Check the Breasts

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it’s been busy busy catching up on my tasks since taking a few days off for San Francisco. Can’t wait to see what awaits me when I get back from Road Trip 2010 but I’m not worried. I can take it. So… I discovered something the other night flipping through the channels. See, some of the cable channels after like 10 PM, have these horrible soft core porn shows on…and I guess I never noticed it before. Why did I notice it this time? I’ll tell you why. I was flipping through the channels…and on Spike TV was the 2006 “The Hills Have Eyes” remake…which I can assume was completely edited, even for Spike. Then I scroll down a bit…and there’s a movie on another channel called “The Hills Have Thighs” and it was just starting. “Hmm, what the hell?” So I flip to it…and there’s this guy wandering through Zions or something…and it’s trying to be all creepy like the movie with “What’s that noise? Is somebody there?” type stuff…and then two big breasted cave-dwelling mutants come out and basically rape the guy to death (without showing anything besides big fake chesticles). Anyway, I’d love to tell you what happened afterwards…but I just couldn’t stomach watching anymore. Did I mention the girls weren’t that attractive? Just doing a public service announcement for all you parents out there. P.S. I DVR’d that latest episode of South Park…and sex addiction & Tiger Woods and whatever…and I did notice that all of the commercials were about Girls Gone Wild & Extenze. Pretty funny episode though. Check it out.

Also, something you should check out...is "Quarantine" starring Jennifer Carpenter ("Dexter") and Jay Hernandez ("Hostel"). I will gladly admit that when the previews for this movie came out...and it was basically just the night vision girl screaming as being dragged into the dark, I immediately thought "pass" and that was that. More so, when I was told it was the whole "Blair Witch", "Cloverfield" shot through a video camera thing, I thought "double pass" because I still want the camera guy in Cloverfield to be the first one to die. Annoying as sh*t. However, this movie was actually pretty damn sweet. Okay, for those who don't know, it's about a TV news reporter (Carpenter) & her cameraman who are shadowing a local fire department when they're called out to a disturbance. They get there & find an elderly woman with blood on her...and then she attacks one of the men. Basically from there, it slowly and steadily gets creepier...and then it just gets f**king nuts. I'll admit there were a few points where my roommate and I were like "Turn on the f**king flashlight" & "Get out of the way, we can't see" but it was actually a very well done horror flick...and that takes a LOT for me to say. I suggest that you check it out, especially if you're into horror flicks. Best one I've seen in a while.

Now for a movie you can pass on, I would suggest never acknowledging "The Ugly Truth" starring Gerard Butler & Katherine Heigl. "$teve, why the hell did you watch this movie?" I'll tell you why...because Gerard Butler had like five movies come out last year...and nobody watched them in theatres, so I had to see if it was because of him or what. Is he just the next Colin Farrell? Time will tell. Anyway, it's a romantic comedy about an crazy uptight superhot TV producer (Heigl) who is teamed with a chauvinistic TV personality (Butler) in order to get her channel ratings. She then meets her neighbor doctor and wants to marry him...but she needs some help...so who's going to help her? Yeah. There were a few funny parts...but I just didn't feel it...and you know me, I have a soft spot for romantic comedies. Okay, that's a lie...but I know funny...and I know BS. Katherine Heigl would have no problem getting a man if she were covered in blood and foaming at the mouth like she was in "Quarantine" so don't try to sell me on that. So anyway, here’s some real news…

Obama: Man of his Word – Stop right there, I’m not going to talk about the whole health care reform thing. This isn’t one of those blogs. I’m talking about another thing that President Obama came through on. A US envoy delivered two cases of beers Friday to Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to settle a bet US President Barack Obama lost when Canada beat the United States for Olympic ice hockey gold. David Jacobson, the US ambassador to Ottawa, delivered a case of Molson Canadian and an extra case of Obama's brew of choice (Yuengling from America's oldest brewery in Pottsville, Pennsylvania) to the doorstep of the prime minister's official residence at 24 Sussex Drive -- just in time for breakfast. Canada beat the US squad three to two in overtime in a thrilling match-up on February 28th to become the first Olympic host nation to capture men's hockey gold in 30 years (Lake Placid, USA). Under the terms of the friendly wager, if the United States had won the match, Obama would have received a case of 24 beers from Harper. Harper's spokesman Dimitri Soudas said both cases of beer would be sent to the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto for display (unsportsmanlike conduct for gloating?). Why do I mention this? Because for the first time in history…an African-American will be in the Hockey Hall of Fame. Truly a pioneer in many ways. I wonder if Canada even realizes it yet.

