Tankinis, the PC Bikini

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was a groovy day...despite the movies I watched. First off, I started by watching "W" by director Oliver Stone, which was allegedly supposed to be a satirical look at the life & career of George W. Bush, everybody's favorite president. The cast was really good, with Josh Brolin as W, Elizabeth Banks as Laura Bush, Dick Dreyfuss as Dick Cheney, Scott Glenn as Rumsfeld, James Cromwell as George Sr, and even Thandie Newton as Condeleeza Rice. The story however...was a little too true to be funny...and let's face it, Oliver Stone may be a brilliant filmmaker...but he's not a stand-up comedian. The movie basically tries to make W a bumbling man's man in the Homer Simpson image that remembers everybody's name and is very charismatic...then he becomes a devout Jesus freak...then somebody's who's basically given the Presidency and realizes he has no idea what's going on. Not very funny at all. I'm sorry Mr. Stone...but I would have to recommend that you do not watch this movie. Instead, go see some other classics like "The Doors", "Natural Born Killers", "Platoon", or if you need that presidential fix, "Nixon" but not "W" (or "Alexander" because that sh*t was just horrible to watch...for over three hours).

JL Clyde texted me shortly after and informed me that she was not feeling well, so we'd have to reschedule going to the Living Traditions Festival until Sunday. Hopefully she's feeling better now. Now, it's time for a little back-story into my next movie review. A few months ago, a movie came out in theatres and just about every girl went bananas about it. They read the book. They had to see it. $teve don't read good. $teve had seen this stuff before. $teve didn't care to see the movie. Then $teve was talking to his friend Amelia one day...and she was telling him about this movie...and the book...and how knowing the characters would be a great conversation starter with girls. "Teenagers maybe. I can tell you from watching the preview EXACTLY what this movie is going to be. New girl in town, mysterious cute boy, they don't like each other at the beginning...but she discovers his secret, now he has to protect her from guys with facial hair...because anybody with facial hair in these movies are evil since smoking's no longer allowed unless you want an R rating and to alienate your ENTIRE audience...and I know there's a series of these books...so one of the bad guys is gonna get away, roll credits. Is that about right?" "Not at all. It so much more than that. The bad guys don't have facial hair. It's actually a really cute & developed love story. You should just watch it. Trust me." "Well, if it has the backing of Amelia, then maybe I could rent it if I get really, really bored." So if you haven't guessed by my description, the movie that I'm talking about...is "Twilight" based on the teenage vampire romance novels.

So the other day, I texted Amelia to let her know that the time has come...and "Twilight" had fallen upon my household...and her reputation was at stake. She then retracted her previous statements and said something along the lines of "It was a pretty horrible movie. Now that I think about it, the books aren't even that good. I don't know why I liked it so much back then." Sigh...never trust a redhead. Regardless, I watched it...and I feel vindicated. It is EXACTLY what I thought it would be. There were no surprises...and I've never read the book, just saw the preview. Okay, there was one surprise, that vampires can be in the sun...but they just shine like crazy diamonds. That was a bit of a surprise for me. Next I'm going to find out that zombies can run at sprinter speeds and form traps and have the force or something (oh yeah...) Trying to find anything in this movie worth something, I did like the whole thing about Edward (the mysterious vampire boy) saying that it was hard for him to resist pouncing on Bella (pale new girl love interest that I called Miss Swan the whole movie) and sucking on her neck. Welcome to puberty, my man. You would think that having been a teenager for 90 years or so, you would've gotten used to it. God knows I've dealt with it for about 15 years now. Always having to hold back, wanting to just let it all out, tell her all your secrets, dreams, desires, fantasies and then act them out...yeah, it happens...a LOT. I feel your hunger...and unlike you, I'm not taking out my urges on woodland creatures (oh yeah...it makes sense in the movie). So yeah, wouldn't recommend this movie unless your a lovestarved twelve-year old with a vampire fetish. If you're older than that, there are plenty of other movies that are much better than this for either vampires or lovestarved romances. I'd be happy to recommend a few...or you can always stop by and we can watch them together...ladies.

After watching that movie, I was feeling pale...so I decided to go outside & try to find a barber to get flowing locks of hair reduced. Luckily, there were four within walking distance of my apartment, so the journey began. Long story short, my hair has yet to be cut...because of the four, two were closed on weekends (Monday thru Friday 10-5), one was now a restaurant...and the last had become a tattoo parlor. Sigh...I'll just have to go to Wal-Mart or something. Oddly enough, on the way back, I walked past the liquor store...and picked up some Hornsby's Hard Apple Ciders.

After that, my mom was in town with all of her sisters & her mom (so my aunts & grandma) and they wanted to swing by and check out my apartment. They came by...for about ten minutes...and then left because they apparently had stuff to do. It was still good to see them, however briefly. Then after that, I had conversations with Mrs Wingman, Bone Junior, Angel, Lilie, and then I was surprised to find out...that the Wingman was in town, so I invited him & his brother over for drinks (remember those Hornsby's?) & good times. We caught up and they asked me about the new job and future plans and it was just good times by all. I also found out that the hot tub here isn't 24 hours, it's 10 AM to 10 PM, which makes no sense to me. Why would I want to be in the hot tub...during the day? Isn't that when people work? When it's 90 degrees outside, do I really want to go that extra 15 or so in a boiling tub? No, that's just f**king stupid. Maybe if I have some sore muscles or something after work...but even then I've got to get the kids some dinner...or spend time with the girlfriend...or run errands that I couldn't get done during the work day before the place closes...or blah blah blah. Your logic is flawed, Palladio Apartments. Besides, nobody's going to get too wild after hours in the hot tub...because if they do, there's a few dozen apartments full of peeping Thomases just ready to post on the web...or call the cops as needs be. Anyway, good times.

That's gonna do it for today...though there was one more movie I watched...but it has another tie-in that I'm gonna hold off on until tomorrow. Have a great day everybody!!! Wish you all the best in everything!!!