…but again, will probably only be admissible for a plea deal. Step four, don’t take a breathalyzer. If you have to, picture your grandparents having kinky sex in the middle of an unsanitary slaughterhouse, then vomit all over the arresting officer. If they find out that you’re not drunk, the jig is up…and not in the sexual way. Or…you could also be a pro about it…and do it this way in the first place…

Bank Robbing Done Right - Robbers tunneled their way into the vault of a Parisian bank over the weekend and cracked almost 200 private safes, police said. The gangsters tied up the security guard at a Credit Lyonnais branch on Paris's Avenue de l'Opera on Saturday night, before digging through a series of cellars to reach the vault, police said late on Monday. They spent several hours opening the safes and set the place on fire as they left to destroy any evidence. The value of the stolen goods is still being estimated. French media were quick to compare the case to the "Spaggiari Affair," a heist masterminded by Albert Spaggiari more than 30 years ago in Nice. Spaggiari's gang dug into the vault of a Societe Generale branch, spent two days and two nights there and made away with booty worth some 24 million euros ($32.42 million). Now THAT’S how you rob a f**king bank. Subdue the guard, make a back door, take it to where the REAL money’s at, maybe throw out a few French one-liners, take your sweet ass time to find all the best stuff, don’t worry, banks are closed on Sundays, maybe even copycat a fellow thief who’s been out of the game for a while, then skip away with eight digits to spread amongst your team. Am I forgetting something? Oh yes, torch the place afterwards…so the cops have to devote more time to containment of the fire, finding out exactly what was lost, destroying traces of your presence, and you hope on your boat in the French Riviera and make your way to Morocco. Rip, I hope you’re taking f**king notes for next time.

Google Earth: Peepin’ It Real - A Florida Panhandle deputy was able to track down and arrest a man on charges of illegally dumping a boat near his home with a surprising tool: satellite pictures provided by Google Earth. Deputy Gregory Barnes used the images after finding an 18-foot boat dumped in an undeveloped subdivision about 15 miles north of Pensacola. Google Earth shows archived satellite and aerial images of communities across the world. Barnes used it to look at the surrounding area and saw a fuzzy image of the vessel at Dwight Everett Foster's home. Authorities say Foster admitted dumping the boat and his son later removed it. Police say it cost $18 to dispose of the boat at a landfill. Foster faces a $5,000 fine and up to five years in prison. Okay, so let’s forget about this whole crime thing real quick and get to the point of the matter. The cops used Google Earth…to find him. Why hasn’t this been done before? Could you imagine if brought up Google Earth at the O.J. Trial? “Your honor, as you see, when we compare these images outside of the Brown home…to similar images taken from the Goodyear Blimp during the Rose Bowl, you can see the similarities of the overhead angle of Mister Simpson. We’re still not sure why he was wearing the helmet during the attack.” “Come on coach, I had to get my Game Face on.” “Mister Simpson, please sit down.” All this time I thought that Google Earth was just a way to spy on sexy sunbathers on South Beach from my apartment in Utah…but then I discovered that there’s porn on the internet. Now there’s a real application for it. Security camera didn’t catch anything? Witness testimony is sketchy at best? Let’s Google that sh*t!!! While we’re at it, let’s see if Kim Kardashian’s working on her tan again.

Wrong Turn – Do you hate it when Mapquest or your GPS gives you horrible directions? Well, it can be frustrating…but it’s probably still better than your natural sense of direction. For example, police say a motorist fleeing officers in Cleveland abandoned his car and jumped a fence — landing in what turned out to be a prison yard. Garfield Heights police say the chase started in that suburb early Monday over a traffic violation and reached speeds of 90 mph. Police say that after a race through several communities, the driver and a passenger bolted from the car and headed for a fence. They apparently did not realize it was on the outside the state women's prison in Cleveland. Based on what I’ve seen on TV, my response would be “JACKPOT!!!” Then again, I’ve only seen a few of those late night Showtime movies over the years. The two were arrested along with two other passengers who also tried to flee…but apparently went in a slightly better direction. That’s really all there is to this story. It always interests me as to why they would try to get away if it was just a traffic violation like a speeding ticket or something. I wouldn’t be surprised if further inspection of the vehicle revealed something…or there was some powder substance gently sprinkled in the grassy areas as they ran away. Anyway, I’m sure the helicopter video will be on Spike or Tru TV soon enough.