Mistaken Identity – Speaking of gestures of good faith, the Brooklyn police commissioner personally apologized Friday for the 50 or so mistaken, door-pounding visits that police have made to the home of a bewildered elderly Brooklyn couple in the past eight years...and gave them a cheesecake. It seems a glitch in computer records had led them over and over to Walter and Rose Martin's modest home in the Marine Park neighborhood, about 7 miles southeast of the Brooklyn Bridge. The most recent intrusion came Tuesday, with officers pounding on both the front and back doors, yelling "Police, open up!" On Thursday, detectives from the NYPD's Identity Theft Squad went to see the Martins again — this time to apologize. "And we wanted to be sure perps weren't using that address for identity theft," NYPD Deputy Commissioner Paul Browne told The Associated Press on Friday. The detectives told 82-year-old Rose and 83-year-old Walter that Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly had ordered them to solve the problem, which started eight years ago and was first reported this week in the New York Daily News. To bring home the sincerity of the NYPD's contrition, Kelly showed up Friday at the Martin's house with a gift: New York cheesecake. The commissioner rolled into the quiet Brooklyn neighborhood at midday, stopping in front of the Martins' small, neatly kept house, a large American flag fluttering by the front door. Kelly "went to apologize — and to explain," Browne said. "They expressed appreciation that the police commissioner came and they showed him pictures of their grandchildren." The snafu started in 2002, when police used the Brooklyn address as part of what Browne called "random material" to test an automated computer system that tracks crime complaints and records of other internal police information. Before that, the work was done manually. The couple first complained about the harrowing police visits in 2007, when Rose Martin wrote a letter to Kelly. "And we identified the problem then," Browne said. "It was a mistake by the police department." Police wiped the Martins' address from the system. Or so they thought, Browne said. Instead, the visits continued, and some computer files bearing the Martins' address stayed in the system. "We thought all the test data had been purged, but apparently it had not," Browne said. "The Martins' address ended up migrating to various complaint forms and warrant information." Most of the visits came in 2006 and 2007, he said. After the latest, "We realized we still had a problem and went back and further purged the records," the deputy commissioner conceded. To make sure it will never happen again, Browne said the address has been flagged with alerts, so if there's any record indicating officers should question the Martins, "they're barred from doing it." Rose Martin has asked the department to write her an official letter to that effect. "It seems like too simple a correction for something that has been going on for eight years," she told the New York Daily News, which first reported the story. So yeah, due to a computer glitch, these two have been harassed for the past few years by Brooklyn’s Finest…and not Richard Gere. The best part though…is if I’m an aspiring criminal, I may want to set up shop in the Martin’s home. “It says on this report here that there’s been suspicious traffic at the home of 845 Polk Street.” “Damn it, that’s the Martin’s place again. The system must have a glitch.” Then someone comes in over the radio, “Dispatch this is car 62. We have an officer down, shots fired at 845 Polk Street, please send medical. There seems to be about a dozen men, heavily armed, SWAT requested…” “Stand down car 62, that’s the Martin’s place again…just leave them be. We don’t want another PR fiasco.” “What? No, there seems to be a major shootout. We have an officer down…and three bystanders.” “It says here in the system that it’s all a computer glitch.” Anyway, enough of that grizzly stuff…