Idle Hands – Then again, maybe they were just bored and wanted to see if they could get away with it. A man who has been charged with making a naked dash through a Tennessee supermarket told police he was "bored and didn't have anything else to do." Yes, that was a quote…and no, I did not say it. The Kingsport Times-News reports that a man entered an IGA store Friday night, wearing nothing but a face mask (not even shoes), and ran around the aisles. A police report says officers found the suspect in the bathroom of a nearby Hardee's restaurant. Employees say he entered the fast food outlet wearing nothing but an orange hooded sweat shirt (so the top half was covered) and asked if anyone could lend him clothes. An employee gave him a pair of athletic shorts (hopefully a spare pair, otherwise that would just be awkward to go back to work). Kingsport police arrested 22-year-old Daniel R. Lee of Church Hill and have charged him with indecent exposure. I can’t wait until they do the lineup. “Ma’am, can you identify the man that you saw at the supermarket?” “Well, it wasn’t Number Two. He’s too chubby. Sorry, it all happened so fast…and my eyes aren’t what they used to be.” “It’s okay ma’am, take your time.” “He was average size…so Number One’s Vienna sausage and Number Five’s kielbasa can go. Oh my, did you line them up in order of…? Maybe I should take a closer look at Number Five again…” “Thank you gentlemen, that’ll be enough.” See what happens when people get bored? They start making mad dashes through a supermarket wearing nothing but a smile. I don’t know, sometimes I think that I was meant to be in Tennessee. I’ve been there a few times…and love Memphis…but they just seem to be my kind of people. Jazz, sexy accents, beautiful scenery, laid back attitudes, good eats from barbecue to Jack Daniels, I get the Dukes of Hazzard, and most importantly, southern girls love me (and let’s not forget, Megan Fox is from Tennessee). Who knows? Maybe my journey doesn’t end in Utah… or California… or even in the States… but one thing’s for sure. No matter where that destination might be… they’ll have no problem picking me out of a lineup after a Supermarket Spree. Hell, I’ll probably have my phone number written in marker across my abs.

ID4 Sequels - Will Smith (aka The Fresh Prince) is rumored to have signed a deal with 20th Century Fox to star in two "Independence Day" sequels says IESB.Net. Roland Emmerich, who helmed the original films (as well as “The Day After Tomorrow” & “2012”), said in the past Fox wasn't willing to move forward with any ID4 sequel due mainly to Will Smith's costly $20 million plus first dollar gross salary. Now the site claims that Smith is locked for two sequels to be shot back-to-back with filming to kick off as early as late next year. Emmerich is currently set to direct the William Shakespeare thriller "Anonymous" while Smith is currently deciding between "The City That Sailed" or "Men in Black 3" (See? Rip really was trying to keep it a secret. I wasn’t just making that up) as his next project. Any 'Independence' sequel would not happen until after both of those projects. The site is still awaiting confirmation from Fox and other sources. Also, just to elaborate so that you don’t scurry to find a work of Shakespeare’s entitled “Anonymous” let me explain. The movie that Roland Emmerich is directing isn’t a work of Shakespeare (though I’d picture his take of “Hamlet” as something out of “Last Action Hero”) but rather a political thriller about who actually wrote the plays of Shakespeare (Edward de Vere, the Earl of Oxford) and is a period piece set against the era of Elizabeth I and the Essex Rebellion…so yes, there will probably still be explosions. What was my point? Oh yeah, so keep an eye out for… “Independence Weekend” or “Welcome to Earth” or whatever it’ll be called…if it happens.

So yeah, that’ll probably do it for today. The snow’s still coming down…but again, it’s a good thing. Everybody just play safe out there, stay warm & get over those nasty colds that ruined your weekend. If you get bored, or just need to hear a reassuring voice, you know the digits. Holla!!! Have a great night everybody!!!

The Man Who Glares at G.O.A.T.S.

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This weekend was a lot of fun…despite basically just being me. I watched a few movies, watched some great college basketball games, did some cleaning around the apartment, did some laundry, went to Reno, got Gretchen an oil change & a tire rotation, play some basketball, worked out a few times, cooked a few meals, went for a hike down at the lake, just enjoyed the beautiful weekend by relaxing and taking in some rays (though not sunbathing, still a little chilly for all that). How about those basketball games though? The Final Four has a few staples like Duke & Michigan State…but then West Virginia who last made it this far back when Jerry West (aka The Logo) was playing for the Mountaineers over 50 years ago (his son’s on the team now) and Butler’s there for the first time…and playing for a home crowd there in Indianapolis. Should make for an interesting Easter weekend. Good times. Here are some pictures from my hike…and I think I found a pretty sweet picnic place for anybody who’s in the mood for a picnic when they come visit…

This is seriously...the cleanest water I can imagine

Oh yeah, that's my picnic spot...

Sand Harbor

If only there was a way to get higher...

Another nice picnic spot...

King's Beach

Yes, happy birthday Jenny...wherever you are

Friday night, I watched “The Men Who Stare at Goats” starring George Clooney, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Spacey & Ewan McGregor. I saw the previews for this a while ago…and I thought that it looked pretty stupid…but I gave it a shot. Why? Because if George Clooney, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Spacey AND Ewan McGregor all agreed to be in it, how bad could it possibly be? It would have to be a perfect storm of like “Batman & Robin”, “King Kong”, “Superman Returns” & “Down With Love” all happening at the same time, right? The story is about a reporter (McGregor) who stumbles upon an unbelievable story about psychic spies that could read minds, see into the future & kill using telekinesis. Well, after his girlfriend leaves him, he decides that he’s going to “man up” and go to Iraq for some bad-ass investigative journalism. While there, he stumbles upon a man who was mentioned in the crazy story (Clooney) and then the adventure goes from there, involving kidnapping & overall general craziness. It’s not a great movie…but a lot better than I expected. There were even other great actors in this movie like Stephen Lang (“Avatar”) and Robert Patrick (“T2: Judgment Day”) but it has its moments…and that’s about it. Just kind of a kooky little story that may have been sorta based on a true story in a few ways.

Saturday night involved a similar story called “The Informant!” starring Matt Damon and directed by Steve Soderbergh (“Ocean’s 11” trilogy). It’s the story of a man who blows the whistle on his company for price fixing…and works with the FBI (Scott Bakula & Joel McHale) to build a case against them. However, it all gets a little crazy when things start going to his head…and he blows things out of proportion…and is just a little kooky. Now, I’m not going to spoil the ending…but I kinda knew where the movie was going to go about ten minutes into it because…I hate to say it, but some of the character’s thought patterns & inner monologue is a LOT like mine sometimes. Can he handle the pressure of being an informant? Can he bring down Big Corn? Only one way to find out. On that note, it’s kind of funny at some parts…and borderline ridiculous at others…but it’s just strange and “a little off” enough to make it interesting. Do I say go out and rent it today? Of course not…unless you’re really really bored or something. It’s an okay movie. Not great, not horrible. Now “Zombieland” that’s a movie you should go rent for some laughs.

Well, that about does it for my weekend. I’m really getting excited about my road trip coming up soon. Both for the beautiful destinations that I’ll be visiting and the beautiful people that I’ll be visiting. I hope you all know that I really miss you guys & gals…and I’ll be planning on tearin’ it up when I’m in town, so be prepared. Sigh… supposed to snow the next couple nights…but hopefully it’ll hold off until I go pick my roommate up at the airport tonight. I hope he got enough sunshine in Florida this past week. Anyway, have a great day everybody!!!

Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Did you see the games last night? Holy crap!!! That’s double overtime game with Kansas State & Xavier? Classic. Even the other games were pretty good. As for my brackets, I think as long as Kentucky ends up winning it all…and Baylor wins tonight (I had them “upsetting” Villanova instead of St. Mary’s today) that I might be set as far as winning this office pool. Then again, I have no idea what anybody else picked…but I assume very few people had champions other than Kansas or Kentucky. Maybe Duke…but I doubt it. Anyway, other than that, just having a grand ole time. It snowed a little bit the past few days…but only enough to have early morning ice on the roads. It cleared up once the sun came out. Getting really excited for Road Trip 2010…and in fact, I think this weekend is when I’ll start preparations like giving Gretchen an oil change, rotating the tires, all that stuff…and make sure I’m fully prepared (laundry, cleaning house, tie up loose ends, pay bills, etc). Then again, it’s supposed to be a beautiful weekend again…so who knows? Maybe Yosemite will call my name or something. Okay, I doubt that…but hey, you never know. Oh…and I’d also like to wish a happy birthday to my stepdad Lavar & my buddy Brooklyn…and a happy 2nd anniversary to Bubbles. Can’t believe it’s been two years since you moved down to Vegas already. Miss ya tons.