Check the Breasts - Polish feminists have objected to a hospital's breast cancer prevention slogan which they say encourages workplace harassment, the Gazeta Wyborcza daily said on its website on Monday. The slogan "I check the breasts of my workers on my own" was devised by a cancer hospital in the southern town of Opole (oddly enough my penis’ nickname) and aimed at convincing employers to encourage their female workers to have their breasts checked regularly for cancer symptoms (apparently by coworkers). "This is a sexist slogan that obviously brings sexual molestation to mind," the head of the Feminoteka foundation, Joanna Piotrowska, was quoted on the website as saying. "This campaign treats women as objects and is not far removed from advertisements in which girls flaunt their breasts over car bonnets (what?). I wonder if this would be equally funny if it were changed to 'I check the penises of my workers on my own'." Yes. Yes it would. In fact, that may even be funnier. And I think it’s sexist that you don’t have signs with catchy slogans about preventing testicular cancer. Oh really? You can’t come up with any? Allow me to do your job for you. “Do you have the balls…to check yours?” or “I feel for lumps three or more times a day” or I can even make it rhyme so it’s even catchier with something like “Why do I love my wife? Because she made my day…and saved my life.” I can send you some prints if you want. Anyway, maybe I’m getting a little off point. The message is to check yourself…and it’s a humorous twist on it. Why? Because it’s memorable. Somebody’s attention (not breasts) will be grabbed by the sign, “I check the breasts of my coworkers on my own? What? Oh, Opole Medical Center. Haha, that’s funny. Oh, that reminds me, I need to schedule my checkup with Dr. Wobatrowzski.” Oh…and just because something brings molestation to mind, doesn’t really mean much. If I see somebody handling & comparing honeydews at the grocery store, is that woman sexually harassing me? (F**k I wish) Do I tell a mother breastfeeding her child to “Get a room!!!”? If I wander past a bakery and see somebody forming a batch of dough, does that make me sexist because of the thought in my head (which really could be anything from hunger to gently fondling to cheat codes for Contra)? Seriously, I’m a guy. I hear a bird chirp…and I think about breasts…and often times how I can save them from cancer and snakes and volcanoes and stuff. Does that mean that the catchy slogan is sexist? No, not at all. And let me know the email address to send those prints too if you want to make it all square…and you should pay attention to my advice…because I AM a doctor.

Bank Robbing Update - A fugitive wanted for bank robbery in Michigan is in custody after police say he walked out of a Pittsburgh hospital and into a bar wearing only his hospital gown... with an intravenous needle still his arm. Authorities say police were called to JR's Bar Friday night after 20-year-old Elbert Lewis Thompson II walked in from Allegheny General Hospital. Thompson was taken into custody a short time later. Police in Vandergrift say Thompson had been detained by officers after fleeing a traffic stop there, about 25 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. He was initially hospitalized after complaining of feeling sick and losing consciousness.Thompson is wanted in Oakland County, Michigan, for armed robbery and other charges. It was not immediately clear if he had an attorney...or a pair of pants. Ha, that must've been a chilly walk over to the bar in that paper dress. Then he sits down, drugged out of his mind, needle still in his arm. "What'll it be, buddy?" "Just hook me up to the tap." "Ugh... I'm not sure that's safe... and would you mind putting this towel over that seat so I don't have to burn it later?" However, there's some help on the way for people who don't find the paper hospital gowns adequate.

So Long, Paper Dress - Some good news for hospital patients: a gown that won't let you down. Stylish hospital gowns that snap down the side were unveiled in Britain on Tuesday, intended to replace those shapeless cloth sacks with useless ties that flash open at the worst possible moments. Designers were given 25,000 pounds ($37,500) each to develop prototypes for products that would increase patient dignity (a difficult task if you're walking around with a plastic bag that you pee in). The plan, backed by the government and the Design Council, aimed to use Britain's design talent to improve its oft-criticized health system. The most eye-catching product was a jaunty striped hospital gown by U.S.-born fashion designer Ben de Lisi. Made from high-quality cotton in a classic pajama-stripe pattern, it includes a pouch for a mobile phone (or medication or tic tacs or whatever) and comes accessorized with a snuggly fleece blanket (not the Snuggie...yet). "Fine feathers make fine birds," said de Lisi, who has made dresses for stars including Kate Winslet. "If you look good, you'll feel good. Patients in hospitals are at their very lowest ebb, and you want them confident and buoyant so they can ask doctors the questions they need to ask." (Does this make me look fat?) Other designs included "modular bed pods" that improve privacy by funneling sound from bedside chats down instead of out and a recovery chair modeled on first-class airplane seats and designed by the team behind Virgin Atlantic's sleek Upper Class cabins. Health Minister Ann Keen, a former nurse, said the new gowns would improve the hospital experience for everyone and could even help President Barack Obama in his efforts to overhaul U.S. health care practices. "We can export our ideas to President Obama, who has been very successful but needs that extra bit of support," she said. The Labour government has promised to get the designs in hospitals across England next year...if it wins a national election this spring. See? There's always a catch. Oh yeah, we'll make your hospital experience somewhat tolerable...but what's in it for us? Well, I just like the idea of a hospital fashion show... with the occasional gasp as the models make their turn in the standard paper robe... and the new nurses outfits with "that extra bit of support" that we all need... and sleek & stylish catheters. Oh yeah, that sounds awesome to me. In other medical news...