Today would’ve also been the 3rd wedding anniversary of my brother & his now crack whore ex-wife (the ex part is the only thing that’s really changed honestly). I’m sure I’ll be calling him tonight and trying to ease his spirits…while he drinks another fifth of Tequila Rose…and chases that with what’s left of his vodka…and probably a few beers after that. It’s what happened last year…but hopefully he has company again this time too. He’s a great guy… and a wonderful father… but we all make mistakes… and Love… Love is a mother f**ker… but I hope that you all get to experience it on a regular basis. Just remember, the bad helps you to appreciate the good. So yeah, here’s some news…

JACKPOT!!! - People fell onto a bag of cash like a pack of hungry piranhas after more than $100,000 tumbled out the back of an armored truck onto an Ohio street, local media reported. The bag split open after it fell off the back of the vehicle Wednesday and the driver drove away without noticing. But a whole bunch of people spotted the cash blowing down the street in Whitehall, a Columbus suburb, and a mad dash for cash ensued. "People were jumping out of their vehicles," one witness told NBC4 news. "Like when you throw some fish in and you've got a school of piranhas and they haven't eaten for a long time. It was funny." Another witness described a surreal atmosphere with people laughing, smiling and taking as much as they could carry. Workers at a nearby flower shop helped police gather up the money in boxes. Several people ended up bringing some of the cash into the police station…but only about $10,500 had been recovered by the end of the day, the Columbus Dispatch reported. Yeah, I was surprised the number was that high too. "We're hoping that more people do the right thing," Whitehall Police Sergeant Randy Snider told the paper. Police are examining surveillance camera video and photographs from cell phone cameras to try to track down the people who grabbed the money. Really? You can’t just say “Bank error in your favor, collect $500” and let it be? Would you take the money? Of course you would. Who wouldn’t? In fact, just to cover my tracks (since I’m easily identifiable in a lineup), I’d return some of it. “Here you go officer. I wasn’t sure where to return this to, you guys or the armored truck company?” “Sir, we have video of a man fitting your description loading up your trunk with three boxes of hundred dollar bills…and a several bouquet of roses & lilies from the flower shop…and you bring back (counts) a thousand dollars?” “Funny, I see a man fitting your description who might get a few hundred for himself if he keeps his f**king mouth shut. P.S. If that’s what I was allegedly doing, I was performing a public service and picking up litter. Roll wit dat!!!”

Utah Crime Update – Remember yesterday? With the kid robbing the convenience store…but didn’t want his mom to find out? Well, here’s another funny story from the Beehive State. Utah police say a man accused of stealing two phones from a convenience store (again, probably 7-11) was arrested when he flagged down the investigating officer and asked for directions. Police say the officer noticed that John White (most fitting name for a Utah resident EVER) matched the description a store clerk gave of the thief (“blonde, blue eyes, kinda douchy” could be anybody in Utah), and the address White wanted turned out to be the same one the officer was checking. How? The address had been left on a slip of paper the thief left at the gas station. White was arrested Tuesday after the officer found he had both phones, along with a small amount of marijuana. Police say charges are pending. Sigh… maybe he wants to go to jail. I wonder what the address was. His friend’s house? Somebody who wanted to buy a cell phone (that could be traced anyway)? HIS HOUSE? “Excuse me officer, I seem to be lost. Can you tell me how to get to 158 W Juniper Street?” “Better yet, I’ll give you a ride. Hop on in the back.” I wonder if he robbed the store in that bright yellow shirt too. Come on people, think before you get high and rob a place. Some people just need an education.

Odd Book Titles - A book charting the frontier between handicrafts and geometry on Friday won Britain's quirkiest literary award, the Diagram Prize for year's oddest book title. "Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes" by mathematician Daina Taimina beat runners-up "What Kind of Bean is This Chihuahua?" and "Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich." Prize overseer Horace Bent (tehehe, Ho Bent?) said "the public proclivity towards non-Euclidian needlework" proved too strong for the competition. "I've never won any prizes before. This is my first prize and it's wonderful," said Taimina, an adjunct associate professor at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York (GO BIG RED!!!). The winning book's title may be odd, but the subject is serious. Taimina uses crochet to create hyperbolic planes, surfaces on which lines curve away from each other instead of running parallel, as on a flat plane, or converging, as on a sphere. Her creations, which resemble complex coral formations, have been included in art shows and hailed by academics for making tactile concepts in geometry that can be hard to visualize. "These are two-dimensional objects which you can see only in three dimensions. If you want to see three-dimensional hyperbolic space you can't because you have to be in four dimensions. Understanding these hyperbolic planes, you understand just the first step." Holy crap that concept just got me at half-staff. I love it when people talk nerdy to me. Anyway, founded in 1978, the Diagram Prize is run by trade magazine The Bookseller. Its rules say the books must be serious and their titles not merely a gimmick (ugh…okay?). The winner is decided by public vote. The other finalists were "Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter," "Governing Lethal Behavior in Autonomous Robots" and "The Changing World of Inflammatory Bowel Disease." Previous champions include "Bombproof Your Horse" and "Living With Crazy Buttocks." How are those not gimmicky titles? Bombproof Your Horse? I assume that’s even a typo…and it’s about fortifying your house. Living with Crazy Buttocks? I’ve seen people with MAD ASS, like for days…but crazy buttocks? “Help, my ass has gone crazy.” I think I saw Oprah’s do that on a South Park episode. Anyway, congratulations to this year’s winner & honorable mentions. I’m sorry I will probably never read and/or see a copy of your book. They sound amazing.

Return of the Ghost of Orson Welles - A recently discovered recording of the late Orson Welles narrating a children's Christmas novel will be employed in the 3D live-action/CG hybrid movie "Christmas Tails" says Indie Movies Online. Robert X. Leed penned the book back in the early 80's and got his friend, Welles, to make five reel-to-reel recordings narrating the book in 1985. Several months later Welles passed away and the recording has essentially been sitting on a shelf. Now, special effects studio Drac Studios ("Curious Case of Benjamin Button") will develop an adaptation of the story in which ill reindeer makes Santa consider cancelling Christmas, and the group of canines who team to help save the day. Todd Tucker will direct from a script by Matt Thompson. So there you go, the great filmmaker Orson Welles is making Christmas movies from beyond the grave. Awesome, right? Finally, the last image of him won’t be voicing Unicron in “Transformers: The Movie” or being reincarnated as a mouse bent on world domination (Brain of “Pinky & the Brain” masterfully voiced by Maurice LaMarche). So yeah, I still probably won’t see it…but hey, you’d be amazed at what you can find when you go through all your old junk on the shelves. Some find old baseball cards, some find pictures they drew as children, some stumble upon dirty videos of their parents, and some find narrations by cinematic legends. You never know unless you look.

Well, I guess I really don’t have much else to say today. Can’t really think of any good movie list or little points of insight or anything like that. Sure, I could post some pictures of some really hot chicks…but without the proper context, what’s the point? Oh yeah, to see some pictures of some really hot chicks. Hmm, well anyway, here's a link to something that I think you'll find absolutely hilarious. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Nerd Alphabet

To wet your appetite...

Earth's Most Wanted

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The Madness begins again tonight!!! I’m currently one point behind in the office pool…but I think there are no more upsets on my pool so…I guess I just have to hope whoever’s in the lead picked something really random and it doesn’t come to be. Oh well. Other than that, I heard a cute story from my mom last night that I thought I’d share with you. Kairi & Vinny were staying with her the other night…and they slept in grandma’s bed. Kairi went to sleep right away…but Vinny jabbered on for two hours about whatever (may be genetic?) then fell asleep. Well, apparently shortly after he fell asleep, he started talking in his sleep, “Burger King, French fries, chicken nuggets, mmm Burger King…” and so on for quite some time. Was my nephew having dreams of fast food? Well, I can’t say much. I’m sure I’ve been caught talking in my sleep, “Mmm melons, fish tacos, pumpkin pie, MELONS!!! FISH TACOS!!! (followed by a little motorboat action)” so it’s perfectly natural. What can I say? We Loves love our food.