Dr Horrible Movie? – Wait for it. Don’t get too excited just yet. The Great NPH (Neil Patrick Harris) tells MTV News that a sequel to Joss Whedon's online sensation "Doctor Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog" could hit the big screen. "Apparently they're making a 'Dr. Horrible' sequel - a feature film... I don't know of what scale. They're talking all options, because they made the first 'Dr. Horrible' in five days on no budget at all - that was its intention. You don't want to necessarily make the feature film be an $80 million giant movie, because it defeats the purpose of what the first film was made to be [but] then again, you don't want it to be so low-brow that it's not worth paying money to see as a movie" said the award show host, sitcom star and John Barrowman poll rival. The 2008 42-minute short film is a musical tragicomedy about the rivalry between aspiring supervillain Dr. Horrible (Harris) and his nemesis Captain Hammer (Nathan Fillion) over their mutual love interest Penny (Felicia Day). Do you realize what this means? $teve may be going to Hollywood. Why? Well, who else is going to play the handsome nemesis Captain Hammer? Nate has “Castle” to shoot…and they’ll need a star of equal or greater handsomeness and charisma (who will also work for scale). We’ll just have to see when they want me in Tinseltown to start shooting. It’s all speculation right now anyway. Oh…and if for some reason you haven’t seen the original, for God’s sake click here. It’s free…and you can check your Facebook updates while you’re watching if you want. P.S. Chances are…if they make it into a feature film, the first 42 minutes may be the original…followed by an hour or new material. God luck, Joss!!! Call me…and might I suggest Eliza for the female lead, Miss Opedia (new evil doer who wears black leather & hates children). “Mmm… why yes Miss Opedia, the rumors are true. The hammer IS my penis.” Okay, it’s a work in progress…but wait until I bust out the golden pipes…and yes, that’s a double metaphor for both my singing & sexual prowess. Anyway, don’t want to give too many of the surprises away…

Malkovich Update - "$teve, why wouldn't the Fox play Miss Opedia?" Well, she'll apparently be busy with all of her other franchises...and hopefully getting paid more. Apparently, Transformers 3 is well under way...and with a few outstanding casting calls already firmed up...including an Oscar winner (GASP!!!). Updating his official blog, Michael Bay made a couple of announcements about the upcoming third "Transformers" with the big surprise being three more names have joined the cast, all of which are surprising additions. Here's the key bits to his posting: "'Transformers 3' has been going very well. We are going to shoot in LA, Chicago, Washington DC, Florida, Texas, Africa, Moscow, and China (so...how much money are you spending on it? More magical teleportation?). On the talent front, we just locked in Frances McDormand and John Malkovich (ugh...he's f**king Malkovich). Both amazing actors I've always wanted to work with. We also just got Ken Jeong, he is the super funny actor stuck in the trunk from “Hangover” and the Doctor from “Knocked Up.” We start shooting pre-shoots in about one month. I also was at a Ferrari charity event this week raising money for a hospital being built by Ferrari in Haiti. I announced that night the newest Autobot to join Transformers: the Ferrari 458 Italia." So basically, blah blah blah JOHN MALKOVICH blah blah blah Ferrari. The John Malkovich is going to be in Transformers. What role will he be playing? Shia LaBeouf's boss (who will probably try to and succeed in stealing his girlfriend if I know my Malkovich). Frances McDormand will play the National Intelligence Director...and Ken Jeong will probably be the overly-abundant and poorly executed comic relief. That would be my guess. Oh...and there was one other reason to watch this movie no matter how much it sucked...

So that’ll do it for today. By the way, if you haven’t checked out my pictures from San Francisco, just keep scrolling down. You might see something that you like. If not, eh. You wasted two minutes of your life. Good luck trying to get those back. Have a great day everybody!!!