I’ve also started watching season one of “Breaking Bad” the AMC TV series starring Bryan Cranston. It’s the story of a high school chemistry teacher Walter White (Cranston) who just turned fifty, has a beautiful thirty-something wife, disabled son and a daughter on the way. Then he finds out that he has inoperable lung cancer…and about a year to live. He wants to provide for his family once he’s gone…but how? Teachers make d**k for money (that’s why I’m not in the industry). Well, his brother-in-law is a DEA agent…and he hears about the piles of cash that meth dealers have when they get busted. He goes on a ride-along…and during a bust finds that a former student of his is in the industry…and so he basically says, “Either help me or I’ll turn you in” and they start to cook meth. Oh, by the way, it’s rated M for Mature. I like it thus far…and I’m gonna tell you why.

I’ve mentioned before that it’d probably be a bad idea to give me a negative diagnosis. In fact, I’m pretty sure that everybody has a list of things they would do if they were given (set amount of time) to live. Travel the world, spend time with loved ones, plant a tree, what's on your list? Well, I’m also pretty sure that most of the men that I know, have a slightly different list. More of a “Blaze of Glory” list where, as mentioned before, I’d rob a bank (hoping not to hurt anybody…but don’t get in my f**king way). We’ve all thought about getting into the drug game at one time or another (don’t deny it). That’s where the money is. So why don’t we do it? We don’t want to go to jail. People die all the time in the game. Drugs are bad m’kay. There are moral implications on profiting on the suffering of others (but it’s very easy to convince yourself that you’re providing a much needed service or something). Maybe we just have other options. We all have our reasons…but yeah, if you knew there was a ticking clock…and you only had a few weeks to live the rest of your life and provide for your family, I’m pretty sure you’d do something similar to what Walter White’s doing on this show. God know I would. In fact, in the first few episodes, I was trying to help Walter with some of his moral dilemmas, “Don’t feed that drug dealer. He tried to kill you. What more reason do you need to finish him?” or “What’s the big deal about disposing of a body?” Yeah, it was kind of scary after a while how comfortable I was with some of the ideas presented…but hey, that’s how TV dramas are. You have to drag it out, otherwise there’s no season two. So yeah, let’s all hope I have perfect health until the Apocalypse comes and I’m swallowed whole by a giant snake. Here’s some news…

Bank Robbing Update – Also, if you’re going to do some criminal enterprise, do it wisely. If you’re dealing drugs, don’t get high on your own supply. If you’re gonna sell p***y, don’t pay for it & keep your pimp hand strong. If you’re going to rob a bank, don’t give away the element of surprise. It’s really all you have. Police in Connecticut say they had ample warning of a bank robbery because the two suspects called the bank ahead of time and told an employee to get a bag of money ready. Police arrested 27-year-old Albert Bailey and an unidentified 16-year-old boy on robbery and threatening charges Tuesday afternoon at a People's United Bank branch in Fairfield. Sgt. James Perez says the two Bridgeport residents showed up about 10 minutes after making the call and were met by police in the parking lot. Perez told the Connecticut Post the suspects were "not too bright." It's not clear if Bailey and the teen have lawyers. That had to have been an interesting phone conversation. “People’s United Bank, this is Cindy, how can I help you?” “Yeah, hey Cindy, whattup? This is Al (in the background, “Don’t use your name”) She wouldn’t know it’s my real name if you kept your f**king mouth shut. Sorry, so yeah, we were just letting you know that we’re gonna rob y’all in about ten, fifteen minutes…so it’d be easier for both of us if you just had the bag of money ready to go. You know, standard stuff, non-sequined, unmarked bills (“It’s non-sequential”) Shut the f**k up, you’re just a little kid. Grown-ups is on the phone. Alright, so Cindy, can ya do that for me? Otherwise it’s gonna get really messy up in this piece.” “Ugh…sure, so…you want me to have a bag of money ready to just give to you? Okay. Ugh…do you want me to just bring it out into the parking lot or something?” “(whispers) She says she’ll just bring it out to the car for us. (“Sure, that’s easier, right?”) Good thinking Cindy, make sure to keep a stack for yourself.” “Okay, will do. Ugh…what car should I look for?” “Oh, duuuh. Okay, we’re going to be pulling up in this rust-colored Cadillac with a red fender (“It’s just covered in rust, I think it’s gray”) She’s not gonna notice the gray & rust is a color, for the last time, shut the f**k up. Okay, the license plate number is…” And they wonder how they got caught. Seriously, they didn’t even think to say that they had a hostage or anything? Come on guys. Wait, maybe they’re like this next guy…

Mugshot of the Week - A Florida man has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for violating his probation by trying to break into the Brevard County jail. A judged sentenced 25-year-old Sylvester Jiles of Cocoa on Monday. He was convicted in January of trespassing on jail property and resisting an officer. Authorities say Jiles tried to climb a 12-foot fence at the Brevard County Detention Center in August. He was caught and hospitalized with severe cuts from the barbed wire. He had been released a week earlier after accepting a plea deal on a manslaughter charge. Jiles had begged jail officials to take him back into custody, saying he feared retaliation from the victim's family (as well he should…because if he had killed someone in my family, jail’s the safest place for him). Jail officials said they couldn't take him in and told him to file a police report…so he tried to break back in…and now will be there until he’s forty…or randomly shanked in the shower by a lifer for a pack of cigarettes. Kind of a sad story all around…but hey, the mugshot’s ridiculous. Some people just like being behind bars? I blame the design of playpens for my Uncle Joey’s problem (yes, that’s a “Back to the Future” reference) but it’s not like it’s government funded or anything…

Sing Sing Sing-Along - Complaints have prompted New York City's public housing authority to change a playground jungle gym made to resemble a jail. Workers removed the word "jail" and fake bars on Wednesday from the Tompkins Houses jungle gym in Brooklyn (of course it’s in the inner city). Natasha Godley, who has a 6-year-old son, says she complained because "it was like promoting kids to go to jail." Housing Authority spokeswoman Sheila Stainback (stage name?) says it was part of the original design of the playground, which was erected in 2004. She says no one complained until this week (Really? That’s quite impressive). Stainback said the agency wants to replace that part of the playground and is looking into who ordered the equipment. Changes also were being made to a second fake jail. Stainback declined to divulge its location (so either the Bronx or Harlem). You know, you may be thinking “How could that have passed? A fake jail…in a playground?” but then again, I remember a few things growing up that seemed questionable on this level. Remember Dodgeball? What happened when you got hit? You went to “jail” and stayed there until somebody on your team caught the ball or the next game. Monopoly? You go to jail and play craps (try to roll doubles) until they let you go. And why? Because the card told you so. I’ve always wondered why I went to jail in that game. Did I try to welch on the rent? Tax evasion? Grand theft auto? Did I kill another hooker? Did I run over the dog? Was my thimble found at a coke bust? I mean…we put babies in cages and call them bassinettes, right? Maybe it’s not just silly playgrounds…where you also have the option to jump off a bridge, slide down a garbage chute, dangle from a bar over a surface of recycled tires and mulch and honestly, I don’t know how kids get hurt at these things anymore. They’re all plastic and flubber or whatever…where when I was in the jungle gym years, you know why they were called jungle gyms, because they used trees…and nails…and reinforced steel…and they didn’t even polish it or sand the edges most of the time. Hell, I say if the kids want a playground, let them build it out of Legos…and I’ll bet you it ends up looking like a jail with a sweet little swively satellite on top and a drawbridge. I forget what my point was. Oh yeah, is it Racist? Funny? Ridiculous? All the above? You be the judge. Oh…and don’t think stuff like this only leads to inner-city kids turning to a life of crime…

Slick City Update - Police said a teenager who botched a robbery at a Salt Lake City convenience store asked the clerk not to tell his mom. Salt Lake City police said the teen went into the store early Saturday morning and approached the counter with several items. As the clerk rung them up, the teen tried to sneak behind him and hold a knife to his neck. The clerk spun around with his hands up and smacked the teen in the face, knocking him to the floor. The teen then asked the clerk not to call the police and then added "Don't tell my mom" before he fled. What the hell? Punk ass kids pulling a knife at a 7-11 (how do I know it was a 7-11? Because they have one ever single block in Salt Lake City), gets pimpslapped by the clerk…and then runs home to his mom. I’m surprised the clerk didn’t chase after him, put him over his knee and tan that hide until the cops showed up for child abuse or something. THIS is why spanking your kids isn’t wrong. I’ll tell you what, if Kairi pulls a knife on me for some reason, she’d better be quick with it. “Baby girl, don’t. You won’t like how it ends up…” Grab, twist, break, slap, subdue. Kids nowadays, am I right? They can’t even shoplift right anymore. That’s just lazy. Oh…and speaking of kids…

PETA and the Octomom - Nadya Suleman's octuplets have brought her plenty of fame…but fortune appears to be another story. Her father, Ed Doud, has defaulted on a $450,000 balloon payment on a half-million dollar house he bought last year for the family to live in, mortgage holder Amer Haddadin said Wednesday. Haddadin told The Associated Press he plans to file foreclosure papers in court within days if he doesn't get his money. Although Suleman's lawyer, Jeff Czech, said earlier this week his client's father was hoping to work something out, he was blunt when it came to the balloon payment: "Mr. Doud at this moment doesn't have $450,000 to pay off." In a brief e-mail Wednesday, he added that he was negotiating with Haddadin's attorney for more time to refinance. Not that Suleman doesn't have the opportunity to raise the money quickly, although not in ways she would want to. Wait, it gets good. Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment, one of the world's largest purveyors of adult films, announced this week that his company would pay off Suleman's mortgage if she would make a porn film (get laid AND pay off your parent’s house?). Hirsch assured it would be, well, as tasteful as those things can be with her input on male co-stars and script (I thought this was a porn?). He declined to say whether Suleman had expressed interest in the offer, but Czech indicated she had rejected it out of hand. He did say that Suleman had accepted a much more modest offer from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) which was $5,000 to put a sign in her front yard proclaiming, "Don't Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter." As an added incentive, the animal rights organization had said Wednesday it would throw in a month's supply of veggie burgers and veggie hot dogs (but no real food) for Suleman and her 14 children, who range in age from 1 to 8. "No porn. Just Peta. Nadya prefers animals over men," Czech said in an e-mail exchange with The Associated Press…and if you play your cards right, he could represent you too and imply that you’re into bestiality. When Suleman's children were born in January 2009 it seemed inconceivable that a little more than a year later she might be scrounging up hot dog offers from an animal rights group. The arrival of the longest-surviving octuplets in history was hailed as a medial miracle and it appeared a joyful public was ready to line up to help raise them, providing free diapers, food and other necessities. There was also talk of book and movie deals and perhaps a reality show along the lines of "Jon & Kate Plus 8." So how did this happen? Well, public opinion quickly turned against her when it was discovered she was a single mother who had conceived eight children by in vitro fertilization when she already had six youngsters to raise. What's more she was unemployed and surviving on a combination of student loans, disability checks for other children and workers' compensation checks for an old back injury (that explains why she just lied there…I mean… what?). At the time she was also living with her mother whose own home was in foreclosure. Still, she made some money. The European production company, Eyeworks, whose credits include "Breaking Bonaduce" and "The Biggest Loser," signed a deal under which her children would earn nearly $250,000 over a three-year period. Suleman also struck a deal with RadarOnline.com that came to light after the tabloid site was cited by the state labor commissioner for allegedly failing to get the required permits to videotape her children and for filming too many hours a day and too late at night. But she also spent money, too. She's been photographed shopping at expensive stores, getting manicures and working out. Her father bought her current home in La Habra, a bedroom community of 60,000 southeast of Los Angeles, for $565,000, including a $130,000 down payment. Under the terms of the deal, Haddadin said, he was to receive $4,000 in monthly payments, followed by the balloon payment, which was due March 10. Suleman's attorney has said Haddadin failed to disclose several major defects in the home, including one that leaves it susceptible to flooding during rainstorms (ugh…it’s in California? It’s susceptible to earthquakes & drive-bys too). "Toys were floating around in the garage," during a recent storm, he said. Haddadin angrily denied there were any problems with the house. "It was in good condition. I lived there 11 years and we had no problems." So obviously my favorite part…is where PETA, who normally I think is quite ridiculous, basically gave her money to call her a b**ch in heat…and say that she should be spayed…and then give her & her litter dog food burgers for a month…because she had to shop on Rodeo Drive & despite having 14 kids by various baby daddies, she’s not willing to get f**ked for half a million dollars. You really can’t make stuff like that up. I’m sorry for your financial woes, Octomom…but on the other hand, I really don’t give a sh*t. Thank you for making my day…and like Bob Barker said, “Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets.”

That’ll do it for today. Perhaps the life of crime simply isn’t the life for me…and I’m thankful for that. I’ll just stick to misdemeanor like public indecency, exhibitionism, and the occasional illegal U-turn instead of cooking up drugs, robbing banks & pimpin’ women. Then again, we’ll see how my next doctor’s appointment goes. Keep up the good fight everybody!!! Have a great night!!!